IV.
Horizon was a disaster. Omega was a disaster. Hell, Kaidan's life was turning out to be a disaster.
Shepard's place on Intai'sei hadn't been occupied for at least a year. Coming back to it was like seeing a ghost; like seeing Shepard alive after he'd been dead for so long. The place was unchanged. Abandoned.
The bright screens that once bothered him during the nights had flickered out since his last stay, and the weapons in his locker remained untouched aside from being coated in a fine layer of dust.
The plants had wilted, too. Shepard loved those plants. He probably didn't anymore, though. Maybe he didn't love anything anymore, at least nothing that he used to. Maybe he didn't love Kaidan at all anymore.
Wallowing in self-pity was never his favorite thing to do, but he sure was getting good at it lately.
Frustrated, he went into the hallway, opened up the weapons locker, and with gentle, loving fingers, fished out Shepard's old Avenger. It was a gorgeous gun, so powerful, so used. It had seen a lot of action while the SR-1 travelled the galaxy- while the SR-1 was still intact. He remembered it firing off at geth, mercenaries, pirates and the like. Hell, even a Thresher Maw at one point, when Shepard began to worry the mako might blow up if they got hit one more time, so it would be more practical to go on foot. Kaidan was pretty sure he wasn't going to make it out of that one.
He chuckled lightly, running bare fingers over the cold metal of it. It hadn't been touched in years, the last time being Shepard wiping it down at the breakfast table on their last day of vacationing together.
That was a good day.
Kaidan had woken up early, trapped in Shepard's stubborn arms, in which couldn't bring himself to pry from. He sighed, one filled with absolute bliss, as he waited for Shepard to roll over in his sleep, or wake up himself.
Kaidan's face was inches from Shepard's. He figured if he could pick one place to stay forever, it would be here- mostly naked in the arms of a galactic hero. A galactic hero with bright blue eyes, perfectly sculpted cheekbones, soft, almost feminine lips, and a heart of gold. A deep, comforting voice, and a meek but larger than life personailty. Plus his skill set in the bedroom wasn't much to scoff at.
He looked so peaceful when he slept. Seeing the lines of anxiety that criss-crossed his face smooth out, and just relax was more beautiful than any sight in the universe. The expression didn't even seem out of place on him, because Kaidan knew that underneath the shouting of orders, and the leading of forces, there was a simple man under there. A simple man that woke up, ate breakfast, brushed his teeth, collected model ships, watched vids and made love like anyone else.
Kaidan's eyes were bright, almost sparkling up at Shepard as he groaned in his sleep, finally moving an arm up to the side of his shaved head. With the utmost care, Kaidan slipped out of bed and arranged the sheets so that Shepard's bare chest was covered and safe from the cool air of the 'sei always seemed to be like that- scorching hot days, freezing cold nights best combated with another warm body in bed.
The joy fluttering through Kaidan's heart had not stopped since their first kiss, almost a week ago now, he realized while pressing a couple of buttons in sequence on his coffee maker. He waited on the machine, leaning his hip on the kitchen counter. Not much of a kitchen, though- once small cupboard, a sink, an oven and a mini-fridge.
The smell of coffee brewing filled his nostrils, causing another smile to spread across his face. He could get used to this. He could get used to being with Shepard all night, making him breakfast, sipping dark coffee, maybe crawling back under the covers for another hour of snuggling afterwards.
Kaidan pulled out a carton of eggs from the fridge and a frying pan from the cupboard. Hopefully Shepard was okay with scrambled he thought as he cracked a couple eggs into the pan, fired up the oven, and pushed the whites and yolk around with a spoon he located on the countertop. He couldn't remember being normal like this, ever. For once, being a soldier, a biotic, a headstrong yet timid man of morals didn't matter at all. It was just him and Shepard.
Him and Shepard.
It was beginning to sound too good to be true, he thought, seasoning the food lightly with a bit of pepper from a shaker placed in the corner of the counter. It was a quiet morning, the sun just peeking out over the horizon, casting oranges and pinks all over the sky. Kaidan grabbed two cups, pouring the coffee while admiring the view. Shepard's was in a mug with a hanar on it, two sugars and a teaspoon of cream, with Kaidan just sticking to the plain black coffee. He took a swig of it, the bitter liquid burning his throat.
Kaidan sputtered- covering his mouth desperately in an attempt to quiet himself from his sudden throat-burn. Shepard turned over in his sleep, letting out a deep sigh as he turned right onto his back, face tilted to the left. Still asleep. Crisis averted. Kaidan separated his now cooked eggs onto two plates one for him, one for the commander. He another drink of coffee before tip-toeing across the floor, being sure to not make too much noise. Time to wake Shepard.
His stubble was growing more, Kaidan noticed, standing over him on his bedside. Not long enough to be a beard, but the strands of hair were definitely more than stubble now. He had shaved his head the night before, though, and it always looked good that way. Shepard could probably grow his hair out, maybe even a full beard, too, and still be one of the more handsome men in the galaxy.
Kaidan let a thumb linger over Shepard's forehead scar, admiring what a charming feature it was, before running his hand gently over Shepard's face, resting it on his cheek. "Hey..." He cooed, husky and rich voice just barely louder than a breath.
"Mnnn..." Shepard replied, stretching out over his bed. He gasped, opening his sleepy eyes to meet with Kaidan. "Hey." Shepard smiled, nuzzling into the palm of Kaidan's hand, cocking his head to plant a tiny kiss on the heel of it. Kaidan laughed quietly, getting on his knees so he could bump their foreheads together.
"Smells good."
"Yeah, I made you some eggs. 'Hope that's okay."
"Yeah..."
They both gazed into each other's eyes, both tired and worn but full of life. Radiating with excitement just because they were near one another. Kaidan nervously chuckled again, his feelings still so new to him he wasn't sure how to react. Shepard smirked at his awkwardness, slipping his arms out from the covers, holding his head, and kissing him full on the mouth.
Kaidan sighed deeply through his nose, gingerly climbing onto the bed over top his sleepy partner and straddling his waist, not daring to beak contact. "More." Shepard moaned, desperately deepening the kiss, pulling Kaidan's bare chest close to his. Kaidan would have given anything to say "fuck yeah, more", but he followed his better judgement.
He bit at Shepard's bottom lip before pulling away, playfully grinding his hips downwards. "Later. Food's getting cold."
It was Shepard's turn to flash a cheesy grin as he sat up, face glowing with happiness. He kissed Kaidan's cheek, soft mouth making him tingle all over. "Yeah." Shepard sighed, right next to his ear.
That was a good day.
Now Kaidan was lying in that same bed, exhausted, alone, and craving that familiarity and warmth just one more time. It was like when he first got back from Shepard's funeral, the incredible loneliness that turned him cold and bitter for the years to come.
He wished he didn't have to feel that anymore. Not that he wanted to kill himself, or anything, he'd be no use to anyone dead, but he just didn't want that looming cloud of 'Shepard's still out there, and he doesn't care about you' hanging above him forever.
He should probably move back onto the Citadel, he told himself. Escape from the weight on his heart, maybe get himself a new lover. One that wasn't going to die, then crawl out of his or her grave two years later. Maybe continue his career in the Alliance, teaching biotic soldiers how to hone their skills. Maybe have a couple kids, a dog, get a place somewhere sunny and warm in the long run. Die peacefully in his sleep while napping on the beach with a beer in his hand. That's all it took to move on, but Kaidan couldn't stop clutching that assault rifle filled with so many memories, couldn't stop thinking about all those stolen kisses, those nights in bed together, and all that time wasted trying to bury his memory.
His omni-tool beeped, shaking him from his melancholy state momentarily. The only other time it made noise was a siren-like wail that played when he got an urgent message from David Anderson himself. That beep going off right now only meant one thing- Shepard replied to one of his e-mails.
And Kaidan had sent a lot of those. Ever since hearing rumors Shepard would be back, he had borderline spammed his personal address, begging for him to respond, meetup, say something. A 'hey', an 'I love you', or anything. The one he sent after the incident on Omega was a slew of "I'm sorry, it's not what it looked like, I love you, please talk to me, when you're done with Cerberus come back to me" and the like.
Kaidan's fingers danced eagerly over the interface, pulling up Shepard's message, heart racing from anticipation and nervousness. What could it say, why was he replying now, how would he answer?
'Kaidan', it read. And he found himself tearing up all ready, holding onto that damned rifle for dear life.
'You need to stop. Don't message me again.'
And that was enough to push him over the edge. Kaidan dropped his omni-tool, curled up into a ball, and clung to that old M8 Avenger for dear life.