A/N:So I found my little book where I'd written this. : Looking back on it, I don't really like how it turned out. I think it was too quick through a crucial part in Edward's past, but if I re-write it, I'll never get it up. If I get enough people asking for it or I get the inspiration for it, I'll write more on Edward's time away from Carlisle and Esme. 'Cause writing about Edward's rebellion and God complex in the 30's would be fun. :C
But as I say. If I re-write the chapter or write that part of the story right now, I'll never get to writing chapter 4. And come on... Rosalie's futile attempts to 333 Edward? That'll be amusing to write. -Nod.-
D: So yeah. Sorry it took so long to put up. As mentioned before, I couldn't find the little book I'd written it in. Clearly I found it.
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By the end of my first year, I hadn't even so much as looked at a human. Carlisle had been afraid to leave me alone when I told him that I didn't want to be part of the "outside" society during that year, so he took a break from his medical practice. I hated that I was taking away from what he wanted to do, but he reassured me (or tried to, anyway) that my own well-being was more important. I felt selfish for this, but said nothing. I'm certain that if I had he might have thought I was looking to get him out of the house so I could go "cheat" on our diet-- not that he would stop me if I wanted to. Of course, with my mind reading ability and seeing in his head why he didn't falter in his resolve to stay on a strict animal-only diet and just what I could become, there was no chance of me even thinking about it. Not until later. anyway.
But he couldn't read my mind, so I could understand where his doubt might come from.
After that first year, my "father" believed that it would be best to start introducing me back into society. My eyes had changed from their deep crimson to a rich, almost metallic-looking butterscotch. (Gold, I thought. Or maybe topaz was closer?) Because they'd finally changed, there was no need to disguise them with contacts or sunglasses. For that, I was grateful.
Even still, though we had to wait for my first year to pass, it couldn't have been more difficult to be around humans. They all smelled so good.
"Will I have your control some day?" I asked Carlisle one morning after he'd returned from the hospital he worked night shifts at.
He smiled at me, that always warm, never judgmental smile. "Of course. With time."
"How much time...?" I'd wondered aloud.
Carlisle chuckled. "I've experienced your impatience for over a year now. Were you always so as a human as well?"
I blinked. "Of course! And I assume your endless patience comes from time as well?"
He smiled and his thoughts gave me confirmation.
As I look back, my impatience was amusing. I remember being so angry with Carlisle for just laughing at me. I'd been so childish. We both laugh about it now. Or... used to. Back when I was still able to laugh.
My impatience was also somewhat justified, though. I wanted to be just like him-- to be able to just deal with the hand I'd been given and make a choice about it. A good choice. But if it took centuries to get like that, was it really worth it?
When Carlisle changed Esme, I retreated more, kept to myself. He needed her in ways that I could not, ah... "help" with. It would be a while yet before I accepted her as the mother Carlisle hoped she would be to me. After all, I was slowly forgetting my own mother, and anyone else taking Elizabeth Masen's place at that particular point in time was just completely unacceptable and out of the question all together.
But of course, once change starts there's nothing stopping it. When I recognized this, I grew furious. With myself, first of all, for beginning to accept and love Esme and for forgetting my own mother. I was angry with Esme, for thinking she had the right-- for having the nerve --to replace my mother. And finally, with Carlisle, for changing her in the first place. For changing me.
It was at this point that I was also getting fed up with the "rules of the house" about diet. Carlisle must have noticed, or could at least tell what I was thinking by my expressions because he would occasionally pull me aside and with sad eyes tell me that it was my choice. I knew that I wouldn't be able to stay there if I made the choice to change my diet. I may have been angry with them, but I loved them and, obviously, didn't want to leave.
That's why it took so many years to leave. I had to come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be able to see them, to talk to them.
When I finally got up the nerve to leave, Esme met me at the door.
"Do you really have to go?" her tone was excruciatingly devastated. It made it so much harder, because even as I'd been getting ready to leave, I was growing closer still to both of them.
I shot her a dark look. I could see my reflection in her honey-colored eyes. My own were black as night; onyx. When I replied, I made sure my tone was cold. A quick, clipped response of: "Yes."
"I'll go," she said quickly as my hand touched the doorknob. "You stay. I'll go." Her thoughts were genuine. She really meant what she said.
"Stupid woman," I hissed, more at the fact that she'd even offer such a thing-- but she didn't need to know that. I spun around to face her now, my darker than black eyes ablaze. "You think this is about you? Don't be so arrogant. I'm going because I want to. I can't stand it here anymore." I shut my eyes so she couldn't see the lie in them with what I was going to say next. "I'm sick of it here. Sure, you're part of it, but I mean all of it. Of you, of Carlisle, of his damn rules. I don't want to hold back what I am anymore. What's the point?"
I could have sworn I heard a muffled sob as I left, but I've never been certain. Vampires can't cry, after all, and I've never wanted to bring up that pain and hurt my "mother" again.
I'd been gone only a few years. Though I had tasted the sweetest blood I could ever have imagined at the time and I'd only hunted those I'd thought unworthy of life, I hated what I'd become.
It didn't take me nearly as long to come back home as it had to leave home. I knew I'd hurt Carlisle and Esme and I wanted to right things with them. But to postpone the inevitable (and wallow in my guilt just a little longer because, essentially, I am a selfish creature), I starved myself and hid away. It was only when I could no longer face myself that I finally returned. It surprised me-- or maybe it didn't; maybe I'd been away too long and had forgotten how Carlisle and Esme were --but they opened their door and welcomed me back with open arms. They'd forgiven me, even when I didn't deserve it.
That night, Carlisle and I had an extensive conversation where I told him about the places I'd gone to, what I'd seen. What I'd done. He was disappointed, of course. His thoughts couldn't hide that, as much as he tried. But he was glad I was back.
Esme was glad, too. I hadn't realized it when I left, but for her it was like losing another child. As I embraced her, I tried to will how very sorry I was into her through the contact and vowed that I would never hurt her like that again. Many, many years later I would break that promise.
That, however, is another story for another time.
E. Cullen
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A/N: You totally agree, right? It was too... speedy? I'onno. It's something about this one that I don't like. Maybe I tried to cram too much into one chapter. I should have written Esme seperate from Edward's leaving. I'unno. Judgment is up to you. : Hope you liked it.