Good things never last long. Sunstreaker had always known that, and even though never letting your hopes get too high did help avoid getting hurt, it didn't make life any easier. Everything good in life had been taken away from them by the war, by the Decepticons. Why would things change now, of all times?

Not that he was thinking about that, anyway. He was just beginning to power back up after an absolutely amazing recharge, and the warmth and overall feeling of belonging that surrounded him were making him not want to wake up.

That's about when it clicked.

His optics onlined and widened all in a matter of seconds, and –after struggling to focus them- he was finally able to see just where that warmth was coming from. His brother's peacefully recharging face was only inches (Inches? Not even inches) away from his own, their limbs entangled and clinging to each other like they'd never been before.

The brief moment of confusion only made his thrumming processor ache even more, and he searched his memory banks in an attempt to remember just what they'd done the night before. And then he found them.

Sunstreaker had slipped up. He'd lost control and had done something that ruined everything he'd been working so hard to achieve. All the pain he'd gone through and he'd made his brother feel, he'd thrown it all to the wind for a chance to be with his brother, to make love to him.

He was never having any high grade again.

Ha. As if.

Sunstreaker's face-plates twisted into a scowl as he began disentangling himself from his brother's limbs, processor racing and trying to come up with a solution for this slagging mess. His movements were enough to have Sideswipe stirring and slowly waking up, optics lazily powering up and gazing into Sunstreaker's face-plates as a smile that had never before been directed at Sunstreaker (out of fear of rejection) curled his lip-plates upwards. Sunstreaker's determination faltered for a brief moment at that sight, and his spark felt as if it was slowly beginning to wilt.

Sunstreaker had been an artist once. He'd seen and painted many gorgeous images and landscapes, and he prided himself in being able to recognize true beauty where nobody else was able to see anything out of the ordinary. Still, the most beautiful thing he'd seen in his life paled in comparison to that look his brother was giving him. Paled in comparison to that smile.

He'd always prided himself in being able to create beauty... and yet now, he was forced to destroy it.

"Morning Sunny.." Sideswipe's sleepy voice greeted him, and Sunstreaker had to focus on ignoring the way in which his spark was almost desperately trying to stop him from doing what his processor had determined as the right thing to do. Sideswipe, in the meantime, was still giving his brother that warm, affection-filled gaze, a hand reaching to touch his brother's forearm while the other was moving to get up. He didn't need to search his memory banks to remember what had happened the night before. Sunstreaker hadn't pushed him away, and he'd even carried him to his berth after he'd been knocked offline by the intensity of the overload when he could have just taken him to his own berth instead. The crimson twin's spark fluttered as he thought about the previous night. Everything about Sunstreaker had been just how he'd imagined it to be. Even better! His intensity, his fiery nature, his aggressive lovemaking… it was perfect. And now Sideswipe knew it.

Sideswipe had never before let anyone take him. He'd always been the one assuming the dominant role, the one using his spike instead of his valve. He'd always felt like it was giving too much of himself. Exposing much more of himself than what he felt comfortable with. However, he hadn't even hesitated the previous night before allowing his valve cover to retract for his brother. It had been almost instinctive. It was Sunstreaker, for Primus' sake! He would have never been able to reject him.

It had only made that previous night all the more special for him. It had been Sunstreaker the one to take him for the first time, the one to throw him over the edge in that spectacular overload that had knocked him unconscious by its sheer intensity.

Sideswipe wouldn't have wanted it to be any other way. Now he was Sunstreaker's, more so than what he'd always been. And Sunstreaker was his.

Or so he believed.

"Don't call me that." Sunstreaker replied gruffly, sitting up on the berth once he'd managed to disentangle himself from his brother's arms and legs and jerking his arm away from Sideswipe's questing hand. "And get out of my berth."

Sunstreaker didn't look at Sideswipe when he said that. He didn't want to see that smile wavering before fading completely, replaced by a confused, slightly hurt frown. "…what?" The firm determination in Sunstreaker's voice made Sideswipe's spark drop within its chamber, trepidation spreading through his systems and taking over them one by one. What the hell was Sunstreaker doing? Had he… not been what Sunstreaker had expected him to? Had he not liked him? Hadn't he enjoyed the previous night the way he had? It made sense. Sunstreaker was entirely perfect, why would he like him, when he'd blatantly showed all his life that he hated him? He didn't understand it, though. Why had he carried him to his berth? Why had he slept with him, held him throughout the night if he was going to push him away the next morning?

"What are you talking ab—" He abruptly stopped talking when Sunstreaker finally looked at him, and the glare he threw his way made the energon in his lines freeze in dismay.

"I said out of my berth, Sideswipe." Sunstreaker's voice was tightly controlled, and Sideswipe knew what it meant. His brother was angry. Furious, even.

"Sunstreaker, what—why are you doing this?" Sideswipe couldn't quite hide the pain when he spoke, betrayed by the slight tremor in his voice. He hoped this was a nightmare. It had to be one! He wouldn't be able to endure his brother's rejection after giving himself to him the way he had done the night before.

Sunstreaker sneered, shaking his helm. If he wanted… if he wanted to amend what he'd done the night before, he wanted to cover up his major screw up… he'd have to be cruel. Nasty, even.

"Don't flatter yourself, Sideswipe." He growled scornfully, forcing his spark to quell once again. "Last night was a mistake. One that would have never happened if I hadn't been so slagging drunk." He got to his feet, glowering down at Sideswipe. "I would have never even touched you if not for the high grade." He let his own pain, brought by his own atrocious lies bled as rage and revulsion in his words, and he saw, by Primus he saw the moment in which Sideswipe's spark broke, saw it in his optics, how they shone brighter for a moment before dimming once again. Saw the first signs of coolant tears beginning to pool in those baby blue optics that had been staring at him with so much joy and love only a few moments ago.

"…you don't mean that…" Sideswipe's disbelieving voice was barely above a whisper when he could finally speak again, and he sat up on his brother's berth, trying to reach for him once again. His spark was racing, as was his processor, trying to make sense of what was going on. This couldn't be happening… Sunstreaker couldn't mean that! Not with the way he'd made love to him the night before, not after what had happened! "Sunstreaker… please, please tell me you don't mean it.."

He wanted to. Sunstreaker wanted nothing more than to tell him he didn't mean it and crawl back into the berth with him for the rest of his life, hold him in his arms and forget about everything else. Forget about their team-mates, forget about the War… But that wasn't possible. It wasn't… and that was what had brought this whole mess to begin with. He had to protect Sideswipe. He had to keep him safe.

If only he realized that to Sideswipe, this hurt much more than death itself…

"Of course I do mean it." The golden twin snarled, optics narrowing to thin, icy blue slashes against his silverish face-plates. "Did you honestly believe that I wanted you? That I'd wake up and hold you and it would all be alright? That we'd be together?" His voice was cold and disdainful as he said those words, and Sideswipe physically shrunk back from him, withdrawing his hand that had been trying to reach for Sunstreaker's golden arm again. "Are you seriously that naïve?"

The first coolant tear slid down Sideswipe's cheek-plate, travelling down the seam that always made his crooked grins look so wicked, so mischievous, before it was wiped off by his own black hand. He felt humiliated, felt hurt, and more than anything… he felt numb. Everything he'd fought to achieve, everything he'd wanted to have was his brother's approval. His brother's love. And as much as he still wanted it… it was obvious it was something he would never, ever have.

And nothing hurt more than knowing you'd been fighting for something that would never be yours, no matter how hard you tried.

It was poisonous. Sunstreaker was venomous. And Sideswipe had willingly consumed that poison from the very first day.

He needed to stop.

He got to his feet, that numbness spreading through his body as another coolant tear found its way down his beautifully constructed face-plates before it was too wiped out. He looked at Sunstreaker, and the golden mech inwardly flinched at how much that look did not resemble his brother's customary expression. It was as if… he was gone.

And he was.

"I'm done." Sideswipe finally spoke again, jaw clenched tight as he struggled to keep his lower lip from quivering like it so desperately, so pathetically wanted to. "I'm done with this. I'm tired of this. Of you. All my life—" He paused, taking a deep breath to try and cool his voice that was trembling in the same way his body was. "All my life I've tried to live up to your standards—SHUT UP! Shut up and let me finish!" He snarled when Sunstreaker made a move to interrupt him. "I've tried, and you know it. I've devoted my entire life to you, and all you've done is throw it back at my face. And I let you. I let you break me down every single time… I gave myself to you. I gave you everything I am. Everything I have. And it was never enough!" His voice broke with that last statement, and he shook his helm, his fists clenching tighter to the point of denting his own palms. "I can't take this anymore. I won't take this anymore. I'm done." He repeated his previous words, wiping out another slagging coolant tear that was threatening to fall down his face again. "You don't want me. You don't want to be my brother. Fine. Then don't be. Right now… right now I don't want to be your brother either."

It was all out. Sideswipe had finally dared to say everything he had bottled up for years, millennia of pain and tears shed for someone who hadn't given a slag about him. He had finally dared to put an end to this… for good.

Sunstreaker's spark had already been aching for his own words, but after Sideswipe was done… it didn't even feel anymore. It was just as numb as Sideswipe's was. Every word laced with that deeply felt pain had been a stab right through his spark, and he couldn't even imagine what the pain Sideswipe was experiencing must have felt like. There was no turning back now, though. His lip-plates curled upwards into a sneer, a gesture as disdainful as his glare was. "I say this again, Sideswipe. Don't flatter yourself. I will never want you. You're nothing but a nuisance, a pain in the aft, a rookie. That's all you've ever been, and you've never tried hard enough to change that. Get out of here, Sideswipe. Go cry somewhere else."

Sideswipe's vents hitched at the disgust he read in those words, and he could only growl, quietly and agonizingly.

"I hate you."

"No, you don't. Pathetic."

With one last devastated glare thrown Sunstreaker's way Sideswipe turned his back on him, making his way out of their quarters without saying another word. He needed to get away. Needed to go somewhere where he could be alone. He didn't want anyone—least of all Sunstreaker, to see him cry.

And Primus knew that's all he wanted to do right now.

Sunstreaker remained where he was standing after the door slid shut. There was no going back now. There was no taking this back. No fixing this. He'd slipped up… he'd fragged everything up even more than what it already was… and this was the result.

He forced himself to move, although where his feet were taking him, he had no clue. He just needed to get out of there, leave the scent of his brother behind. That… numbness that was also seizing control of his spark was so very similar to his brother's, and yet it was nothing alike. Whilst Sideswipe's was there because of the pain, Sunstreaker's was the way in which his spark responded to it all; pushing the feelings, as well as the pain, aside.

But as he made his way into the washracks, he found that it wasn't in actuality working the way it always had. That numbness hurt just as much as his brother's pain had.

Good things never lasted long. Not for Sunstreaker… and least of all for Sideswipe.