A/N: Last one for a bit. Heading into unknown territory without a guide or a map.
Enjoy.
OM
She Learned the Truth at 17
Chapter 25
Roy Montgomery stood up and laid a hand on Esposito's shoulder and said to Beckett, "See if you can talk some sense into Detective Esposito and get him to take back his badge and gun."
The Captain walked out of the office and quietly closed the door to give both detectives some privacy.
"Javier, you can't quit! You love your job and you're so damned good at it. Have you talked to Ryan about it at all? Or Lanie?" She was running through all the things that had happened in the past few days trying to get a handle on her partner's mindset.
"I read somewhere that people who hunt monsters have to be very careful they don't become what they hunt. I've 'hunted' too long, Beckett. I'm becoming a monster and it's time to get out while I still have – my soul."
He was still looking out the window, staring at something only he could see and his detachment and tone of voice made the hair on her arms stand straight up. Castle had said something once very similar when they were talking about his time in the Balkans.
"You're not a monster, Esposito. You're a cop and one of the best. What makes you think you're becoming a monster? Talk to me, Javi."
"Coonan. He didn't get sick from riding in the car. I made him sick. The pain made him sick. Ask Castle about 'field expedient interrogation tools'."
He folded over his lapel and Beckett saw a large sewing needle and paled.
"Esposito, tell me you didn't…the information Ryan had…you tortured him? When? Where?"
"It's not just that, Beckett. It's what I learned that's made me decide to quit. The damned Deputy Police Commissioner's the one who gave the order for the acid attack back when he was a precinct captain. Think about it – a fucking COP hired a hit man to discourage your mom by attacking her daughter. Why? Why would a cop do something like that? Is it what we become after living on the streets?"
A line of poetry came unbidden to her mind: 'I fear that a life of death has made me numb to both.'
"You worry about your soul so you're not a monster, Esposito. A man like you or Ryan or even Montgomery could never become what we hunt. Justice means too much to us."
She waited a moment and then asked him quietly to 'Take back your badge and service weapon and we'll speak no more of this here. The walls have ears and what we need to question and answer is not to be discussed here. I've already talked with Castle. You and I need to talk with Ryan and then all of us can meet at our place and speak freely.'
"Our place? So you're giving up your apartment and taking the plunge? Moving in? Really?"
"And we're getting married just as soon as we can swing it. I'm taking a month off when it happens and yes, you, Lanie and Kevin and his girlfriend are invited. It's just a family affair. Nothing big."
"Lanie may want to bring a date. Things are tense right now. I guess the job has been getting to me over the past month or so and I've…stepped back a bit. I guess I don't want her getting 'dirty', Beckett, can you understand? She doesn't."
"We'll talk about this later. Right now, go back to work. As far as the information you got before you brought him in, as long as he was legally read his Miranda Rights, we'll use it – but if it ever happens again, I'll bring you up on charges myself!"
Esposito picked up his badge and weapon and holstered it and left the Captain's office.
Beckett just sat there, processing the information Esposito had blurted out. She knew the Deputy Commissioner. He was a 'cop's cop' and everyone looked up to him as a role model. How accurate was the information that Esposito got out of Coonan under such duress?
Castle sat in his chair beside Kate's desk and reviewed his emails and missed calls. The new phone didn't work exactly like the old one and he knew he'd lost a ton of contacts and numbers when the old phone bit the dust saving him.
Esposito walked over and sat down on Kate's desk corner. "I need to talk to you, bro. Got a minute?"
"Got all day, Espo. Break room?" He nodded to the break room and started to get up.
"I need to talk to you alone. Let's go for a walk. It's a nice day. Maybe a drive in your Ferrari. I've never been in one." He stared at Castle and mentally urged the writer to take the hints.
"Good idea. A nice walk in the brisk air will clear my head after Lanie stitched me up like a damned corpse. Lead on, MacEsposito." Esposito just shot him a look, totally unaware of the Shakespearean reference to Macbeth.
They took the stairs and Castle walked out to his car and unlocked the door and got in. Esposito waited while he unlocked the passenger door and then sat down in the leather seats. Castle started the engine and engaged the seat heaters.
"Look, Castle, you were a sniper. How do you handle the dreams, the nightmares? How can you be this idiot writer one minute and 'Death on Two Legs' the next? How do you keep it separate?"
"I don't keep them separate. I'd go nuts if I did. It's part of who I was and am. I talk to my mother about the easier dreams and I've been blessed with Beckett and she makes the nights easier - and I don't mean sex. I mean just having her near me let's me sleep easier. The dreams aren't as intense somehow. Why? You having problems?"
Esposito told him about what he'd done to Coonan while Turner was 'taking a long leak'. He expected Castle to look disgusted and sickened but he was surprised.
"Good work. The douche bag deserved it and more. You did what you had to do to protect Beckett and I love ya for it, man. If you need anything at all, money for counseling, anything, you got it. It wasn't easy but it was necessary. You're a cop now and have different rules so that had better be the last time you do something like that but man…you got my respect."
"Castle, we, that is, you and Beckett, me and Ryan, we got to meet someplace quiet and talk about this. This is bigger than just someone ordering an acid attack. They murdered Beckett's mom and they got to pay."
"How about we meet at the loft – or better yet, you and Ryan come out to the beach house and bring the girls. It's a great cover and we can find time to put together a war council of sorts. We'll take a weekend before the wedding and get things sorted out."
"You better talk to Beckett first, man. I got a feeling she's going to want you kept out of this. You're a civilian and it's her mother. Maybe after the wedding, y'know? So as not to put a damper on the honeymoon."
"I'll talk with her. But she's not keeping me out of this. She's – going to try but I won't let her, Javier. I need to know what she's going through so I can support her."
"You're a good man, Castle. Let's get back. I don't want people thinking we got a thing going on."
"Hold up a minute. What's with you and Dr. Parrish? I thought you two were a couple, even if it wasn't public. What's going on?"
"I don't want her involved in any of this. It's too – "
"That's bullshit! We just turned this stuff up yesterday, Esposito, and you've been distancing yourself from Lanie without even giving the woman a reason or an explanation for longer than that. You're hurting her, Esposito, and I damned well want to know why!"
Esposito stared at Castle for a full minute, weighing the consequences of saying anything at all but Castle wouldn't break the 'stare down' and Esposito finally looked away.
"She's clean. Sure, she's elbows deep in some vic's bowels half the time but she doesn't know the back story or the middle, just the end and I can't bring all that into her life. A cop should only marry another cop, Castle. Marry a civilian and you're looking divorce in the face, maybe not right away but eventually. Look at the statistics."
Castle thought long and hard about Esposito's comment only he turned it around and looked at it from his point of view. Was his relationship with Beckett doomed from her perspective? If what Esposito said was true, was Kate bucking the tide with her decision to marry him?
Javier Esposito wasn't stupid. He was a good judge of body language and facial expressions and he knew that Castle had taken his comments and applied them to his relationship with Beckett.
"Castle, you and Beckett, you're different. You're almost a cop, really. I wasn't saying that you and her are doomed, I was talking only about me and Lanie. She doesn't see the stress and strain working homicide brings with it. She only sees the bodies, not the casualties, if you know what I mean."
Rick nodded his head but Esposito knew he'd screwed up and his comments about Castle 'almost being a cop' were wasted. He knew how Castle thought and how he reacted to things. He didn't know how his alter-ego, Rogers, would react.
"Let's go, Esposito. You're right. We don't want someone thinking we're a couple." He made a lighthearted comment to end the situation but his mind was still turning over the conversation. He needed some time to think and the precinct wasn't the place for it.
Kate's eyes were on the elevator when she saw Esposito and Castle get off it together. They both looked like they'd gone 10 rounds in a ring. Every muscle in their faces was rigid and their jaws clenched. Right away she knew that the two of them had had a very intense conversation and she wanted to know details.
"Hey, Castle. Get yourself a cup of coffee and then sit down and write out your statement and then go home. You look tired and I'll be along shortly. We have some weekend plans to make."
Castle ran into Roy Montgomery getting coffee and he brought up the Ferrari and Kate and the Captain started to laugh until he saw that Castle was serious.
"Well, I can't see why not. I mean sometimes we use personal vehicles and if you have the insurance indemnities, then I suppose it's okay until someone notices and raises a stink."
Castle walked back to Beckett's desk and sat down and fished out the keys to the Ferrari and handed them to her. "I'll take a cab back to the loft after I finish the statement. Arm's sore and I won't get much done here watching you fill out forms if that's okay?"
"You talked to the Captain?" She was torn between kissing him and smacking him for interceding.
"Yep. Done deal, baby. You are now the proud possessor of a Ferrari unmarked police vehicle. Just don't break the sound barrier in it."
"You and Esposito disappeared for a while. Why?" She didn't want Rick talking to Esposito. She wanted to be the one to tell him about how Esposito got the information and she wanted to do it in the loft, not the station house.
"Bottom line: Lanie asked me to find out why he was distancing himself from her. He won't return her calls and he's avoiding her like I avoid Gina. We talked. I think things will improve but I don't intend to tell you anymore than that, Kate. He's my friend and I won't betray his confidences. If things do improve, Lanie will be happy. Either way, he's going to talk to her about how he feels and why. Maybe they'll be okay and maybe they won't. It's none of my business."
"I thought maybe he talked about Coonan." She was watching his eyes and saw the slight dilation and knew she had hit the mark.
"Not really. He just said he was shook up about some of the stuff he'd found out. He didn't go into detail but I'm sure you and I can talk about him later, right? Are you coming home after work or spending the night at your place now that the Ferrari keys are in your sweaty little palm?"
"I'm going home. To the loft. I'm giving up the apartment at the end of the month. We'll need to get the guys to help me move what I don't take to storage to the loft."
"Good. Let me finish up here and head home. I forgot to bring the pills and this thing is bugging the crap out of me. Where's Natalie?"
"I sent her off with Karpowski to do some observing. They got a body in a dumpster off Lexington and it should really make her day. It's been there a few days so it'll be ripe and she can 'immerse herself' in the experience."
They both laughed and Castle made out his statement and left. He had thinking to do.