A/N: pls read this carefully. There are time slips between some scenes. Too bored to bother with tons of separate words no one reads anyway.

OM

Chapter 34

It hadn't hurt this badly when Alexana died. He could hardly breathe and wondered if he was having a heart attack? He was cold and sweaty and was having a problem organizing his thoughts. The one thing he knew for sure was that he'd embarrassed himself with that childish display of brute force against the skinny younger man, Trent.

He walked up to a cab that had just discharged its passengers and gave the driver the loft address and sat back and let the world have a few moments without him in it.

He needed to have her stuff packed up and taken to her apartment as soon as possible. He wanted no reminders around to tear at the wound. He was no longer responsible for the care, feeding and happiness of Katherine Beckett. It wasn't a burden, really, more like an obsession.

It would take time and he knew he had to close out the Nikki Heat series without possibility of any resurrection. He already had a few ideas including a title: Dead Heat. Somehow it seemed appropriate.

His mother would be out and about and he remembered that Alexis was going to go shopping with Paige and a couple of other girls from York Academy after school. The loft was his for a few hours at least. He made a mental note to have someone bring the Ferrari back to the loft. In fact…

"Javier, Rick Castle. There's a weekend loaner for you in the Precinct parking lot. The keys are in Kate's middle desk drawer but she'll no longer need them. You can tool around town with Lanie for the weekend and then park it in the apartment underground parking garage and leave the keys with the doorman, okay?"

"Castle? Where are you? Is Beckett with you?"

"Nope. Alone again. Look, just be careful and have a great time. If anyone stops you, show your badge and the insurance papers in the glovebox. Tell them it's 'official business'. Take Lanie someplace nice."

"Where's Beckett? I thought she was getting out today?"

"She is. I left her clothes and beat up her new boyfriend after she broke off our engagement so she's no longer my concern. Look, I won't be back to the Precinct but you have my number and you're free to drop by anytime, you, Ryan and Lanie. Take care, and don't scratch the paint."

He wondered if he'd discovered something about himself. Was he obsessed with being in love with Kate Beckett, the 'in love part', or had he been obsessed with Beckett herself? He knew he needed to call Jim and apologize for not coming out to the Island and he hoped that this wouldn't make being friends difficult. He liked Jim Beckett. In some respects, he saw him as the father he'd never had.

He called him. He felt a responsibility to let him know the change in status and that he wouldn't be able to make dinner that night.

"What happened, Rick? I thought you two were getting married? I thought…"

"Jim, she broke off the engagement and didn't want to commit to a relationship with me. I told you exactly what would happen and unfortunately I was right. I just…I just didn't think it would happen so quickly. Look, feel free to come by the loft and hang out when you're in town. Alexis shouldn't have to pay the price of my poor judgment. You'll always be considered a dear friend of the family."

"Rick, I'm sorry. Y'know, she's as bad as her mother was in some respects. Self-centered, focused on her issues and goals. I'll talk some sense into her, Rick. You're the perfect man for her. I'll make her see that."

"No! Please. Just leave things as they are. She made her decision and you should respect it. Look, I'm sorry to dump this on you but I felt you needed to know. She'll need her dad even if she doesn't realize it. I've got to go. We're at my stop. Remember…you're family. Don't be a stranger."

He hung up. He was done with it. Now all he had to do was live with it. Living was the hard part.

Two weeks later he was in Los Angeles, up to his armpits in rewrites. The writers and the director had had severe 'creative differences' and the production was over budget and behind schedule. They'd already shot all the location shots but were having problems with several scenes and thus, the writer was summoned to put all to right.

He had already had his own 'creative differences' with the little asshole. Castle's first day on the set he started screaming at Natalie about some little nuance that the audience wouldn't even notice and he'd used language that Castle deemed 'inappropriate'.

They were shooting an outdoor scene at a swimming pool and Heat was supposed to rise up out of the water wearing her smile and bikini bottoms. Rick had already seen the bikini top when Natalie came out of wardrobe and it was almost nonexistent. Natalie wore the top in the first shot and the little twerp had a fit.

"Get those tits out where the audience can see 'em. That's why you got the part so…" Natalie looked at him and shook her head. Castle felt so proud of her.

"No. No boob flashes. This scene doesn't need it and I won't do it."

The idiot called her a particularly foul name and proceeded to cuss her out for being too stupid to understand that this was 'art'. His language just got worse until Natalie was almost in tears. She kept looking at Rick and Rick finally he lost his temper.

He grabbed the director by the collar and belt and tossed him into the pool. You could have heard a gnat fart on the set and then people started laughing and applauding. Natalie came over and kissed his cheek and said 'Thanks, Castle. I guess Nikki Heat's suddenly a prude, huh?' and laughed.

One of the three producers was sitting there, watching, and he pulled out his cell and called someone. When the director finally crawled out of the pool and started screaming, Dilly, the producer, told him he was fired for despicable conduct.

"Castle, you figure you can direct this piece of shit?" He wanted to put Castle on the spot. He needed brought down a peg. He'd just cost the producers a lot of time and money.

"Nope, but Natalie can. She's got a degree and good instincts. You can't do this without a director and she's got an excellent understanding of the character. You don't have a hair on your skinny ass if you don't give it a whirl, Dilly. And she'll do it for what she's being paid now, won't you, Nat?"

Diablo's
Beverly Hills

Rick and Natalie were having a late lunch and Natalie had grilled him about what had happened between him and Kate. After a brief and edited version, she got really quiet and then looked up at him with those huge green eyes and started to say something when a big burly guy interrupted her.

"Mr. Richard Castle?" Rick turned and smiled, thinking it was a fan. He nodded and the man handed him a manila envelope and said, "Richard Castle, you have been served. Sorry for the interruption. Have a nice day, sir."

Family Court
Los Angeles

Meredith was suing Castle for joint custody and it looked like she might win. The only thing Castle had going for him was that Alexis was a resident of New York state and that Castle had yet to bring out the 'big guns' of Meredith's addiction and just how Alexis came to be in sole custody in the first place. He didn't want to drag it out in open court. It would make the papers and might hurt Alexis.

"Mr. Castle, do you have anything to say, any offer or any evidence that the court might view as pertinent?"

He stood and looked over at Meredith. "Your honor, may I request a brief recess to discuss this with my daughter's mother? I promise to…"

"No, Mr. Castle. Say what you have to say here in open court and on the record." The woman would test the patience of a saint.

"Fine. My daughter is terrified of her mother. For 8 years she would wake up screaming 'Don't hurt me, mommy' and for 8 years I was the one who calmed her down. I was mother and father and I've done a damned good job. She attends the best school in Manhattan and is a straight A student."

"Mr. Castle, that has little bearing on…"

"The hell it doesn't. She dumped a pot of boiling water on my daughter. She was high on pills and Alexis was making too much noise. Ask her. It's the truth. She was 3 years old!"

Meredith's attorney spoke up. "Your honor my client is willing to…"

"Stop this! Just stop this! Ricky, I love my daughter. I want to get to know her. I'm clean and sober and I've been so for 3 years. I'll submit to weekly drug tests, anything you want but please, Rick, let me have my chance to be her mother? Please?"

"Meredith, what about school? We can't jerk her out of one school and dump her in another twice a year. It's not fair to her. Listen, I wanted to suggest this during a recess," and here he shot the judge a 'go to Hell look', "but I'll compromise. Christmas, semester breaks and the entire summer beginning a week after school's out and ending a week before it starts. That's my offer. And for the first summer, I want a court approved 'companion' to supervise things. That's my offer. Take it and we're done. Turn it down and I'll tie this up in court for the next 2 years, 4 months and 7 days until she turns 18."

"Mr. Castle, the court…"

"My daughter resides in the jurisdiction of the State of New York. I know more judges than you can begin to count and the Attorney General and Governor are personal friends. I know my rights. Unless you kidnap my daughter from her home state, the paper this court issues is just that, paper."

"Mr. Castle, you are in contempt!"

"Your honor, I accept, gladly. It's more than fair and it's what's best for our daughter." Meredith had tears streaming down her face and the judge knew it was best for the child.

"So ordered. Mr. Castle, get out of my sight."

He called his mother as soon as he got out of court. She'd been really great about the breakup and hadn't said 'I told ya so' once. She hadn't even hinted at it. The only comment she made pertinent to Beckett was that she had thrown away the best thing she'd ever have.

That was the end of it until he tried to explain their breakup to Alexis and she'd cut him off. He'd covered the bare bones but she went right to the heart of the matter.

"Dad, I understand completely. Her love for you was conditional and that meant it really wasn't too deep. I know Kate believed she was in love with the last man she'd ever sleep with but I think I knew it wasn't true. In some ways, Dad, she's younger than me. Maybe that's why it was so easy to talk with her about things."

"You could have left out the 'sleeping with' part, Alexis, but I'm glad you don't hate her or anything. Her dad's going to drop by from time to time. You two got along really well, right?"

"Yeah, but how are you doing? I hope it doesn't mean another makeover of the study or that you're blocked. You need to get back on the horse, Dad. Get out there. Find a woman and have a good time. You shouldn't be alone, Dad. It's not good for you. You'll find her someday, your perfect woman, and then I'll be able to head off to college without worrying about you."

Alexis had wanted the three of them to go to the beach house for the summer. She wanted her dad to 'reconnect' with life and not go into some super sulk when he let his mind dwell on Beckett and how much he missed her.

"That's a great idea, Alexis. Maybe some mermaid will wash up and I can save her."

"Don't push your luck, Dad."

'And instead of the beach house', thought Castle, 'she'll be in California with Meredith. I didn't even ask her about custody. I think she'll hate me.'

His mother took the news of his 'loss of custody' particularly hard. She hated Meredith and had really poisoned the mind of her granddaughter over the years. Castle had finally taken her aside and warned her that Meredith was getting Alexis for Christmas, semester break and the summer.

She blamed him for not fighting hard enough, for not dragging it out in public as well as court. Martha was not above hurting her son to help him.

"If you'd fought for Beckett, Richard, maybe none of this would have happened. If you were married…"

"Mother, don't say another damned word. Not one. You are here at my pleasure and if you continue to press, you can find another sandbox to play in." He hadn't even given a second thought to echoing Beckett's comments to him when the FBI had picked up the first set of Slasher file.

She'd stepped over the line but was too stubborn and they had the first really bitter argument in years and Alexis caught the tail end of it when she got home from school.

She looked at her father like he'd betrayed her and went to her room, crying. His mother looked at him sadly and asked, 'Now are you satisfied? You've managed to rid yourself of all the women who love you, Richard. Aren't you proud of yourself?"

Kate Beckett hated therapy, the therapist, the Department that required it to return to duty, her coworkers who were suddenly too busy for lunch or drinks or just drop by and say 'hi'. She really hated the way being alone so much made her think about how things had fallen apart so suddenly.

This morning was her 8th therapy session and after she'd complained to her therapist that 'this shit is a waste of time. I'm ready to go back', her therapist had arranged an 'object lesson' for Kate. She and her therapist were meeting at the State Police training facility in Suffolk. She was going to let her run their version of the FBI's Hogan's Alley.

Kate left the apartment early to beat the traffic. She really missed the Ferrari and how Castle's face lit up every time she…

'Don't go there. What's done is done. I made the only decision I could. He was right. He was just my first love. There are a lot of men out there like him who won't notice the scars, like Mike. I wonder why he hasn't called me?'

Hogan's Alley consisted of two parts: the first was simply targets that popped up at various distances while the second was a 'street' with targets that appeared in doorways and windows.

There was a wrinkle though – some targets on both ranges were civilians and if you shot one of them rather than an armed target, well, you were up shit creek and failed.

To make matters more difficult, each simulation was timed. Take too long and you failed. Go through too quickly and you invariably popped a civilian – and you failed.

Dr. Waltz, her therapist, stood behind the firing line and watched as the range officer briefed Kate, handed her a firearm just like the one she carried and three magazines. He went over the procedure and safety rules and then nodded to someone out of sight and left.

A loudspeaker crackled, "Officer Ready?" and Kate raised her hand indicating that she was ready. She was wearing ear protectors and shooting glasses as required.

The first three pop-up targets were bad guys with obvious weapons and she fired and hit all three. The fourth was a civilian and Kate had almost pulled the trigger. The fifth was a bad guy and she popped him in the head, feeling more comfortable. The sixth was a cardboard cutout of Richard Castle from one of his book signings. She stared at it, shocked.

And then she fired.

And hit him right between the eyes.

She froze, unable to move and shocked at what she'd done. She knew it was Castle and yet she fired anyway. The pistol fell to the table top and she whipped off her eye glasses and ear protectors. She started to shake and could feel the tears building up.

'What have I done?' She wasn't sure if she meant hitting the wrong target or what she'd done to so many people who loved her.

"Still think you're ready to return to duty, Kate?" Dr. Waltz' voice spoke quietly and kindly from behind her. "We still have a lot of work ahead of us."