I've lived through some of this chapter 3 separate times. Some of the dialogue is mine or Mariah's. There is a behavioral reason for what transpires in this chapter. It serves as the underpinning for what will happen in later chapters. Remember my promise.

Personal note: Where is the luv, people? LOL

2nd Personal note: yesterday was the birthday of Edgar Allen Poe. Wonder where Dickens was? The famed Toaster failed to appear for the 3rd year. Nevermore.

Chapter 38
July 3

Moira, the fan girl nurse, got her autograph, on paper, not flesh. I don't think Rick even blinked when the nurse assigned to his floor woke him for his vitals check and he spotted us sitting beside the bed like vultures waiting for carrion.

His lips moved without sound and he grimaced and swallowed and Moira, much more in tune with what he was feeling, poured a glass of water for him, dropped in the flexi-straw and let him drink away his thirst.

"Tha-thanks." He looked at her and tried to smile but only managed a wry grin. His one functioning eye looked over at me and slowly blinked. He was still feeling the effects of the surgery.

"That water comes with a price, Mr. Castle. One each autograph…on paper…since Kate has threatened me with unknown but doubtless painful punishments if I so much as think about baring my breast for your Sharpie."

I swear to God he managed a leer.

As Moira folded up the piece of notepaper and leaned over me and I swear this time she leered, tucked it into her bra, and whispered, 'Take off your running shoes, Kate, and live in the moment'. She waved at Rick and left, her tennis shoes making that obnoxious squeaking sound on the polished tile floor.

"That was Moira. She's a fan girl. If they were all like her, I wouldn't worry. She works 'upstairs in Oncology'." And she plays for the other team.

He nodded and closed his eye and I moved to the recliner close beside his bed and settled down. I reached over and took his hand in mine and explored his palm, each finger, seeing every wrinkle, every whorl on his fingers' tips that made him unique, losing myself in the moment.

It was nearly 6am when the nurse came in and took his vitals again and whispered that he was 'right on the curve' which I took to mean he was okay. He was asleep but still holding my hand and I took that as a good sign.

I must have dozed off because I jerked when an orderly raised his window blinds. I looked at his sleeping form and eased my hand from his and walked out into the corridor in search of caffeine.

When I came back, his bed was empty and I panicked. I walked to the nurses' station and asked, 'Where's Castle?'. The nurse looked at a clipboard and said that his doctor had ordered a follow-up CT scan and that was where he was. I thanked her and glanced at my watch. Nearly 9:30.

"Hey, Dad, it's me. Castle slept through the night and now he's having a follow-up CT scan. I'm kind of stuck here and I was wondering if you were going to be in the neighborhood and could let me drive you home so I'll have my car?"

"I'm in the parking lot bringing food and coffee. I figured you'd want to come home and shower and change clothes."

"I might have to go back into the city and pack a bag. I've got scrubs on. My other clothes…I'm going to burn them. I'll meet you in the lounge."

Noon
July 3

Castle was back in his room and lying flat as required. He hated not being able to sit up but wanted to avoid the pain he'd been told he'd have if he suffered a 'spinal tap' headache. He ached enough as it was.

He turned his face toward the window and watched the clouds lazily float across the sky. Life was so simple for some people. Go to school, graduate, get a job, meet someone, fall in love, get married, have kids, retire, spend the rest of your life beside your soul mate and then die.

He got 6 out of 10. Maybe he should be happy with it. But wait, everyone got #10…some just sooner than others.

'Mr. Castle, I asked for another CT Scan and I have the results. I know lying down is an uncomfortable way of seeing this but…see this small mass right there?'

'Uh huh. Is it…'

'No, no, it's not malignant. That's why I ordered the spinal tap to look for certain proteins. But Mr. Castle, it may continue to enlarge.'

'Can you…'

'No, it's inoperable due to its location.'

'Then why the hell bother telling me about it?'

'You…Mr. Castle, you have a need to know. You have time. There are preparations that need to be made before you…'

'Asshole…EVERY body dies!'

God bless him but the doctor had tried to put a positive spin on it and Castle had just laughed at him. …may continue to enlarge… The entire event struck him as funny. The good doctor, true to his calling, had launched into an entire lecture about acceptance versus denial and that was where Castle had really lost it and why he was currently on the edge of La La Land.

"Life is a game, doctor, and it's rigged, fixed, manipulated, foretold, and everyone, without exception, everyone loses, everyone dies."

He'd tried to get up, to get off the gurney and strangle this young 'pimple on the ass of humanity' and thus prove just how true his 'game of life' explanation was but the doctor signaled the nurse he'd met earlier and she'd injected a Mickey Finn into his IV line.

And now here he was, lying flat on his back with nothing to do but the one thing he didn't want to do: think.

Off to his left, a woman softly cleared her throat and asked if he needed anything.

"Mr. Castle, I'm Moira, remember, and I'm going off shift now and I just wanted to know if you needed anything before I left."

"Nope. I'm good. Listen, not a word, not one word of this gets out, understand. 'May continue to grow'. Bullshit! He has no basis to tell me that. None at all."

"Mr. Castle, he had a moral obligation to inform you of his findings. He might have been a little less bleak in his assessment but he's one of the best Oncologists around. He knows his stuff. He told you it was 'benign' and he never says that word unless he's sure."

"So something that isn't 'harmful' is going to kill me, isn't that what he was saying? 'May continue to grow' is one of those things doctors say to cover their asses. I notice he neglected to give me a time frame for my imminent demise."

"That's why he scheduled another CT Scan for November. To see if it's growing, gauge the rate, and then…if it's necessary, discuss time frames."

"Marvelous. I can't wait. Look, I know you deal with this everyday but I don't. I write about it. It happens to others, to fictional characters, not to me!"

"Like you said, Mr. Castle, everyone loses." She got up and patted his hand. "Your Kate is out getting clothes. Her dad was here earlier but you were upstairs. She'll be back later. It's a 6-hour roundtrip to the city. I'll stop in tonight and visit if it's okay with you."

"Sure. It's not like I'm going anywhere. Say, do you really read my stuff? Or just taking advantage of the situation?"

"Read everything you ever wrote. I like the darkness you illuminate. It's refreshingly weird. I like that. I'm a subscribing Fan Girl although I don't much like how this thing with Kate is playing out."

"Everyone's a critic." He softened it with his patented smile and she smiled softly in return.

"And everyone dies, just like you said. It's what happens before that's important."

"Go home, Florence Nightingale, your cheer-spreading is depressing me." They both laughed and she said she'd see him in 12 hours. She worked 3 12-hour shifts and loved it, especially in the summer.

He looked out the window and tried to sleep.

'Do I tell Kate or not? Do I do the humane thing, the right thing, the moral thing, and end it with her or do I make the most of whatever time we'll have together? Am I really that self-centered and selfish?'

He had lived for months without Kate Beckett in his life. It hadn't killed him. He survived without her. She had just as obviously survived without him.

It should have been a simple decision. He'd made them in the past. Black – white. Right – wrong. This should be no different. This should be just as simple. This should not be so hard.

Kate returned about 3:30. He was still asleep and she wondered why he was flat on a gurney and not in his bed and asked the nurse about it.

"We'll be moving him to his bed right before dinner. It's just a precaution. Some spinal tap patients get horrible headaches if they sit up too soon afterwards."

"Spinal tap? But I thought it was just a follow-up CT Scan. Is something wrong?"

"Oh, no, not at all. The doctor just wanted to be sure of things before he discharged Mr. Castle tomorrow. I'm sure he'll answer any questions you may have when he makes rounds."

Satisfied, Kate walked back in and moved her chair around until she could make eye contact with Rick when he woke up. He looked better and there was more color in his face although most of it was purple and yellow from his bruises.

She took his hand in hers and waited. They would have The Talk and then she'd know if she would be leaving him and returning to the city or start living her life again.

Rick woke up with a start when the orderlies pulled him over to his bed by his sheets. A nurse pulled his IV and his catheter (which he didn't know about and was shocked when she flipped up his gown and grabbed his…well, he normally got dinner first.

Finally settled back in and reasonably awake, he took in his surroundings without drug-addled eyes…eye. The other was still swollen. He saw Kate looking out the window and cleared his throat.

"Hey, whatcha lookin' at?" He saw her take a deep breath and square her shoulders and then turn and smile.

"Just thinking, not looking at anything, really. How are you feeling? I talked to your ER doctor briefly. You're getting out of here tomorrow if you feel up to it."

"I ache all over but I'd ache just as much sitting on the porch of the beach house just talking. And now that the plumbing has been removed, I think I'd like to walk around a little."

She gave him another smile, somehow different than the one before and told him, "After dinner. I brought you some clothes from the beach house. Your other ones were gross and I didn't think you'd want to wear them home."

"Thanks. Is there a reason you're all the way over there, Kate? Is this how it's going to be?" He pushed for a resolution. He remembered what she'd said and now he wanted this over and done with.

"I don't know how it's going to be. That's up to you, Rick. Look, I've made some dumbass moves in my life but what I pulled in the hospital was the dumbest. I was messed up and I messed up the best thing I could ever have imagined."

He started to say something but she held up her hand to stop him.

"Please don't interrupt me. I – it took me forever to figure out what to say and now if I don't get it out, I'll never be able to. I'm afraid of so many things now. My therapist called me an 'emotional retard' and we spent a few sessions getting to the root of some of my problems."

A hesitation and a deep breath. He saw her look at the door and he wondered if she was planning her escape route.

"I want back what we had. I want the guy back. I want the ring back. I want my life back. I've learned that I don't have to be infallible, that it's alright to make mistakes as long as you own them and deal with the consequences. I want…I want forgiveness and I want to be able to let go and just be Kate and not 'Beckett' or 'Detective Beckett' or 'Johanna Beckett's daughter'."

"I've let my mother define my character for far too long, sweetheart. I don't want to be like her. I don't want my life to revolve around a murder, an ended life. I want it to revolve around my family and friends. I don't want my husband to have to suffer like my Dad and I did. I don't want to ever be that selfish."

Another deep breath and she continued on in a rush of words and gestures. He'd never see her so animated, so alive.

"I want to either take a long leave of absence or quit the department altogether. It's taken more from me than it's given. I don't need to find my mother's killer if it keeps me from…you."

She stared at Castle and waited. The few seconds seemed like minutes or hours or forever to her but she waited.

He cleared his throat and gathered his thoughts. He only had one chance to say what he had to say while she was this open and willing to listen in hopes of hearing what she wanted to hear.

"I need you…to come over here, Kate. I don't want to have to yell. My throat is raw." She walked closer and looked for her chair. It was on the other side of the room.

He patted the bed and she toed off her sandals and eased up beside him, very carefully, afraid to touch him and cause him any more pain.

He started out slowly, telling her all about what he'd been doing while she was gone and she listened intently, waiting for the 'good' stuff.

"I finished the last Nikki Heat novel, Dead Heat, and it comes out in September. I was on my way up to the beach house for the rest of the summer when I…ran into those two. I need to call Alexis and let her know that I can't keep my promise and show up next week. I'm not sure how I'll be feeling and I surely don't want my little girl to see me looking like Frankenstein's monster."

She nodded and her hand crept into his and he gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I forgive you. That's a given. Yes, you should wear the ring again but we're not getting married for a while, okay? Take your leave of absence, Kate, but don't burn any bridges. You may decide that being my 'kept woman' loses its luster after a while and you'll get bored and you can always go back to being 'Beckett bad-ass'."

"But Rick, why not? We were planning a wedding when I screwed us up?" She stood up and stepped away from him, angry but not really at him, just the situation.

"Let's just hold off until…after Christmas, okay? Give us some time to get used to living together and being a family unit again. I love you and I'm not going anywhere."

"You're not certain of me, is that it? Still having doubts? What more can I say or do to convince you that I love you?"

"You don't have to do anything. I just think we should wait until after Christmas…"

Just then the oncologist walked into Rick's room and made a wrong guess based on Rick's sad look and Kate's tears and defensive stance. He sighed and then put on his 'happy face'. He'd seen this scene acted out more times than he cared to remember.

"Ah, Mr. Castle, I see you've told her about your condition. Mrs. Castle, Rick's tumor is very small and it won't be a problem for two or three years depending on its rate of growth. We're not in a position to be specific about a probable time frame but he's not in any immediate danger and once we compare its size in November to what it is today, well, we'll know better how much time he has."

"What tumor?" She looked at Rick and burst into tears.

"Or maybe you haven't. Oh, dear…"

Castle was out of bed and standing between the two of them when Kate quietly repeated her statement. "What tumor?" She looked at him and realized why he wanted to wait until after Christmas. He wanted to be certain they'd have enough time. It wasn't her he was avoiding, it was his own mortality. He didn't want her to quit the police force because he wanted her to have her job after he died.

She melted against him and sobbed quietly into his hospital gown. He led her over to the bed and they both sat down.

It took the doctor 20 minutes to repeat everything he'd told Castle earlier in the afternoon. Kate interrupted him several times with questions or requests for an elaboration on one point or another and finally he said his goodbyes, damned glad to have escaped alive.

"Okay, Castle. You win. No wedding until Christmas. No matter what happens in November, I will be Mrs. Richard Castle, understand? Now can I please just hug you? I've missed you so much…"

Next: Alexis learns the facts of life – the Castle version