Disclaimer: The usual.

Chapter Seven: Understanding

I listen to our favorite song

Playing on the radio

Hear the dj say loves a game

Of easy come and easy go

But I wonder does he know

Has he ever felt like this?

And I know that you'd be here right now

If I could have let you know somehow

Every rose has its thorn

Just like every night has its dawn

Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song

Every rose has its thorn

Nightmares plagued my mind as I remained unconscious. Only I knew that they weren't nightmares. I knew that they were real and that they meant something. I was supposed to remember these things. They were important to the way things were. I had to remember these things so I could learn and do better. When my eye lids finally fluttered open I knew who I was. I knew who they were. I knew what the Winchesters meant to me. Most importantly I now knew that Adam was Riley. The same Riley that I had every intention of killing. Only everything was different. I was different. It wasn't just the memories I had from when I was alive but I remembered heaven. I remembered everything that happened there.

I was alone in the hotel room. I stood up and looked around. Even Bella wasn't there. I felt guilty thinking about her. Cooper had just died. I had spent time with him in heaven only to be brought back and end up with another one who was less desirable and less useful. I frowned and looked around. I caught my reflection in the mirror and stared into it. I sighed and grabbed my jacket before going to the door, listening before opening it. I quickly moved away from the room, leaving the door ajar. The impala wasn't in site and I could only hope that Dean was killing Riley as I thought about doing just that. I broke into a run as I lead myself away from the hotel. Not knowing where I was going or what I was doing but I couldn't face them. Not yet. I was configuring a plan when I saw the one person I was able to face.

"You!" I yelled when I saw him.

"Evy?" He asked. "What is it?"

"Riley! I am going to kill you!" I said and quickly moved toward him.

"Wait! What?" He asked. "I'm not…" He said and stopped. "Shit!"

"Riley!" I yelled and ran as he turned to flee.

"Let me explain!" He yelled with me right on his heels.

"I should have killed you when I had the chance!" I yelled as I tackled him to the ground.

That was when the punching and kicking started. The hair grabbing and pummeling. I was only encouraged as his skin began to inflame around his eyes and blood was nearly pouring from his nose and mouth.

"What did you do to me?" I yelled at him. "Why couldn't I remember?"

"Let…me explain." He got out between blows.

I yelled out and kicked him hard in the abdomen before taking a step back. "Explain." I said flatly. "Riley, you're not talking." I stated when he didn't say anything. He remained silent as he slowly got to his feet. I was about to start the pummeling again when my waist was grabbed. "Get off of me!" I yelled fighting whoever it was. I was let go and I whipped around to come face to face with Dean. "Dean…hi." I said and took a step back. "Riley here was about to explain why I'm back from the dead." I told him and turned to Riley. "So start talking." I told Riley.

Dean's face grew hard and he grabbed Riley by the shirt, pulling him toward his face. "You heard her."

"Alright! Alright." He said and Dean released him. "I made a deal." He said taking a step back.

"You made a deal?" I repeated flabbergasted. "You made a deal?"

"Yes." Riley told me. "I felt guilty about you dying. I couldn't bare the thought so I did something about it."

"A crossroads demon." Dean stated. Riley confirmed it with a nod. "Why?"

"Because she's Evy!" Riley yelled. "You can't tell me that you wouldn't do the same thing."

Dean didn't say anything. I looked at him before Riley. "Why couldn't I remember anything?" I asked him.

"Yeah, wait… couldn't?" Dean asked looking at me.

I met his eyes, my mind still reeling from everything that had happened. "I remember now." I told him.

"Everything?" Sam asked, speaking for the first time.

I looked at him and said, "Everything."

"Evy?" Dean said stepping up to me.

"Later." I frowned at him. I looked at Riley as he attempted to take a few steps back. "Keep going or I swear you will never speak again because I'll have ripped out your tongue."

"I told her to make you forget." Riley said quickly. "When I had her bring you back I asked if she could do it. She brought you back and I wasn't sure if you remembered or not but you didn't. So I gave you a fake name hoping that maybe…" He said and trailed off.

"Oh God." I said looking at him. "OH GOD!" I said and ran my fingers through my hair. "You've got to be kidding me!" I practically screamed at him. "There is no way in hell I would ever do anything with you."

"Yeah, I got that." He told me coldly.

"So your plan backfired." Sam stated.

"Yeah." Riley nodded. "She couldn't remember anything but she still did everything like she would have. She even managed to find a frickin dog." He told them.

"And now I remember. I knew I shouldn't trust you but I couldn't remember why. Now I do and you are going to an early grave." I told him.

"No." Sam said stepping next to me. "Let him go." He put his hand on my arm.

"What?" I asked him unbelievingly.

"I think he's suffered enough and letting him live will make it worse. He'll be running, looking over his shoulder for you." Sam replied.

Riley took this moment to run. I jerked as if to follow him but managed to control myself enough to stop. I watched him disappear before realizing that Bella wasn't here. "Where's the dog?" I asked them. Dean and Sam looked at each other before looking at me. "Well?" They shrugged but didn't say anything. "Fine." I said and rolled my eyes. "Bella!" I called. "Bell!" A moment later she came into view. I smiled and squatted. "There you are." I said as she came up to me. I ran my hands down her sides and kissed her head. "Good girl."

"Where did you get her?" Dean asked.

"We were in a house that a vengeful spirit was haunting and she was tied in the basement. The chain she had on was imbedded in her neck. The people who had lived there had abandoned the place and left her behind. The bastards." I said as I stroked her.

"Evy?" Dean said cautiously.

"Don't say my name like that." I told him as I stood and faced him. I looked at them who were both looking at me with worried expressions. "Don't look at me like that." I frowned.

Only the next second Dean had his arms around me. For a moment I didn't know what to think. I wished I could feel what they wanted me to feel. I wished everything felt the same. That everything was normal. But it wasn't. It wasn't normal and it didn't feel the same. When I just stood there Dean released me but his hands remained on my arms.

"Baby?" He said softly.

"I'm sorry." I said looking at the ground. "I'm sorry." I repeated and quickly moved past him.

"Evy, wait." He said following me.

"I can't do this right now." I frowned not meeting his eyes.

"Please?" He said stepping in front of me.

I stopped and sighed. I put my hands on his neck, running my thumb along his jaw line. His eyes closed and a painful yet relieved expression crossed his face. I felt the tears in my eyes. I gently kissed his forehead. He opened his eyes and looked at me…hoping.

"Honey, I'm sorry." I told him. "I can't do this right now." I said and ran my hand across his chest as I walked around him.

I knew this was hurting him but I had to be alone for a while. I had to think about what this all meant. Now that I knew who I was and knew what happened I was thrown back. I didn't know what the next step was or what I should do. I didn't feel bound to this world anymore. I had made my peace. I had died and gone to heaven. I had been in a place where you felt whole and fulfilled. I had my heaven and even when it was gray and bleak I was still whole and complete. It was the way it was supposed to be. I had been happy even when I was trying to fight it. I had tried my hardest to deny the power of heaven but there's no running from it. Now I was back and I was lost and confused. The urge to do what was right was still there but my connection to the world was fragile and incomplete. The one person I needed more than anyone was here. He was here and he wanted me to reunite in a way that I wanted more then anything but…things were different. I felt different. I didn't know how to push it aside. To look at this world full of demons and not wish for the tranquility of heaven. I had been ripped out of there. I had been grabbed and torn from the place I was meant to be in. I suddenly felt fractured. I needed to be mended but in order for that to happen I would have to let him in. I didn't know if I could do that.

I went back to the room and closed the door. My things were there but they didn't feel like my things. These were things that Riley had given me money for. I suddenly felt so angry. The first thing to go was the sign. I didn't want it anymore. The table lamp was next. Then the chairs. My eyes soon blurred with tears and I could barely recognize the screaming that was coming from my own mouth. When I was done I was left shaking in a corner. Something that was also familiar. As I sat there something I hadn't remembered came to me. Fresh tears and broken sobs came with the memory of seeing John. He was dead and in Hell. I would never see him again. He was gone and I was partially to blame for that. I could have done more at the warehouse. I could have done more but I didn't. It had fallen apart after that. Leading to the accident and his sacrifice. I was aware when the brothers came in. Both looked worried and scared. I looked at them before running my fingers through my hair. I looked away in an attempt to hide my tear stained face. I glanced at them and even Bella wouldn't come to me. I closed my eyes and shook my head.

"I need to be alone right now." I told them.

"No." Dean said forcefully.

I frowned at him. "Dean, please. I need to wrap my head around all of this."

"All of what?" He asked.

"Of being alive!" I yelled as I stood in one fluent movement. "I'm alive again! I'm supposed to be dead! I died and went to heaven! I'm not supposed to be here!" Both just looked at me. I shook my head and paced as I tried to control the pain in my head. "I was dead." I said calmer. "I was dead long enough for me to get used to the idea. You have no idea what it's like." They remained silent; I sighed and rubbed my forehead. "How long was I dead?" I asked them.

"How long have you been alive?" Sam asked.

"Nearly two months." I replied.

"That son of a bitch." Dean whispered.

"You were dead for a little over three months." Sam told me.

"How long was it for you?" Dean asked.

I looked at him and tried to even put it into words. "Longer." Was the only word for it.

"I'm sorry." He told me softly.

"Don't be." I told him. "There is nothing to be sorry for. It wasn't a bad place."

"I'm still sorry." He told me.

"The only thing you need to be sorry for is Riley being the one to raise me." I said looking at him. My tone was colder then I had intended it to be. He looked hurt. My eyes blurred and I blinked the tears back as I frowned at him. "Did you even try?" I asked him. "If Riley could do it then all I can think is that you didn't even try." My voice broke with every word.

"Of course I tried." He frowned stepping toward me. I took a step back. He looked at the ground, nodding. "I tried, Evy. I didn't go to a crossroad but I went to every healer. I tried finding a witch, a demon, a spirit…" He said and just looked at me. "I tried everything I could think of. But at some point I had to face the fact that you were gone and there was nothing I could do about it." He told me. It was written all over his face that he was telling the truth and that it hurt him more then he could say.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have jumped to any conclusions." I said and rubbed my brow. "Dean, I'm sorry." I said and looked at him. I saw him make to move toward me but stopped. "I'm sorry." I said again. "I'm just not ready." I told him. "I just remembered my life after months of not knowing who I was. I just need a little time."

Both of them nodded. Dean just stared at me. "We're here for you, Evy." Sam told me sweetly.

Little was said after that. There wasn't anything that could be said. I wasn't going to have a heart to heart talk about heaven. I had to face the fact that I was alive again. Alive and in the world of demons and monsters. I was a hunter again and I would have to fight the good fight. Knowing what lies on the other side. But I also had to be a person again. I had to find my place in a world that no longer felt like mine. I looked at the brothers and wished that I could just forget everything that happened. Forget heaven and Riley. Forget what it meant, knowing what I know. But I couldn't forget and it couldn't be the same. My eyes locked with Dean's and the longer I looked at him the flicker I was hoping for sputtered but it was too soon to tell if it would be the same between us. I just hoped that he would have the patience to wait for me to be ready again. But the love I had for him was still there. That would never go away. As I looked at them I also thought of their mother. I had met her and had gotten to know her. I wanted to share that with them. When I was ready I would share that with them. Tell them how much their mother loves them. How she feels them from time to time. Someday I would be ready to talk about it. I would tell them what heaven was like and I would let them back in. But for now I needed to be a closed book. I needed to straighten all of this out in my head before I dare let anyone else in.

I said my goodbyes to her, knowing that I would never see her again. It was the right thing to do. After remembering what had happened to Cooper I knew that it was better this way. She needed more then I could give her right now. It had been easy finding her a forever home. Leaving my number with the new owners. I told them to call me if they ended up being unable to keep her and I'd come get her again. They told me there wouldn't be a problem but that they would do as I asked. It was short and sweet. Bella licked my face but was just as happy being with her new family. Newlyweds who had just gotten a house with a nice big fenced in yard. She would be all right and knowing that was enough for me.

"Are you going to be okay?" Dean asked me.

"I'm fine." I told him.

"You didn't have to give her up you know." He stated.

"I don't have time to worry about a dog right now. I couldn't stand watching another dog get torn apart because of me. Cooper's gone." I said looking at him. "That was enough for me."

He put his arm across my shoulders. I sighed and leaned into him. He kissed my hair. This was as close we had been since I was reunited with them. I wasn't ready for more. But I was fighting the urge to hoard away in some small dark room. I was fighting for myself but also fighting for him. I stopped him when we got to the car. He frowned and looked at me. I put my arms around his neck. His moved around me and for a moment he was careful but his grip tightened. I furrowed my brows as I ran my hand down the back of his head. He was the first to let go. He smiled as he opened the passenger door. I slid in and looked at Sam in the backseat. I smiled and put my hand out to him. He took it and moved forward putting his arms around my neck from behind. I smiled as he kissed my cheek.

"Thank you." I told him softly.

"For what?" He asked resting his head against mine.

"Everything." I told him.

"Then you're welcome." He smiled and kissed my cheek again before sitting back.

"Where to?" I asked Dean.

"Where do you want to go?" He asked.

"Where did you bury your dad?" I countered. They exchanged a glance. I sighed and looked at my hands. "You burned him?" I asked. They nodded.

"Evy…" Dean said frowning.

"It's okay, Dean." I said softly, taking his hand. "It's okay."

"No, it's not." He said looking at me sadly. "He shouldn't have done what he did. He should be here right now."

"Then you wouldn't be here. He had every right to do what he did." I replied. Only then realized that they didn't know I knew. Dean was frowning at me. "I know what he did." I said averting his eyes.

"How?" Sam asked.

I looked at them before looking out the window. "Never mind." I said resting my head against it.

They didn't push it and soon the impala was pulling away from the house. We drove the remainder of the day with no destination in mind. It didn't bother me though. I had enough to think about, or rather, not think about. It was harder then it looked and the weight of it all was starting to appear. The more I tried to fight against it the more it wanted to pour out. The more I thought about it the more I realized that it needed to be told. I needed to unload and maybe some kind of normalcy would return with it.

"I saw him." I said as we sat in the room. I immediately heard the cease of whatever it was that they were doing. I sat against the headboard and didn't look at them while I talked. I didn't think I'd be able to get it out if I watched their faces. "I had been in heaven for quite some time. I don't know exactly how much. Time didn't mean anything there." I said and paused. "Anyway, I know your dad had died and know why because I saw him. He was there for only a second before…" I said and shut my eyes. I couldn't say the words. "He had to leave. He made a decision. He had to do it. I know he had to do it." I said and opened my eyes. Tears slid down my cheeks and I finally looked at them. "He did it for you." I told Dean. "He did it for you and that's the way he wanted it. He knew what he was doing. He couldn't let you die." I said and paused. "I would have done the same thing. You can't blame him or yourself for what happened. You're alive. It hurts like hell to know that he's dead but it helps to know that it was what he wanted. He knew what he was giving up. He knew what it meant but he did it anyway to save his son. I love him for that. I'll always love him for sacrificing himself the way he did. And we'll see him again. He'll find a way out." I told him. "If you had died too…" I said and shook my head.

"I would have been with you." He told me.

I looked at him. His words hurt more then they helped. "Don't say that." I told him.

"Why not?" He asked.

"Do you remember…seeing me?" I asked. He nodded slowly. "Do you remember what I told you?" He nodded again. "It doesn't matter where I am or where your dad is. You're alive. That's what matters."

"I don't know if it matters as much as you think it does." He replied softly.

"Why can't you understand that there is nothing more important to me then you?" I asked him. "When it came to what mattered to your dad you are one of two."

"Three." Sam stated.

I smiled at him, "Thanks, Sammy." He smiled back. "Dean…" I said furrowing my brows. "I may not be exactly who I used to be but I am starting to be more me then I was before. If that makes any sense." I said and paused. "But the way I feel about you will never change." I said meeting his eyes. "There is nothing more important to me then you. Sorry Sam."

"It's okay." Sam said nodding.

I gave a short laugh before pulling my knees up against me, the smile gone. I felt their eyes looking at me with that worried look. I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. I kept my eyes on the bed as I continued. "There's more." I told them. "I ran into someone in heaven. I almost couldn't believe it when it happened but uh…" I said and paused. "She's fantastic." I said and looked at them. "I can see her in both of you as I look at you now." I could tell that they knew who I was talking about. "I don't want to cause you pain by talking about this but I need to talk about it. I need to tell you what I saw. What I experienced. I need you to understand what it was like."

"You saw her?" Dean asked.

"Spent quite a bit of time with her actually." I told him.

"How?" Sam asked me.

"It was when your dad passed. I could feel him. I knew that something had happened to him. I knew that he was coming. I can't explain how it all works but I ended up in your house in Lawrence. John came down the steps only Mary was there waiting for him. It was very brief. After I realized what was going on I was shocked we saw him at all. I don't know what the deal entailed but he was there. Just the briefest of moments." I said and furrowed my brows. I cleared my throat. "Anyway, when he had left I was left with your mother. We ended up talking for hours, or maybe it was days, I don't know. We talked until she knew everything about me and I knew almost everything about her. She kept her death and other things very guarded. I didn't push her on it so I never did learn exactly what happened that night. But we were close. As close as two dead women can be." I said and looked at them. "Remember to breath guys." I told them. They nodded but stared at me unblinkingly. "Cooper was there too." I told them and smiled. "He was such a good dog. I'm going to miss him."

"At least now you can." Sam stated.

"And uh…" Dean said and fidgeted a little. "What about Jim? Was he there?" He asked and threw me his charming half smile.

I gave a short laugh and grinned at him. "Yes, Jim was there." I told him.

He raised his brows at me and said, "And?" I grinned at him without saying anything. "I knew it. I just knew it." He said looking all upset.

"Hey…" I said getting up. I put my hands on the sides of his head. "And…nothing happened." I told him.

"Really?" He asked putting his hands on my forearms. "You two didn't have some fabulous reunion in heaven?"

I grinned and for the first time since I'd been back I kissed him. It was perfect. "There is only one man for me." I said and kissed him again, my arms wrapping around his neck.

"Are you sure?" Dean asked quietly.

"Honey, you are all I want." I smiled and kissed him again. "That feels nice." I told him.

"Are you ready for this?" He asked.

"I think I can handle kissing. The rest will come soon enough." I said and kissed him hard and deep. "See, I'm nearly me again. You're the reason for that." I said and ran my hand across his chest as I made my way to the door. "I'm going to get some air." I told them before slipping out.

I took a deep breath as I walked toward the picnic area of the hotel. The air was somewhat cool but not enough to make me want to go back. I sat atop the picnic table and looked up at the stars. They were truly beautiful. I smiled and closed my eyes as a breeze blew against me. When I opened my eyes he was there. I hadn't seen him in a long time. I glared at him but didn't say anything.

"Heard you were back in the game." He smiled his yellow eyes focusing on me.

"Yeah, thanks for killing me." I told him sarcastically with a big smile.

"Yes, well, that was unfortunate." He replied.

"Don't sound so upset." I told him, a nervous twang in my stomach.

"It doesn't matter now. You're back in the land of the living." He said with a small smile.

"Okay, look…" I said averting my eyes. "I didn't come back to life to hear sentiments from the demon I've been trying to kill for over a year now." I told him.

"Sentiments aren't quite what I was going for." He told me.

"I'm not stupid –" I said but cut myself off. "You know, what is your name?"

He laughed. "You are one on a list of few to ask me that." He told me. "Who may survive it." He added with a smile.

"So are you going to tell me?" I asked.

"All right." He said with a grin. He straightened up in front of me before he bowed toward me. "Azazel, at your service." He told me.

I nodded. "At my service?" I asked. "Does that mean I can tell you something and you'll listen to me?" He just looked at me. I sighed and got off the table, stepping up to him. "You've played with me, you've hurt me, and you've even killed me. Now that I'm back from the dead my goal is the same as it was. I will kill you." I told him.

He just grinned at me. "You know, I thought you would be a little more tactful." He told me. "I thought you would have come asking me about Riley."

"Now why would I do that?" I asked him.

"Isn't there anything you want to know?" He asked.

"So, you usually keep track of my little group, right?" I asked. He just looked at me. "Did you know that Riley stripped me of my memories when he brought me back from the dead? Did you know that he was lying to me about who he was? He let me believe that he was some stranger and even though he knew me and who I belonged with he kept me away from the Winchesters. He wanted me to be with him. He wanted me in ways he was never going to get me. Whether I had my memories or not." I told him quickly. "So I want you to tell me whether you intend on killing him or not." He didn't say anything. "So your plans involve him being alive?" I asked. "Does it even matter?"

"Everything matters." He told me.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because we're all connected. Everything we do matters in the outcome of all our lives." He told me. "What I do today will affect you. What Riley does will affect you. Whether it's today or tomorrow."

"I don't agree with that." I told him. "The sooner Riley dies the better."

"Maybe." He grinned. "You died. What did that do for the world?" He asked.

"It motivated some and destroyed others." I replied. "Why did you make that deal with John?" I asked.

"Because we both had something to gain." He replied.

"His son would live and you got the colt." I stated.

"Yes." He told me. I nodded but kept my eyes on the ground. "For what it's worth, Evy, I'm glad you're not dead."

"Don't say that." I told him my body gave a shiver with distain. "You're an evil son of a bitch." I told him, my tone harsh.

"Yes, but even demons have feelings." He replied.

"Go share them with someone else." I told him taking several steps back.

He smiled sadly at me. I was about to turn away when a shot rang out and it hit him square in the chest. He looked past me and soon Dean was at my side.

"Dean Winchester, how the heck are ya?" He asked cheerfully.

"Ready to send you to Hell." Dean replied.

"And how do you plan on doing that?" He asked.

"Don't worry, we will get the colt back." He said taking a step toward him.

"Sure you will." He grinned at Dean. "I think I'll take my leave for now. Just had to welcome the lovely Evy back to the living." He grinned at Dean before walking away.

I took a deep breath and looked up at Dean. His face was hard and he didn't look at me until yellow-eyes was out of site. I smiled and put my hand on his cheek. I kissed him gently before turning back to the room.

"What did he want?" Dean asked.

"To be a pain in my ass. The damn demon wanted to see me alive and well." I replied. "And tried to be all…I don't know. It was nothing, as usual." I said sitting on the bed.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked.

I nodded, "Yup. Just another day in the life of Evy Connors."

A/N: Yay! Another chapter! Hope you like! Reviews would be awesome!