Enter: Smexey Strider!

"OK, luggage check!" Kagome yelled as she held her clipboard. Somehow Kagome and her ever-perverted cousin had ended up near the supply store.

Miroku saluted for no reason. "Aye, aye captain!"

"Steel bat?"

"Check."

"Walkie-talkies?"

"Got it."

"Extra flammable hairsprays?"

"Yup."

"Mace?"

"Uh-huh…"

"Anti-rape kit?"

"Got…wait, what?"

"Axes?"

"I don't think those are allowed on cruises…" Just then a small hand handed him two Axe Spray; deodorant body sprays, that is. "Oh, right. Thanks buddy…wait, who—"

Kagome and Miroku whirled around to see Souta and his foxy legged partner-in-crime, Shippou. They were both munching on Laffy Taffy. And for some reason covered in a fine layer of soot. "Hey sis, hey Miroku."

"What are you two doing here?" Kagome stared at the two little ones. "And stop eating those, you guys had enough sugar for today."

Souta ate his Laffy Taffy and took out some Kit Kat bars. "We heard you two are going on a vacation."

Shippou finished his Twix bar and took out some cinnamon buns. "We're going with you."

"What, no way." Miroku protested. "We're on a dangerous mission. This can be rated PG-13 and you guys are…how old are you guys?"

"Our ages are meant to be ambiguous," Souta said. "If you don't take us with you we'll tell everyone about Miroku's stash under his mattress—" Miroku whitened.

Kagome turned to her cousin. "What stash?"

"—under his closet, in his drawers," Shippou continued Souta's sentence, "behind his closet, underneath the lampshade, between the curtains—"

"Oh my gosh," Kagome had an epiphany. "Miroku, are you…ARE YOU HIDING CONDO—"

Suddenly a police car passed by. Shippou and Souta shrieked, dropped their respective cheesecake and smoothie, and hid behind the cowering Miroku. A police officer got out of the car and came over. "Excuse me young miss," he addressed Kagome. "Have you seen these two?" He took out two rough sketches of a fiendish looking Shippou and a snoring Souta.

Kagome's eyes bulged. "They're…what did they do?"

"They snuck into the nearby high school and toyed around with some chemicals in the chemistry lab…apparently they mixed potassium cyanide with some other compounds and burnt the entire science hall down. Scary, huh? Smart kids, such a shame I have to take them into custody. Have you seen them before?"

"Uh…they live in my neighborhood. I haven't seen them all day…" she meekly said.

"Well, if you see them please contact the local authorities."

"…will do." Kagome weakly waved as he left. When he drove away out of sight she rounded on three extremely frightened male characters.

Poor, poor souls…

-

"I can't feel my back," Shippou groaned, holding a yellow duffel bag three times his size.

Kagome glared at the three boys carrying her luggage. "You all deserve this punishment! Not chop, chop! We have to get to the harbor before our cruise leaves!" It had been agreed that the four would be leaving Japan for a much needed…vacation…on the condition that Kagome didn't have to carry any bags or suitcases. Which meant she could take as much as she wanted to the US.

Again, poor, poor souls…

"I think my back just broke," Miroku collapsed and a mountain of bags promptly fell on top of his head. "Tell my mom…I forgot to close the fridge door…"

"Aw shut up," Kagome glared and took out her tickets. She looked at a bulletin board. "Let's see…Disney cruise, Hawaiian Adventures cruise, Gay cruise…corrected as the politically corrected word Homosexual cruise, Homosexual Hawaiian Adventures cruise, Oceanic Catastrophe cruise, Jaws and Speed cruise, Thrown Overboard cruise, the revamped and restored and fail-safe Titanic the Second cruise, I might ride that next summer…oh, here's our ship! It's past Gate Three…let's go!"

Kagome skipped to the harbor as her groupies struggled with the luggage. She handed the gatekeeper the four tickets. "Names?"

Kagome froze…she couldn't tell them she was related to the boy who set the high school on fire. "Uh…umm, my name is…Frod—"

"…Frodo?"

"NO!" Kagome quickly said. "Freudian le Britannia!"

The gatekeeper nonchalantly wrote down her name. "You?" He looked at Miroku.

"Sex God Seducer vi Aphrodite."

Shippou stepped in and shouted, "Cosmonaut Captain Armstrong Vladimir Douglass!"

Souta proudly saluted. "Four Stars Lieutenant Lloyd Freemason Matsumoto, SIR!"

The gatekeeper saluted back. "Please enter to your right."

Kagome, dazed the gatekeeper could take so much rubbish, continued on to their cabins.

-

"I can't believe they believed us," Kagome said as she chugged root beer in the cruise bar. For some reason they allowed Shippou and Souta in because they were Cosmonaut Captain and Four Stars Lieutenant, respectively.

Miroku, who was drinking vodka and becoming very drunk, said, "Ya know, I'm so glad you're such a pretty cousin…I'd hate it if my cousin was ugly."

Kagome gave him a sideways glance. "…thanks." She looked to the little ones, who were square dancing on the bar tables and causing a ruckus.

"Ah mean, Ah'm no incest, but Ah guess…guess-ss…Ah should start hittin' an…a…other gals…" he hiccupped.

Now Souta and Shippou were street dancing.

"Ah guess Ah should let yah go…"

Now they were waltzing…

"Like that guy…seems in-t-eres-ted…in yah." Miroku suddenly but expectedly blacked out, spilling his unfinished bottle of vodka in the process, and began snoring.

Kagome turned to who he'd been pointing to. A mysterious figure cloaked and hooded was staring at her, drinking a pint of ale. A shudder traveled down her spine. Suddenly she heard a squeal and turned to see Souta's legs sticking out from behind the bar table and Shippou's tail cut in the coffee machine.

"Oh for crying out loud—" Kagome got up and slipped on Miroku's spilled vodka. "AIYAHHH!" Kagome fell and in a dramatic slow motion she fell back. CUE DRAMA! Kagome's hands outstretched and the lace holding the jewel around her neck, in a twist of fate, snapped and the jewel went flying into the air. GULP!

Kagome choked and disappeared. She held her neck as she went blue and struggled to her knees. She punched her own gut and spat out the jewel. Kagome collapsed as the jewel rolled to the boots of the stranger, hooded figure.

When Kagome came to she realized she had blacked out and awoken in a dark room.

"Hello?" Kagome quietly said and saw Miroku slumped in a chair, and Shippou and Souta feasting on a plate of tiramisu. "Where are we?"

"In my suite," a gruff voice said from the shadows. "And you're on my couch."

Kagome stared at the outline of the mysterious figure. "Step in the light," she said quietly. "Show me your face."

Suddenly the lights were turned on and the hooded man took off his hood. "This ain't Beauty and the Beast you idiot."

Kagome looked visibly upset. "Darn it…" then she saw his dog ears. And then he also had the jewel in his hand. She loudly gasped. "You're…you're the Dark Pimp Naraku, aren't you?"

"Hell no." He said.

"Are you going to take advantage of me?" She said, still staring at his hypnotizing dog ears.

"…what?" His eyes bulged.

"Do you like the taste of virgins on your lips?" She said and whimpered, though the whimper was painfully faked.

Dog eared man got a nosebleed. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, don't be too rough!" Kagome cried and collapsed back on his couch. "But don't be too gentle! It's my first time!"

He shook his head and held his bloody nose. "I'm not NARAKU. I'm INUYASHA! I'm the Strider, dammit. Your escort!"

Kagome sat up. "So…you're not a pimp?"

"Hell no!" He repeated, more vigorously this time.

"…and you won't take advantage of me?"

"NO!"

"…oh." For some reason she looked disappointed. "But I already started unbuttoning my shirt…"

Inuyasha began bleeding profusely from his nostrils and his pants got a little tight.

"Hey," Souta said.

The two teens turned to the two boys as Miroku hiccupped in his sleep.

"Got milk?" Shippou said as he and Souta held up their cups, supporting nice milk mustaches.

-

Next chapter—more cruise mayhems!