Questions Needing Answers

The memories were disturbing Sesshoumaru which in turn were disturbing Inuyasha who started to shift around, but he was settled again by the petting of his hair. The Lord looked down on the sleeping human, he could see Izayoi clearly in the now veiled violet eyes and obviously the hair but the rest was just like his father; the shape of face and the dark brows that were so familiar. Perhaps if there had been more physical evidence that Inuyasha took after him it would have helped Sesshoumaru to accept him earlier and prevent the harshness of the treatment that was always Inuyasha's lot.

Sesshoumaru knew he alone was to blame for the way things had turned out, Inuyasha looked too like his mother and grandfather and all Sesshoumaru's anger at those two had been meted out in frustration on the pup. As he stared down at the face of his son he got a shock that was the first time he had ever considered Inuyasha as his child; oh yes, technically he had always known but he had never once let the thought flow freely in his mind, he'd always corrected it to 'brother'.

Even when speaking his darkest secret to Rin and admitting to her that Inuyasha was his offspring, he almost immediately qualified it with feeling he was really like his brother not father. Most often he had spoken it scornfully at Inuyasha. But now Sesshoumaru was confused and admitted to himself he was perturbed; he held his son asleep in his arms much as his own father had used to hold him and the feeling was suddenly different, as if the acknowledgement had changed their relationship irrevocably for him.

The feelings he had had growing for his brother were much stronger now that Inuyasha was his son; the hatred was all gone as if it had never been, not a vestige of loathing was left and Sesshoumaru became scared. What was he to do, how could he or should he, approach Inuyasha with this revelation? One thing for certain was he could not spring it on the boy in one go or Inuyasha would run.

Why couldn't this have happened earlier, when the pup had needed him and his protection; why now when Inuyasha was almost full grown? Why could it not have come and stopped him from his irrational cruelty and obsessive hatred when Inuyasha was so young and alone? Why had he never tried to see what his father and mother had tried to teach him?" What was he going to do now? If he and Inuyasha were human, Sesshoumaru might try to live keeping the knowledge to himself until the day he died but they were youkai, living for far too long to live with such a lie hanging over them; besides which he had grandpups and wanted them to know it.

It was not entirely selfish, Inuyasha would know that Sesshoumaru was hiding something; he always did and the trust he wanted to grow between them as brothers would be thwarted. So the sooner Inuyasha knew, the sooner they could try to become the father and son his own father wished them to be. Sesshoumaru didn't try to fool himself that this was going to be an easy road and he had no qualms in using the pups to keep Inuyasha near to him.

He could tell that the pups wanted to stay in the Palace and Inuyasha wouldn't leave them, nor would he uproot them for the wandering life; it was not what he wanted for them. Inuyasha needed almost desperately to give his pups stability and a place to belong and be loved and safe, unlike in his own life. The thought made Sesshoumaru feel such remorse and he tightened his grip on Inuyasha enough to waken him from his sleep.

"Ow Sessh, you don't know your own strength; I won't be hanyou for a few more minutes yet."

"Minutes Inuyasha? You have not long been asleep."

"Feh, you lost your sense of timing or something, dawn is only five minutes away." He laughed at his brother's face when Sesshoumaru realised he had been thinking all night. But looking again at his son's expression, his heart for the first time swelled with pure love for the boy, his boy, his son and it was all he could do not to hug him tightly which would astound and unnerve Inuyasha at the moment. Perhaps it would come, Sesshoumaru hoped so; but how was he to bring up the subject and should he?

As it happened later on, Inuyasha started the ball rolling; he had been watching his children at play as they tackled one another in mock battle with Sesshoumaru standing by his side. Inuyasha felt he could get used to this feeling, the safe and comradely brother who laughed gently at the antics of the pups with him. That feeling intensified when his brother turned to him with an identical smile on his face to Inuyasha's own, sharing the amusement of the pups that were swarming over one of the guards. The hanyou decided that now was the time to talk with Sesshoumaru.

"Sessh…can I speak to you without you getting angry?"

"I cannot promise something so abstract Pup, but I will not harm you for just a question."

"I suppose that's not really what I meant to ask, I mean don't think badly of me or stop talking back to me."

"Ask your questions freely Inuyasha, then we shall see." Sesshoumaru was mildly amused at the way Inuyasha beat about the bush but a rush of guilt swiftly followed, as he thought about the slight trepidation in his voice too. He compared it to the freedom of speech the pups had with their father and that which he had had with his own, certain in the knowledge that they could say and do anything without fear that their father would hurt them. Inuyasha of course, didn't know the truth yet but he shouldn't be concerned that his brother would take umbrage either.

"My pups Sessh, they love it here, its safe and I like it here too but they are hanyou just like me…I know you feel better about me now but its not been that long…perhaps you will regret it in the future; Sessh, tell me why you never mated Rin…please it's important."

"Why Inuyasha? It is a private matter and was between This Sesshoumaru and Rin." The question took Sesshoumaru by surprise and he didn't see what the answer could possibly mean to Inuyasha right now. But the hanyou was alerted to the fact of a significant reason by the evasion and the use of his brother's imperial speech. But it was not an idle question even if it was intrusive of his brother's privacy.

"I know, but it is important. You love pups, I need to know if the reason you didn't was…because I disgust you still so much that you would hate to have hanyou offspring of your own. If that's true, we can't stay here…it wouldn't be fair to you. Deprive yourself of kids and then have me thrust mine on you…we could leave and come back for visits." Silence followed Inuyasha's words and Sesshoumaru looked out at the noisy pups and said;

"Tonight, tonight I will give you my reasons for not mating Rin, but now it is time for our evening meal." He raised his voice slightly and called "Pups it's time for your baths before dinner." They came immediately clamouring for their Papa and Uncle Sessh all at the same time and once again that wave of inexorable sadness passed through the elder. He followed them sedately although with great interest, as they raced with their father giving chase, back across the lawns.

Would Inuyasha ever call him Father in terms of affection, perhaps even Papa and why did Sesshoumaru want him too? What had changed suddenly and why so suddenly, this hadn't been a feeling that had come on his Lordship gradually? To his mind it was suspicious although undeniable, but he didn't know what to do about it and he hated to not have a firm grip on the situation. He had a horrible feeling that soon things were going to spiral out of his control; so setting his mind to thinking while they ate the evening meal and settled the children down for bed, he came to Inuyasha later at least mildly prepared for what he was to say.

When Inuyasha returned to the warm fire and comfortable cushions of the area they all preferred to relax in after putting his pups to bed, Sesshoumaru was waiting for him with glasses of warmed wine. The hanyou could sense the tense unease of his brother and was sorry that he had felt the need to have his question answered but he did, so he tried to lighten the atmosphere.

"It's so bad what you want to tell me, that I have to be drunk first?" He joked but it fell a bit flat.

"Of course not Inuyasha; a glass of wine is not strong enough for that."

"Kagome and I would never have more than one each; she said it made me silly."

"Then it is time to train you to take more than one isn't it?" He gave Inuyasha the glass and they both were silent while they enjoyed it and then Sesshoumaru poured them both another. He noticed that Inuyasha was not 'silly' with the wine and put it down to Kagome's sometimes overly cautious nature. Halfway through the third glass however, Inuyasha was noticeably mellow and Sesshoumaru recommended that if he wanted to stay awake he should go easy on the rest of the glass.

The Daiyoukai sighed when he saw how easily Inuyasha followed his advice, the pup was not normally aggressive in the first instance; he usually was responsive and defensive and when he felt secure he was quite congenial and obviously still young. Sesshoumaru sat down in the chair near to the fire, he didn't need the warmth as yet but it was still a comfortable setting and he found he needed that to his annoyance. Then surprisingly Inuyasha came and sat on a cushion by his brother's feet and leaned against his leg, answering Sesshoumaru's unasked question;

"It feels nice now you have accepted me and I like it when you pet me and scratch my ears." The voice was soft and slightly slow showing that Inuyasha was definitely feeling the effects of the wine although he was far from inebriated; in fact he was just relaxed and open, which was just what Sesshoumaru wanted. Giving in to the hint, the youkai settled his hand on Inuyasha's head and gently ran his fingers round the base of his pup's ears finding the involuntary twitching they did amusing.

"I too am pleased that you no longer hate me Inuyasha and I gain great pleasure from knowing your pups."

"I never hated you Sessh…sometimes I wished I could but…" Was the surprising reply and Sesshoumaru knew the boy did not lie; there was no scent of deceit from him at all. However he ignored replying to the statement and asked a question of his own.

"Do you trust me Inuyasha; do you know that I will never lie to you?"

"Feh, of course, you only lied to me once and you stayed far enough away so's I couldn't tell and that was with the Un-mother. Mind you, it was a dirty trick."

"For that I apologise too, I despised myself at the time for allowing Jaken to influence me in it; but it brings me to something I wish to clarify…"

"Go on."

"It is not easy to put to words; I find that much of the time in my dealings with you that it is not you so much that I hated, as myself for not dealing properly with you. I acted so far beneath myself and with such self disgust and abhorrence that I always took the anger it caused out on you again, making a repetitive cycle I did not have the strength to break. Not that that knowledge will be any consolation for your injuries at my hands."

It took a while for Inuyasha to digest just what it was that Sesshoumaru was saying.

"Does that mean you didn't hate me?"

"Unfortunately no; but it was more the very thought of you I hated, not you personally and then everything became bound tightly together in my actions and I ended up acting unworthy of my position and place in Father's heart and leaving you the one that suffered because of it."

"Oh." Inuyasha would have pulled away from his brother by now but for the steady and reassuring petting of his head that told him things had indeed changed, even more than Sesshoumaru's words could do. Sesshoumaru suddenly felt he needed to clarify his thoughts to both Inuyasha and himself.

"If I could have my time over again I would do things so very differently, although I am aware it is only because of growing maturity that I realise this; but Inuyasha, believe me when I say there is much I truly regret from the past and that now I am glad and very happy that you wish to stay here with the pups. The Palace is your rightful home."

Inuyasha could hear the sincerity and regret in Sesshoumaru's words and tone; there was no lie hiding for some as yet unknown betrayal of the younger brother. So now it was time for the original question to be answered and Inuyasha hadn't forgotten it for all Sesshoumaru's sidetracking. He turned his golden eyes up to look straight into his brother's, as if searching for the truth of Sesshoumaru's mysteries, but they eluded him, his brother was unreadable.

Very aware of Inuyasha's scrutiny, Sesshoumaru started to speak; his agitation only shown by the swift movement to get another glass of wine.

"Your concern that I did not mate Rin because I did not wish to sire hanyou pups is erroneous and you and your family are not a replacement for my lack. You do not disgust me Inuyasha, you haven't done so for far longer than you realise; even before we were reconciled, although I was still bearing a grudge for something that you couldn't possibly help."

"Rin loved you; you would have been very happy with her…"

"Inuyasha I will tell you some of my reasons but not all, Rin understood and accepted them but that is all you need to know right now." There was no reply from Inuyasha just a look of encouragement and Sesshoumaru knew that this was at least a good way to broach the difficult subject but he couldn't just come out and say it, he didn't think the boy would believe him.

"I… have a son Inuyasha, he was not planned by either his mother or myself and although he knows me he acknowledges another as father and in return was accepted as son. He does not know I am his real father."

"Oh Sessh, I'm so sorry; that's must be terrible." And Inuyasha actually got up and put his arm round Sesshoumaru's shoulders in commiseration. His reaction surprised the youkai and even more so when the boy added; "Who took him away from you? I can't imagine how you felt…if it were my pups I'd be devastated. Do you see him often? Fancy knowing your son believes another to be his father, isn't there anything we can do? Did father agree to this? Surely he could have done something, what about the mother, did you love her and have to give her up as well?

"This is awful Sessh; surely the pup's old enough to know the truth now, his sense of smell must tell him, you can't keep this sort of thing from an Inu especially if he has inherited any of your abilities or was this something that was more recent? Oh no, is he only a little whelp now? "

If the situation hadn't got the makings of a tragedy, Sesshoumaru might have laughed at the string of questions from Inuyasha, but he noted with fondness that Inuyasha was willing to comfort and help him if there was anything to be done about salvaging the relationship. As it was he set about trying to calm the distraught hanyou down before he could answer his questions.

Obviously he couldn't tell Inuyasha the complete brutal truth, even a full youkai wouldn't take that very well never mind a half human who would be devastated. All things considered, Sesshoumaru thought it was going to be a long evening and he found to his horror that he was nervous; the thought that Inuyasha would leave when he found out the truth was not to be countenanced.

"Perhaps pup, if I was like you and already knew the delights of having offspring, I too would have fought to keep my son; unfortunately I was very young and arrogant about the matter, not even listening to my parents who tried to get me to take responsibility. I was in my middle adolescence; it is only as I have grown that I feel the miss of him as my son so very much now."

"Do I know him Sessh, he is my nephew; does he know me, or was all this before I was born?"

"It was indeed before and around the time of your birth Inuyasha; as I said I was very young."

"Tell me how it came about that you were a naughty boy then Sessh." Inuyasha said teasing and smiling at his 'brother'. "I always imagined you were such a good little model youkai." He started to snigger then and broke into laughter at the look Sesshoumaru bestowed on him.

"I was indeed a model pup Inuyasha; I learned my lessons well and always strived to succeed, but I was an only child for so long that I was pampered and spoiled as well as deeply loved by my parents. On one of Father's absences we had guests in the Palace; it was my job to make sure they were comfortable." At this point he had to completely ignore Inuyasha's knowing smirk.

"One night a girl bumped into me in the corridor and I have to admit that I was as taken with her beauty as she was with me and one thing led to another and during their stay I met with her nightly. Three months later father called me to his office and told me that the girl was a Princess and was now expecting my pup."

TBC