Thinking Alone

"Sesshoumaru, I'm going back to the village, at least for a while; I need to think about all this and the pups can see their friends."

"Do not go yet Inuyasha, you can think here and the pups are happy enough; they haven't missed their friends."

"Damnit it, no; this is a big thing you've dumped on me, I can't stay here."

"Well at least leave the pups, they are settled and you don't need them around distracting you from thinking."

"I can't leave them for a few weeks or more."

"You can, they will come to no harm with me; I would miss them if you take them away now." Sesshoumaru was aware that he had said the wrong thing the split second the words had left his mouth. Immediately Inuyasha turned on him with a snarl baring his fangs;

"They are my pups not yours, what is it with you? You replaced me with Rin and Kohaku but you are not going to start playing Papa with my pups. You deprived me all these years of a father, now you have deprived me of my brother who I was starting to maybe love, but you will not take away my fatherhood."

"Calm down Inuyasha, I am sorry; I really didn't mean it to sound like that. I am just afraid that if you leave me now you will not return and…

"You thought to take my pups hostage…"

"No, I just don't want you to leave and not come back." Sesshoumaru was sincere; he could feel Inuyasha's pain as if it were his own and wished he could erase it but he knew too that Inuyasha would not at the moment believe him.

"Well perhaps it is too late; I don't know what you want of me Sesshoumaru and I don't know if I care."

"I want my son, Inuyasha; I want you back here my pup."

"It's always what you want, when you want isn't it …Father? No, you threw me away and you would have destroyed me before I was born if you'd been given the chance; you've deceived me all my life and have taken away the last of my family when you killed off my brother. No, it's just me and my pups now; you can't have me after all the humiliation and despair my mother went through from you and others to keep your secret safe and me alive."

"I have no defence against your accusations Pup and I understand your vehemence…"

"Do you, do you remember everything I went through when I travelled with you? All the misery you reserved for me; all of the ill treatment? Of course you do…did you ever realise how much I wanted your acceptance and love back then? I'd have been as loyal as Rin and just as good but you never recognised me once, when I needed you. Your own flesh and blood left in the mud when you nearly killed me for touching your tail and asking if I would have one like you when I was bigger. I had to leave you then or I would have died; but believe me, I left knowing exactly what you thought of me.

"I remember how much care and attention, even love that you lavished on Rin, the protection you gave her. At first I hated her for having my place by your side but I had always known that for some reason you never wanted me, that I could never do enough or be enough to please you and I don't think that has changed. You want my pups but you can't have them, they are mine only now and we are leaving. Do you realise that not being wanted by your parent is a whole lot worse than not being wanted by a sibling?"

At this point Inuyasha broke down in bitter tears and Sesshoumaru moved to hold him but was pushed firmly away. Some instinct however told him not to ignore the boy this time, and he pulled Inuyasha to him in a firm hold, restraining him easily until the hanyou finally relaxed and allowed the embrace. For the first time the acknowledged father held his son to comfort him.

Sesshoumaru stayed with Inuyasha all night and watched over him as he dozed fitfully until morning. On waking Inuyasha felt ashamed, he'd been sleeping in Sessh…his father's arms and he remembered letting out a lot of emotional baggage that usually he kept a tight lid on. Now he wished he had shut up and just gone this morning as if it were no big deal instead of issues that needed discussing.

But Sesshoumaru was still holding him and he had to admit it felt nice but he was not going to be fooled and he did need to think. So Inuyasha pulled away gently and stood to leave but he was once again pulled to his father's chest.

"I know I can never make the past go away, although if I could I would do things far differently for both you and Izayoi and I can hardly expect you to forget it or forgive; but I really don't want to lose you again Inuyasha. Even if you can never call me Father or think of me ever in such terms, I ask you not to stay away forever." It was the closest Inuyasha had ever got to a heartfelt apology from Sesshoumaru and it caused the tears to start to his eyes once more, although he did not let them fall.

"You should never have told me."

"I thought you said no one wants to live a lie.

"That was when I thought your son was some full youkai living well in a Palace where he was cared for by parents who loved him; had siblings and friends and wasn't some outcast abused hanyou. I thought he was growing up like you did, surrounded by everything he wanted while the only thing he missed was knowing who was his true father, even though he loved his adopted one. A youkai princeling that would be happier knowing you and adding you to his family."

"You seem to have given my son quite a history in such a short time." Sesshoumaru ventured to say as Inuyasha blushed, feeling he had given too much away, but he found he no longer cared what Sesshoumaru thought of him.

"It was our dream; Mama and me, one of my favourite stories at bedtime. One day a Prince was going to come and carry us away from the village and adopt us, and we would live happily in his Palace and maybe there would be more children for me to play with; as the Prince would see how beautiful Mama was and how cute I was and want her to have his children. Kagome said it sounded like one of the fairy tales she told the pups, but now I realise just what it was she was saying and hoping for."

It was not as if Inuyasha had forgotten all that he had said to Sesshoumaru but it was far easier to deal with and believe, when it applied to someone else and not to him. He knew that his father was sincerely repentant but Inuyasha had lived the nightmare and often still had bad dreams; in youkai terms it still wasn't all that long ago and he couldn't be quite so objective now.

As Inuyasha had already surmised no one in a youkai family could expect secrets to be held for too long, senses of smell and other signals were too easily read and deciphered. Many of the older and trusted servants knew that Inuyasha was really their Lord's son from the start, when it became known that Izayoi was pregnant; but they had accepted Inu no Taisho as the pup's father because he had been legally adopted by the general.

The humans may have believed the masquerade but a youkai never could although outsiders would accept the common belief, as the males of the family carried similar scents because of their relationship in any case. Now however that both of them knew the truth, there was no need to hide Sesshoumaru's paternity and it was important that the pups know as soon as possible. It did not mean however that Inuyasha would treat Sesshoumaru familiarly as his father; only that protocol would be observed.

The children were delighted and non questioning when invited to call Sesshoumaru Grandpapa, rather than Uncle. It didn't matter to them that Inuyasha had suddenly found a father and not a brother and it didn't change anything for them as far as they could tell. It was only Inuyasha who was having trouble. He couldn't call Sesshoumaru Father, unless he was scathing; not yet if ever, and neither did he find 'Sessh' as easy to say now and in this his father couldn't command him.

But in the light of day Inuyasha knew he could not just uproot his pups and drag them back to the village for a few weeks, they were happy and being educated properly at the Palace; Sesshoumaru would not harm them and Inuyasha couldn't think alone if he was looking after them. However leaving them was the hardest thing he had had to do in a long time and he didn't want to go, but sheer force of will overcame the desire to stay and Inuyasha leapt over the wall and into the forest to the side of the Palace.

He made good time but kept feeling he should look over his shoulder as if he was missing something; of course it was Kagome or the pups or his little group that was missing. It had been a long time since he'd had this sort of freedom to just run and leap without any worries about how long he'd been away, or what could be happening to his loved ones in his absence. In fact the last time he'd been this unencumbered, were the years after he'd left his father's side and before Kikyou sealed him.

They were years he never wanted repeated either, years of hunger, want and terrible soul crushing loneliness; outcast by all society as a monster destined only to be destroyed. Youkai had sneered at him and humans feared him, all loathed him and all because of his mixed blood. Had Sesshoumaru treated him properly, at least he would have grown up to prove his worth safely; but as it was he had been left as a young child unable to do anything but come to believe the awful things said about him.

Not until his beloved Kagome came and slowly but surely taught him to think otherwise did his life truly become happy. Her lack of prejudice showed others that Inuyasha was a person just as much as they were; her lack of fear could allow them to squabble normally without everyone thinking that he would harm her, enabling a normal relationship with his pack to develop. Sure, she could use that damned rosary but it was her only defence against his sometimes runaway mouth and he never wised up to her hormonal times properly. Besides as she grew older and matured she had stopped using it anyway, unless they were in a position that it was fun for both of them.

Thinking of Kagome had brought him naturally to make his way to their hidden and secluded home away from their village house. A west facing wide mouthed cave that in actual fact had a maze of tunnels inside that could be blocked if danger came and opened into several exits at various other points. He and Izayoi had found it useful when life in the village became intolerable; it acted as a holiday home for them.

There had been no real danger when he and his little family came here; it was still private with a grassy park in front, which Kagome had enhanced with plants and trees that in fact, told anyone who might stumble upon it that the area was taken. That and the obvious scents of Inuyasha had been enough for those who didn't know that it was the hanyou's territory.

Many happy days had been spent in this retreat and the scent of Kagome had not faded fully from the area. Here Inuyasha was private and alone but not lonely and he spent one whole week not caring about what he did or when. He ate, slept, thought and wept, whenever it was what he wanted to do and he did a lot of each of them with no one to censure him or call him weak. He also went to sit and reminisce by Kagome's grave every day.

Inuyasha missed her so very much and he knew that his grief was far deeper than any tears he had so far shed could reach in expunging the hurt of her passing. He had some photos of her and all their friends that he could look at but it was going to be many years until he could see more. Kagome had brought a digital camera with her and lots of memory cards and had photographed everyone for the rest of her life. Mama had even had a special battery charger made that could be powered by a hand generator to fit.

Now it was for him to record the growth of their pups and then take the cards back to Mama so that she could see how Kagome had lived and how the pups were when they were babies. Inuyasha had to visit Mama in the future after the well closed with her grandchildren and introduce them; he knew it would be hard but he had promised and it was the only thing he could do for the woman who had willingly given him her daughter.

Early in their mated life, Sesshoumaru had been intrigued and understood the importance of the camera having seen the pictures from the future and how the camera worked. He had commissioned a golden casket to fit the camera lined in padded silk and then encased itself in a plain wooden box so that it didn't look attractive to thieves.

There was another to match that would hold the journals that Kagome had also written for her mother, these detailed her life in her own words so that it would be as though she were actually speaking across time. Sesshoumaru had each book bound in soft leather as they were completed. They had been gifts on the occasion of the first pup's birth and were overwhelming for the new parents who had been worried about how to hide the camera and diaries in the feudal era.

But Inuyasha didn't need a camera photograph to bring Kagome to mind, he could still see her smiling face which hadn't changed with age; he had never cared that her body aged because Kagome was Kagome. He had never loved her just because of her looks, but because she loved him unconditionally and had given him the chance at love no body else ever had and she was the mother of his treasured pups.

In those early days when she had come back to him, three years after Naraku was defeated; the fact that she would die long before him seemed so insignificant and far away. Neither had heeded the gentle warnings from Sesshoumaru, who found out for himself when Rin died before Kagome, just how brief the lives of humans were in comparison to the youkai who loved them.

Kagome had aged gracefully and had retained her spark of mischief throughout her life including her illnesses and his eyes watered yet again when he remembered her insistence that if he fell in love again sometime in the future he must take the opportunity. Kagome didn't want him to pine for too long for her and then her final words to him; 'What a privilege it is to be able to look on you as my final sight Inuyasha, you are so beautiful'.

She had smiled gently at his tears and ran her hand for a final time in his hair sighing softly as she left on a whisper closing her eyes on her hanyou as he'd pulled her now lifeless body to his. Swiping at his eyes wasn't stopping them filling up again at the memory and he was unable to see the stone marker very clearly but he spoke aloud anyway;

"What should I do Kagome? What would you say to me?"

"I think we both know what the Lady Kagome would advise my young Lord" said the familiar voice of Myouga. Inuyasha bowed his head;

"How long have you been here Myouga?"

"I have been around for a while my Lord…in case you needed me."

"Sesshoumaru made sure you followed me huh?"

"Well of all the…can't an old retainer be concerned about his Lord?"

"It's O.K. I'm just surprised I didn't know you were here."

"It's understandable Lord Inuyasha, your nose never works at its best when you get emotional; don't you remember, its one of the reasons you learnt early not to cry? It put you at a disadvantage if you couldn't scent out hunters."

"You still talk too much flea. Hey, did you know about me and Sesshoumaru?"

"Of…of course my Lord, the blood tells me everything about you. Besides, I was there at the time."

"And you never thought to tell me, some retainer you are…"

"I could not divulge that to you Inuyasha, I was under strict orders."

"Sesshoumaru controls you in everything doesn't he?"

"It was not Lord Sesshoumaru, it was the General; no one was to let you know until Sesshoumaru claimed you as his, until then, you were to be considered the General's son."

"Feh!"

"Lady Kagome would want you to go back to your father and work it out with him wouldn't she?"

"Yeah, I know; but I have an awful lot to forgive and I just don't know if I can do that. You were there at the time; do you know why he hated me so much, I always thought it was because he lost Fath…I mean Grandfather when I was born."

"Very well Lord Inuyasha, it just so happens that I do know much of what happened. I'll tell you what I know."

TBC