To Understand a Father
"I was your mother's retainer before I was yours Lord Inuyasha; your grandfather asked me to liaise between him and Lady Izayoi. I know many of the plans they had for you and your mother."
"Spill it Myouga."
"The General wanted you to be brought to the Palace with your mother to live when you were born. He thought that having you around would not only be safer for you both, but also that you would become like a brother to Lord Sesshoumaru at least until he could admit he was your father. He knew that the young Lord would do so, once he got over his tantrum."
"Some tantrum Flea."
"Yes well, that is all it was nonetheless; he'd been caught out and severely reprimanded by his father and to save face he denied you. But your grandfather knew how to deal with your father and his plan would have worked, of that I have no doubt except…"
"…Except he died saving mama and me."
"Correct."
"That's old news."
"But his father's death was devastating to Lord Sesshoumaru; however it wasn't all, the Lady of the West is a formidable woman and she too was beside herself at her Lord's demise. In her immediate grief she placed the entire blame for the General's death firmly on Sesshoumaru's shoulders. He should have gone with Inu no Taishou and helped to defend your mother and you, while his father was so injured. She also said that as Lord Sesshoumaru was so certain he no longer needed to listen to or act on parental advice, she was not prepared to act as his regent; the Lady left and the West became his sole burden."
Inuyasha was silent as he digested this information; in fact he didn't speak for a long time while he prepared himself something to eat. He found to his annoyance that he was feeling understanding of Sesshoumaru; he had lost both his parents suddenly and all because Inuyasha had been born. A blanket of despondency fell over him that was palpable to the small flea and knowing his master of old, Myouga knew the direction his thoughts had taken. He jumped up and down to catch Inuyasha's attention.
"It was never your fault Inuyasha, the fault lay with your father alone and he knows it; that is the reason for his continuing hatred when you were young. Every time he saw you he could see his father and the reason for his death; not you, him. You were Sesshoumaru's responsibility and yet he let his injured father go without aiding him; that was what he could not forgive himself and he wrongly hit out at you in his anger.
"But my Lord, he did always protect you from a distance as well; I know he caused you suffering but he never let anything else ever get close to you, up to the time of you being sealed. He would not let his father's sacrifice be in vain but also because you are his son." Myouga looked affronted as Inuyasha snorted in derision of the last part of the statement but was mollified when his master whispered his thanks.
Silence descended once again. Inuyasha went to sleep after his meal thinking on Myouga's words. His dreams were vivid and he could see as plain as day the young, proud adolescent Sesshoumaru finding he was as good as parentless and alone with just a baby and a woman he didn't want and the whole of the Western Lands to look after while swamped in very real but self inflicted grief.
When he woke in the morning the residue of the dreams were still clear in his mind and he realised how his brother's pride and immaturity put together had been impossible for Sesshoumaru to fight; making a lethal combination that had caused him to take his frustrations out on the only other creature he could, the small son whose existence was the source of his problems.
Outside the early morning was fresh but promised a hot day and Inuyasha breathed deeply before realising he was not alone. The feeling was similar to a few times he had known in his lonely childhood after his mother died; he was being watched by someone and if he turned round he knew that he would see a huge white ghostly shape that had always vanished into the forest as soon as he became aware of it.
It was not however Sesshoumaru; whenever his brother had been around in the past he never appeared in his true youkai form, and even when Inuyasha saw the Daiyoukai for the first time in his large dog shape he didn't look like the fleeting glimpses Inuyasha remembered. But being older now and not the frightened pup who thought half the time he was dreaming or imagining things, this time he knew that the youkai he could feel was real.
Inuyasha walked to the edge of his garden and his eyes came to rest on his apparition; the large and obviously bitch dog was observing him amiably but with a haughty expression that Inuyasha ignored as he came towards her. Now he could see the dog clearly and studied her face he realised he could place her; the faint crescent moon was unmistakeable and he approached cautiously but unafraid.
"My Lady?" He asked and she stood, looming over him until she morphed to her humanoid shape and walked around Inuyasha appraising him and with a quizzical look. He too was taking his turn to look at her and seeing for the first time just how much Sesshoumaru took after his own mother in appearance. 'Hm,' he thought, 'not just in looks but attitude too.' She looked proud but her face was pleasant all the same.
"My Lady?" Inuyasha repeated; he may have understood that she was the former Lady of the Western Lands but she was still an unknown quantity and he was not going to be fooled by her elegance and calm, she would be formidable in a fight if that is what she wanted. But she smiled at him and answered.
"No longer My Lady to you Inuyasha; I understand my errant son has admitted to you that he is your father. I am your Grandmother and you may address me as such."
"Why should I address you as anything? I don't know you." He replied irritated at this female who had suddenly turned up on his doorstep. He walked back into his cave and put his kettle on to make tea not caring if she followed him or not. His Grandmother did follow and settled herself down on one of the cushions to wait for her tea, noticing that Inuyasha for all his gruff speech had set out two cups. She was vastly amused but this did not show on her face; Sesshoumaru had learned a lot at his mama's knee and not showing his thoughts had been a primary lesson.
"You have not changed at all Inuyasha; you are still a rude pup."
"What would you know? I don't remember you taking care of me or my manners before; you are the same as my father, not wanting to know me. I can see the fruit didn't fall far from the tree with you two."
"You are brave my Grandson but foolish too…"
"I am not your Grandson, I have not accepted Sesshoumaru as my father and until and if I do, you do not exist."
"You are so hostile Little Hanyou; I have done nothing to earn your displeasure."
"That's right, you did nothing. I was told you encouraged Sesshoumaru to take responsibility for me and yet when he wouldn't, you didn't step in either. You are both the same, too proud to acknowledge a dirty hanyou at least until he proves himself strong. I wasn't worth either of your time. Well I'll have you know that I survived and grew despite you both and I am worth while."
"How passionate you are; you are like your Grandfather in that, but you are mistaken I have been around at times when my son could not be. We have at times both protected you; I know you recognised me earlier."
"Yeah well, you could have done more."
"True, but I saw no need to get further involved. I had wished that your mother miscarried early but it did not happen and neither did Sesshoumaru take his responsibility as he should have done, causing my mate to die. No I felt I had given enough for you then."
"You are one cold bitch; now I know where he gets it from, you're a right piece of work aren't you, I can see where Sesshoumaru gets his high and mighty ideas from. You left your pup and blamed him for his Father's death just as he blamed me. Idiots the pair of you; the great dragon Ryuukossei killed my Grandfather, not me and not Sesshoumaru.
"So maybe he should have gone to help, but it wouldn't have made any difference and Grandfather knew it; he certainly wouldn't have blamed his son like you did for his death, he'd have been horrified that Sesshoumaru has had this on his mind all this time. Don't you think he's carried that guilt long enough?"
"You presume to know much about your grandfather Pup."
"I've heard a lot about him, and I know that both you and Sesshoumaru adored him; I know that Sessh was more than devastated by his father's death and his mother's desertion than my birth. I know that my nearly emotionless bro…father becomes a completely different character when his father is mentioned. Who knows but if you stayed with him, all our lives would have been different just like my Grandfather wanted and don't give me the excuse that you were grieving, no good mother abandons her pup."
That was more than his Grandmother could take and she lost her cool, backhanding Inuyasha with considerable strength, and although she was careful of her claws she still managed to knock him into the cave wall. Breathing heavily from having the breath knocked out of him Inuyasha wiped the blood from his mouth and grinned wryly up at her.
"He even fights like you once you get under his skin. So instead of giving Sesshoumaru a good spanking and telling him to face up to his responsibilities and that he was going to have to deal with the situation he had caused but with your help, you tried to reason with him."
"Sesshoumaru was too old for such childish punishment, he was older than your pups are Inuyasha; old enough to commit an adult act."
"He was still adolescent running away, just a spoiled, frightened and confused pup; you don't give pups a choice like that; they don't think like adults, they think like pups and they need you the parents,to set the boundaries for them. And they don't need to be thrown away as a bad lot when things go wrong."
There was no rejoinder this time and Inuyasha calmed down and began to reason;
"I do know what I'm talking about Lady; if I'd done the same thing to Kikyou or Kagome when I first knew either of them, I'd have run a mile and father was the same age as me. I mean, I was scared at the thought of being kissed let alone anything else."
Silence followed this outburst as embarrassment set in and Inuyasha got up from the floor and poured some more tea. His grandmother reached out her hand to examine his cut lip and by concentrating her own youki into it, helped him heal quicker than at his normal speed. The unease faded somewhat and the Lady examined Inuyasha's still fiery eyes and expression and then she smiled a genuinely fond smile.
"It is easy to see why you could be taken for my mate's son as opposed to his grandson. You favour his look more than Sesshoumaru's and you have his temper too, hot and over quickly whereas Sesshoumaru learned from me. Although, he does have a lot of his father's fire too; but it takes far more to bring it to the surface."
"I never had trouble in rattling him in the past, even when I was a good pup."
"It is because you reminded him of his father all the time. He was deeply disturbed by the General's death and you are right, he was carrying unnecessary guilt and I should not have blamed him; but Little One you are defending him, will you now accept him?"
"I understand what happened back then now, yes; but that does not excuse his cruelty to me afterwards. He was old enough to know what he was doing to me was completely wrong and it is something I will never understand and don't know if I can; especially as he took in an orphan who meant nothing to him…how can a father do all that…there were times I would rather he had killed me."
"Walk with me pup and show me this home of yours, tell me of your Kagome and the pups." She asked changing the subject, knowing that the pain of Sesshoumaru's rejection still haunted the hanyou who so desperately wanted his father's love even if he didn't realise it himself. She became pleasant and fun to be with. Laughing at some of his tales and every now and then she ruffled his hair and even gave him a hug at one point.
The lady was good company and surprisingly easy to confide in and Inuyasha spoke at great length on his life from growing up right to the present and morning gave way to evening. Inuyasha was amazed at himself; his normal reticence seemed to disappear and the lady was good at listening too, besides being able to make herself useful at mealtimes and he found he was warming to her.
It was when he was describing his thought on Kagome expecting their first child that he started to understand something. The Lady was encouraging him to express his feelings about it;
"It seemed unreal, I had never been around a pregnant woman much, even Sango; Miroku and I were working and besides she was his mate but with Kagome it was strange. But even though I knew she was pregnant and could see her grow, it wasn't until I held the pup in my arms that it became real to me and sank in that I was now responsible for this tiny life. I was such a coward I wouldn't feel her kick no matter what Kagome said, although I did with the others."
"I noticed your grandfather was the same and many women complain that their mates only take notice when the baby is born. This was of course the same for Sesshoumaru; only he never saw the reality of Izayoi being pregnant, nor was he there at the time of your birth to hold you. It would have made a lot of difference to you both, but it didn't happen. He had no contact with you until his world was shattered with his father's death, it does not excuse his behaviour but perhaps some of his lack of acceptance of you as his pup."
"Feh, I understand a lot of things, even some of that but…"
"Can you think about acknowledging my son as your father at all Inuyasha? Her grandson could hear the plea in her voice and knew she would like their reconciliation. He also knew that Sesshoumaru had seen his mother on occasion and he of course had learned of the time Rin had been saved, so mother and son had some form of communication and would like the family whole again. But it was a lot to ask; going forward and developing a relationship with a brother who had ill treated him was different from one with a father.
"I can't promise that, but I will return to visit if not live, that is all I can say." She expected no more and she left him to ponder once more on the direction his life should take. The day had been tiring even for an energetic young hanyou, meeting and speaking with his Grandmother had been exhausting if not illuminating and Inuyasha just wanted to sleep and see in which direction his thoughts and dreams would take him.
One thing for sure was he wasn't going to do what everyone else thought he should do, pushing him into a nice little niche that was ready made for him. He was going to put the needs of himself first this time so that he could best serve his pups with a clear mind; if he was uncertain then so would they be and he was not prepared to let them suffer for one second.
If he let himself become Sesshoumaru's pup it would mean more than just a formality, he would have to be prepared before everyone to let Sesshoumaru have dominion over him. Inuyasha was not too happy with that thought, It would be one thing to give his obedience to his brother because he could qualify that in whatever way he wished; but obedience to his father would require a great deal of trust for him and his family. He would have to obey or his father would lose a great deal of respect, which could have repercussions throughout his land, as well as doing no favours for the integrity of hanyous.
TBC