A/N: Yeah, so the really long italicized paragraph coming up…well, Other Kelly (Raven Wolfmoon) felt like typing a little bit of the story since I'm pathetically slow at it, and she was listening to my ipod at the time so she started typing lots of randomness and I convinced her to keep it in…Be warned, we like Final Fantasy music…
Disclaimer: We don't own Chronicles of Narnia, the Banana Phone song, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Mad-Libs, Star Wars, Disney and all the songs included therein…
Chapter 6: Mr. Tumnus
With Banana Phone still playing in the background, Lucy continued to try and hide from the giant glass of mango juice…er, Peter. She found a door and tried to open it.
"This door's locked…Oh look, here's another one. It's locked too. And this one's locked, too. And this one. And this one. And this other one. Oh, and this one too. Why the bloody hell are all the doors locked?" she cried in frustration, not noticing that she had been trying to open the same door over and over again. Suddenly, she stopped abruptly.
"A strange force is drawing me to this other door fashioned with penguins and glitter and is painted black and is an oompa loompa," she muttered, going to it and opening it. Banana Phone immediately stopped playing as she entered a room with a large thingy under a giant purple sheet with orange spots.
Lucy stared at it, pondering.
"Hmm. The coolio music stopped playing when I opened the door and stared at this sheet—oh, wait, it started again. This music's mysterious and foreboding, as if it's foreboding something mysterious…"
Just then, a fly with no real purpose in the film came through the window, landed on the sill and exploded. No real point in this story either, now that we think about it...
Lucy walked up to the sheet and pulled it back ever so dramatically. With a great quacking of ducks, the sheet landed on the floor as Lucy smiled widely at a large, carved wardrobe, a strange glint in her eye. The glint died with her smile as she continued to watch it and it didn't do anything. Suddenly, acting on impulse, she reached out a hand and opened the wardrobe door.
"Oh look, frosting!" she exclaimed as mothballs rolled out and onto the floor with a clatter that no one looked up to see what was the matter. Not even Santa himself cared. (A/N: Hey, it was almost Christmas when we wrote this!) Lucy ignored it as well as she peered inside.
"…75, potatoes, 76, 77, 78, cows, 79, 80…" came Peter's voice.
With a furtive glance over her shoulder, Lucy turned and fled into the wardrobe, leaving the door open a crack because the moral of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe is to never lock yourself in a wardrobe. Smiling oddly to herself for her own cleverness at knowing such an important lesson, she backed up slowly to conceal herself even further in the darkness. Unfortunately, the wardrobe seemed to extend indefinitely, and as such, many thoughts went through her head as she attempted to hide.
Brother, my brother, eat my brains please I love them so. They make me intelligent and happified and oh look! A turnip! I do love turnips. And dreams within. The stars are crying a tear you know, someone should clean that up. It's making puddles and drowning poor little duckies. I love duckies too. They're squeezy and yellow and cute and probably should start writing sane things now…oh wait…well, more sane things than that bloody stuff! We tremble and spin, suspended withinnnnnnnnn Free…the dream within, the voice is calling a song damn you a prayer, from deep inside you to guide you the dream within, the fithos lusec wecos vinosec by the way. Just a little heads up there. Watch out Squally-Squall!! I love ya man. You're sexy with your scar. Whatever…more Latin and more Latin and woot! I smell like duckies! Oh wait, that's not duckies! That's duct tape! Nooooooooooooo be happy credits! Yayness! I am Cloud, fear me sexy bitches. Aerith was my bitch, but then she died and I bought a new one named Tifa. She's pretty kick ass, my type of babe, let me tell you. Just shut off the damn Aerith music! I've moved on! Can't you see that? That's the last bloody line of the movie! I got a new life now, just quit it! Nooooo no it's bloody not Cloud's theme! I should effin know! I hate your headphones. They suck. UNWRITTEN BITCH. Don't ask. Just slowly walk away.
Lucy continued walking backwards, until 74 hours later she felt a snow-covered branch. She turned around…and found herself in a forest in the middle of winter.
"Wow, it's like a giant wedding cake except not at all," she observed, walking even further into the woods and looking back on occasion to make sure that she could still smell the wardrobe. She walked up to what looked like a giant flashlight. She placed her hand on it, wondering where in Jupiter it could have come from, when she heard it. There was a rustling noise behind her, as well as a rising crescendo of Star Wars music. She turned around, but she couldn't see anything, until the thing jumped out in front of her as the music reached its final extremely loud note and stopped. They both screamed and hid, her behind the flashlight and it behind the nearest tree, scattering its mad-lib booklets everywhere.
Lucy peeked out from behind the flashlight. Seeing that nothing was happening, she sent her stunt double out to make sure that it wasn't Captain Hook. Once she was certain, she magically replaced herself and continued to move forward. She saw the thing that she was hiding from.
It was an incredibly sexy man, only he didn't seem to be quite a man, as he had megaphones sticking out of his head. He was still hiding behind the tree, as if he was afraid of her.
Lucy bent down to pick up one of the mad-libs.
"Were you hiding from me?" she asked.
The man came out from behind the tree, showing off his goat legs.
"Actually, there's a werewolf behind you," he answered.
Lucy's face lit up.
"Really? Where?" she said excitingly, whipping around.
"Ha ha, got you," he laughed, coming around and picking up a few other booklets.
Lucy turned back to him and frowned.
"Stupid goat," she said, then paused. "Meh meh meh. Meeehhhhhh."
The other one scoffed.
"I'm part man too, you know."
Lucy nodded in understanding, clearly not understanding.
"So, what are you? Some kind of beardless dwarf?" the goat/man/ish thing continued.
"I'm not a dwarf! I'm a dwarf!" Lucy handed the booklet she was still holding to the fawn. "And actually, I'm shortest in my class."
The faun took the mad-lib, staring at the girl, utterly confused. Then he remembered the next line in the script.
"You mean to say that you're a Daughter of Eve?"
"Well, my mum's name is Parsnip."
"Yes, but you are, in fact, humanoid?"
"I'm not a robot!"
"I – I meant human."
"Of course, goat man with hairy legs and hairy hair. Why would you think otherwise?"
The faun looked around.
"What are you doing here?" he asked quietly.
"I want to SCREW YOU!"
"...what?"
"Well, I was hiding in the wardrobe in the spare room, and—"
"Square Broom?" the faun cut in. "Is that in Narnia?"
"Narnia? What's that?"
The faun chuckled.
"Well, dear girl, you're, you're in it." He started to point with his Minnie Mouse umbrella. "Everything from, from the flashlight, all the way to Castle Cow Power on the Eastern Ocean," he continued, turning back to Lucy, "every fake stick and fake stone you see, every fake Ice Pop, is Narnia."
Lucy stared at the vast land in awe.
"This is an awfully big wardrobe," she whispered
The faun mumbled "Wart Drone" to himself, then spoke up. "I'm sorry. Please allow me to introduce myself."
"No!"
The faun ignored her.
"My name is Tumnus."
"Is it short for stomach?"
"Um…no…"
"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Tumnus. I'm Lucy Lulu Lucinda Luna Lucifer Lucius Pevensie," said Lucy Lulu Lucinda Luna Lucifer Lucius Pevensie, holding out her hand.
Tumnus stared at it questioningly.
"Oh, you shake it," she added, seeing him eyeing it strangely.
"Uh…why?"
"I…I don't know. People do it when they loath and despise each other, but want to act like they're nice for some reason. I do it with my family all the time."
Tumnus laughed a bit, then shook her right hand with his left. They both giggled. (A/N: Gah! It's adorable!)
"Well, then, Lucy Lulu Lucinda Luna Lucifer Lucius Pevensie from the shining city of Wart Drone in the wondrous land of Square Broom," said Tumnus, letting go of her hand and opening his umbrella again even though no precipitation of any kind was falling so it was kind of pointless, "how would it be if you came and had tea with me?"
"Hey, that rhymed! And thank you very much, but I…I probably should be getting back."
"Yes, but I want to eat you…uh, I mean, I want to nibble on your limbs…I want to have you for dinner…oh just forget it."
"I don't know," said Lucy, though she seemed to want to.
"Oh come on," said Tumnus pleadingly. "It's not everyday that I get to meet someone I want to stuff with stuffing and then eat."
Lucy smiled and picked up the final booklet.
"Well, I suppose I could come for a little while. I'll forget that you want to roast me on a spit." She tucked her arm into the faun's scapula.
Tumnus smiled evilly, steepling his fingers together and muttering, "Excellent."
A/N: Hey Raven Wolfmoon here! Ha, my friend included her love of werewolves! I find that amusing.
Nice to believe that I'm this random NORMALLY, isn't it? Well I thought for reference I would include the songs I was listening to when I wrote that insanity…well, the PLUS insanity in case you wanted to understand my rambling: Brother My Brother by Blessid Union of Souls played in the First Pokemon Movie which we used to like about five years ago; The Dream Within by Lara Fabian, played in the credits of the anime movie Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within; Liberi Fatali composed by Nobuo Uematsu, played in the opening of the video game Final Fantasy VIII; the song by Nobuo Uematsu called credits because it was played in the credits of the movie Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children; Aerith's Theme, also by Nobuo Uematsu and played in that movie too; and finally Cloud's Theme from that same place and all…yeah. I love that music so much!!! Go soundtracks!!! Oh, and the song Unwritten.