Disclaimer: We do not own the Chronicles of Narnia or Final Fantasy X.

A/N: I, that is Raven Wolfmoon, added on a bit to make this chapter funnier and longer, so you might see a style change. The whole beginning part is mine...ALL MINE!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Chapter 7: Tumnus's House

Lucy was half-dragged half-led through the wintry forest of Narnia by the faun who once attempted to use her as a sled. When they finally came over a rise in the landscape, Lucy raised an eyebrow at what appeared to be Tumnus's house.

"Uh…you live in a giant washing machine?" She wondered aloud, incredulous. Tumnus gave her a look and shrugged.

"Hey, it has cheap rent and I always smell like soap. I see no problems in that."

Lucy nodded. She couldn't argue with smelling like soap, because that actually smelled good. She, on the other hand, knew she smelled somewhere along the lines of a skunk that got hit by a car, mixed with squash, basted in a turkey and buried under a pile of manure.

Tumnus seemed not to notice her odd aroma, however, as they slid down the hill and he opened the wide, circular door to his home. Lucy stepped inside and her eyebrow flew off her face, orbited the planet, and then re-glued itself above her eye as she glanced at the interior.

Everything lay in ruin. Books and the bookshelf itself were kissing the scrubbed-clean floor, which was just black metal with holes in it. Tables and silverware and a myriad of other household items were scattered all around and Lucy noticed a fireplace in the far back corner, with two cozy armchairs nestled in front of it. She didn't pause to contemplate the possibility of this because she was momentarily distracted…by stairs!

There were stairs leading down to the front! Gleefully, she skipped up and down them a million times, whittling them down into toothpicks. Next when she tried going down them, she broke through them and splatted on the ground. Standing, she spotted a picture sitting on a stand on the mantle of a cabinet near her, wondering at the many uses of prepositions.

Meanwhile, Tumnus removed his scarf and boogied his fake, green-panted legs to get the snow off of the bottom of them. Problem was, he boogied so fast that his legs shot out in front of him and smacked him in the face, knocking him over. He was about to stand up, moaning, when the floor jolted beneath them.

"Hmm…watch out for that. A new load is starting." Tumnus commented to no one in particular. Lucy could only hold on for dear life as the entire, round house began to rotate, spinning faster and faster and whipping the contents of Tumnus's house around her head. Bubbles and soap suds gave both of them a good clean wash as the dryer was activated (it was a two-in-one system of course). Lucy screamed and was absorbed into a black hole of evil that destroyed the entire universe and ate everyone without pausing to swallow. Well, not really.

When the room stopped rolling, Lucy decided to empty the contents of her stomach onto the floor, which the floor soaked in with haste.

"Happens to me too, every time." Tumnus said, smiling proudly at his own soap-smelling mess draining into the floor. Lucy wondered if he should be the one taking meds, not her.

Shaking her head, Lucy turned back to the portrait and picked it up.

"Ah," Tumnus laughed, calling out to her. "Now that…that is my father." He said, putting the spare key on the top of the cupboard with a guilty look.

"He's hideous," said Lucy. "He looks a lot like you."

"Oh, do you thi – Hey!" protested Tumnus.

"My father ran off to join the circus," said Lucy forlornly, putting the picture back.

Tumnus turned around to face her. "My father went away to join a circus too. But that was only yesterday," he continued, pouring them some liquid and bringing some over. "During this dreadful winter."

"Winter's not all bad," said Lucy, looking down at some books, lying discarded on the ground. "There's running naked in the snow, throwing naked snowballs at naked people…" Some of the books included How to Tell if You Are Real, The Pyreflies Made Me Real, and Hotdogs: The Next Generation. "Oh, and Christmas!"

"Not here. No, no, we haven't had a Christmas in 192,721,652,769,843 years."

"What?" gasped Lucy, coming over to him. "No presents for 192,721,652,769,843 years?"

"Always winter, never Christmas," replied the faun, sitting down. "It's been a long winter." He handed Lucy a cup of the liquid as she sat in the chair across from him. "But you would have loved Narnia in summer. We fauns gambled with the dryads all night," he continued, pouring some whiskey into Lucy's already filled cup, "and, you know, we, we always got drunk." He leaned back in his chair, a wistful expression on his face. "And swears. Oh, such swears!" Lucy took a sip from her cup. "Would…would you like to hear some now?"

Lucy looked up, excited. "Oh! Yes, please." She looked back at her cup. "What exactly is this, by the way?"

"Rum, beer, and tequila mixed with orange juice with a touch of whiskey."

"Tastes like –" Lucy started snoring as teacup shattered on the floor.

Tumnus smiled. "Well, that was easy, I didn't even have to take out my pipes and pretend to play them."

Suddenly, the fire sprang up. The flames morphed into the shapes of rhinos dancing in a conga line before they changed into the face of a lion, who let out an earth-shattering "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

A/N: Apparently, I have an unhealthy obsession with cows, I just realized this when I included so many cow references in this story…although it might have just come from watching Rat Race…

A/N: IT'S STILL MINE!! MUAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Wow, I'm a little insane...just like this chapter! Yay! The washing machine was my idea! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

P.S. MUAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHA!!!

Oh, and a little FYI: MUAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

P.S.S. MUAHAHAAHAHAHAHHA!! Okay, I'm done now.