Jealousy

Feeling very refreshed after his early sleep time followed by a good breakfast, Sesshoumaru's brain was even sharper than usual. His mother was already at work and Inuyasha and the pups were finishing their meal. His mother would always find something that needed doing around the Palace and there were enough of the servants who remembered that she was the prior Lady of the West and who preferred to have dealings with a woman for some of the household matters.

Inuyasha however still hadn't called Sesshoumaru by name or title when he was speaking to him and it was a noticeable omission. To the Youkai it meant that his son was still in a state of flux and that was not good for any of them; it was not as if Inuyasha was unsure of Sesshoumaru's paternity of him, no, he accepted that the Daiyoukai was his sire. It was whether or not he would acceptthe role of father from Sesshoumaru that Inuyasha hadn't decided on; the far more personal relationship and the public submission he would have to show.

The trouble was Sesshoumaru wasn't sure how to help Inuyasha; he knew the heart of the problem lay in the scant amount of time they had shared in a closer warmer relationship, up against the many years of hatred and abuse the boy had suffered. It was glaringly obvious to Sesshoumaru that Inuyasha desired to fully trust his father but was holding back out of fear; not just for him but also the pups, not wanting to tie them to a regime that might ultimately fail them. Sesshoumaru knew that he would not betray Inuyasha's trust, but how to prove it to his protective and still suspicious offspring?

"So impatient, my Sesshoumaru." The Lady said to her son who had not heard her approach, he had been so deeply in thought. "Your Pup is so young and afraid; he needs to learn to trust you fully and you must give him the time to do so."

"For so long I wanted his fear and I made sure that I got it; now the idea makes me want to vomit."

"Now you understand your father and the value of any child, let alone your own. But you also forget that although you have always known that Inuyasha is your son, even as you called him brother, but he has only just found out this truth. It is a lot for the pup to absorb, besides trying hard to believe in your own affection for him."

"I am going to the gardens to be with them for a while should anyone need me." Sesshoumaru said and his mother nodded in understanding. Soon the Great Lord of the West was outside and playing chase with his grandpups while Inuyasha sat in a tree watching over them. It was still a source of amazement seeing Sesshoumaru play with the pups; even laughing as he caught them up, boosting them in turns into the air and catching them safely.

A great surge of jealousy overcame Inuyasha followed by a feeling of self despising as he watched Sesshoumaru play with the pups and he leapt from his tree in great bounds to reach his room before any could really notice that he'd gone. However the salty trail that he left in his wake was easy to notice and follow, which is how Grandmother found him as he lay face down on his bed. She stroked his hair and cooed softly at him without making immediate demands as to what was the matter, but soon she could hear him muttering;

"I don't deserve my pups." Was the muffled and tearful answer followed by "I don't want him playing with them." That came out as a whine and his Grandmother said;

"Why Inuyasha; you know he will not harm them and they enjoy his games?" Grandmother was asking him leading questions now; Inuyasha needed to get this bitterness out of his system.

"I don't know why. I just don't."

"It would be a shame if you forbade it, they play well together and Sesshoumaru is so good with the children." There was no reply this time except for a few choked sobs and Grandmother looked across the room at her son who had appeared at the door. Sesshoumaru had come almost as fast as his mother in search of the upset hanyou who had not yet sensed him at all. However he stayed at the door as his mother shook her head at him, it would be better if Inuyasha didn't know he was there for the time being.

"I don't care; I can play with them, and he doesn't have the right to play with my kids."

"Hush pup, you don't mean that; your pups love him and he them, you wouldn't really be selfish with your wish to stop them." Grandmother decided it was time to be firm and stop the spoiled behaviour Inuyasha was showing. Inuyasha sat up and stared at her; his face was red and hot and although he looked very young, his eyes were old.

"I know what you want me to do; you want me to leave and my kids to stay so you can both play happy families with them and if I'm not selfish I will do it, because it will be better here for my five pups than keeping them in a village where soon everyone they know will die away. I lose my pups and I'll die too, there'll be nothing left for me… "

By now Sesshoumaru had had enough with his son's unhappy ramblings; he knew that Inuyasha had valid grounds for his insecurities but he also had a propensity to be overly dramatic when he was upset. Inuyasha had been fine yesterday and this morning; their relationship seemed to be developing well, but it showed Sesshoumaru that even though Inuyasha may want to be family, he still quickly felt insecure and full of old pain. The youkai approached his son, ready for an attack if Inuyasha felt threatened and took him in his arms soothing the distraught boy with his aura and calm demeanour.

"Mother is unaware of all our history Inuyasha; she only knows that I neglected you and not that I actively sought out to hurt and torment you. But you too are forgetting that I do not lie; no one is going to take your pups away or try to seduce them from you. I know what you are feeling, you are my son and I never played or cared for you in the way I do your pups; you feel a natural jealousy and are impatient with yourself for doing so."

The words, so calmly spoken yet with obvious deep regret, had the surprising effect of lessening the aggressive anger that Inuyasha was wont to show instantly. But they did bring more tears, especially when Grandmother also apologised for her words; explaining that she had not been interested in anything for many years after her mate died and only helped protect Inuyasha from a distance when required. She wanted to know just what Sesshoumaru had done to the boy, but just got a 'later' from her son.

"Why? Why didn't I appeal to you like my pups do; I didn't shame you by my looks 'cept my ears and I was a good pup? I tried so hard to be what you wanted and do as you said all the time, but I was never good enough was I?"

"My Pup, I have admitted I was wrong to deal with you in the manner I did; how do we get around this?"

"I dunno… tell me about Rin; I know resurrected human, orphaned girl who adored you but that's about all…I don't know why you took her in, or what the difference was between her and an orphaned hanyou who also adored you at one time. No, forget that; I do know why you couldn't abide me now."

"Yes, I think it's about time to tell you of Rin; but I will only do so if you can stop crying, my need to comfort you is too great for me to tell stories at the same time." Sesshoumaru was snuffling and growling at Inuyasha's throat, in the same way his son did with his own pups when they were in need of solace. Inuyasha responded in the way that Sesshoumaru hoped, settling down and leaning on his father. Grandmother decided to stay too but she sat out of the hanyou's view so as not to distract the two boys.

"I was left injured when you learned how to do Kaze no Kizu; Rin found me and tried to aid me offering food and water such as she was able. It was sparse meagre fare but I have no doubt that she ate no better. The child was dirty, had signs of bruising consistent with several beatings and yet although cautious, was not afraid to offer her assistance to me.

"After I recovered and left, I smelt the child's blood in the air and I went back only to find her dead from a wolf attack. I felt… pity for her and used Tenseiga to rouse her, since when she followed me having no home or family to return to. Rin greatly reminded me of you my Pup; do not shake your head Inuyasha, it was my shame in the abandonment of you that caused me to wish to atone.

"Every bruise she had, every sign of neglect, I had seen or caused before on you; each time she hoped I'd notice her with her eager gentle expression, I had seen all before, but where I had ignored or chastised you I could not do so again to another child. Rin owed her life to you; by the time I was beginning to realise how despicable my dealings with you, it was too late to reverse the damage at the time and you would never have believed me, or so I thought.

"But I was in error; I judged you by myself, I would have found it impossible to forgive such crimes against me, but not you. You would have welcomed me with open arms had I only apologised and explained myself to you, as I try to do now; instead of perpetuating the disdain, but I have learned a great many hard lessons since you have been unsealed."

Inuyasha got up and went to the window overlooking the immaculate lawns; he was remembering Rin not as the little child that followed Sesshoumaru but the growing girl to woman he had known latterly. She had grown to be a friend to his wife and companion to his brother but not his mate; yet she had been extremely good to him, often smothering him in kindness which made Kagome smile.

He had thought the gifts with beautiful stitching or tasty baking that had started almost as soon as he and Kagome were separated for the three years, was because Sesshoumaru wouldn't let her indulge in such behaviour with him and Inuyasha was the closest the girl could get to his brother; but now he had his eyes opened suddenly. His heart rate rose alarmingly and alerted both youkai to his tumult.

"When did you tell her Sesshoumaru?" He asked, not noticing the flash of dismay on his father's face at the use of his name. After the careful avoidance of either name or title from the hanyou, this did not bode well for his acceptance of the youkai in the personal position of parent.

"I did not 'tell' her; not intentionally, she figured it out and asked me. It was just before Naraku was destroyed."

"She just figured it out?" The sarcasm of the question was not lost on Sesshoumaru.

"Quite, she asked Jaken; saying that she thought I sometimes acted more like a concerned father than brother for you, in the latter days of Naraku. Jaken's usual vocal stumbling and angry bluster did not contradict her quickly enough and she realised rather that he had confirmed it; she only asked me for confirmation. Rin was a very intelligent child."

"That meant that Kagome knew as well." Was the shocked reply which Sesshoumaru could not refute.

"Not until after your first pup was born; I had her wait and keep her news to herself when she was a child, but as the girls grew closer it became inevitable, besides I needed to know if it was wise to approach you on the subject."

"Who decided it wasn't and why…?" Inuyasha was clutching himself tightly, his claws digging in through his sleeves and they could smell the blood. This was going to take a lot of control from Sesshoumaru; he did not want to anger either Inuyasha or himself by saying something they both might regret.

"The time was never right. I waited for you both to come back through the Meidou but when you returned alone, you were in no state of mind to take on new ideas and besides we were only just reconciled. I asked Rin to stay in the village to learn from Kaede partly because she was growing and needed to be among her own kind, but also that I had an obvious excuse to keep checking on you as well; but Rin also agreed so that she could make sure you were looked after.

Sesshoumaru didn't think it necessary at this point to tell Inuyasha that Rin had decided to adopt the hanyou as her own pup, something that carried on with her privately until her childless death; it had been obvious to the person who knew her best, and they never spoke of it. He also knew that it wouldn't take long for Inuyasha to work it out for himself anyway.

"What about all that time I was with Kagome, when she knew and I didn't; how could she keep a secret like that from me?

"Kagome had concerns that as you both had new pups and were fully involved with your growing family as well as forging a relationship with your 'brother', you might easily become distracted or upset, which would be to the detriment of your family who needed you happy and contented. I conceded the point completely; I knew that you were still very young to be a father and your time with your mate was limited by her humanity.

"There would be plenty of time later for us to reconcile with the truth of our relationship. We knew there would be difficulties to your acceptance and therefore kept you ignorant of your parentage whilst your mate required you."

"Feh! You make it sound like I'd have a tantrum or go berserk or something." Inuyasha said angrily. But at that point his Grandmother came over to him and said;

"Everyone makes mistakes Pup; but in this, your mate and father were correct. You and they required stability in your lives; your pups needed you and Kagome to be parents, giving them love and safety. If you had known then what you do now, you would have been even less prepared to deal with it and you are having a hard enough time as it is; and you have known a far kinder Sesshoumaru than you did sixty years ago."

"Feh!...You still haven't told me all about Rin. Why didn't you mate her? I know, I know, I'm asking a personal question…but it's important."

"If I am to tell you the reason Inuyasha, I will need you to be truthful to me when I ask you questions. I think that is a fair trade."

Keh! I don't lie." Inuyasha retorted but quailed inside at the arched eyebrow of Sesshoumaru. "Well I don't."

"Let's say that you can twist the truth to suit you, or evade it completely then shall we? But you will not lie to me or attempt it if you wish to sit comfortably at dinner this evening." Sesshoumaru said, attempting to lighten the mood which had become a little oppressive.

"Feh!"

"Very well, you know that I would have willingly made Rin my mate when she was old enough to know for certain that she wanted me in the same way. I would not have taken her as young as humans normally mate; I was going to wait until she was physically mature and not when her body changed. I agreed with your mate that she would be healthier for the waiting. Had we become mates there would naturally have been pups."

"Well yeah; so…you aren't telling me that you still bore that 'hanyou's are worthless, dirty blooded creatures only worthy of death' are you, 'cos I don't believe that anymore? I've seen you playing with my pups and when you and Rin babysat them, you were happy and I know you were thinking that they could be yours and hers."

"Indeed, I was often struck by the irony; but tell me how you felt when you saw Rin and I with your pups, did you like the sight?"

"Feh! If I weren't happy I wouldn't let you look after them; besides I thought Rin was practicing…you know."

"I do know and I know you were jealous often when you watched us from the tree; tell me why, was it because you wanted to join us?"

"Perhaps."

"Perhaps? The truth if you please Inuyasha, it is important."

"Okay…I didn't mean to get all green eyed as Kagome said. I just wished you'd looked at me that way sometimes; I mean, pleased to see me play like you were pleased with my pups. I never played with anyone before I had pups 'cept Mama. I couldn't help think that if things had been different…"

"And therein lay my problem Inuyasha; you had no way of knowing your position in my heart at the time. Had Rin and I had pups and then told you that you too were my son; I would have lost you, perhaps forever. You would have seen our happiness and compared it to yours and your mother's and we would never have been reconciled.

"You would never have accepted Rin as a step mother; we both knew how you felt about her as a child and disharmony and possibly animosity could have grown with you and the other pups, or you might have felt my love did not extend to you as much as to my legitimate offspring. I would not have a situation develop between any of my pups as had existed with us when you thought I was your brother."

"Rin went along with this?"

"She did, she fully understood and agreed; even though it cost her the chance of motherhood. She understood you were still only a young pup even if you were a father; your reaction this afternoon has only proved your youth. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling or acting, but as your father I must take your feelings into consideration. I have been trying to do so for a long time now and it has not been any easier for me than for you."

Inuyasha was silent as he thought over Sesshoumaru's revelation; the magnitude of his father's sacrifice was staggering, he had refrained from mating Rin and having pups at great cost to both of them because he didn't want Inuyasha to ever feel replaced again especially by other hanyou pups. No one had ever considered him so important that they would put his feelings above their own before; Kagome excepted, but certainly not Sesshoumaru.

As it all sank in Inuyasha began to shake, his heart was in turmoil; sadness and regret flooded his mind, regret for the lost chance at siblings. But he knew that Sesshoumaru was correct, Inuyasha would not have understood or believed that he was just as wanted as any pup Rin could have given his father. He did not even realise that he was weeping once again until his shaking frame was wrapped in what he now could not doubt were loving arms, that held him close to his father's heart.

"Hush my Inuyasha; do not grieve, Rin and I were happy with what we did have and I have never regretted the choices we made. I love you and would not have wanted to cause you any further anxiety." Sesshoumaru rested his head on top of Inuyasha's and growled low in order to comfort his pup but he could not restrain a few tears of his own when he heard his son whimper;

"Papa."

TBC