A/N: iheartmwpp: Yes, I know, it's been forever since the last time we updated. The reasons are pretty pathetic, but, aside from the fact that we are juniors in a lot of tough classed in high school and had midterms, we got sucked into the amazing world of anime and manga. While both of us got majorly into Kyou Kara Maou, I also got into DNAngel, Angel Sanctuary, and Prétear. Yeah, those things became our whole lives for a while. Oh well, doesn't matter, no one cares.
Disclaimer: We don't own anything from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Boo-Yah!
Chapter 9: Edmund Enters Narnia
Hours later, Lucy was trying to fall asleep and have dreams about naked Japanese voice actors (A/N: Yeah I, Raven Wolfmoon, had a dream with a naked Japanese guy in it. Turned out he was the voice actor for Cloud in Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children as well as Yuri Shibuya in the Japanese version of Kyou Kara Maou. That was a strange dream, especially when he opened his mouth and said, "Je parle français." and I was like "Me too!" It was nevertheless interesting…) but found herself staring at the candle flame in her room. Oooo, pretty light, she thought, pretty pretty, pretty…oh, mustn't touch it! It BURNS! She stared at it for a bit longer. Then she asked the question of the universe: Why doesn't it smell like pants? Like so many others who questioned this, Lucy did not receive an answer.
Suddenly, Lucy decided that she wanted to visit Tumnus. Maybe it was the candle that made her think of him, or maybe it was those obscene thoughts again… She swung her legs over the side of the bed so that her feet hovered over a pair of snow boots. She reached over and pulled out a pair of four-inch high-heels from under her bed that she quickly slipped her feet into. She grabbed the candle and walked out of her room in search of the room with the wardrobe in it.
Meanwhile, Edmund was watching porn in the bathroom. He decided that fifteen hours was long enough and quickly flushed the toilet in case anyone was wondering what had happened to him. He exited the bathroom, giggling to himself. "Haha, fools! They thought that I was making it up, but I wasn't! Those naked women are in the bathroom cupboard, and they're all MINE!" Looking up, Edmund noticed Lucy heading for the spare room and immediately forgot everything.
Lucy opened the door to the spare room, and slid on the conveniently placed skateboard towards the wardrobe (how you can be in high-heels and ride a skateboard at the same time, the world will never know). She opened the door, and a winter breeze flew through the door and blew the candle out that was really some random crew member who didn't like light. Lucy entered and went into Narnia.
Edmund entered the spare room. Knowing that his sister had gone off into her fantasy land again, he wanted to catch her at her little game. He crept up to the door, and quickly opened it while shouting "PICKLES!!!!!!!" so that anyone within fifty light years could hear, but shockingly didn't wake anyone in the house up. "Lucy…" Edmund entered the wardrobe, closed the door behind him because he didn't know the moral of the book, and attempted to pursue his sister.
"Lucy…" He paused in his pursuit to glance at what surrounded him. Fur coats! Miles and miles of fur coats! "Mmmm, fur coats," murmured Edmund, "I likes nibbling on them…" And nibble on them he did, until he began to hack up hairballs and decided that he should probably be following his sister, lest she claim all of the fur coats for herself.
He continued through the wardrobe, turning around for some reason so that he was walking backwards. Then he had his stunt double fall over backwards into Narnia because he didn't feel like falling over himself. Edmund magically replaced himself and gasped in awe at his surroundings, inhaling a mouthful of fake snow and choking to death. Once he came back to life for the sake of getting on with the movie, he got up and began searching for his sister again. "Lucy!" he called out. "I still don't believe you even though I'm actually standing in another world!" He continued walking through the forest in search of the youngest Pevensie.
Edmund eventually heard something coming towards him. He turned to his right. "Lucy?" he asked tentatively before quickly diving out of the way in fear of being trampled by a red wagon with a cardboard box over it being pulled along by a newborn litter of gummi worms (sour). The wagon passed him before settling to a stop. An eight-foot man dressed in a puppy-dog suit jumped out of the miniscule wagon ran over and tackled Edmund to the ground, where Edmund began to choke on the puppy-dog man's long, fake beard. He then died again.
When Edmund awoke, he saw a very tall woman standing beside the wagon. How she was suddenly standing beside the wagon, no one really knows, as she had just been sitting in the wagon under the cardboard box thing a moment before. She was wearing a strapless gown made of bluish paper maché and a crown of icicles that seemed to be taller than her rested on her hair, which was the color of red Siberian ferrets. In fact, her hair was made up of red Siberian ferrets. She turned to the doggy-person. "Ginar…Guinness…whatever you name is, get off him."
"Yes, my queen," the dog-guy said in a series of barks that for some reason everyone was able to understand.
The queen weirdly smiled a weird little smile quite weirdly. "Good boy," she said, then looked over at Edmund. "Now then, WHY DO YOU KEEP CHOKING ON THINGS?!?!?!?!" she yelled quietly.
Edmund looked up. "I…I don't really know! It's not my fault I have a small windpipe! I didn't ask for it! Anyways, I was just following my sister around and I found myself here and started dying over and over."
The woman looked up. "Sister?" she asked. "You mean…there are more of you?"
Edmund nodded. "Yes, ma'am. There's my other brother and sister as well, but they didn't believe Lucy when she said that there was a magical forest with a faun called Tumnus in it all inside the wardrobe. I didn't believe it either, but that's only because it sounds like the sort of thing that would only happen in a kid's book or a Disney movie!"
The queen considered him for a moment, before suddenly smiling. "Edmund," she said, magically knowing his name because the author didn't feel like adding more dialogue, "you look so cold. Come and sit with me for a while."
Edmund hesitated before walking over and climbing into the wagon after the queen. The queen proceeded to drape some of the ferrets over Edmund so that he would feel warmer. She then smiled at the boy and asked if he wanted anything to drink. When Edmund nodded, the queen pulled out a clump of Play-Doh and formed it into what looked like a giant mug of Pepsi, which Edmund gulped down thankfully. Then he got the courage to ask, "How did you make Pepsi out of Play-Doh?"
The queen smiled. "I can make anything you like."
"Can you make me sexy?"
"No amount of magic could do that. Anyway, I meant anything you like to eat."
Edmund hesitated before asking, "Raw meat on the cob?"
The queen glanced at him askance, surprised. "You like raw meat on the cob…too?"
Edmund nodded stupidly and smiled. The queen laughed delightedly. Edmund started laughing. They laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed for no apparent reason. The queen then stopped and molded some of the Play-Doh into Edmund's favorite food. He bit into it hungrily, gnawing the meat right off the cob with ferocity.
"Edmund, I would very much like to meet the rest of your family."
"Why, they're nothing special. They don't like raw meat on the cob!"
"How terrible, vile! Damn them to hell!" The queen ripped off one of the dog man's ears and while he screamed and writhed in the background, she reached out to wipe off some blood juice from the corner of Edmund's mouth. Edmund's eyes widened and he bared his teeth threateningly. She quickly removed her hand.
"I'm sure they're not nearly as horrid, obnoxious, repulsive, foul, disgusting, hideous and nasty as you are. But you see, Edmund, I had a bad accident in my youth in which a giant lion kicked me in the ovaries. Therefore, I am unable to have children of my own." The queen explained, politely handing back the ear to the puppy man, who was bleeding rather profusely.
"And you are exactly the sort of pathetic loser who I could see, one day, become my slave, but I'll lie and say Prince of Narnia. Maybe even king…in your dreams."
"Really?"
"Of course, you'd have to bring your family."
"Oh. Does that mean Peter will be your slave too?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! No, no. But my dwarf puppies do get hungry." She nodded over to the dog man, nibbling on his own ear and panting eagerly.
Edmund wasn't sure what to make of this, so he just smiled weirdly and said, "I guess I could bring them."
The queen nodded briskly and tore the raw meat from Edmund's grasp. She offered it to the dog man, who immediately stuffed it up his nose and barked happily, his mangled ear lying discarded on the ground.
"Beyond these woods, do you see those two hills?"
"No…it's just a giant blue screen…"
"Use your bloody imagination!!! My house is right between those two imaginary hills. You'd love it there, Edmund," she continued as Edmund climbed out of the wagon without difficulty. "It has whole rooms simply stuffed with raw meat on the cob. Usually, I'm the only one who eats them. But now I'll have some company."
"Can I have some more now?"
All of a sudden, flames burst out around the queen. Her eyes narrowed to glowing red dotes as the flames licked the air.
"NO!" she screamed inhumanly. Edmund flinched madly.
"I mean, I don't want to ruin your appetite." The flames dissolved and the queen was completely normal, save for a fake smile on her face. Edmund stared at her blankly and then smiled.
"Besides, you and I are going to be seeing each other very soon, aren't we?" the queen simpered sweetly.
"I hope so, Your Ugliness—Majesty."
"Until then, dear one. MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm. I'm gonna miss you."
The puppy man hopped back on board the wagon and ululated to the gummi worms to get them moving. The sled lurched forward as Edmund watched it disappear around the bend.
Then, extremely coincidentally, Lucy stumbled out of the forest, wincing as her ankles cracked in her high heels.
"Edmund? Oh, Edmund! You got here too!" she exclaimed excitedly. She ran up and hugged him, completely unaware of the blood juice spattered all over his chin from the raw meat.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Lucy persisted, oblivious still to the blood dripping in her hair. Edmund pushed her off him.
"Where have you been?" he demanded accusingly.
"With Mr. Tumnus. He's dreadful as always. The White Witch hasn't found out about him having obscene thoughts about me."
"The White Witch?" Edmund asked dumbly.
"She calls herself the Queen of Narnia, but she really isn't."
Edmund suddenly had a terrible sinking feeling.
"Are you alright? You look…well more awful than usual." Lucy glanced at him with pretend concernedness on her face.
"You're mean! Can't wait till I betray you…" Edmund muttered to himself. Out loud, he said, "Well what do you expect? I'm sinking in a patch of quicksnow!"
The youngest Pevensies glanced down at their feet and realized the horrible truth.
"How do we get out of here?" Edmund wondered.
"Come on. This way," Lucy replied, annoyed, as she yanked Edmund bodily out of the snow with bulging biceps. He eyed her strangely as her arms shrunk. Lucy then reached out and grabbed him, pulling him back to the wardrobe.
A/N: Wow. Oh, Raven here again. Just thought I'd point out I am not AS obsessed with Kyou Kara Maou (even though it is an awesome show!) as the other Kelly is. Honestly, it has taken over her mind, literally and figuratively I'm afraid.
A/N: ERM iheartmwpp here. What do you mean you're not AS obsessed? You were the one begging me for details earlier! And, Conrart is awesomeful, hello! And Wolfram. And Gunter. And ALL OF THEM!! You CANNOT DENY THIS!!
A/N: Raven response: True dat, yo. Anyways, we are awful people for having porn and obscene thoughts in this innocent movie. These kids are pretty young, here! And we make them do so many horrible yet hilarious things…am I right? raises eyebrows suggestively
A/N: iheartmwpp: Yeah what she said. Hope you liked it! Review please! And if any of you have some really weird-ass dreams that you want to see somewhere in this story, tell us in your reviews and we'll find a way to incorporate them into the story.