Thank you for the review. I really wish to get more reviews. They let me know that people are still reading. If you see any mistakes please let me know. I want to get better. I am sorry, in advance, if I got Jace's age wrong. Sorry my chapters are getting shorter and this chapter doesn't flow right. Oh, well I hope you enjoy.

Warnings: Heavy mention of suicide. More mentions of cutting and alcohol. Gay pairing, but I hope you already knew that.

The knife clattered to the counter. Alec had dropped it. He felt the sticky blood trickle sown his arm. Blankly he watched Magnus. What was Magnus thinking, now that he saw what kind of monster he had become? Did it even matter?

Magnus studied Alec. His chest was heaving, sweat glistened on his body. Everything was moving too fast. Alec had admitted more to him than he had to himself. He really didn't want to hear more, but Alec wouldn't shut up. "I don't want to do this anymore. I can't live this life."

Magnus could tell Alec's anger was starting to dissipate. Emptiness and despair filled his voice. "Do you have any idea," he continued, "how much I blame myself? Do you know how many times I wish I could cut deep enough or take that noose and wrap it around my neck? I don't though; I don't for Jace.

Alec's parabatai. The shadow hunter he had been in love with. When it boiled down, Alec didn't commit suicide because of the Golden Boy, not because of him. Magnus could live with that for now. He had to.

Alec wasn't quite over Jace. He was afraid of what would happen to Jace if he did commit suicide. It was true Jace made him feel safe. It wasn't true love, but it was close enough.

Heavily Alec sat down on the plush chair next to the fireplace. What was he doing? Why was he telling Magnus this? The anger was gone just as quickly as it had appeared. Now he wanted nothing more than to sleep. Slipping into darkness seemed like the easiest way; the only way.

He waited on Magnus to take a stab at him; to say what a freak he was and how he was so weak. The warlock did not speak. Perhaps he had left, Alec wouldn't blame him. In fact, he expected him to leave.

Magnus watched as Alec buried his head in his hands, back hunched as if he was carrying a physical burden. Even though Magnus knew the bond parabatai shared, it still stung him to know that Alec lived for Jace. He couldn't make anyone love him, not even his family.

Despite what had been said earlier. Those words seemed empty. Nothing seemed real anymore. Love was surreal. Magnus gave and gave, but never received any back. He thought things would be different with Alec. Magnus assumed wrong. Although Alec had said I love back…

It was hard for him to open, but something in the shadow hunter was trustworthy. No matter what happened between them, Alec wouldn't say anything if Magnus didn't want him to. They both knew that much.

Alec didn't want to move anymore. He was perfectly content to stay hunched over with his palms pressed to his eyes. The blackness was helping calm the splitting headache he had acquired. He wished Magnus would say something, just so he would know the warlock didn't leave.

Alec didn't think he could take it if he looked up and saw an empty room. Every scrap of will he had left would be gone. Neither Magnus nor Jake could make him stay. All strings would be cut.

Silently Magnus stood and glided across the room to Alec. Lightly his fingers brushed the man's shoulder. Alec looked up at Magnus. Defeat showed clearly in his eyes.

Life had defeated him. Fear had laughed in his face. Death mocked him. And Love now hated him. What more could happen in his miserable life?

Earlier when Alec had seen Magnus for the first time in weeks the warlock had looked perfect. But now as Alec studied him, he looked haggard. .

Magnus' makeup was smudged. Bags hung under his eyes. Now it was obvious that Magnus was thinner. Alec wasn't the only one who was hurting.

Perhaps he could find some comfort in that, like he had in Magnus' arms. He should stay away, to save Magnus. What if that hurt the warlock more? The shadow hunter was damaged beyond repair. He was poison.

It was easier to feel hate than love, pain than guilt. Alec always managed to feel the harder of the two.

Magnus smiled and looked into piercing blue eyes. "I'm fine," he lied. He was the one faking now.

Alec looked skeptical, but he had no room to talk.

All the warlock wanted to do was tell Alec off; for not calling; for not showing up; not eating; drinking—he hadn't forgot about that—and cutting himself. Angered simmered just below the surface.

It was illogical to be angry at Alec; he was coping the only way he knew how. Magnus didn't exactly know what Alec was going through, but he knew enough to realize the guilt he felt.

Oh yes, Magnus knew how it felt to be guilty of death. Alec wasn't guilty. Sebastian had fooled them all. Magnus knew, too well, how fresh grief felt; how time never dulled anything.

He couldn't help but thinking, if this is how the boy acts when his brother dies, how is he going to act when Jace dies? It was no secret what the reckless eighteen year-old would get himself killed before Alec.

Magnus broke the compelling gaze. His cat's eyes wondered down to the scarred wrist.

Alec visibly tensed when he followed Magnus' eyes. Slowly Magnus took one of Alec's wrists in his hands. "Why?" he said, lightly trailing his fingers over the pink scars.

"I don't know," Alec whispered.

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