A/N: This is a good chapter, if you like our sick humor (which some people don't…cough) and we're sorry if you don't like it. We have minds constantly in the gutter, so things turn out for the worst. Actually, upon retrospect, after Tumnus came in it kind of went downhill from there…meh. If some people still like it, then we'll keep posting! Yay!

Disclaimer: Chronicles of Narnia and Harry Potter (it'll never sell…)

Chapter 10: Running Into the Professor…Literally!

Lucy dashed into Peter and Edmund's room, ripping the door off its hinges as she barged in and gave Peter a massive body slam. It was so much better to harm him while he was innocently sleeping quietly when he had no idea what was happening.

"Peter, Peter, wake up! Peter, wake up! I have a present for you!"

"Really?" Peter asked, sitting up immediately.

"No."

Peter smacked Lucy in the face as she continued, undeterred. "It's there, it's really there!"

"Shut up biatch!" Peter roared, not happy to have his beauty sleep interrupted. And certainly beauty sleep it was…he's sooooo sexy…

"Lucy, what are you talking about?" Peter demanded groggily.

"Narnia! It's all in the wardrobe like I told you!" Lucy cried triumphantly. Susan entered the room, putting on a bathrobe to hide her negligee.

"You've just been hallucinating again, Lucy."

"But I haven't!" Lucy insisted. "I saw Mr. Tumnus again and this time Edmund went too!" Lucy turned smugly to Edmund, who looked confused as his older siblings regarded him warily.

"You…you saw a cheeky bloke who was a blokey cheek with megaphones as ears?" Peter asked. Edmund looked uncomfortable and quickly removed the toaster oven from his pants as he shook his head slowly.

"Well, he didn't actually go with me into the giant washing machine and get his eyes burned out with bleach and then magically regrown by turtle dumplings," Lucy admitted.

"He…" Lucy's face scrunched up and she realized in horror that she was constipated…AGAIN. She tried to ignore this and continued to explain. Finally, she frowned. "What were you doing, Edmund?"

The camera flashed to Susan for an instant for no apparent reason, showing her fluffing her breasts and wondering if they looked big enough. She immediately stopped when she saw that the camera was still on her, and assumed a concerned expression. The camera then went to her younger brother.

Edmund hesitated. "I was just watching porn and eating raw meat on the cob and thinking about betraying you—I mean, playing along."

His siblings, being completely and utterly daft, did not comprehend the first part of his statement.

"I'm sorry, Peter. I shouldn't have encouraged her, but…you know what little children are like these days. They just don't know when to stop pretending and/or growing buck teeth."

Lucy burst into tears, practically folding her face completely in half. Not helping with the problem was her stomach, grumbling threateningly. She raced out of the room, looking for some relief. Peter climbed out of bed with a sigh and shoved Edmund out the window as he went after Lucy.

Lucy careened down the hallway and smacked into the professor, who fell onto the ground laughing hysterically. Lucy jumped onto him, hugging him fiercely as tears began to flood into his open mouth.

Peter and Susan appeared around the corner as Mrs. Macready hurried up, tying on a bath robe furiously with haste.

"You children are one shenanigan shy of sleepin' in the outhouse!" she exclaimed petulantly. "Professor, I'm sorry. I told them that you were not to be disturbed while you were on a…trip."

"It's alright…whoever you are. I'm sure there's some kind of whoa! That is an awesome portrait right there behind my eyes! Hey take this chick to go drink some arsenic."

"But isn't arsenic poisonous?" Mrs. Macready questioned.

"It's a conspiracy, man!" the professor yelled loudly, hence the yelling. Mrs. Macready shrugged and dragged Lucy away.

The professor then cleared his throat.

"Wait, who are you? What are you doing in my house? Where's my sheep? Oh right here around my shoulders. What a lovely new bathrobe this is. Don't you think so, friends? You will be my friends, won't you?"

"Uh…"

Susan and Peter reluctantly followed the professor to his office, where he began to put weed into his pipe.

"You seem to have done something…to that someone there…somewhere in that place thingy."

"We're very sorry, sir, it won't happen again," Peter apologized, and anxiously turned to leave. But Susan remained adamant on speaking with the crazy man.

"It's our sister, sir, Lucy."

"Yeah…that hippo that was crying…I think."

"Yes, sir, she's upset."

"Hence her being the sea otter that was crying!" the professor pointed out loudly.

"It's nothing. We can handle it," Peter spoke up. The professor's eyes glazed over.

"Ah, I remember a time when I thought I could handle it. We were supposed to be married, Cedric Diggory and I. I would've been Digory Diggory. But alas, he discovered my sheep obsession and rejected me for some Asian chick," the professor said thickly, choking on a batch of tears. "It gets me choked up just remembering it!" he cried out miserably, covering his face with his hands.

"What does this have to do with our sister?" Susan wondered, attempting to be respectful.

The professor looked up, aghast. "Gods, woman! What have you been up to?"

Susan opened her mouth, but for the life of her had no idea what to say except to continue on. "She thinks she's found a magical land."

"We must stop her at once!" the professor screeched suddenly. "She must've found my shroom stash!"

"In the upstairs wardrobe," Susan finished.

The professor looked disappointed. "Oh. Then that would be no shroom involvement then—WHAT!?" His face took on a knowing sheen. He got up and ushered the children through a giant herd of sheep to the couch. The children threw many sheep aside as they went to sit down. "What did you say?" the professor finally asked as they settled themselves.

"Um, the wardrobe, upstairs," Peter repeated. "Lucy thinks she's found a forest inside."

"She won't stop going on about it!" Susan added.

"What was it like?"

"Like talking to you…except in a younger and more maniacal version."

"No, not her. The forest."

"You're not saying you believe her?" Peter asked incredulously.

"Anything's possible with the right amount of drugs—I mean you don't?"

"Well, of course not!" Susan stated defiantly. "I mean, logically, it's impossible."

"What do they teach in schools these days…?" the professor hummed to himself.

"Edmund said they were only pretending…" Peter persisted weakly.

"And he's usually the more truthful one, is he?"

"Well, he's not the one on medication."

"If she's not mad and she's not lying, then logically," he shook his butt in Susan's face to emphasize the point, "we must assume she's telling the truth!"

He lit his pipe as Peter stared at him disbelievingly.

"You're saying that…we should just believe her?"

"She's your llama, isn't she? You're practically family by the looks of it! You might just try acting like one." The professor commenced shoving the pipe down his gullet as Susan and Peter exchanged glances.

A/N: Ahhh, more perversion! What are we doing to your fat virgin eyes, readers? AHHH!!!!!QQQQ!!!!!! (Q's are in for good measure. They are fat and sassy.) Hahaha Digory Diggory. By the way, if you liked that line you should read our real and hilarious version of it. It's called Blarg—go check it out! I command you!! C'THULUCHITLAN COMMANDS YOU!!! (Don't ask. Just slowly walk away. Or Review! Either way's good!)