A/N: A little hint: the beaver bashing is not over! Muahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!
Chapter 14: Too Many Prophecies
"Isn't there anything we can do to help Tumnus?" Peter asked once they were seated comfortably in the dam.
"They'll have taken him to the Bitch's. You know what they say. There's few that go through them gates that come out again…with eyes on their butt and butts on their eyes," Mr. Beaver intoned through his bruised and ragged face.
"Guacamole 'n' chocolate sauce?" Mrs. Beaver interrupted with a nasty look at her husband. Mr. Beaver scurried under the table in a panic as Mrs. Beaver laid out dishes with said food on them. "But there is hope, dear. Lots of hope."
Mr. Beaver gagged on a dust bunny. "Oh, yeah, there's a right bit more than hope! Aslan is on the move!" Mr. Beaver whispered ominously, peeping out from under the table. Unfortunately, his dire tone had no affect on the children, who were spacing out in strange ways. Peter was poking the fake beavers that were originally in place of the CG (computer-generated peoples) beavers, Susan was clawing off her face because she thought she had a zit, Lucy was gnawing the table and Edmund was slapping and clapping himself in a bizarre dance he learned from watching Jimmy Neutron.
The director Andrew Adamson then whipped the children back into focus and they continued the scene, pretending to be awed and confused about the mention of Aslan's name. Edmund stepped forward. He voiced the question everyone was asking: "Who the bloody blood bloodiness blood-like bloodily blooding blood is Aslan?"
Mr. Beaver burst out laughing. "Who's Aslan?" he guffawed. "I'm in so much pain right now!" he snorted. "You cheeky little blighter!" he continued, reaching over with a suddenly abnormally long arm and pinching Edmund on the cheek. (Face, idiots.)
Seeing the look on Edmund's face, Mrs. Beaver huffed and punched her husband. He snapped out of his deranged mood and rubbed his arm where she had hit him. "Abusive marriage this is. Too bad she was the only beaver here…else I would've married someone else…"
"WHAT…DID…YOU…SAY????!!!!"
"Hehe…nothing, love! Nothing at all! Erm," he cleared his throat. "You really don't know, do you?" he said, eyeing their bewildered faces. "You really are a bunch of stupid idiots!"
"Well, it's not like we've been here very long!" Peter said as an excuse.
"Well, he's only the king of the whole fake wood," Mr. Beaver explained sarcastically. "The top geezer. The real buttface of Narnia!"
"He's been away, for a long while," Mrs. Beaver cut in.
"But he's just got back!" Mr. Beaver said excitedly. "And he's waiting for you at the Pewter Toilet!"
"He's waiting for us?" Lucy wondered hesitantly.
"You're bloomin' joking!" Mr. Beaver exclaimed. He jumped out from under the table and began to beat himself up with Mrs. Beaver's sewing machine (a big hype in the books you know). "THEY-DON'T-EVEN-KNOW-A-BOUT-THE-PRO-PHE-CY!" he yelled, banging himself on each separate syllable. The children gawked at him, aghast at him damaging himself even more.
"Well, then…?" Mrs. Beaver prompted, actually trying to calm her deranged husband this time.
Mr. Beaver sucked in a large breath. "Look. Aslan's return, Tumnus's arrest, the secret police…it's all happening because of you!"
"You're blaming us?" Susan demanded, incredulous.
"No! Not blaming, thanking you," Mrs. Beaver soothed hurriedly.
"There's a prophecy," Mr. Beaver began, "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches…Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…And the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, though he will have power the Dark Lord knows not…And either must die at the hands of the other for neither can live while the other survives…The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies…" (A/N from Raven who's currently writing this: Obviously, this is from Harry Potter. And sad enough though, iheartmwpp actually told ALL of it to me WORD FOR WORD!! How pathetic is that?? iIheartmwpp: You try reading the 5th book ten times without memorizing parts of it!)
Lucy raised an eyebrow. "And how exactly does that have anything to do with us?"
Mr. Beaver cleared his throat. "Oh, sorry. Wrong prophecy. Erm…One ring to rule them all. One ring to find them. One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them." (A/N from Raven again: Ha! Now that one's from ME! Go Lord of the Rings! iheartmwpp: And she thought I was sad…)
This time, Peter spoke up. "Um…I don't think you've got it right. That doesn't really make sense here…"
"Oh, my apologies. Here is the prophecy: One will die, one will go mad and one will find glory." (A/N: And that's one from a book no one knows! Go Dragonlance: Riverwind the Plainsman! iheartmwpp: I searched for a half-hour to find that one. You know, I got it off E-Bay. 20 cents for the book, five bucks shipping and handling.)
"Well…there's four of us…?" Susan pointed out.
Mr. Beaver rolled his eyes. "Okay, how many prophecies are there?" he huffed angrily.
Mrs. Beaver patted him comfortingly. "Too many to count, dear. They're a good plot device. Too good to pass up, if you take my meaning."
Mr. Beaver sighed dejectedly. "Alright, I'll have one more go: When Adam's flesh and Adam's bone sits at Cow Power in throne, the evil time will be over and done. Ah there, that's the right one!"
"What kind of prophecy is that?" shouted Susan. "The other non-Narnia ones were way cooler! This one doesn't even rhyme!"
"I know it don't," Mr. Beaver interjected. "You're kinda missin' the point!"
Mrs. Beaver put a hand on her husband's shoulder. "It has long been foretold that two Sons of Adam and two Daughters of Eve will defeat the White Bitch and restore peace to Narnia!"
"And you think we're the ones—" Peter interrupted.
"You'd better be, 'cause Aslan's already fitted out your army." Mr. Beaver said.
"Our army?" Lucy asked.
"Mom sent us away because she hated our guts, not to get in a weird war in an alternate dimension," Susan surmised.
"I think you've made a mistake," Peter protested. "We're not heroes!"
"We're from Gmtpkvqn!" (A/N from Raven: This is a language I created…this is how Finchley would look like. Mind you, this is in my REAL story, the one that lives in my head! I'm writing it and actually hoping to get it published, FYI. Check out Raven Wolfmoon's profile to get a link to read it! (And yes, I realized I just referred to myself in the third person.)
"Hmm… Where's that now?" Mr. Beaver questioned.
"Oh, it's King Kong's island," Peter informed them.
"It's rumored there that Lucy is King Kong's illegitimate child," Susan added with a girlish giggle. Lucy lived up to this statement by randomly growing black hair all over her body and acting like a gorilla. She began to hoot loudly at noticing before anyone else that Edmund was gone.
"Thank you for your hospitality, but we really have to go," Susan said, standing up and breaking her head through the ceiling.
"But you can't just leave!" Mr. Beaver insisted incredulously as Peter rose and rammed his skull through his ceiling.
"Ooo eee ooo ah ah, ting tang walawala bing bang," Lucy said forlornly, which translated to: "He's right, we have to help Mr. Tumnus."
"It's out of our noses. I'm sorry, but I'm too sexy to be here. It's time the four of us were getting home," Peter continued. "Ed?"
Peter whipped around in a frantic manner, trying to find the brother that simply wasn't there. He collapsed to his knees in anguish.
"STELLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" he screamed in agony.
"His name's Edmund," Susan corrected him dryly.
"Oh right. EDMUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNDDDDD!!"
A sinister musical theme bubbled all around them as Peter stood up and clenched his fists. "I'm gonna smother him with a prostitute!" he muttered angrily.
"You may not have to. Has Edmund ever been to Narnia before?" Mr. Beaver asked menacingly as the music swelled all around him and ate him.
A/N: Um…eww! We were trying to think of the grossest food ever for the beginning…randomly came up with guacamole and chocolate sauce! Yum, yum! Haha, Jimmy Neutron: Slap, slap, slap, clap, clap, clap etc. by that weird kid what's-his-face. Great line here: "Who the bloody blood bloodiness blood-like bloodily blooding blood is Aslan?" And yes, everyone really WAS thinking of that! Pretty crazy with all the prophecies too, eh? That's the extent of our OTHER obsessions. Yes, we would run if we were you! The King Kong and Stella thing…we don't even know. Oh, and ask the weird one iheartmwpp for the explanation behind "I'm gonna smother him with a prostitute". Most of these little quote thingys we come up with at school…Raven mostly while she's high on food. Now, we are now finished rambling. Thank you, come again!