A/N: For lack of a better chapter title, here you go. Hey, it makes ME laugh, anyways!
Chapter 16: Beware the Kitty Cats!
Edmund looked around when he entered the freaky courtyard of the freaky castle. It was pretty freaky, in all truth. Did I mention it was freaky? Yeah, it was pretty freaky. By the way, the castle was freaky, just so you know. Did you hear that the castle was freaky? Well, the castle was freaky.
Edmund killed the authors and the story ended. Except not really. Only in a figurative sense, since we have the power to kill him if we really wanted to. Hmm…there's an idea…
Edmund staggered through the area, still recovering from his minor heart attack after almost getting flattened by the deflatable castle as well as the continuous repetition of the word…you-know-what. You know, the one that starts with 'f' and ends with 'reaky?' Alas! Do not speak it aloud or you will die!
He took in a deep breath to try and calm his beating heart and wondered on that note how he was breathing if all the exits were now sealed, but that really wasn't important.
What was important was what he saw next. It was horrible, it was terrible it was…it was…Dun Dun DUNNNN!!!
A LITTLE KITTY CAT!!!
It was only a statue of course, but the stage crew neglected to mention that. Edmund ran for his very life, shrieking like the wimp he was. As he ran through the inflated courtyard, he encountered other shocking creatures that also happened to be statues. Edmund, not being the brightest crayon in the box, noticed this only after passing a platypus, a pod of whales, a flock of emus and a sloth, all of which were completely motionless.
"They're not moving," he said aloud to himself, stopping for a moment "Maybe they're all statues or something!" he exclaimed, rather proud of his abrupt brilliance. Suddenly, he had an idea. "I should graffito one of them, just to show how much of a brat I am! I am so badass…," he sniggered as he removed an entire paint set from his shoes: palette, brushes, paint and all. He spotted a particularly innocent-looking chinchilla and got to work.
When he was finished, he paused to admire his job well done. It was so good, in fact, that it was hard to tell if it was turquoise with puce stripes or puce with turquoise stripes. Satisfied, he shoved the painting supplies into his trousers and continued walking normally.
Up ahead, Edmund thought that another clever artist like himself must have passed through, for the octopus lounging on the stair was utterly remarkable. It had a lovely neon-orange sheen and could almost pass for not being a statue.
Cruel irony was that it actually wasn't a statue. Edmund discovered this unfortunate fact as he trod upon the presumed 'statue's' tentacles. In the next instant, the vicious sea beast was latched onto his throat, its suction cups constricting his air flow.
"Be still, stranger, or I'll rip your throat out of your kidneys!" It frothed angrily. Edmund raised an eyebrow, wondering if he was really supposed to be intimidated by this and even a little confused as to how the octopus's threat would be carried out.
All of a sudden, the clicker man clicked the clickey-thingy and the scene paused. Maugrim, aka the octopus, had started to gasp for air. A kind member of the crew threw him into a pitcher of water for a few moments while Edmund began talking to a statue of a pig.
After Maugrim had regained sufficient air supply for himself, the scene recommenced.
""Be still, stranger, or I'll rip your throat out of your kidneys!" Maugrim repeated, "Who are you?"
Edmund cringed as he was supposed to. "I'm Edmund!" he squeaked. "I met the Queen in the woods. She told me to come back here if I wanted more raw meat. I'm a Son of Adam!" he added as an afterthought.
"Oh, okay. Come on in," Maugrim invited him cordially, accidentally flinging Edmund into the courtyard where he fell and bruised his arse on a stone jackalope. (iheartmwpp: I've seen them on two different cartoons. They have to be real!)
Edmund rubbed his sore buttocks as Maugrim led him to the top level of the castle. The slides were initially difficult to climb up after the guy with the suction cups, but lucky for Edmund, he was also Spiderman. Once they reached the top, he was told to wait as Maugrim went off to fetch the Queen. He stared around at the great hall of ice for a moment before his eyes locked on the throne at the end made entirely of thumbtacks.
Glancing around nervously, Edmund approached the dais and sat down, crying out in pain as he was pierced everywhere by tiny little pokers. He jumped out of the chair and noticed the Queen eyeing him with a plastic smile and wide eyes. She was decked out today in an interesting toe-hide dress with a huge, fluffy neck. In her hand, she carried a giant Spoon of Turning (Raven: Go Dragonlance yet again! Well, actually Tas! Go Tas, I love you!)
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" she cried, but then realized that he had already seen her. Her face fell in disappointment before she glanced at the throne and remembered her line. "Like it?"
Edmund pouted his lip and shook his head. "No! It poked me in my owie!" he exclaimed pitifully, pointing to his rear.
The Queen smiled. "I thought it might. That's why I really must order a new one. I saw a mahogany throne from Raymour and Flanigans and—" she trailed off as the puppy-man came up and squatted next to the throne. The Queen sighed dejectedly and bunched up her skirts, sitting on her throne with a pained face.
"Tell me, Edmund," she said as she was comfortable enough not to die, "are your sisters deaf?"
"No."
"And your brother. Is he …………………………………………………………..……………………………………………………...…………………………………………………incredibly sexy?"
Edmund rolled his eyes. "Well everyone seems to think so, but I think—"
The Queen stood up abruptly, although she had some difficulty since most of her dress's fabric was stuck to the thumbtacks. "Then HOW DARE YOU COME ALONE????" she roared. The Siberian ferrets' eyes began to glow red and shoot man-killing laser beams everywhere. The puppy-man sighed and idly tilted his head to avoid getting blasted. (Raven: Haha! Gwendal from Kyou Kara Maou much? Had to do it!)
Edmund backed up in fright. "I tried—" he stammered.
The Queen's voice dropped to a deadly quiet, quipped tone. "Edmund, I ask so little of you."
"They just don't listen to me!" he insisted feebly.
"You couldn't at least bring your sexy brother," the Queen harrumphed.
"I did bring them halfway. DAM, they're at the little house at the DAM, with the beavers."
"DAM!" The Queen echoed, thoughtful for a moment. "Well, I suppose you're not a completely stupid, brainless, slow, thick, hopeless, dim-witted, worthless, pathetic, mindless, foolish, moronic, useless, wimpy, thoughtless, idiotic, tree-hugging, sissy, loser, are you?"
"Well I was wondering," Edmund asked hesitantly, stepping forward. "Could I… maybe have some more…raw meat on the cob now?"
The Queen glared at him before turning to the one-eared puppy-man. "Our guest is hungry." She sat back on her throne, wincing, as the puppy-man approached Edmund.
"This way for your ickle snacky-poos!" barked the puppy-man mockingly, picking up Edmund by the scruff of his neck with his teeth and carrying him away.
The Queen smiled to herself before calling to her orange friend. "Maugrim?" The octopus appeared beside her. "You know what to do." Maugrim smiled evilly and then clapped his suction cups together numerous times, calling to his brothers.
Suddenly, dozens of neon octopi seeped through the cracks in the floors…or so it seemed. Maugrim started forward and led them onto the ceiling where they teleported away to find the other children.
A/N from Raven: Hey there, peoples! How'd you like this one? It might be getting even more random… Thanks to Dawn over the Valley for letting us use your strange-ass dream (the neon-orange octopi!). That was fun…and I must say it was all my other half's brilliance incorporating it into this story. Yay! Over 2000 hits! WOOHOO!!! Oh, and I have a request; I really want to write a story based on song lyrics. Now, it can't be a song that is already a story (like Jack and Diane…I think that's what it's called). It's got to be something with cool lyrics that could be made into an awesome story. I was thinking some of some Evanescence stuff from the CD Fallen, but I don't know. Anybody got any ideas?