A/N: And another chapter up. The movie's flying by, literally. It smashed into a window and broke open my face. It kind of hurts. Oh, this is Raven by the way. And everything I just said actually never happened. BUBBLES!! They make me sad because they taste like soap.

Chapter 19: The New Theme Park

Edmund was not having a very fun time being stuck in a giant, floating ice cube. It was rather cold, considering it was a frozen ice cube. In fact it wouldn't be an ice cube if it wasn't frozen. It would be water. It's all a matter of temperature and the different states of water. You see, water can be a liquid, a gas or a solid—DAH BRAINS! Sorry, I was hit in the head by an opossum.

Anyways, Edmund was chillin'. Literally. Frozen in the ice cube near him was a tin plate with a piece of chocolate fudge cake on it. Next to it was a glass of frozen vodka. Edmund was quite disappointed. He tried gnawing at the ice cube so he could maneuver himself over to the food. He grabbed the chocolate cake, took a bite and immediately spit it out in disgust.

"What the bloody hell's wrong with you?" cried an indignant voice. Edmund looked through a crack in the wall and saw a fellow prisoner, a man with goat legs, looking at him strangely. "Why aren't you bloody eating that cake? It's CAKE!!"

"It's gross," Edmund explained.

"You're gross!" the goat-man countered.

"Well you're gross infinity!"

"…Fine, if you're not going to eat that…"

Edmund handed the goat-man his piece of cake. The goat-man then commenced shoving the cake into his face. Edmund grew rather confused, especially as the man took off some frosting and began rubbing it up and down his arms. "What are you doing?" he wondered aloud in abject horror.

"I eat food by sucking it through my pores."

"I…see… You must be Tumnus."

"And you must be Lucy Lulu Lucinda Luna Lucifer Lucius Pevensie's pimp."

"Uh-huh. I'm Edmund."

"You have the same zit, right there," Tumnus confirmed, pointing to Edmund's nose. "Is your sister in the worst possible danger ever? Could she die at any given second? Is she subject to dangers completely unexplainable, such as zombie squirrels, or, dare I say it, exploding cockroaches?"

"Probably," Edmund muttered, almost guiltily.

"Sucks for her then."

Suddenly, there came a sound of whishing footsteps. Up ahead, the gate to the prison magically unlocked and the White Bitch unceremoniously slid through the door on her knees. She tried to stand up, but immediately fell back down, bashing her head on everything and anything and getting her spider-leg dress covered in ice and snow. She smelled like grapefruit. When she finally was able to get her bearings, she stumbled forward and came to stand outside Edmund's cell.

She glared at him. "BANG!" she yelled, to make it sound like the gate opening menacingly. She did that to try to cover up her slipping and dying before, but it didn't really work. "My police ate every bloody square inch of that dam and upchucked on my feet. There were none of your little family's limbs anywhere in the vomit! And my octopi had diarrhea for a week!" The Bitch got into a crane and lifted Edmund up by the collar of his shirt. The crane, by the way, was not a bird.

"Where did they dine? I want to find a good Mexican restaurant to eat at tonight!"

"I d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-don't know!" (A/N: It said he was stammering when we put on the subtitles, so we made him stammer prettifully.)

"Then you are of no further abuse to me." She got out of the crane and raised her Spoon of Turning threateningly

"Wait! The beaver said something about a new theme park opening, called Ass Land!"

"I think you mean the giant lion puppet thingy that's supposed to be God in this world. You know, Aslan?" the Queen pointed out dryly. Then she got excited. "But certainly the Ass Land opening is more important news! We should schedule a trip there this summer!"

"But how can there be a summer if you make it always winter?" Tumnus wondered. The Queen stabbed him with her Spoon of Turning.

"Your smart-assedness reminds me that I wanted to kill your family, Edmund. Where are they and where is Aslan?" she demanded, turning to Edmund again after her fearful close up.

"I…"

"Oh he's an idiot. He doesn't even know what 13 times 20984059810983047198234789018091834 equals 2.727927775 1035. (A/N: Go ahead and do it if you don't believe us. Yes, we are that lame. And we both hate math! Yay!) Everyone in Narnia knows that!" Tumnus quickly spoke up. The Queen stabbed him again a little harder considering she was actually on a cue that time. "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! I want my mommy! I can't call for my daddy though, cause he's a circus freak…"

"My dad's a circus freak too!" Edmund exclaimed.

"Yes, I believe that was established a while ago," the Queen pointed out before growing fierce again. "I said…where is Aslan?"

"I think it's in the entertainment district," Tumnus said through his strange grunts of pain.

The Queen rolled her eyes. "I didn't say Ass Land! I said Aslan! Where is Aslan?" She looked at Edmund. Edmund looked at Tumnus. Tumnus looked at the Queen. The Queen looked at Tumnus. Tumnus looked at Edmund. Edmund looked at his finger. The Queen looked at the wall. Tumnus looked at the gate. The Queen looked at her dress. Ginarrbrik, who was just there, looked at Edmund. Edmund looked at the ceiling. Tumnus looked at the glass of vodka. The Queen looked at Ginarrbrik. "Where is Aslan?" the Queen repeated in irritation.

Edmund looked at Tumnus. Tumnus looked at Edmund. Edmund looked at the Queen. "I…I don't know." Tumnus looked down in relief. "I wanted to see you!" Edmund insisted a second later.

The Queen thought a moment. "GUARD!" she screamed inhumanly.

Michael Jackson entered and struck a pose. "Your majesty?" he said seductively.

The Queen screamed. "AHH!! HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE??? I THOUGHT I LOCKED THE DOOR!!"

"You unlocked the door when you said 'bang'," Michael Jackson explained.

"Damn," the Queen muttered, rushing forward and beating up the terrible diva with her Spoon of Turning. After Michael Jackson finally fled for his life, the real guard sauntered in. It was Michael Jackson. The Queen screamed. "I THOUGHT YOU JUST FLED FOR YOUR LIFE?!"

Severus Snape removed his costume. "Sorry. I enjoy the styles of long ago, especially since it goes so well with my hair. And my gargantuan nose too, of course."

"Um…I think you're in the wrong movie."

"Ah, yes, it does seem that way, doesn't it. I guess I'll see you later then. Meet me at Starbucks."

"Seven o'clock?"

"Sharp," Snape confirmed. He then disappeared in a puff of greenish smoke. In walked the real guard this time. It was Michael Jackson.

"OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!" the Queen screeched. Her guard took off his costume. It was actually Michael Jackson underneath. The guard then removed that costume, prompted by the Queen's rage.

"Sorry, just messing with you," said Michael Jackson.

"WTF??????"

The guard then removed his third costume. He was actually—

"Bloody hell, just stop it already!" the Queen fumed. The guard finally relented and turned into that ugly froggy thingy with the really low voice.

"Your Majesty?"

"Release the faun," she commanded.

The thingy grunted. "Grunt," he grunted. The guard hammered some spikes into Tumnus's legs and made the faun stand up.

"Where are we going?" Tumnus asked.

"To Ass Land. We won't be seen for awhile. Might as well kill some time, ya know?" the guard said. Tumnus readily agreed.

"Do you know why you're here, faun?" The Queen piped up.

Tumnus glanced up. "Because I believe in free kids' meals at McDonalds."

"You're here because he," the Queen pointed at Edmund, "turned you in, for coupons to Walmart." Tumnus looked horrified.

"But the prices can't be beat!" Edmund hurried to explain. Tumnus still looked sad but then shrugged.

"Always low prices," he muttered forlornly.

"Always," Edmund agreed.

"Why is this turning into a Walmart commercial?" the Queen demanded.

The guard shrugged. "I don't know. Let's go to Assland already!"

"Oh, alright!" the Queen said. They exited, leaving Edmund to sulk in the background.

"I wanted to go to Ass Land," he said to himself.

A/N: iheartmwpp: Woot! Go me making Michael Jackson pop up everywhere! Oh, and I had thought of something a while back, for when the four of them are back together and hanging out in the camp area thingy. I thought that there could be a musical interlude of sorts. I already thought of some pretty decent stupid songs, but other recommendations are always helpful. So if you have any ideas for really dumb songs that you think would work in Narnia, please mention them in your reviews.