A/N: Warning: this is a bit insane. But then again, when is it not? We had Starbursts, so just be prepared for the worst!
Disclaimer: We do not own the Chronicles of Narnia. If we did, we would kind of not be living right now.
Chapter 21: Boiling Jello. AND DIE!
Peter, Susan, Lucy and the beavers halted in their tracks as they stared down a huge green screen at what the director told them would be a river of wiggling jello and a frozen waterfall.
"OH NO! THE JELLO IS WIGGLING AND DIE!!" Lucy cried out in dismay.
"It must be springtime, AND DIE!" Susan surmised. Mr. Beaver gave her an odd look.
"We have to cross, now, AND DIE!" Peter said firmly.
"Don't beavers make muffins AND DIE?" Lucy piped up, as if that would help their situation.
"Not the jazz muffins, AND DIE!" Mr. Beaver answered savagely. Lucy wondered vaguely where she had put her rake…
"Come on, AND DIE!" Peter insisted, yanking Lucy forward and accidentally propelling her over the side of the cliff. She landed in a puff of snow far down below. Peter smiled sheepishly. "Oops…AND DIE!"
"Wait! Will you just think about this for a minute AND DIE!" Susan spoke up in irritation.
Peter turned to her. "Oh, that's really nice AND DIE!"
"Why do you keep saying 'and die' AND DIE!"
"I don't…really know…AND DIE!"
"Well, maybe we should just not talk AND DIE!"
"We're kind of making a movie AND DIE! We can't just not talk AND DIE! And anyways, we don't have time to waste AND DIE!" Peter pointed out.
"I'm just trying to be realistic AND DIE!"
"No, you're trying to be a smartass. As usual…AND DIE!"
"Okay, we really need to stop saying 'and die' now…AND DIE!" Susan muttered. "Can this scene just bloody end now…AND DIE?" Susan rolled her eyes as she heard howling. "Thank god AND DIE!"
Back in the woods somewhere, some of the Queen's octopi had discovered the little grotto the Pevensies and beavers had hidden in previously. The octopi howled angrily at missing the little children, hoping that they would get a chance to munch on some cobwebs later. Oh, and there was also a scene showing Edmund amazingly STILL in the Queen's nasty, pasty, gnarly, dry-y clutches! Just to remind the stupid people out there where Edmund actually was. Even though he didn't matter at all.
Meanwhile, the rest of the Pevensies and beavers were grunting as they climbed down the side of the snow-covered, extremely dangerous cliff of death. Well, actually Lucy was already at the bottom. She was waiting with a chain saw as her siblings slowly descended.
"Argh AND DIE!" Peter groaned as he struggled down the mountain.
"Ugh AND DIE!" Susan echoed similarly.
As they continued downwards, the group decided to break the 'AND DIE' business by screwing with the authors and talking through sign language, which they of course inherently knew. But, they didn't have dialogue yet, so they had to wait and see if it worked or not…muahahahahahah!
Finally, they all made it down to the shore of the river. Mr. and Mrs. Beaver successfully tackled the maniacal Lucy to the ground, shoving the chainsaw in their pockets to use later, because they somehow had pockets in their fur. Having been deprived of homicide, Lucy was reduced to pouting forlornly, her little game all gone.
The others looked on fearfully as the jello wiggled and made menacing cracking noises for some odd reason. They then realized someone off screen was cracking peanuts with a mallet, disrupting what was so scary a scene. That person was immediately sacked and replaced with a potato, who directed the rest of the shoot.
Daring Peter bravely pushed Mr. Beaver out first to test the wiggling jello. Mr. Beaver carefully balanced his way across, slapping it with his tail because he was badass.
"You've been sneaking seventy-second helpings, haven't you?" Mrs. Beaver signed desperately. She sighed in relief when the 'AND DIE' didn't happen again, until her fingers subconsciously moved and she had signed the horrid phrase. She covered her face with her hands and wept.
Mr. Beaver decided to try his luck. "Well, you never know which meal's gonna be your last," he signed "especially with your cooking!". Then, a moment later, "AND DIE!"
The Pevensies hung their heads and decided to commit suicide by walking across the wiggling jello behind the beavers. It was too painful to bear!
Susan huffed indignantly. If Mum knew what we were doing, she thought, AND DIE! "Nooo!!" she screamed, dropping to her knees in despair. "AND DIE!" she whimpered not a second later.
The others glanced back at her and then frozen gelatin rained down at them from the frozen waterfall.
"Oh no. AND DIE!" Lucy said without emotion. Inside she hoped that the octopi running above them across the wiggling jello would come and just eat them now. Luckily, the octopi cornered them from behind and they were forced to halt in place. Mr. Beaver was the first to attempt suicide, growling at the octopi and consequently getting smashed to the ground and held in place by their thrashing tentacles. "Peter, AND DIE!" Lucy got her brother's attention.
Peter noticed Mr. Beaver and ground his teeth. Lucky bastard, he thought, AND DIE! With a renewed burst of energy, he withdrew his sword and pointed it at himself.
"Put that down, boy, AND DIE!" Maugrim snarled as he padded forward toward them, even though he was an octopus. He frowned. "What the hell? AND DIE!"
"Now do you understand?" Mrs. Beaver said miserably. "AND DIE!"
"No…I…er…someone could get hurt. AND DIE!" Maugrim tried, confused.
"Don't worry about me AND DIE!" Mr. Beaver supplied.
"Oh we won't! AND DIE!" Susan bellowed angrily at him, jealous.
"Leave now while you can, and your brother leaves with you," Maugrim attempted, unsure. He grinned and then gasped. "AND DIE! What is going on? AND DIE!"
"That's what we'd like to know, AND DIE!" Lucy said sadly.
"I don't understand this at all. AND DIE!" Maugrim complained. "Why, authors, why???? AND DIE!"
"Join the club, AND DIE!" Mrs. Beaver muttered.
Just then, before Peter could successfully stab himself yet again, the jello began to wiggle even faster. All the people and animals on it were thrown off balance as they jolted around.
"Oh no. AND DIE! The waterfall's melting. AND DIE!" Lucy said, deadpan.
And that's just what happened. As the molten jello broke free of its frozen constraints, Peter somehow remembered what he did in the actually movie. He stabbed his sword into…well, if he stabbed it into the jello it would just sink all the way through and it'd just be pointless. Thank goodness there was a turtle swimming through the jello at exactly that moment (?). Peter stabbed down and managed to get his sword stuck in the turtle's shell, saving his sisters and the beavers who joined them later. The octopi were swept away, never to be seen again until later in the movie.
They eventually washed up on shore. Peter and Susan crawled onto the bank, sopping wet.
"God, I am so hot when I'm wet," Peter said to himself. Susan widened her eyes in amazement. "What? What's the matter?"
"We're…we're speaking normally!" Susan exclaimed in wonder. There was much rejoicing.
"Oh, um, by the way, where's Lucy?" Mrs. Beaver brought up.
Peter smiled happily. "Lucy? Ah, oh well. She probably drowned."
"Yes!" Susan yelped excitedly, high-fiving a nearby tree.
"Has anyone seen my coat?" wavered a voice.
"Oh bugger!" Susan swore, seeing Lucy come into view shivering.
"You know, I'm pretty surprised we don't actually have hypothermia right now," Peter surmised.
"How can we can get hypothermia from jello?" Susan pointed out. "Especially 'molten jello'? That kind of gives the illusion of searing, burning heat."
Peter shrugged. "Well, then what was the turtle doing swimming in the jello?"
"I'm over here, you limey fruitcake!"
Peter turned around to see the turtle standing behind him with his sword still jammed in its shell. "Oh, hello Mr. Turtle!"
"I think you should be apologizing now! It doesn't exactly feel very pretty with a sword stuck in my spine!"
"Well, what we were doing in there?" Peter retorted.
"Apparently getting stabbed and almost killed by YOU!"
"Oh well…sorry about that then!" Peter simpered, ripping out the sword as the turtle yelled in pain. "There you go! Back into the molten jello for you!" Peter said gallantly as he pushed the turtle back into the boiling jello. He screamed in pain, but the others ignored him completely.
"I'm a little cold," Lucy said, despite having come out of the boiling jello. "Can I have my coat now, Peter?"
"No, piss off," Peter answered harshly.
"WAHHH!!!" Lucy whined.
"I don't think you'll be needing those coats anymore, HAIRY SQUASH OF DOOM!" Mrs. Beaver brought up.
"Why did you just say 'hairy squash of doom' HAIRY SQUASH OF DOOM?"
"Oh damn the authors, HAIRY SQUASH OF DOOM!" Susan muttered fiercely, raising her fist to the sky.
"I've just been stabbed by your actor!" the turtle protested to the director Andrew Adamson.
Andrew shrugged. "Terribly sorry for the inconvenience. He is rather an unpredictable sort."
"Unpredictable, eh? Well I'll say! Ramming his sword through my spine!"
"And suing is more important than treating your mortal injury?" Andrew wondered vaguely.
"Well…yes. I should probably just go to the hospital. I suppose…I'll just go…now…"
"Bye Mr. Turtle!" Andrew waved, pushing the turtle back into the boiling, hairy, lava jello.
A/N: Sorry for being a bit annoying, but it made it funny…right? RIGHT??? (sob) I just wanted to be cool! Not like the boiling jello…AND DIE! HAIRY SQUASH OF DOOM!! Go crappy catchphrases. Except not. Believe it! Dattebayo! Man, what a drag. Y'know? D'oh! Excellent. It's time to duel! FRIENDSHIP! Gotta catch 'em all! (We do not own Naruto, the Simpsons, Yugioh or Pokemon, nor would we actually want to. Except the Simpsons. Yeah, that's about it)