A/N: Okay, we have some slightly valid excuses for being late this time. One, my (iheartmwpp's) Internet was completely down, and this computer was the one that had the file on it. And also, the excuse that's all the rage these days, we had finals. But now, school is finally out! Yay! I totally threw out all my notes once each final was done. WOOT! NO MORE SCHOOL! And it's my birthday! Yay go me! Okay, moving on to something you actually care about now…

Disclaimer: We own nothing from the Chronicles of Narnia, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Harry Potter, Dragonlance, Monty Python or Bobobo-bobo-bobo. (shudders)

Chapter 22: The Mountain of Cheese

"And I don't think you'll be needing those coats anymore, said Mrs. Beaver, pointing behind them. The three humans stared at the scenery behind them and were forever remembered in the Guinness Book of World Records as having the longest reaction shot in film history. Everywhere, the fake snow was slowly starting to disappear. The children walked through the woods, eventually leaving their coats behind as the winter finally ended. Everywhere they looked they could see signs of spring. Leaves were growing on trees and flowers were blooming all over the place. All the happy little elves came out of their 192,721,652,769,843 year hibernation and began to sing.

Bum buttery, flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh
Bum Buttery, bluebird
Is singing a tune.
Daffy-down-dillies awaken
And prune
Bursting in bloom
All the flowers assume
It's a loverly, loverly spring.
Chit-chattery chipmunks
All singing along,
Humming their
Join-in-a-spring-along song.
Spring is the springiest time
For a song
It's a loverly, loverly spring.

In the forest we play
With the rabbits all day—

We visit the birdies and fishes
There's nary a care when there's spring in the air
The feeling is just to deliscious
Bum Buttery buttercups all in a row
Trilling and frilling and stealing the show
May is merriest month that I know
It's a loverly loverly la la la loverly la la la loverly spring!

After the song ended, the elves went to join their brethren in the kitchen at Hogwarts, seeing as how they hadn't eaten in 192,721,652,769,843 years.

Susan raised an eyebrow. "Wait a minute. Weren't we going to save all the dumb songs for later in the story?"

Lucy shrugged. "I guess the authors just thought it felt right. Besides, it was still May when they started writing this a month ago, so it makes even more sense."

"Can we get on with the plot, already?" asked Mr. Beaver.

Peter gasped. "This movie has a plot?"

The Bitch, Edmund, and the one-eared puppy man stared at the waterfall. It really was water now, and no longer molten jello. The dog guy yawned. "It's so warm out," he barked, shedding his fur and growing a new coat.

The Bitch gaped at him. "How did you do that?"

"Oh, I'm part snake; my great-grandfather was one."

"Sorry I asked. Now go check the sleigh."

"Why?"

"Because you're cutting into our screen time. Get lost!"

"Oh. Okay." The puppy guy went off-screen, and there was much rejoicing.

"Your Majesty," said a voice from behind them. Maugrim came up along with five other octopi, one of them carrying the deformed fox in its tentacles. "We found the traitor," continued Maugrim. "He was playing videogames with your enemies near the Shuddering Woods."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," interrupted Edmund. "How the hell can woods shudder?"

The octopus shrugged. "I dunno, I didn't write the script." He motioned to the octopus holding the fox, and it instantly chucked the fox into the air. The fox landed with a happy splat on the soil.

"Nice of you to drop in," the Bitch commented slyly, very happy to say a line that almost made sense.

"That was an unnecessarily bad pun," the fox replied awkwardly, considering that his face was smashed into the ground. The Bitch ripped out a ferret from her head and hurled it at him.

"Ow."

"You were so helpful to my octopi last night—" The Bitch broke off her speech as some of the octopi began to snigger. She threw her hands up in the air. "IT'S SARCASM!! Now get your minds out of the gutter!!" She tore down the gutters from her castle, decapitating several octopi as she launched it over the mountains and into a random town in New Zealand, squishing some unfortunate passersby.

"Wait, how is it possible to throw something onto Earth when we're in Narnia?" Edmund wondered.

"Because you touch yourself at night. Now SHUT UP!!" the Bitch shouted angrily, hence the yelling. "Anyways, you stupid fox, perhaps you can help me now."

"And why the hell would I do that?"

"Uh…because I'll give you a reward or something. A mountain of cheese, perhaps?"

"Who'd want a mountain of chee—sign me up!!! Okay, what do you want to know?" the fox asked, sitting up eagerly.

The Bitch sighed in exasperation. "How could you possibly fall for such a stupid temptation—oh my god a mountain of cheese!! Sweet!!"

"Did someone say cheese?" Edmund demanded, running and skipping around in excited circles.

"CHEESE!! Are you kidding me? This ROCKS!! Now I know why I made this movie!" Andrew Adamson came careening onto the scene, demanding his mountain of cheese. It was then that the writers made clear the fact that the actors suck and had made up practically all the script in this scene. Andrew Adamson was quick to fire them all, before being reminded that if he didn't have actors, he wouldn't be able to make a movie. He personally did not care, considering there was no mountain of cheese involved whatsoever and that made him very sad. But alas, the movie continued with much bribery and countless hours of pointless cutscenes.

"Forgive me, your Majesty," the fox spoke up regretfully, feeling silly that he had succumbed to such easy persuasion. "My soul was weak and has an abnormally large soft spot for cheese."

"I gathered that somehow…" the Bitch muttered.

"Uh, I was talking to Edmund actually. Piss off!"

"WhaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA???" the Bitch turned to Edmund in shock. "You? YOU? I don't get it." She shrugged and removed the Spoon of Turning from her pocket, pointing it threateningly at the fox. "Where are the humans headed?"

"Well, their heads are going in one direction and their bodies are going in another. Haha…I made a joke!"

"That was the lamest joke I've ever heard! Now tell me or I'll eat your brains!"

"But won't you do that anyways?"

"Um…yes, but that's not the point!"

"You know what? I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

The Bitch narrowed her eyes. "Hey! Leave my parents out of this!" The fox responded by blowing a raspberry at her, which hit her in the eye and blinded it with raspberry juice. "Damn literalness!" the Bitch swore, dabbing at her eye with a safety pin. "These really aren't safe at all…" she thought to herself as she somehow managed to injure her eye even further. By this time, the fox was laughing and Edmund was picking his nose. The Bitch decided to turn on the fox first. "That's it! I've had it! I'm going to force you to watch Bobobo-bobo-bobo for your insulance!"

Edmund gasped. He wouldn't wish that on even his worst enemy…the GRAHAM CRACKER OF DEATH!! "No! I can't let you go through with that torture! The beaver said something about the Pewter Toilet, and Aslan flushing his army through it…or something!"

"Aslan is flushing an arm down the Pewter Toilet?" the Bitch repeated in disbelief.

"No, not an arm! An army! And yes, they are being flushed down the Pewter Toilet, you albino creampuff!"

"How DARE you!" the Bitch screeched.

The fox smacked himself in his already squashed face. "Dude, you like, weren't supposed to tell her that!"

Edmund blinked. "Yeah I was. How else would the battle take place?"

The Bitch smiled sickeningly. "Why thank you, Edmund, at least this…squashed marmoset—"

"Fox!" the fox corrected indignantly.

"This squashed FOX will see some honesty before he gets EATEN BY MANATEES!! Muahahahahaha!!"

"Oh poopie," the fox said, as his terrible fate was sealed.

"Whoops," Edmund gulped. The Bitch turned to her and began to beat Edmund senselessly. "What was that for?" Edmund cried as he clutched his bleeding gums.

The Bitch shrugged. "Think about whose side you're on, Edmund. Raw meat…" She pinched his chin and made him look down at the fox getting devoured by manatees. "Or that…thingy and stuff?"

"I thought manatees were friendly!" Edmund whined.

"Not in Narnia," the Bitch said, grinning maliciously.

"Okay, I'll have to give this some serious thought. I know whose side I'm on!"

"Not yet, stupid! Now, dear octopi, go on ahead and gather the other random bad guys. If it's a war Aslan wants…" she muttered, viciously stabbed a passing boulder with her Spoon of Turning, turning into spaghetti which she immediately slurped up, "…it's a war he shall get!"

A/N: Heh, the Python reference goes even further, considering my dad got me the Spamalot soundtrack for my birthday. We will try to update more often from now on. No, really, we will. Stop laughing, we mean it!