Ahaha, sorry for the late update. School has been hectic, and I've been loaded with all these tests and projects and homework, therefore pushing fanfiction farther and farther down the list of essentials. I'll rescue it and redeem its place at the top of the before it fades into oblivion, however.

Shizuo opened his eyes blearily as the door opened just a crack and shed a ray of light on the shadows of his room. There were approximately three heartbeats in the blissful cloud of the in-between of sleep and awake, before hunger assaulted him, drilling into the pit of his stomach.

He's used to the feeling of hunger; it was his constant companion, always swelling in his abdomen, hollowing out his insides constantly. It was the first thing he felt in the morning, the first one to greet him, and the last thing he felt at night, kicking and keeping him awake until the bright lights of dawn stung his eyes, or exhaustion closed his eyelids.

The blank eyes of his brother poked through, as if to check if it was safe and the monster had not awoken.

"Brother…?" Kasuka tried cautiously, taking a step inside the room that they shared. "Are you awake?"

Shizuo sat up, his hair disheveled and his eyes blurred with sleep. He rubbed his eyes with the heel of his palm as he noticed Kasuka, standing in the doorway. The younger boy took it as a good sign, and adventured closer to the bed where his older brother lay, looping around mounds of clothes as he went.

"Yeah." Shizuo mumbled, his stomach twisting and shrinking with the dull ache of hunger that he had grown accustomed to. He had successfully gone three days since his visit to his aunt's without unnecessary food, eating only the bare minimum to curb his yearning.

He hadn't realized just how much food he had been consuming just on whim, sweets and chips, eating just because he had nothing to do, eating because it was there, eating and eating and eating…

No wonder his cousin had pointed out a problem, and besides, with all the exercising he did, he'd soon be in shape. Then he could lose this… whatever it was. It wasn't a problem, and he wasn't going to let it go long enough to become a habit… just an experiment. Yes, that's what it was. Just something new that he was trying to see what happened. No big deal.

He had been sleeping late, so he could miss breakfast, and since his parents worked during the day on the weekend, he could lie and say he already ate lunch. They would believe him. He was an honest kid.

They trusted him, they never had a reason not to, and he was responsible enough to take care of himself. On school days, he would take a meager lunch, throwing most of it in the garbage, and if he had to cave in, he would eat an apple, ignoring the guilt he felt.

He couldn't avoid dinner, so he sat and had the smallest proportions of all of the necessities, and only one serving. His mother was one of strong convictions, firmly believing of family values and the importance of coming together at the end of the day to share a meal.

He was sure to drink water before and during his meal in order to feel and appear fuller, and he played all the classics of a kid trying to get out of eating his vegetables, up his sleeve, in the napkin, on the floor. He'd take the last mouthful of food and hide it in his mouth, then spit it out in the bathroom garbage.

He was already beginning to notice change occurring. When he inspected himself in the mirror, he could see a pale, gaunt face, but he tried not to dwell on it. He felt lighter, he appeared smaller, and no one had even begun to suspect a thing. So far so good.

He also enjoyed the small sense of control he felt when he choose what to eat and when and where and why and how. It made him feel in control, as small as it may be. He told himself, that because it was an issue so small that it wasn't even an issue yet, and it wouldn't be a problem, it would go unnoticed.

It would be his secret.

Kasuka clambered onto his bed, ungracefully floundering over the form of his older brother. He balanced on the edge of the bed, and Shizuo could feel gravity unsuccessfully trying to roll him towards the dip in the bed. Kasuka drew the blinds, both brothers squinting at the new addition of the light.

His younger brother hopped off his bed, and Shizuo's stomach groaned at the sudden movement. Kasuka crossed their room, not facing Shizuo as he spoke, choosing instead to rummage through his drawers.

"You missed breakfast again." The stoic boy informed him, gathering his clothes for the day at the crook of his arm, turning to face Shizuo as he advanced towards the door.

"I know." Shizuo muttered, rising from his bed and stumbling over to his dresser, hunger whining and complaining loudly as tugged open drawer of his own. He shifted his hand through his hair, not yet fully awake.

"Do you feel ill?" Kasuka's voice sounded from behind him, "You haven't been eating…"

Shizuo knew his brother well enough to hear the curious note in his tone and chose to ignore the query, alternating for tugging open a drawer to find a clean school uniform. He pulled his wrinkled T-shirt over his head, wincing inwardly as he remembered how he had been thinning, and how he had been trying to hide the evidence for as long as he could.

Cursing under his breath at his mistake, he hurried to button his shirt, hoping that his brother had been too preoccupied with to notice. The alarm he could feel sparking from his brother proving his theory incorrect.

"I'm fine." He told Kasuka, hoping that he sounded convincing despite the lie.

It did not prevent his brother from rushing to his side. Shizuo knew that Kasuka could see right through his unconvincing fib, but that did not prevent him from hurriedly trying to prove otherwise. He felt a gentle, hesitant finger lifted the bottom of his thin white shirt and prodded his lower back.

He shoved back the urge to recoil as the cold finger of his brother found his spine, rubbing a knobby disk. Shizuo winced as he stepped out of range, uncomfortable with Kasuka's scrutiny.

The boy opened his mouth to speak, but Shizuo cut him off. "It's nothing." He assured him, his head turning sideways to catch his brother in his view.

He gave a crooked grin and Kasuka shifted his gaze in response, not accepting his answer but not knowing enough to press the issue further. His brother left without a sound, closing the door softly behind him, and Shizuo heaved a sigh of relief that his secret was safe, for now.

He was soon out the door with his younger brother in tow, waving off his mother's cheery calls of "Have a good day you two!" and proceeded to the bus stop. Most kids had the privilege to walk to school, but Shizuo's apartment complex was on the farther side of the city, and no one dared offer a ride to him in fear of his rage, not knowing what would set him off.

Shizuo wasn't sure if he was old enough to drive, or have a learner's permit, because anywhere he wanted to go was within walking distance. He didn't want to get a car or license for other reasons being that he was slightly afraid of road rage taking over and getting him in trouble with people who have not heard enough of his fearsome strength to stay away.

He also did not want his parents to spend their hard-earned money on a car for him that he would surely destroy and then would have to face their ashamed glances. He also worried about and the frustration of being stuck in traffic and how much insurance would cover. Shizuo and a car was a disaster waiting to happen, so he put it off as long as he could.

"Brother." Kasuka caught his attention, breaking Shizuo out of his thoughts.

Shizuo faced him, granting him his full attention as they passed a bakery that Shizuo knew very well. He did not look inside. Taking his silence as a good thing, Kasuka continued in monotone.

"Why aren't you eating?" Kasuka asked, not looking interested in the subject to the slightest, but Shizuo knew his brother well enough to see the telltale signs of worry on his impassive face.

"I'm not hungry." Shizuo said curtly, leaving no room for argument or further discussion, he quickened his pace to be a step ahead of Kasuka, but the boy refused to let this go as he caught up to Shizuo, taking wide strides until their gait was matched step by step.

"Why?"

"Don't worry about it." Shizuo insisted, looking straight ahead, "It's nothing. Not a problem. What gave you that idea?"

"I didn't say anything."

Shizuo grimaced as he realized his mistake, and then there was that split second when he realized that everything was going downhill fast and he had two choices. Spill the beans, do some fast-talking to smooth things over, of lie outrageously until Kasuka either believed it, or knew better than to ask any more.

Evasive answers would do no harm, but he needed something with substance and his mind was going blank. Before he could speak, however, Kasuka interrupted his flow of thoughts with a pointed glare that told Shizuo that he had seen his blunder and would not believe a word he could say to cover himself up.

"Are you worried about being fat?" Kasuka asked in his dull voice, and Shizuo cringed at his bluntness.

"No, no. Of course not." Shizuo hurried to end the conversation, feeling a bit awkward at being interrogated by his younger brother, who sometimes seemed wiser than his years, and could read Shizuo better than he could read himself. "Why would you think that?"

"You said something about being flabby in the car ride the other day." Kasuka explained in his hushed tone. "You of all people do not need to worry over such petty things"

I know, I know Shizuo wanted to agree. He wanted to whine and tell his brother all of the things that had been bothering him, occupying all corners of his brain and every moment of every day for a long time now. Kasuka wouldn't understand. No one would. No one does. Because everyone else is normal, and he's not. They've all been included in some secret circle, and he is on the outside looking in.

They don't know what it's like to have nothing in their control, to feel so helpless in the spinning world around them as to grab onto the first and only oportunity that arises. They don't know what it's like to have such little control. No self control.

But now, Shizuo would have self control. He could control himself in other ways, if not through his strength. He wanted to let his brother know how he could not let this go even though it was all lies and he should know better but he doesn't, and he should not believe them but sometimes he thinks he does.

He knew it was a bad habit to get into, he knew it was a waste of his time and he shouldn't let his cousin's words get to him because it made no sense and they both knew it, but his cousin, who Shizuo continued to look up to had said it.

Shizuo's starting to wonder if it was true although he stubbornly tells himself it isn't, but he can't help but think that maybe his cousin was right and he could see things that Shizuo himself had been oblivious to.

"It's nothing." Shizuo muttered with hooded eyes as his brother continued to grill him. "Is this about what you were doing this morning?"

Shizuo could see Kasuka nod out of the corner of his eye. Shizuo opened his mouth to defend himself along with his pride, but his words dried up in his throat and his inspiration ran dry. His younger brother took no heed to his speechlessness, regarding him with the cool, level eyes that he should not possess.

"It's just skin."

The blonde wonders how Kasuka could see it as just skin, when he saw it as too much skin, which could possibly be something else, which he needed to eliminate as soon as possible. And if his skin was there, it would still be there after his fasting, just thinner, catching on hipbones and accenting muscles. He would be leaner, it would look better.

He would not be able to pinch inches of it between his forefinger and thumb. It was just a trim. It could do no harm. Especially not to someone as indestructible as him. He's been hit by cars and survived; he could go a few days with less food.

Kasuka ended their conversation as they neared the bus stop and entered earshot, brushing past him briskly without a passing glance. His words floated in the air around them as his soft tones reach Shizuo's ears, although he had to strain to catch them.

"Just don't do anything stupid, brother."

Oh, how he wished he could have followed his brother's words. Oh, how he wished he had not been so foolish, maybe then things would have been different. But in retrospect, the circumstances that have led him to where he stood were precarious and unique and he wouldn't change a thing if he had that chance.

Nothing at all.