A/N: iheartmwpp: Sigh. Getting your wisdom teeth out feels so loverly, doesn't it? Especially the days of pain and swelling coming after it! Yay happyfairies! Yeah, so I thought that the new Harry Potter videogame would keep me from staying too bored while I recover, but I'm already practically done with it! Yeesh. But…now I'm stuck. So if anyone has the PS2 version and knows what to do after you find all of Luna's belongings, that'd be great. And I could probably help anyone who has yet to get to that part if they have any questions. Yeah, so… Here's what you really wanted!

Disclaimer: We don't own anything from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Chapter 24: The Giant Popsicle Machine Is Not Even Half of It

Peter stared across the mountains and the ocean at a castle off in the distance. He could just barely make out the shape of it, but unless he was much mistaken, it looked an awful lot like a giant cow. He heard footsteps behind him, and looked to see Aslan coming up to stand beside him. "That is Cow Power, the castle of the four hooves. In which one of them you will be stomped, Peter, as High King."

"Well that sucks," Peter muttered as he stared at the ground, trying to take in this new bit of information about getting jumped on by a giant cow.

Aslan seemed to take Peter's silence as doubt rather than fear. "You doubt the prophecy?"

"Well, duh," said Peter quietly. He turned to the lion. "Aslan, I'm not what you think I am."

"You mean you're really a robot in disguise? You mean you've come to Narnia to take over the planet by gathering information on the life forms and species that coexist peacefully in this unified world???"

"Nnn…no."

"You mean you're actually a mermaid living in a giant fish tank that somehow resembles a human body?"

"Uh…no…"

"Are you saying that you're a werewolf and if it were a full moon right now, you'd dice me up into barbecue-able bits and munch on them until dawn and at least one of the fangirls would love you more than usual?" (iheartmwpp would be that fangirl of course).

"Actually, sir—"

"Are you saying that you are a mutant gopher who wants to chew the world out of existence? I knew those buck teeth were out of line!"

Peter self-consciously felt his teeth. They weren't that big, were they? He suddenly grew terrified. "No!! I mean that's—"

"Are you just telling me that you're Peter Pjetër, P.et.ros, Peio, Peder, Petr, Pieter, Peeter, Pietari, Pekka, Monkey Butt, Petri, Petteri, Pierre, Pathrus, Pétur, Peadar, Pietro, Piero, Petrus, Pēteris, Petras, Pathros, Pietru, Piotr, Piotrek, Pedro, Peer, Pethuru, Raayappar, Pedr Pevensie formerly of Gmtpkvqn?" (A/N: Raven: How do you like that language blast? That's how to say 'Peter' in over twenty languages! And just a little reminder, 'Gmtpkvqn' means Finchley in the language I created, Numenarkan. Hehehe…)

Peter gaped at Aslan. "That was completely unnecessary."

"Quite," Aslan agreed. "Oh, and Beaver also mentioned that you turned him into a watermelon with wings."

Peter laughed maniacally at the memory. Aslan waited for him to stop before continuing.

"Peter, there is a Deep Magic, more powerful than any of us, that rules over all of Narnia—"

"Wait, I thought that you were the ruler of Narnia."

"Well, not necessarily."

"So then, everything then that everyone has told us then up till now has been a lie, then?"

"You realize that you said 'then' way too many times in that last sentence?"

"Fully aware, thanks."

"Uh…huh…Anyway, the Deep Magic defines right from wrong, and governs all our destinies blah blah blah."

"So we have no choice whatsoever and no power over our own lives at all?"

"Nope."

"Ah. Well that just sucks, too."

"Yep. But now we have to focus on getting Edmund back so we can get on with the bloody story line."

Meanwhile, Edmund was having the time of his life hitting the puppy dog man on the head with his Whack-a-Mole mallet. He thought for a second that it made more sense for him to be getting whacked on the head instead of the puppy dog man, considering that he was the prisoner after all, but oh well. He was having fun, and that's all that mattered.

The puppy dog man seemed to be getting the worst out of the situation. "Oww!!" he moaned in his barking language. "Please stop! I have a wife and multiple children…beat them instead!!" But Edmund would not heed his pleas. He was enjoying himself thoroughly.

Suddenly, the Bitch walked by. She noticed the state of affairs going on and raised an eyebrow. Edmund paused in midair as he smiled sheepishly at the Bitch.

"What…is going on here?" she wondered aloud, completely stupefied.

Edmund continued smiling and demonstrated his actions by hitting the puppy dog man on the head again. The Bitch looked on curiously as Edmund finally offered her the mallet. With a gleeful shout, she rushed forward and whacked the puppy dog man to her heart's content. Edmund, seeing her distraction (especially since she called everyone over to cheer her on) managed to sneak out of the camp, making a rescue utterly pointless.

Although once he was out of the enemy's camp, the only transportation he could find was through hitchhiking on a family of moles. He shrugged as he climbed aboard.

"Onward ho!" he declared, proud of his intelligence. But then the moles began to burrow underground. Edmund's chest deflated. "Oh…bugger…"

Susan and Lucy were comparing dresses by the river. Lucy had just said that Susan looked nothing like Mum and that she was probably adopted.

"Mum hasn't had a dress like this since before the war," commented Susan, holding up a dress made entirely of sequins.

"We should bring her one back," suggested Lucy. "A whole teaspoonful!"

"If we ever get back."

"Oh, way to kill the happy mood."

"Well, sorry! Hey, we used to have fun together, didn't we?"

"Yes, before you got bulimic." Lucy started laughing.

"Oh really?" said Susan, laughing as well.

She bent down and started chucking rocks at her younger sister. A second later, they were both throwing boulders at each other, having a marvelous time.

Susan eventually began to get bored, so she went up to get a towel to wipe some of the blood off. As she ripped it down, Maugrim, who had been hiding behind it, growled at her. Both girls screamed.

"Please don't try to run," implored Maugrim. "We're tired—"

"And we prefer to kill you quickly," finished another octopus.

"And that's supposed to make us stay, how?" asked Lucy.

The octopi shrugged, because octopi can shrug.

Susan looked over to where the random props were, and saw her magical ukulele. She rushed over to where it was and played a quick tune. Instantly, a bottle of water appeared. Susan gulped it down thankfully.

Lucy was confused. "Wait, that didn't help our situation at all."

Susan nodded. "I know, but I was thirsty."

"But we need to find a way for Peter to come rescue us! That thing is supposed to call him down here or something! It's completely useless!"

"No it wasn't! My throat was absolutely parched!"

"Well, these guys are about to kill us!"

"Well, I really needed some water!"

"God, could someone just get Peter here already?" shouted the director, getting bored with the pointless argument. One of the runners quickly got up in search for the oldest child.

Once Peter heard what was going on, he immediately took up his sword and ran off to help his sisters. He drew his sword when he arrived at the scene. "It's pretty, look!" he cried, raising up a picture of a stick figure holding a twig that he had just drawn with a marker. Haha…PUN!!!

Maugrim laughed. "That drawing's pathetic, boy."

Peter rolled his eyes. "Everybody's a critic." He then held up his real sword and pointed it at Maugrim.

It was now the octopus's turn to roll his eyes. "We went over this in chapter 21. We both know you haven't got it in you."

As the second octopus tried to jump him, Aslan came seemingly out of nowhere and flattened him. The people following him tried to go after Maugrim. "No," commanded Aslan. "Stay your weapons. This is the part where Peter shows that he's a real man by killing a CG creature that isn't real."

"Oh," said the other not-real creatures as they sat back to watch the fun.

Maugrim laughed. "You think you're a king, but now you're gonna die by a frog!" He then started throwing frogs and toads at Peter.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'LL RUIN MY HAIR!! GET IT OFF!!!" squealed Peter, swatting at the frogs with his sword and sending them all into Maugrim's mouth, which he choked on and died.

"YAYNESS!" yelled the girls, jumping down from the tree and glomping Peter, although he was hardly a hero.

Aslan raised his paw, letting the crushed octopus go. "After him," he said to his army as the octopus dementedly tried to slither away. "He'll lead you to Edmund." The animals hurriedly raced off after the octopus, leaving the children and Aslan alone.

Peter knelt down before Aslan, who took his paw off Peter's shoulder, saying, "I think we should make this scene even cheesier by making you a knight, although it was purely coincidental that the dreaded captain octopus actually died. In fact, it was a miracle. Don't even know why that would be allowed to happen."

"Well, I'm rather sexy, sir."

"And that is supposed to explain it?" Aslan asked in a know-it-all tone.

Peter shrugged. "The fangirls seem to accept it easily enough."

"And these fangirls represent everyone?"

"Yeah. Course they do. See?" Peter pointed to the barrier behind them where a mob of fangirls was desperately trying to get passed a handful of buffed guards barely keeping them at bay. "Andrew Adamson had to cut out some serious character development sequences in order to hire those cops there. Otherwise, we'd probably be killed and trampled."

"Well, you would be. I'm not real though. I'm just a wooden statue-like thingy that kind of resembles a lion, although people seem to enjoy breaking pieces off me and licking them as if I'm a giant popsicle machine. Um…what are you doing?" Aslan glanced down to see Peter gnawing at his shoulder blade.

"Nothing."

"I just said I'm not a giant popsicle machine! Do you have ears???"

"I've got ears. Right there!" Peter replied indignantly, pointing to his nose. "Besides, how do you know you're not a giant popsicle machine?"

"Well, there's the slight fact that I'm MADE OF WOOD AND CG GRAPHICS!!"

"Mmm…tastes like cotton candy," Peter slurped, completely ignoring Aslan's previous comment.

Aslan attempted to bat him off and then surreptitiously licked his paw. "Eh gad! I do taste like a popsicle! That would explain all the people sneaking into my tent…all the time…" He cleared his throat gruffly. "Well, let's get on with the scene, shall we? Rise, Sir Peter Octopus-Bane, Knight of Narnia." Peter smiled at his sisters, then at Aslan. Then he attempted to sheathe his sword, but accidentally cut off his leg instead. Aslan rolled his eyes.

A/N: Raven: Wow, way for me to add lots of randomness. Hope you enjoyed it! This is basically what results from me having a major sugar fix plus chocolate and iheartmwpp's reliance on vicadin and happy steroids.. Haha…I even forgot to put my car in park when I got home. I just took the key out of the ignition. So, if I had not realized that and turned on the car, it would have gone forward through my garage. Ah, nice, eh?