A/N: OMG, the fifth Harry Potter movie came out today and we're going to see it!!!! We spent the entire day dressing up as various characters. Raven does a very impressive Trelawney, and I passed for Sirius Black. Anyone else going to a midnight party for the last book? I know I am if I can. I'm probably gonna cosplay as Remus Lupin.

Disclaimer: We don't own anything from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, The Lord of the Rings, or Eragon.

Chapter 25: Saving and Beating Edmund

At the Bitch's campsite, there was a lot of action going on. The bad guys were preparing for battle in a style very akin to the first two Lord of the Rings movies, except they weren't cutting down trees that were actually Ents that were actually trees. In fact, one might go so far as to think that this was all a carbon copy of one of the Lord of the Rings movies. Oh wait, that's Eragon. Never mind. Moving on…

As everyone else was preparing for the battle, the Bitch was in deep discussion with her head general, a man with the head of a cow, tail of a chicken, legs of an ostrich and arms of a fish (a.k.a. fins). Thus, the man was a Cochickostish. Try saying that five times fast. Basically, he was a freak. They were talking about what they were going to do with the field the battle was going to take place in once they won said battle.

"I'd build a vineyard here," suggested the dude…person…thing…

"Uh-huh," agreed the Bitch.

"Vineyard there."

"Okay."

"I thought we'd build a Jacuzzi over here."

Back in the camp, the remaining octopus from last chapter psychotically ran as fast as its tentacles could carry it away from impending doom. Every bad guy hastily got up, but they were no match for the water balloons that were suddenly thrown in their faces as the Narnian army rushed passed.

The Cochickostish looked around, saying "The prisoner!" as if he was actually aware of what was going on.

The Bitch rolled her eyes. "What, did you think they were after the whiskey or something?" She paused and then screamed, "NOT THE RUM!! I need that to remain sane!" She then ordered the Cochickostish to gut himself so she could eat his innards. He refused and went to Canada to escape her perilous reign. Why Canada, you ask? Well, the Cochickostish is very fond of snow and maple syrup. Who isn't?

Being in Canada on the planet Earth provided a unique opportunity for nature watchers. One such person was mightily interested in such a freak of a being. He tracked the Cochickostish until he found it kicking around a ball of snow. He leaned down and looked at the camera.

"That you see there is a rare being, here found in its natural habitat. The Cochickostish is not a very common animal, and is quite shy. To be caught like this is rather remarkable. A sighting of a lifetime, if you take my meaning. Now, the Cochickostish is famous for its strange mating call that attracts not only its own species, but also flocks of rabid human beings, who, once in contact with this beautiful creature, usually get eaten in strange and nasty ways. You see, the Cochickostish is far from being docile. In fact, it can get rather aggressive once near its prey. It is said that eating human flesh is one of the Cochickostish's favorite pastimes. Although some would think this makes this creature highly dangerous, most of the time no rabid human beings are in the vicinity of these dazzling animals, so there is no need to worry. I am very pleased to be able to witness such a—" The nature watcher broke off as the Cochickostish raised its head and uttered a low rumble in its chest that then built up to be a high-pitched siren-like call. The nature watcher's eyes widened as froth bubbled out of his mouth. The last anyone saw of him was his very own camera recording as the Cochickostish galloped away with the unconscious man under his arm.

Of course, that was happening millions of miles away. Back in Narnia, Edmund's saviors had come so gallantly to whisk him away, but instead found him nowhere to be seen. They cursed, and swore, and threw things and had a tea party, but to no avail. Edmund was gone. During their tea party though, an odd thing happened. While they sipped delicately from ornate porcelain cups, a giant hole appeared in the ground in which popped out a head, and then a body of a very dirty human. Edmund waved back to his mole friends as he looked around and finally realized that he had made it exactly ten feet since his previous scene. He wondered at this as Oreius grabbed him and made as if to go back to Peter and the others, but his friends stopped him. They left after the very last drop of tea was gone.

The Bitch and the Cochickostish (who returned after a quick snack) quickly came to the scene, where they found the one-eared puppy-man passed out cold from too many whacks on the head with the whack-a-mole mallet. Edmund was nowhere to be found, as no one had even noticed he was missing after they finished the game. The Bitch slapped herself.

"Curse you Bob Saget!"

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Peter was just waking up. He stretched and walked out his tent, passing Oreius on the way. The centaur stared at him and nodded back in the direction he just came from. Peter smiled and continued walking. Oreius caught up to him and forced Peter to look at him. He jerked with his head again, but Peter still didn't understand.

"You having neck spasms, eh, Oreius?"

Oreius rolled his eyes and motioned again, but Peter remained oblivious. Finally, Oreius grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and physically turned Peter to see.

"What? It's not like there's anything I haven't seen yet, except a vampire wearing makeup. Oh look! A vampire wearing makeup! What a silly coinkidink!"

"Okay, where are Aslan and Edmund?" Oreius demanded to the staff.

"They're over there!" One man pointed and Oreius nodded in satisfaction before walking off.

Peter stared and then cringed. "Ouch. That's gotta hurt."

What he was seeing was a very pissed Aslan (who was not a morning lion whatsoever) beating up a very muddy Edmund (who was a morning person, coincidentally, although that's not relevant at all). Aslan was being very creative in his punches and kicks and general maniac growling and scratching, so much so that Peter almost wondered if he should interfere. He turned around to see his sisters emerging from their tent. They followed his gaze and their faces lit up at seeing their brother getting a beating they had only dreamed about.

"Go for the groin!" Lucy cried as Aslan finished with a lovely knee in Edmund's crotch. Edmund turned to his siblings as his knees buckled and he landed on the ground. Why had he wanted to get rescued? Oh yeah, he hadn't. The moles had been more of a family than his real siblings!

Aslan pretended to go off stage as Edmund lurched to his feet and was about to walk down to his siblings when Aslan nonchalantly reappeared and nudged him down the hill. Edmund rolled down the grassy embankment, getting pierced by numerous jagged rocks, before stopping right before the smiling Pevensies. He got to his feet and glared at them.

"What's done is done," Aslan concluded behind them, "There is no need to speak to Edmund about what is past," he advised. Peter, Susan and Lucy nodded as the lion finally headed off to his dressing room.

"I hate you," Edmund muttered at his brother and sisters. There was an awkward silence. Lucy was the first to react, pouncing on Edmund like a wild beast. Susan went and slapped his arm as Peter stood off in the background, enjoying the show. Susan then tackled him to the ground as Peter laughed hysterically. When at last they separated, Susan spoke up.

"Are you all right?"

Edmund stared at them incredulously. "I just got beat up by a puppet lion and two girls. How do you think I'm feeling?????"

"Happified?" Lucy suggested.

"Well it doesn't exactly tickle!!" Edmund screeched angrily.

"I am going to have horrible gas in a moment," Peter said. The others turned to him questioningly. "What? My bowels really get going during such emotional scenes!"

"I'm going to sleep," Edmund grumbled, disgusted. He started to walk away when Peter stopped him.

"And Edmund?"

Edmund glared at him.

"Try not to get involved in any other evil societies that threaten to take over the world, okay?"

"Like you would know if I did," Edmund spat darkly.

"What'd you say?"

"Nothing."