A/N: This is probably the most stupid and random chapter we have written thus far. And that's saying something.

Disclaimer: We don't own the Chronicles of Narnia, Aladdin, Lord of the Rings, Dragonlance, Harry Potter, Naruto, Charlie Brown, or way too many other things we stole…Stealing is bad, unless for good reasons…hahahah…Oh, and there are a couple of spoilers for the seventh Harry Potter book, just FYI…

Chapter 32: The Return of the Plot

Ten thousand years…can give you such a crick in the neck! And much that once was, was lost. For none now live who remember…

THE PLOT!!!!!!!!! GASP!!!!!

The songs had finally ceased. The sane folk remaining in Narnia could finally remove their earplugs and wipe off the blood. After many grueling hours of horrid singing, at last there was peace….

…until the movie resumed and the director was finally released from the nearest asylum (located near you for direct and easy service).

The actors were peeled off the floor they had been glued to for centuries for some odd reason, and the puppet Aslan was revamped to look like a flying potato. A flying potato with lion-ish tendencies, that is. He still licked himself, and he still roared like a little kitty-cat, but he had turned into a spud that many found awkward to call God.

Anyway, Lucy was the first one to notice Aslan's deep depression.

After centuries of partying, she suddenly glanced up one day and found that she had turned into a mermaid. She freaked out for several hours before realizing that she had only been sleeping beside a fish. Yes, a fish. The smell of fish still prompted cats to her tent, so it was obvious that potatoes that used to be cats would be attracted to it. She heard him snuffling outside and went out to see him, crying spud-like tears as he hobbled solemnly back to his tent, unable to fulfill his feline passions.

What on earth did that paragraph mean? Lucy wondered. She had no idea.

Skipping pointless time emerged into a night scene. Torches burned all around them because electricity had not been invented yet. Inside her tent, Lucy was getting bitten by all kinds of bed bugs, keeping her awake. Apparently, they too were attracted to dead fish.

Susan inhaled deeply and choked as she sucked flies down her throat. She sat up, hacking, as Lucy went bolt upright, staring past her purple-faced sister to a shadow flitting across the side of the tent.

"Susan!"

"Lucy, what the heck do you want? Why do you keep sleeping with dead fish under your mattress?" Susan complained, coughing bitterly.

Lucy pouted. "Their sweet aromas help me fall asleep."

"Then why aren't you asleep right now?"

"Because the boogey man's right outside our tent!" Lucy screamed, pointing anxiously at the shadow. Reaching into her pocket, she removed a flame thrower and set the tent on fire trying to kill the shadow.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??" Susan demanded, her eyebrows singed off and her hair smoking.

Lucy smiled proudly. "I killed the boogey man! I'm a hero! BOW DOWN TO ME!!"

"Um, no thank you."

"BOW!!"

"Bow-wow?" Susan ventured.

"I am not a dog! I'm a dwarf! Remember the earlier chapters?" Lucy pointed out.

"Oh God, please don't remind me," Susan moaned.

"Speaking of God, there he is!" Lucy cried suddenly, pointing to the darkened features of Aslan slinking off into the night. "Wonder where he's going?"

"We should stalk him," Susan immediately suggested. Lucy readily agreed.

They took off after Aslan, amazed he hadn't seen their tent that was now a raging inferno, a fireball threatening to engulf the entire camp. No one else noticed either.

"What, fireball?" said Fizban, as he entered the parody for no reason.

"No, no, Fizban. Let's go back to Tanis now!" Tas pleaded, leading the old wizard back into the time warp.

They popped back later to retrieve the old man's hat, which he had accidentally left behind.

Moving on.

The sisters were pursuing Aslan being very quiet, blasting some trumpets they found on the ground, snapping branches with their teeth, stomping up and down to create earthquakes and otherwise being as hushed as was humanly possible. Thus, it was no surprise that Aslan realized they were following him.

"Shouldn't you both be NOT FOLLOWING ME???" he exclaimed as the girls attempted to silence themselves further by repeatedly jumping up and down on weasels, making them squeal quite loudly.

Lucy came out of hiding first. "How did you know we were there?" she asked, shocked.

"I'm still God despite the fact that I am now a vegetable. And I also have a brain somewhere inside. I'm not quite sure of my own anatomy at the moment."

"That's disgusting."

"So why the hell are you following me?"

Susan tried to come up with an excuse. "We…wanted to munch on the night fungus. Out in the forest. Of course."

"Yeah…sure…Who eats nowadays? I remember when I was a cub—"

"Potato," Lucy corrected snidely.

"Uh, no. I was a lion before this!"

"You were only a puppet though," Susan said.

"Oh…shut up," Aslan muttered darkly.

"Please, Aslan," continued Susan, "couldn't we come with you?"

"Why would I want you to come with me? I hate you."

"Because we'd just continue stalking you anyway if you don't," Lucy pointed out. "Oh, and we'd also make really bad jokes if you don't allow us to come."

"They can't be that bad," Aslan insisted skeptically.

Susan exchanged glances with her sister. "Oh, you don't know what bad means," she said threateningly.

Lucy smiled evilly. "Here's a little taste for you: What did one plate say to the other?"

Aslan shrugged helplessly. He wasn't the greatest at jokes (kind of like Raven Wolfmoon. No lie).

"Lunch is on me!" Lucy laughed maniacally.

Aslan instantly felt pain in his stomach and keeled over, gasping as it subsided. "Those jokes…they're…too…powerful!" he wheezed.

"We know," the sisters said in deadly unison.

"That's why we'll use them only when necessary or if we're provoked. Or if we just want to torture people," Lucy explained.

"So can we come with you now?" Susan asked sweetly.

Aslan shuddered.

"Fine. I guess I would like the company for awhile," he strained.

As they walked through the woods, Lucy hesitantly reached out and stroked the potato's mane. It felt surprisingly soft for hair that was growing on a vegetable, so Lucy and Susan stroked the fur for the entire walk.

Aslan suddenly stopped, wincing. "It is time. From here, I must go on alone," he said fearfully.

Susan stepped forward, her eyes flashing dangerously. "But Aslan—"

"I can't! It's the script! Please don't hurt me!"

Lucy rolled her eyes. "We'll be nice. This time only!"

Aslan sucked in a scared breath, rather preferring his soon-to-be torture at the hands of the Bitch than these two cursed Pevensies.

And with that he flew off farther into the woods.

Susan and Lucy had only let him off the hook because they knew they could just sneak up and see what was happening anyway. So, that's what they did. Hence that being what they were doing.

They were shocked to see what looked like a very lively drunken party, filled with all manner of bizarre creatures that the Bitch had invited. There were hundreds of octopi, a rather large amount of Cochickostishes, a very great number of giant puppy-dog men, a shockingly beautiful woman ("So that's where Peter's girlfriend went," whispered Susan), several ugly froggy thingies as seen in chapter nineteen, and some random werewolves, all gathered around the Pewter Toilet of DOOM.

"How the hell did I get here?" asked Remus Lupin, somehow still able to talk despite the fact that he had transformed into the crappy wolf form thing from the Prisoner of Azkaban movie.

Suddenly, there was a piercing shriek that floated over the trees. Everyone jumped up in alarm, for it sounded like a very loud "Squee!" However, when no fangirls jumped out from behind the trees, they relaxed and continued binge drinking. None of them could've known that, thousands of miles away in an American town no one cares about, Raven Wolfmoon was trying desperately hard to hold back iheartmwpp from suddenly trying to go to New Zealand for no reason other than to glomp a fictional character.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Vivian from Blood and Chocolate was leering at Remus. "Is that supposed to be your werewolf form?" she asked scathingly.

"Yeah, that looks nothing like a wolf at all, you don't even have any fur!" said Kern from Wolf Moon.

"And what's with the no-tail thing?" wondered some random Scooby-Doo villain dressed as a werewolf.

"Michael Jackson looks more like a wolf than you do!" laughed the random guy who turned into a werewolf in that random episode of Doctor Who.

Remus sniffed. "That hurt! And we're saying the word 'random' a lot."

"Yeah, it's pretty random."

"Did someone say my name?" asked Michael Jackson, appearing in a cloud of purple haze in his own very special werewolf form.

The Bitch screamed. "WILL YOU GET OUT OF THE PARODY ALREADY?!"

"No!" Michael Jackson whined. "I don't wanna get out!"

"You better!" the Bitch warned, her eyes popping out of her stomach. She then proceeded to zap him with a tazer. Where she got the tazer is something no one really knows. Perhaps it descended from the hovering hovercraft of chocolate pies and other assorted goodies.

Meanwhile, Michael Jackson was dripping, revealing a simple rubber costume over Orochimaru from the popular Anime show, Naruto, which is exclusively viewed by the authors of this parody because they have no lives.

"Oh, brownie batter," he muttered.

"What, chocolate?" piped up Remus, scanning the crowd anxiously.

The Pevensie sisters watching the scene turned to one another in abject horror. What had started as a simple werewolf joke (considering iheartmwpp's rather large fetish) had turned into something where lots of things were stolen and added to the parody. They weren't even original ideas by the authors. Why? Why did this happen?

Lucy huffed. "It's probably because Raven wasn't there that this happened!" she accused angrily. (iheartmwpp: And WHO exactly is the one who wrote this bit?!)

"Yeah, no one likes iheartmwpp," Susan added contemptuously. (iheartmwpp: Ur a meanie-face!)

"Why do the authors get so much screen time in this chapter?" asked Remus, approaching the girls in his human form now.

"Uh…you're naked," Lucy pointed out.

"Oh. Uhh…"

There was an even louder "Squee!" heard in the distance, added later with a "D'oh!" as Raven's desperate restraints crumbled around iheartmwpp's madness. She cried out as iheartmwpp crashed through the jungle, swam the seven seas, and washed up onshore only to realize that all of this was pure fantasy and thus was only in her head. iheartmwpp swore angrily.

"Why is this chapter called 'Return of the Plot' when they are even more stupid things happening that don't pertain to the movie at all?" Susan wondered vaguely.

"Because this is my least favorite part in the movie," Raven replied.

"Ah."

"But now, let us return to…the PLOT!!" yelled Raven triumphantly, screeching a battle cry.

"But...but I want my Remmy-kins!" squeed iheartmwpp.

"No," said Raven patiently. "No Remmy-kins for you."

"But…why not?!"

Raven sighed. "Do you want to go back in the box?"

The older author shuddered. "Please don't send me back there…"

Everyone who wasn't supposed to be there had gone. Even the werewolves had left (Raven is now consoling iheartmwpp). But all the readers can agree that it was for the best, for now no more disclaimers apply.

"Why did Aslan go to a drunken party without us?" Lucy pouted as she and Susan watched a midget in a lion-colored suit walking through the partying creatures. They all scurried to get out of his way.

"Here I come. I am Aslan. Fear me!" said this Aslan wannabe.

"Uh, you're not Aslan," said Remus, always the voice of reason. "You're just a midget in a lion-colored suit pretending to be Aslan."

"Hey! I thought you left with the others!" yelled the midget.

Remus shrugged. "iheartmwpp has authoress powers too, you know."

"That's true I guess."

"Besides, it's not my fault that she has an unhealthy obsession with werewolves!"

"Yeah…okay," the midget muttered.

The Bitch cleared her throat. "Um, pardon me for interrupting, but WHERE THE HECK IS THE REAL ASLAN??? WE'RE KIND OF HERE FOR A REASON!!"

"Really?" Remus looked up, hope dawning on his face.

"Well, not you."

"Oh." Remus's face was downcast.

The Bitch waved her hand dismissively. "Go back to your own world now and…oh I don't know…play with your son or something." There was a scream as the Bitch was suddenly pelted with bricks from numerous Harry Potter fans.

"NOOO!! SPOILERS!!" the Harry Potter fans shouted.

"AHHH!!" the Bitch responded in kind as she fell down and got a boo-boo. Her lower lip protruded and began quivering. "WHERE IS ASLAN??" she whimpered pathetically, close to throwing a tantrum because the authors were writing a completely ridiculous chapter.

The midget pointed. "Over there."

"…That's a potato."

"A flying potato."

There was silence for a moment. Finally, the Bitch sighed. "Oh just get on with it!"

She inhaled a mighty breath and then climbed up onto the rim of the toilet. She was adorned in a lovely dress made of slats of bark, which gave her some difficulty as she ascended. At the top, she leered down at the crowd, particularly Aslan.

"Behold, the Great Potato," she mocked. The drunken creatures swayed and laughed.

"Isn't it supposed to be the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown?" Linus wondered.

"No! GET OUT!"

Linus ran away.

The Bitch sighed heavily. "It was almost normal for a second…." She puffed up her chest. "NOW THEN!" she boomed. She nodded to one of the Cochickostiches who knocked Aslan onto his side. He almost began to roll away before the other creatures caught him.

"Bind him!" the Bitch commanded. The creatures had some problems trying to bind Aslan with twine, seeing as he didn't have legs. He was a potato, after all. They finally settled with tying his feebly wings together. He roared in discomfort.

And then the Bitch suggested the most horrible thing to be done to a potato.

"Wait. First, peel him!"

The creatures set about, carving off his outer skin. Aslan grunted; it wasn't a very pleasant feeling.

Meanwhile, the Pevensies kept looking at each other, wondering if their favorite God was about to be made into a stew of some sort (and if they could try some).

When Aslan was done being peeled, the Bitch ushered for him to be brought forth. Two Cochickostishes came forward and dragged Aslan up the toilet side. There was lots of random noise as the creatures belted out their disdain. There was even heard a moo from the crowd. It turned out to be a very frightened bunny rabbit. It all climaxed to a deafening clamor, then abruptly quieted. It started again a moment later as two gorillas began beating their chests, signaling the crowd to commence chanting.

"Flush the spud!

Spill its juice!

Cut it into strips and then fry them to make potato chips!"

(Raven: Or crisps in Europe and all. iheartmwpp: You are back in America, you know. Raven: Yeah, I know. iheartmwpp: Uh…huh…)

The Bitch leaned forward over Aslan. "You know, Aslan, I'm a little disappointed in you," she whispered. "Did you honestly think by all this you could save the human traitor?"

"Hmm? Who?" Aslan spoke up, confused.

"Edmund of course!" the Bitch snapped.

"Edmund? Why would I want to save him?"

"I don't know! Why on earth did you come here for, then?" the Bitch demanded, astonished. "You're just going to sacrifice yourself for nothing?"

"Well, no…I thought there'd be candy. You did promise me candy back when we were playing ping-pong."

"I did?"

"Yup."

"Oh. Well, I lied."

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!! I DON'T WANNA DIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

"So much for being dignified," Susan muttered wryly, hearing Aslan's cry from her distance.

"Yeah, what a wimp!" Lucy agreed.

"You are giving me your life and saving no one!" the Bitch taunted, not believing her good fortune. She laughed. "So much for sugar!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"Tonight!" the Bitch announced loudly, "the Deep-Fried Magic will be appeased!" The crowd cheered. "And tomorrow will be a little more hectic, what with taking Narnia foreveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Her voice echoed on for years. She leered down at Aslan. "In that knowledge, despair and…DIE!" She pushed Aslan off the edge into the water and pulled the lever, flushing him down into the abyss.

Lucy and Susan simultaneously gasped then fell into one another, crying.

"He…would've made such a good…potato pie!" Lucy sobbed.

"Such a waste of starch and cholesterol!" Susan moaned.

As they wept, the Bitch's eyes sucked in her pupils until there was nothing but blackness. She kneeled down in triumph. "The Great Potato is DEAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDD!!!" The crowd cheered mightily and slowly dispersed to prepare for the upcoming battle.

Remus finally left for his own dimension, once he finally realized that no one was going to give him any chocolate.

After they had left, the sisters trudged up to the toilet and stared down into it forlornly. Lucy's tears dripped into the foul water as she had a sudden burst of inspiration. She removed her flask Father Christmas had given her and poured the entire contents down the toilet.

"Lucy, what are you doing?? It's too late! He's gone," Susan glared at her sister. "And now your potion's gone AGAIN. Edmund's really screwed for later in the movie!"

"Who cares?" Lucy interrupted savagely. "No one likes Edmund anyways. Even Aslan hated him. But now Aslan's in toilet heaven."

"I thought we were in heaven right now. That's what Narnia is."

Lucy shrugged. "I don't know. I'm only eight years old."

Then, for some odd reason, some mice came charging up the toilet and plummeted into the water.

"What was that for?" Susan wondered.

Lucy shrugged again. A few moments passed before Susan spoke up again.

"We have to tell the others. They wanted him for food, too."

"But we can't just leave him!" Lucy protested.

"It's not like he's actually here! He was kind of flushed down the toilet!" Susan pointed out.

"So?" Lucy challenged.

Susan rolled her eyes. "Fine. But there's no time. They need to know about this. But how…?"

Lucy turned to her ominously. "The trees," she stated.

"What about them?"

"They're green."

"Oh, they are, look at that."