A/N: Oh, we forgot to mention that Raven's back.

Raven: Hi, everyone! I'm back! So Europe was so much fun and—

iheartmwpp: Shut up. No one cares.

Raven: Well, I went and read the chapters you wrote when I was gone…

iheartmwpp: Oh yeah, did you see where I cried for you?

Raven: Yep. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I laugh at you. Ha HAAAAAAAA!

iheartmwpp: (cries again) Ur mean! (Writes Raven's name in her Death Note) Raven Wolfmoon…has seizure from watching too much InuYasha…3:10…

Raven: (doesn't watch the Death Note anime and therefore doesn't understand anything) But I'm confused. Wasn't the last chapter supposed to be the return of the plot?

iheartmwpp: Uh…yeah! That's why it was called "Return of the Plot"!

Raven: I'm not that dumb! (Crickets feast on monkeys) I'm just saying that doesn't make sense compared to that last chapter.

iheartmwpp: Does anything ever make sense in this story?

Raven: Well, no…

Chapitre 33: Pins and Needles and Dentures, Oh My!

Peter was sleeping soundly when suddenly, a flying radish landed on his cheek. He mumbled and then slapped himself, hard, to get rid of the annoying buzzing sound.

"Ow!" He jolted awake and looked around blearily. What had woken him up? He had been having a lovely dream about playing with kittens and puppies and careening wagons of FIRE AND BRIMSTONE THAT WERE SMOKING LIKE HELL!!! He had been chillin' with Satan too. Apparently, he enjoyed kittens almost as much as Peter did.

"Peter!" cried Edmund.

Peter started and glanced at his brother, who was eyeing him strangely.

"Why are you sucking your thumb?" Edmund asked, aghast.

"Uh…" was Peter's intelligent response. "…Your mom!"

"She's my mom too, you know," Edmund pointed out.

"Shut up. No one likes you."

Edmund rolled his eyes.

All of a sudden, a giant cactus walked through the front door.

"Holy crap!" Peter yelled, fumbling for his sword.

Edmund's eyes were wide. "I knew this day would come. Prepare for the invasion of the cacti!"

"Um, what?"

"AHHHHH!" Edmund proceeded to ram into the cactus in an effort to tackle it. Of course, he hadn't realized that cacti have needles. If he had known that, he probably wouldn't have run into it.

Seeing as this was Narnia, and no one actually had any brain cells, Edmund pretty much got shish-kabobbed. Had there been a fire underneath him, he would've been pretty tasty too.

Peter for one was rather disappointed.

"Blarg, where the hell are my dentures?" the cactus wondered vaguely.

"That stung a little," Edmund commented idly, stuck to the cactus since the needles were pinning him down, quite literally.

"PUN!" Peter declared.

"Be still, my princesses," the cactus interrupted, albeit a little belatedly considering Edmund had already made his move.

"WHOA! The cactus can talk!" Peter exclaimed, jumping back in surprise and astonishment. He had forgotten that it spoke before.

"I bring grave news from your sisters," the cactus interrupted.

"We have sisters?" Peter wondered incredulously.

"No shit," the cactus responded, deadpan.

"Wait…did you just call us 'princesses'?" Edmund demanded from his position on the cactus's body.

"No."

"Oh, okay then."

"Wait a second!" Peter spoke up angrily. "How on earth can the cactus speak if it doesn't have its dentures?"

"Oh my god! You're right! It must be a clone!" Edmund added, stunned.

The cactus rolled its eyes. "You ladies are idiots."

"Hey, I'm not a girl!" Peter whined, like a girl.

"And, well, I'm…" Edmund stammered, "…I'm…Edmund!"

The cactus just wanted to leave. It cleared its throat loudly.

"I BRING GRAVE NEWS FROM YOUR SISTERS!!" it bellowed.

"Grave news? Does that mean they're finally dead?" Peter asked.

"NO!" the cactus yelled.

"Can I go home?" Edmund complained.

"NO!"

"Do you want a cookie?"

"YES!"

"Here."

"Thank you. Now where was I? Oh yeah. Aslan's dead, the whole world's about to collapse and everyone is pretty much going to die because now you two are our leaders."

"Oh. Well…fuck," Peter muttered.

"Well, see you later," the cactus said jovially, peeling Edmund off its body.

Edmund swayed on his feet. "I feel a strange sense of blood loss coming on…" he mumbled thickly. Edmund then proceeded to faint due to his many puncture wounds.

Peter stared at him and then shrugged. He left the tent quickly to check that Aslan was truly gone.

He entered Aslan's domain, noting many hairballs lying around the giant ping-pong tables.

Peter scrunched up his nose in disgust. "Ewww!"

"Blarg! Have you seen my dentures?" came a voice.

Peter jumped and looked around anxiously. "Who said that?"

"Me, the tent."

"You can talk too?"

"Everything can talk in Narnia," the tent explained. "Even us inanimate objects!"

"But it can also talk without its dentures…" Peter thought to himself. A ghastly thought formed in his mind. "Oh no! The tent must be a clone too!"

He pounced at the fabric, ripping down the rigging. A pole smashed over his head and gave him severe brain damage, but he hardly noticed.

An hour later, Oreius had to physically extract Peter from the folds of the tent. He threw the Pevensie off to one side before crouching down before the dying tent.

"…avenge…me…" the tent gasped, breathing its last breath, because tents can breathe.

Oreius howled in despair.

"NOOOOOO!" he sobbed. "He was my best friend…besides everyone else."

It was a sad day in Narnia as this terrible news spread. Aslan's tent was dead. They had lost a valuable companion, and now it was hard for many to keep living.

"I feel like dying," Peter moaned.

"But Peter, you can't! You have to lead us now!"

"Why?"

"Because Aslan's dead."

"Oh yeah. I forgot. Hold on—I thought you had major blood loss."

"I did. But after digesting porcupine livers, even the most blood-drained person can walk around like they're alive."

"So, you're not really alive?"

"No, I am. But Peter, you've got to realize that there's a whole arm out there, ready to stalk you by creeping along on its fingertips!"

"That's kind of gross. I can't! I don't want dismembered limbs following me!"

"Aslan believed you would. And…so do I."

"Are you coming onto me?" Peter shrieked girlishly.

"Oh, I don't know…" Edmund responded flirtatiously, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Cue screaming yaoi/incest fangirls. (Raven: (shudders) iheartmwpp: (is one of the screaming fangirls) Raven: That's just not right. iheartmwpp (likes parentheses) Raven: (slaps herself))

Oreius approached the two Pevensie brothers.

"The Bitch's army is belching, sire. Their gases will contaminate our porcupine livers," he reported.

"Oh no! How will I live now?" Edmund whimpered.

"Your orders?" Oreius continued.

Peter thought for a moment.

"I'll have a Big Mac, some fries, and a coke. Oh, and throw in a sundae, will ya?"

"Is that it, sire?"

"Hmm? Oh, no, I think I'll have peanuts on the sundae too."

"Can I get something too?" Edmund whined.

Peter nodded.

"Alright then, I'll have YOUR BRAINS!" Edmund leaped for Oreius, but the centaur casually stepped out of the way. Edmund, instead of feasting on lovely brains, gulped down a family of rocks who screamed in protest.

Edmund groaned. "Oh crap, I just gained twenty pounds!"

"Fatty!" Peter laughed.

"Um, the battle music just started playing…" Oreius pointed out. "Shouldn't we do something to prepare for it?"

"Nah." Peter waved his hand dismissively. "Let's go glomp the Pope!"

"Yippee!" Edmund and Oreius shouted in unison.

And they did just that.

"WTF??" said the Pope. "I darn you all to heck!"

A/N: Wow…we actually updated kind of quickly compared to before…whoop di do.