A/N: iheartmwpp: This story is becoming more random than most of our other stories combinededededededed.

Raven: Are you kidding me? Have you even read Blarg or Major Yugioh Bashing recently?

iheartmwpp: Well, you know, I often slurp cyanide.

Raven: Oooo, what does it taste like?

iheartmwpp: It often tastes like cyanide.

Raven: Really? Wait, when does it not taste like cyanide?

iheartmwpp: When a dinosaur teleports into my brain and invents the telephone.

Raven: Okay, that makes sense.

Disclaimer: We do not own The Chronicles of Narnia, The Lord of the Rings, Volkswagen Beetles (sadly), QVC, Kyou Kara Maou, Yugioh Abridged, Yu Yu Hakusho Abridged, Chuck E' Cheeses, or shaving cream. Although we do own the lines we used in our A/N, which come from the aforementioned stories. Yes, we need professional help.

Chapter 35: Stuff Happens...Yeah...That's About It...

The birds were chirping…OMINOUSLY!

Susan and Lucy were ignoring them as they shaved off their beards.

"Man, I looked worse than Aragorn for a bit! Such stubble!" Lucy commented, lathering her face with shaving cream.

"Mmm…Aragorn," Susan drooled.

"Hey, no more Lord of the Ring's references!"

"That still only counts as one!" Susan retorted fiercely.

"Susan, shut up. You smell like Germany!"

Susan was confused. "Don't you mean 'germy'?"

"No."

"So then you're referring to the country?"

Lucy's face was deadpan. "No. I'm referring to the bug crawling up your arm."

Susan scoffed and then screamed. True enough, there were tiny Volkswagen Beetles driving up her arms.

"AHHHHHH!!!" Susan yelled.

Lucy sighed. "Well that was completely pointless. No relevancy to the plot whatsoever."

Suddenly, the wind howled…OMINOUSLY!

"Okay, enough with the 'ominously'!" cried iheartmwpp.

"You're no fun at all," whined Raven.

Susan and Lucy whirled around to see the massive Pewter Toilet EXPLODING! Cracks ran down the side, and water spewed out of it like a fountain. And who could erupt from the bowels of the plumbing system but Aslan, in his old lion form!

"'Sup, bitches?" he declared.

Susan and Lucy stared.

"Whoa, I wasn't expecting that," Lucy remarked, her eyes wide.

"Trippy," Susan agreed.

They hesitated and then ran up to the newly born lion, glomping him furiously.

"But, how are you here? We saw the Bitch flush the toilet!" Susan demanded, not believing her eyes.

Aslan smiled. "If the Bitch knew the true artistry of plumbing, she'd know not to flush me down the toilet when there was already a massive clog caused by one of the witch's dresses. It was made of human teeth and it was ordered off QVC, but it was far too small. Anyway, I ended up getting trapped in an alternate dimension where they thought I was King. I slapped someone, got married, (KYOU KARA MAOU REFERENCE!!) had fourteen beautiful children, and then came back here to save the world from total destruction. Face it, you guys suck."

Susan and Lucy nodded.

"It's our brothers' fault," Lucy declared.

"And they've probably gone to war. Just a guess. A pretty good estimate, I suppose…" Susan surmised.

"Yeah! We've got to help them!" Lucy cried, drawing her dagger with a fierce swipe.

Sadly, she was quite close to Aslan and misinterpreted the distance between them. Basically, she lopped off his nose.

"AHHH!"

Aslan writhed in pain and then calmed down.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go bleed somewhere," he said offhandedly.

"We'll come with you!" Susan exclaimed.

Aslan rolled his eyes.

"Fine," he muttered. "But I can't stand looking at your faces. Get on my back. We have to get somewhere and we don't have any limes!"

Susan and Lucy gasped as they clambered onto his back.

"And you may want to pour salt into your eyes," he advised them.

"But why would we want to do that? Wouldn't it cause us unbearable agony?" Susan wondered.

"Exactly."

There was silence for a few moments.

"But—"

"Just do it. Besides, your screams will mask mine!" Aslan answered.

The Pevensie siblings screeched in pain as they shook salt into their pupils while Aslan roared triumphantly.

"Meow," he whispered before flying into the sunset.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, the battle was still raging on. There were growls, roars, grunts, pickles, screams, shrieks and moans, indicating great happiness. Peter was riding gallantly through the hoard, flashing all enemies in sight. This caused them to stop and stare before getting impaled by Aslan's army. The only way Aslan's army was protected from Peter's vast sexiness was by wearing high-tech sunglasses that distorted the picture.

The Bitch, however, knew Peter's only weakness. She smirked as she raised a giant mirror from the ground. Peter halted at seeing his beautiful reflection and was forced to comb his ever smexy hair. This was the Bitch's chance! But alas, her plan was foiled by a long-range bag of flaming poo.

Back on the mountainside, Edmund had painstakingly removed himself from the rubble and climbed back to the top. Mr. Beaver had cursed at the sight of him, but signaled to the centaur that sent a signal that signaled a bag signaling defeat for the Bitch…signal. A random creature pulled back a catapult and flung the infamous flaming bag of poo toward the Bitch, igniting some very convenient gun powder on the ground. Flames divided the two armies and Aslan's army celebrated as if they had won a great victory.

Which of course, they hadn't. Not yet at least. GASP!! SPOILERS!!

However, the fire was no match for the Bitch. The flames took one look at her and ran away screaming. She had that effect on people…and inanimate objects. Because that makes sense.

Anyways, she plowed through the attempted barrier, lurching every time her wheels tried to turn, seeing as they were still square. It was quite an undignified entrance.

Peter glanced at the Bitch before finally removing his helmet altogether. He had run into that single tree, the only one in the field, about twenty times already and he didn't really want to scar his natural beauty any longer. He turned and looked back, practically connecting eyes with his brother on the cliff despite them being three hundred miles apart. Somehow, seeing Edmund made Peter want to admit defeat.

"Fall back! Draw them to the Chuck E' Cheese Ball Pit of DOOM!" Peter yelled, retreating. Suddenly a horn sounded.

"That's the signal! Come on!" Mr. Beaver echoed, shoving Edmund off the cliff when he was distracted by the noise.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHaaaaahhhhhhhh…" Edmund screamed as he fell. "Damn."

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Susan and Lucy were flying through outer space on Aslan's back.

Lucy frowned. "Aslan, how are you flying? I mean, you're not a giant flying potato anymore."

"I have no idea," Aslan responded. There was silence for a few moments.

"How did we end up here?"

Aslan shrugged sheepishly. "I guess I took a wrong turn…"

There was more silence.

"How are we not dying? We don't even have helmets."

Susan rolled her eyes. "What's with all the questions already? This is a bloody parody. It doesn't have to make sense!" To emphasize her point, they all exploded.

As the army retreated, they were careful to avoid the numerous ball pits in the way. Many learned how to fly and leaped over them with ease. Even the rhinoceros.

But evil had not been completely avoided. As Peter galloped by on his sparkly unicorn, the mean one-eared puppy dog man (after having taken a quick nap once he finished his dog bones) wanted revenge, and completed it by shooting an arrow at the eldest Pevensie's unicorn.

The head Cochicostrish was quite pissed off by this once they headed back to their trailer, as he had been told he was the one to kill the unicorn.

The unicorn flumped to the ground as Peter went flying forwards, landing on the ground with a SMACK.

"Not my face! My gorgeous face!" he moaned as he writhed on the ground.

By this point, Edmund had climbed back up the cliff only to find that everyone was on the battlefield below. He grew angry but then concerned as he saw Peter flopping around on the ground.

He pouted. "Why does Peter get to do the cool stuff, like having a seizure?" he whined out loud.

Oreius's stunt double's stunt double reappeared in the movie, and happened to notice the jealous look on Edmund's face about three million miles away. His Peter senses tingling, he looked back to see the eldest Pevensie brother rolling in the grass.

"I'm a caterpillar!" Peter yelled. Things were not looking good.

In order to cover up for Peter's sudden idiocy, Oreius's stunt double's stunt double and the flea on his back raced forward to create a diversion. They swung swords at their enemies as they left Peter in the dust.

Peter waved after them, a loopy grin on his face. "Bye-bye! Have fun now, kiddies!"

Oreius's stunt double's stunt double and the flea charged, making quick work of some random beasts in the Bitch's collection. Sadly, the flea was taken down early and Oreius's stunt double's stunt double had to fill in for him, slashing away at the lead Cochickostish until the great creature was no more. He then approached the Bitch, but her Spoon of Turning did its work: Oreius's stunt double's stunt double became a frozen glass of orange juice.

Peter laughed.