A/N: We like watermelons, Doctor Who, and the Pendragon series. Yay those things!

Disclaimer: We don't own the Chronicles of Narnia, the Demented Cartoon Movie, or sporks.

Chapter 36: Mmm…Explanations That Don't Really Make Sense…

Jack wanted Marianne to be his. So one night, he came home from dinner with a water fowl dangling around his shoulders. He wanted to prove to her that he was strong, and a mighty hunter that could provide for her. Marianne saw the fowl dangling from his shoulders and cried out loudly. Jack jumped back in surprise as she attacked him with a knife. It turns out that he had murdered her pet duck Ducky. Now that Ducky had met his demise, Marianne decided it was high time for Jack to do so as well. So, with one foul swipe, Marianne ended Jack's miserable life and lived happily ever after with a salesman. Jack proceeded to haunt the salesman thereafter.

Wait, what? Okay, let's just pretend that didn't happen…

There was a brilliant segway into the castle grounds with the statues as Oreius's stunt double's stunt double was turned into orange juice. Remarkably, the same glass of orange juice appeared in the Bitch's inflatable castle's backyard. How, you wonder? Well, time is like a coconut. It is round, slightly hairy, has milk inside and comes from palm trees. Yes, get your mind out of unhappy places. It's dark and scary there…

Anyway, it was much less dark and scary in the Bitch's graveyard of death and evil. Actually, the Bitch got bored of all the scary, gloomy and quite unresponsive statues. She found them pretty dull, considering their lack of movement…hence them being statues. In order to quench both her boredom and her hunger, she turned all the dreary statues into happy pieces of monster cotton candy, which she ate in her spare time. Thus, the amount of creatures in the yard was rather depleted, making Aslan swear as he walked in.

"Damn! I thought this would be a good idea!" he cursed angrily.

Susan and Lucy ignored him as they pondered their route from outer space, to explosiveness and back to Narnia again. It was rather perplexing.

"Aslan?" Lucy spoke up innocently.

Aslan was muttering to himself and didn't hear her.

"ASLAN??" she repeated loudly.

"What?!" he snarled.

"How did we get here?"

"Well, when two people love each other very much…"

"I know about that!" Lucy fiercely interrupted him. "I mean, how did we come from the galaxy to the Bitch's backyard?"

"Oh that!" Aslan laughed insecurely. "Well, uh…You know what you get when you have one piece of string and you tie it to another piece of string?"

Lucy thought hard for a moment. "A knot?"

"Yeah, that, and two pieces of string tied together! Also known as one really long piece of string."

"Oh, okay." Pause. "Wait, what does that have to do with anything?"

"I like string."

"But I—"

"Lucy, shut up. Can't you see it's pointless?" Susan cut in sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

Lucy pouted in her general direction and stomped off to appease her anger by eating so much food she could feed an entire family of acorns. This is always how she released her rage; by eating.

Susan sighed at her sister's habits, turning to look at all the remaining pieces of cotton candy. She noticed one Lucy was about to devour. Actually, Lucy had already eaten its left leg. Susan's eyes widened in horror as she raced forward to stop her sister.

"NO! NOT THAT ONE!! THAT ONE'S SEXY!!"

Lucy paused mid-bite, cocking her head as Susan flailed her arms. "What's the matter, Susan?" she asked finally, taking her mouth off of the creature's remaining stub for a leg.

Susan just made silly outraged noises at her.

"HOLY SALTINE CRACKERS, BATMAN!!" she screamed incoherently. (A/N: Read "Blarg," it's funnier in context.)

Lucy stared at her before processing her statement. She glanced at the cotton candy figure and gasped.

"Mr. Tumnus!" she gasped.

"Lucy, you better puke up his leg now or this whole godforsaken movie is ruined!" Susan ordered.

Lucy began to cry.

Luckily, Aslan swooped in to save the day by running offset to jump on a trampoline, squealing all the way. Little did he know that it was a MAGICAL trampoline that specifically brought cotton candy creatures back to life.

Tumnus shuddered and then fell over due to his absence of a leg.

"Okay, who ate my leg?" he demanded testily, very annoyed.

Lucy looked down, shamefaced.

"I'm sorry. I could barf it up for you, if you want!" she exclaimed, looking up hopefully.

Tumnus grimaced. "Um, no thank you. I'd rather not have a barf leg, if that's okay with you."

Aslan then made his grand second entrance, stopping before Tumnus and glancing down at him.

"Are you okay, fellow thingy?" he asked, faking concern.

"Besides my whole no-leg-thing, I'm fine."

"I can fix that!" Aslan declared. Raising his head, he hacked out a fine lougie that turned into ant feelers, which attached to Tumnus's head. They were about a foot long, thin, black and hairy, and they could feel things very well, hence them being called feelers. Unfortunately, this was not what Tumnus had in mind.

"I needed a leg, not ant feelers," he pointed out.

Aslan huffed.

"Have you ever heard the proverb 'beggars can't be choosers'?"

"Well, yes, but I don't think it applies here—"

"SHUT THE HELL UP I'M GOD!" Aslan yelled.

Tumnus backed away and was then glomped by Susan, whose reaction was a little belated.

"Mr. Tumnus!" she shrieked girlishly, which kind of made sense as she was indeed a girl.

Tumnus blushed as Aslan disappeared for a moment, only to reappear seconds later followed by two mosquitoes intent on fighting in the battle. They were the only volunteers.

"So, we're screwed," Aslan announced as the mosquitoes landed on his back.

He swatted at them because they itched him, killing them in the process.

"God killed us!" they moaned sadly as they died.

Tumnus rolled his eyes.

"Oh bloody hell! Just get back to the battle already!"

The authoresses complied.

Meanwhile, the Bitch was generally being evil and killing things. As she did so, she scanned the crowd for Peter, targeting him for her next cotton candy creature. His sexiness would ensure delicious flavor. Mmm….Peter….

Anyway, two kamikaze watermelons flung themselves at her, only to be turned into two gigantic buckets of onion rings. The Bitch was quite pleased with herself and commenced shoving them down her gullet. Mmm…gullet…

As she did this, Peter was also scanning the crowd, although he was looking at his friends getting chopped down like unruly hedges bordering your yard and your neighbor's nasty goat. It made Peter feel a little sad, although most of him felt happy. When he fell on the ground before, he feared his sexiness had been marred. Looking at all the death around him and seeing everyone getting splattered with mud, blood and various internal organs, he felt rather attractive considering the effects of the battle did not show on him at all.

Peter suddenly noticed the Bitch finishing her batch of onion rings. He grew infuriated.

"I WANTED SOME ONION RINGS!!" he screamed deafeningly, unaware that the onion rings used to be on his side.

The Bitch glared at him with a haughty expression.

In that instant, Peter realized that he was actually going to have to fight someone, and he had been practicing all along with only a plastic spork. He knew nothing of real combat, but hell, he could damage with a spork. Sadly, he didn't have a spork on him. He had left all of them behind in his magical Spork Land where no one would ever find them.

Abruptly, he turned to Edmund who was having fun sharing and caring.

"Sharing is caring, it can be fun!" Ed sang giddily. "Here; I'll take your sword, and you can have mine! Oops…sorry, I kind of got you in the gut there. Too bad you missed me!" he laughed genially.

"AARRRAGGGHH!" his friend screamed in pain before collapsing to the ground.

"Oh…uh…my bad," Edmund apologized, staring at the corpse. He glanced upward at the sky with a tearful expression. "Why do all my friends keep dying???" he cried brokenly.

"Edmund!" Peter yelled at his brother. "There's too many tacos!"

As Peter said this, tacos began to rain from the sky. It was, needless to say, a bizarre Mexican fiesta.

"Get my spork collection out of my other undies! Oh, and don't hesitate to sacrifice yourself on the way!" Peter added.

"Okay!" Edmund replied, about to follow Peter's orders for once in his life.

While they were both talking, no one attempted to stab them. Everyone on the set knew the rules of Anime, mainly the Naruto Anime; let the main characters stop fighting suddenly and start a long-ass monologue, and then start fighting again after they finish said monologue. Of course, this movie is not an Anime, so that actually makes no sense whatsoever. It was just a miracle. Or something.

"You heard Peter! Go sacrifice yourself—I mean search through his frilly underwear!" Mr. Beaver called, yanking Edmund away from the battle.

Peter, by this time, got assaulted by two random bad guys, and after pepper-spraying them, ran for his life in the wrong direction, seeing as the Bitch was rapidly approaching.

Edmund, looking back, saw the Bitch gaining on his brother. He was about to blatantly ignore Peter's dire need of assistance, until he noticed the Spoon of Turning in the Bitch's hand…IT WAS GLOWING AND SPARKLY!!! Edmund immediately forgot everything he was doing and ran blindly towards the light. He jumped down in front of the Bitch and, before she knew what happened, promptly bit off half of the spoon and began to chew on it. A light dazzled the area as the Bitch's evil magic was destroyed.

Edmund munched triumphantly.

Well, until the Bitch rammed the rest of the spoon into his kidneys. He gasped in pain and fell slowly to the ground.

"EDMUND!" Peter mouthed.

Suddenly, his angsty moment paused. He clutched his throat and tried to speak again. No sound came out.

"What the hell?" he mouthed.

The whole scene stopped as the rest of the cast found themselves silenced, as if some demonic bunny rabbit was toiling with the controls of the universal remote.

"Where's the audio?" Peter mouthed angrily at the director, who shrugged. "Hello? Hello? Where is my beautiful voice??" Peter mouthed in dismay as he repeatedly tried to talk aloud.

Then it all dawned on him. His brother had pretty much just died. He fell to his knees and began to scream in agony. The audio was turned back on for this serious moment.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."

A/N: Insert insane evil laughter here.