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O..."

Peter gasped for breath as his lungs folded upon themselves, all air gone.He collapsed forward onto the ground, flopping like a fish.

"I was wondering when he'd stop for God's sake!" Lucy rolled her eyes as she gazed down at her brother's twitching body. She glanced at Aslan beside her. "No offense for using your name in vain...or something."

"I don't care! I'm a carnivore!" Aslan retorted as if his refutation made absolute sense.

Lucy shrugged. She was just happy Peter had shut his festering gob.

A/N: So are you happy that we stopped the NOOOO's? And no, we weren't just being lazy and posted a bunch of O's because we couldn't think of anything; we actually had this planned for a long while. We don't blame you if you don't understand our strange-ass humor, as we often don't understand it ourselves. But, we thought it was funny and we wanted to torture you, so yeah. We're surprised that no one has gotten close enough to kill us, although there have been threatening pieces of burning garbage...I have no idea what that means...

Disclaimer: We own nothing from the Chronicles of Narnia, Monty Python, Kung Pow, or Yu Yu Hakusho.

Chapter 39: RWARG!

Peter suddenly regained conscious and noticed the newcomers; his sisters and Aslan. "Hey...where did you guys come from?"

"We've been here for THREE chapters!" Susan exclaimed fiercely. "We've been standing here staring at you scream for NO APPARENT REASON!!!"

Peter was silent for a moment before remembering why he had been screaming. "But...Edmund is...deaded...almost...NOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—"

Lucy bitch slapped him. "OH MY GOD! STFU!!"

Peter began to hack, hack, hack, cough, cough, hack, hack, choke, hack, hack, cough, gag, gag, choke, sing, dance, choke, choke, cough, cough, hack, gag, hack, and upchuck a pair of sandals. (A/N: Once again, READ BLARG! I'm getting all nostalgic...ah, the good 'ole days...)

"Oh, I was looking for those," Aslan mused aloud as he stored them in his pouch by eating them.

"So, um, anyway...the battle and all... Peter, what's going on?" Susan questioned.

"Huh?" Peter responded intelligently, for the first time becoming aware of his surroundings. No one was in the field except for the Bitch, who was dancing the tango by herself over Edmund's limp body.

Peter was horrified to see the Bitch's terrible dancing; he was a master tango artist after all.

"You are such a bitch, Bitch!" he cried as he stood up and ran toward the Bitch.

She noticed him approaching and paused in her routine. All of a sudden, she went down on one knee and hoisted Peter into the air like a ballerina. Peter expertly threw out his arms and legs to look like he was flying as the Bitch held him up with one hand and spun him around. She gracefully alighted him on the ground and they commenced a dazzling routine combining every dance technique possible.

Lucy and Susan stared, terror-bound, as their eldest brother, in midst of a swirling dip, accidentally stepped on his brother's body.

"I'm...not...dead...yet..." Edmund croaked.

Peter's eyes widened in horror as he recalled his brother's fate. "NO! EDMUND!" His jaw set determinedly, he glared at the Bitch and spun her hard.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" the Bitch cried happily as she spun toward Aslan. Then she noticed Aslan's widely opened mouth. "NOT SO WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" she exclaimed as Aslan summoned two gigantic slices of bread and mayonnaise, clamped her in them, and ate her in one gulp.

"Oh my! He just ate her face!" Lucy declared.

"And the rest of her body, idiot" Susan added with a disdainful air.

Lucy pouted. "But we don't KNOW that, do we? We never see her again in the movie."

"We don't?" Susan repeated in disbelief. "Not even her mangled corpse?"

"Nope," Lucy echoed sadly. "They had to keep the PG rating."

Susan began to pout.

Suddenly, everyone remembered that Tumnus was there.

"I'm here!" Tumnus said.

Peter stared at him in horror. "No...it's not possible...my worst nightmare...SOMEONE'S SEXIER THAN ME!! NOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—"

Susan threw a cat at his head and he fell unconscious.

"Meow," the cat meowed. Get it? It's a cat.

"Wait, isn't that cat supposed to talk? I mean, we're in Narnia...everything talks. Hell, Aslan's tent, a family of rocks, and a pair of FLYING SCISSORS FREAKIN' TALKED!!" Lucy pointed out.

"OMGSTFUIHYYSADRNSIRHAOYGAYSLF. Y!" the cat yelled as it ran off screen.

"What the heck did it just say?" Lucy wondered.

"It's an acronym, my BFF Lu," Susan explained. "He said 'Oh my god shut the freak up I hate you you should all die right now seriously I really hate all of you go away you smell like figs. Yeah.' "

"Oh okay."

Meanwhile, Tumnus felt rather insignificant in this scene. His character pretty much sucked, despite his sexiness. In order to prove useful, Tumnus decided to look for a nonexistent enemy to destroy.

He found the tree in the middle of the field. It was just standing there...being a tree.

Tumnus decided that it was going down.

He rammed into it with his mighty abdominal muscles repeatedly. He hoped to body-slam it to death. However, it was a tree, so that wouldn't work at all.

But no one cared about Tumnus's incredible stupidity. They all had more important issues to take care of, namely Edmund's impending death.

Lucy and Susan ran over to Edmund, almost crying because they were sad. Their brother was dying after all. Actually, they were getting paid to cry so even if it looked like crap (like Lucy) they didn't really care. They just needed those tears coming from their eyes.

"Edmund!" Lucy cried as she knelt down beside him. "Where, where does it hurt?"

"Oh...pretty much around the big bloody spot..." Edmund gasped. "Only a minor hole in my stomach."

Lucy absorbed this information and then decided to utterly ignore it. She removed the flask of magical potions at her side and uncapped the bottle. Tilting it, she gently emptied the entirely contents into Edmund's mouth. He gargled and choked helplessly as Susan and Lucy anxiously held their breaths.

All of a sudden, Edmund sat up and spit out the liquid.

"BLECH! I did not get paid enough to drink THAT! What is wrong with you??" he accused Lucy. "I was all serious and ready to go, but you had to come be an IMBECILE!! If I was really dying, pour a gallon of that crap down my mouth would make me drown, for crying out loud!"

Lucy blinked at him and glanced at Susan. "Edmund is speaking strangely, sister. Is he alright?"

Susan slapped her younger brother with her infamous bitch slap of life and death. Edmund passed out. "Look, he's alive!" she exclaimed, hugging her brother and squeezing all the jelly out of his eyes.

"My turn, my turn!" Lucy yelled as she glomped her brother.

As this was happening, Ginarrbrik cautiously made his way out of the field. When he got near the Pevensies, he began a little jig to celebrate his whole not-dying thing.

"I'm alive! I'm alive! Yippee yippee me! I am happy to be alive!" he danced.

Susan promptly shot him with her arrow before going back to glomping her brother.

"I'm...not...alive...this sucks..." Ginarrbrik gasped as he died.