A/N: iheartmwpp: I'd just like to point out that the very end of this chapter was partially stolen from one of my fics, Bothering Sephiroth

Raven: So we read this story in French, and this guy dies, and his girlfriend's like, "I can't live without him!" And so she dies on the spot. It was happy.

iheartmwpp: ...I see.

Disclaimer: We do not own certain lines stolen from The Simpsons, Inuyasha, Avatar: The Abridged Series, or Jeff Foxworthy. We also don't own the dream put in by CoriOreo (you're just an all around awesome person, you know that?).

Chapter 40: The Lunchboxes Danced Upon The Fluffy Pillows

The battle was over, and the movie should have been over GODAMNIT, but the producers decided to screw with everyone and show the complete happy ending.

It started with Edmund not dying, although it didn't really make people that happy.

After that, the camera panned to some random toothbrushes grooming each other on some rocks in the middle of the ocean. Once they realized the camera was on them, they jumped into the waves and began to frolic, leaping, skipping, shooting meteorites from the moon at earth because they wanted a DVD that had been given to them by a crazy guy that consequently made their mom angry because there were holes in the roof, squealing excitedly and then pouncing upon helpless people on land whose teeth were not brushed properly. A great amount of carnage ensued as the toothbrushes were heedless of their victims' need to breathe.

The camera guy paused for a moment.

"Uh, Andrew? Should we taping all this? I mean, it's kind of…death…"

The director Andrew Adamson shrugged. "We taped the battle. I think people get the picture. Narnia is a violent place. There's nothing we can do about it."

"But this is a Disney movie!" the camera guy protested feebly.

Andrew was silent a moment, contemplating. "Um, you're fired."

The camera guy stared at him. "I hate you."

"Meh, join the club."

After the camera guy was replaced by a hobo off the street, the movie continued. People wondered at the sudden, awful, camera-quality, but then they realized that the hobo was actually a duck. And the duck had not attended college, so it didn't know how to hold a camera properly. Because that's all that college teaches these days. This statement made the authors wonder why they were even bothering to apply.

Moving on…

There was a wide shot of the…well, it was supposed to be a castle, but someone with a grudge against Aslan for stealing their cheesecake decided to steal the castle.

Andrew Adamson ripped out his hair in frustration and the entire cast of four people, two donkeys, a duck, three sponges, a glue stick that tasted like ice cream and a car made out of flamingos turned to glare at Aslan, who smiled sheepishly. He tried to shrug off his mortal enemy as nothing more than a piece of celery, which his mortal enemy happened to be. Nevertheless, it didn't go over very well and everyone pretty much wanted to kill Aslan. The problem occurred when they realized that Aslan was God and he could smite them on a whim.

The scene recommenced, although the castle was still missing. Instead of the fabulous palace, there was a pile of dirt full of…dirty…dirt…dirt. Yeah, it was pretty much dirt if you didn't get that.

Peter raised his eyebrows as he looked down at the dirt. "I am not getting filthy in there. That would make me un-beautiful, and that just can't happen or the world will end."

Lucy laughed as she pushed him into the pile of dirt.

"DAMN YOU IRONY!" Peter cursed as he flopped about in the dirt.

Edmund pointed at him and giggled. "Now I can laugh at you for once and no one will hurt me!"

Someone chucked a jalapeño at him. It hit Edmund square in the cornea. It took him a moment to realize what had happened before he glanced down.

"Oh! A jalapeño!" He grabbed it and immediately stuffed it up his nose. Moments later, his eyes began watering.

He moaned. "Now my boogers are spicy! They taste like burning!"

Susan watched her brother writhe in pain and smirked. "This coming from the guy who blew off a gaping hole in his gut," she cynically commented.

Meanwhile, Peter had vacuumed himself off and was looking brand-spanking new.

He licked his lips. "Oh yeah, I'm hot!" he declared seductively.

Lucy pushed him off a cliff. Figuratively. Which meant that she really didn't; she just thought about it. She giggled evilly to herself.

Susan approached her eldest brother. "Cover your hands with your eyes," she ordered.

Peter gazed at her questioningly. "That's not physically possible," he snidely pointed out.

Susan turned into Satan. "DO IT NOW OR I WILL FEAST ON YOUR INNARDS!"

"So?"

"WITHOUT ANY SALT!!"

Peter's knees buckled as his face registered utmost horror. He couldn't let that happen! In order to make a compromise, he covered his eyes with his hands, standing up slowly so that Susan/Satan could see that he was being a good boy.

Susan/Satan promptly kicked him in his happy place.

Peter sank to the ground, in terrible agony.

"I need those to make babies!" he croaked weakly.

"What was that for?" he demanded a second later.

Susan/Satan glared at him. "For dragging me to Narnia!" she screamed.

"That's not my fault! It's Lucy's fault!"

"I don't care! I have misplaced anger and I'm taking it out on you! SO DEAL WITH IT!!"

Peter cowered before Susan/Satan's might.

"Do you know how much I've been through?!" she ranted.

"But…you haven't really done anything… I mean, you didn't even take part in the battle!"

"Hello! I shot Ginarrbrik!"

"Who's that?"

"Oh…you know, that puppy-dog guy…with the Bitch…"

"Him? Comic relief villain characters don't count for anything, sis. Sorry to burst your bubble."

"Bubble? Where?" Susan demanded, all her satanic powers fleeing as she ran to find her bubble.

"Well that was…interesting…" Peter mused to himself.

"Hey Peter? Why hasn't anything happened in this chapter?" Lucy asked him, bouncing over to where he lay sprawled in the grass, attempting to recover.

"I don't know. Maybe the whole castle-not-being-here-thing ruined the whole scene."

"That SUCKS! I wanted to be a queen! You hear me? A QUEEN!" Lucy stamped her foot and began to have a tantrum.

All of a sudden, the rest of the extras appeared. They were supposed to be there all along, but someone had inconveniently slipped laxatives in their coffee.

Tumnus was among them, although he was a little worse for the wear, if you know what I mean. After battering the tree for hours upon hours to no avail, his prosthetic nose had flattened, revealing the real one and the sexy actor beneath.

"Hello, I'm James McAvoy. I am sexy, I have a sexy Scottish accent and I am sexy." He wasn't particularly known for his intelligence, but that didn't matter. As soon as this vast sexiness was revealed in all of its glory, some very important things were suddenly brought into light.

One was the fact the entire Narnia set was actually filmed on a rope bridge over a black hole of blackness that could suck every living thing into it, destroying the world and all the people in it as well as the entire animal population and the rocks, the majestic rocks which would succumb to chaos and turn into the abyss of death. The set creators should be highly praised for their creativity as they fought to survive on such a deadly place.

The second great revelation was nothing relevant to the actual story. It was just that one of the authors, Raven, had knocked Lucy out and was cosplaying as the youngest Pevensie just so she could glomp James McAvoy.

iheartmwpp was pissed in that she was restrained from glomping Remus Lupin when he appeared in the story. She immediately began to shred Raven's giraffe, her dearest life companion. The result was disastrous. Raven would later succumb to severe depression and admit herself to a mental hospital.

"Finally!" iheartmwpp cried as she continued to write the chapter, after securely chaining Remus to a pipe in her basement.

Meanwhile, James McAvoy was trying to crown the next kings and queens of Narnia. Unfortunately, he didn't know where to start, seeing as Edmund and Peter were still writhing in pain on the ground, Lucy was actually Raven and was currently wrapped in a straitjacket in a padded room somewhere in Fiji, and Susan was recovering from becoming Satan, and otherwise just standing around being useless. As always.

James was rather confused as to what to do. Suddenly, he knew what he had to do. He took all the crowns, which were actually fuzzy socks, and placed them on his head, declaring himself the dictator of Narnia.

However, his plans were never to come true. Edmund recognized one of the socks (the hot pink one with orange and red stripes on it) as his beloved Dally. He forgot that Dally had died in the very first chapter, so he did not hesitate to tackle James and steal his prized sock. He wept when he remembered the awful truth.

iheartmwpp stopped. She didn't know how to continue with the story. The characters were not cooperating and she realized she really needed some insanity to back her up. So, she daringly rescued Raven from the mental hospital, risking her own life in the process; she had to swim through a giant vat of liquified ham, fight against a bunch of ninja sheep trained in the art of the Really Cool Funky Turquoise Agate Stones, and watch two consecutive episodes of One Piece. It was torture. Once she finally released Raven and all she got for her trouble were endless demands for chocolate, she wondered why they were friends.

Once Raven was reinstated as co-authoress and not crazy, insane mental patient (although she still was and continued to talk to herself in incoherent French and Japanese mutterings and iheartmwpp had the asylum on speed-dial) she got the story underway.

Suddenly, all that had happened was forgotten. James put the socks on their respective heads, making the audience cheer as they looked upon the new rulers of Narnia, not realizing how eternally screwed they were.

As part of their coronation, it was custom to get stomped on by a giant cow. Hey, it was promised in Chapter 24, so it had to happen. The throne place was called Cow Power after all!

A giant cow descended from the clouds and squashed the new kings and queens flat so they looked like happy pancakes that weren't very pleased that their faces were now in their belly buttons.

Aslan stood up proudly to declare the titles of the Pevensies as they settled on their respective thrones…which were actually flat rocks that were covered in spider webs and other goo-ish materials.

"From that little pebble in the brook to that other little pebble in the brook which is actually only a millimeter away, I give you Queen Lucy, the Psychotic.

"From all the chamber pots across Narnia, I give you King Edmund, the Perverted.

"From that amoeba farm to…well, just the amoeba farm, I give you Queen Susan, the Useless.

"And to that random snowman in a bikini, I give you King Peter, that…guy…"

The Pevensies glanced at one another, not exactly satisfied with their titles.

Aslan clapped his paws together. "Well, that about settles it. The rest of Narnia is mine…MINE I SAY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

As he laughed, a sudden thought occurred to him. He turned to the snowman in the corner.

"How the hell are you existing? I thought all the snow melted!"

The snowman shrugged. "Because I'm cool like that. Get it? Cool? Because I'm made of snow? Get it? Yes? No? Maybe? Lobster?"

Aslan pushed the snowman off the cliff.

"Now I'm not the ruler of anything!" Peter whined.

"Well, I'm the ruler of chamber pots!" Edmund pointed out.

"At least you rule something!" Peter pouted.

Aslan cleared his throat gruffly. "Once a king or queen of Narnia, always a king or queen of Narnia. Unless they are murdered, assassinated, smothered, choked, disemboweled, stoned, drowned, otherwise mutilated past the point of recognition, burnt to a crisp, dragged by a horse, decapitated by blunt objects, thrown off a cliff, eaten by rabid monkeys, having seizures/concussions/pencils to the eye/pineapples to the groin etc. Sovereignty is not for everyone. Minor side effects may include nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, itching, chafing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ring worm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, gonorrhea, diarrhea, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammer toe, the shanks, low sperm count, wart floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home, feline leukemia, athlete's foot, head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, warts, uni-brow, lazy eye, fruit fly, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction. Extreme side effects include itchy watery eyes, anal seepage, random explosions, and death. Sovereignty is nonrefundable."

"Wait, what was that?" Peter spoke up.

"Just the fine print! I mean, nothing!" Aslan replied sweetly.