Disclaimer: We own nothing from either Chronicles of Narnia, the Lord of the Rings, Fullmetal Alchemist, Pinocchio,Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series, Bleach, or Hamlet and our crazy awesome reviewer Eragon Is Mine.

Chapter 44: Do You Cultivate Greasy Tadpoles?

Peter, Edmund, Susan and Lucy were still in their older forms near the Flashlight in Narnia and were still standing around doing nothing except having flashbacks.

Speaking of which…

"Remember the time Susan's hair turned into cheese?" Lucy spoke up excitedly.

"Yeah. We ate macaroni-and-Susan-hair for a month after that," Peter sighed wistfully. "That was some good 'eatins." He rubbed his stomach as saliva drooled from his mouth in remembrance. Suddenly, he retched violently. "I'm still hacking up cheeseballs from that!" he choked as he spat out a gross wad of cheese and hair.

His siblings immediately shied away from him.

"You stupid idiots made me bald!" Susan declared, pouting and fingering her long tresses of rat fur. "I had to buy this awful wig from the Lord of the Ring's set and it smells like rats! And disease! And sugarplums!"

Edmund raised an eyebrow as he regarded his sister strangely.

"I hate sugarplums!" Susan screeched, frothing angrily.

"Hey, Ed?" Lucy asked.

"Yeah?"

"Is Susan rabid again?"

"I'm afraid so. Now where's that can-opener I used to stop it before?"

"Didn't you shove it in Peter's brain?"

Edmund looked at his elder brother who was still salivating out of his ears. "Oh yeah. Hmm…"

Peter abruptly snapped out of his brain-dead stupor and jogged over to Edmund.

"Remember when I told you that the window above your bed was candy glass?" he asked, clapping his brother hard on the back.

Edmund fell forward onto his face with the force of Peter's smack.

"Ow!" he moaned. Then he turned and glanced up at Peter. "Wait, the glass really wasn't candy? That would explain why I've been coughing up blood for the last three decades and why I have massive internal damage to my internal organs!"

"At least your external organs weren't damaged," Susan commented.

"Actually, they were," Peter pointed out, smiling snidely. "Ed was so eager for the candy that he crashed through the window on the second floor and landed on the ground."

"Oh yeah! I remember that! That was when I died!" Edmund exclaimed happily.

"Wait," Lucy spoke up, frowning, "if you died, then how are you here right now?"

Edmund's smile dimmed. "I…don't know," he confessed.

"Let's just say that homunculi come in handy sometimes," Peter whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Wait, you mean I'm not real? I'm made of sticks and stones and words that will never hurt me?" he whimpered.

"That's riiiiiiight!" Peter stated with a grin.

Edmund was downcast. "But…but…I wanna be a real boy!"

"Sorry, Ed. You can't. And that line's copyrighted."

"Okay. Well, I wanna be a genuine human being!"

"Not gonna happen. Get over it."

Edmund pouted and stomped off-screen to have a tantrum.

Susan suddenly cocked her head. "Aren't we really like twenty years old? And we're still acting like kids?"

"I'm eighteen!" Lucy cried, holding up eighteen fingers.

Peter made a face. "Wow, Lu. That was freaky as hell."

"I'm a Mutant Ninja Turtle!"

"When did that happen?" Peter demanded.

"When I met Mr. Mouse Man. You know, that mouse that can talk and is a ninja master? Apparently he's from Narnia."

"That surprisingly makes a lot of sense," Peter surmised to himself.

"Let's go teach Mr. Tumnus how to bungee jump!" Lucy burst out.

"Okay!" Peter agreed.

They instantly exited the scene, leaving Susan and Edmund behind.

Peter and Lucy tromped to Mr. Tumnus's house and discovered him breeding some monkeys. When he saw the Pevensies approaching, he quickly removed his finger from his nose and shoved it in his pocket.

"Hehe…what do you want?" he demanded, fixing them an evil glare.

"We want to go bungee jumping!" Lucy answered, skipping in circles around him.

"WHAT??" Tumnus thundered, spitting chocolate out of his nose. (A/N: In real life, it almost did happen to iheartmwpp…scary…)

"That's what I said. Only I spit starburst phlegm," Peter said, nodding knowingly.(A/N: And that almost happened to iheartmwpp's mom. Spitting out random things must run in the family).

Before Tumnus could argue, there was a scene change and they were flying in an airplane. He stood at the door and glanced down at the heaving ground thousands of miles below and felt sick.

"Guys…lemme down!" he whimpered, his lower lip quivering. "Pleeeasse? I have so much left to live for! My goal is to kick every tree in Narnia and—"

"You look a little pale. Here, let me help you," Lucy interrupted as she pushed Tumnus out of the plane. He immediately plummeted through the sky, screaming all the way.

"Hey Lucy? You were supposed to give him a parachute," Peter pointed out.

Lucy was thoughtful as she stroked her mustache. "Yes, that would've been better… But wait! I know how to help him!" Lucy removed a jug of apple juice from her belly button, uncapped it and spilled its contents out of the plane.

"What was the point of that?"

"It's magical apple juice! Now made with lint! It can bring Mr. Tumnus back!"

On the ground, Tumnus was writhing in horrible agony when a gallon of apple juice splashed onto his head.

"Oh for Christ's sake!" he exploded. Literally.

Peter and Lucy noticed the random mushroom cloud and decided not to question it.

The scene changed again and the four Pevensies were back to the original scene next to the flashlight.

"How was your little escapade?" Edmund asked jealously after having tantrumed himself out.

"It was great! Mr. Tumnus flew! And then…fell to his death…"

"Oh, so the faun gets to have all the fun, does he?" Edmund retorted angrily. "Well I can have fun too! Like talking to this horrid beaver-looking thing!"

"I'm not a beaver! I'm Lucy Pevensie!"

"WAHHH???!!!" exclaimed the original Pevensies in unison.

"Imposter!" Lucy accused, pointing her finger to the fat girl with an overbite and a brown bowl-cut hairdo.

"No, no really!" the overweight girl explained. "I'm Lucy Pevensie from the 1989 version of the Chronicles of Narnia!"

The Pevensies regarded their badly-acting 1989 counterparts in shock. Behind Lucy was a red-haired, freckly Edmund followed by a blond, pretty Susan and a remarkably young Peter.

"Hey, that can't be me!" Peter yelled as he glared at his counterpart. "You look younger than all the others and you're supposed to be the oldest! I mean look, your Edmund is freakin' taller than you!"

"I can't help that I have a boyish, cute, young face and no sign of ever maturing!" the other Peter answered violently, rattling his plastic scabbard menacingly.

The other Edmund looked thoughtful. "I don't know if I should be meeting myself," he thought aloud as he suddenly doubled himself and began talking to himself.

The Edmund we know and love had an odd expression. "Why is he talking to himself? What, that second him is supposed to be his conscience? That's stupid!" When no one was listening, he grumbled to himself, "I wish that my conscience was real so I could have a friendly friend!"

Brown Susan regarded blond Susan. Blond Susan regarded brown Susan. Simultaneously, they cried, "Yay, we're totally ineffectual!"

Brown Susan grew sad. "Why is our character useless in both movies?"

Blond Susan shrugged. "C.S. Lewis had something against us, I suppose. Let's go shopping!"

"Okay!"

Meanwhile, Lucy was backing away in fear from her counterpart's menacing teeth.

"Mr. Tumnus!" her counterpart exclaimed randomly.

Lucy cowered. "You're not Lucy. You're…you're…CHOMPY!! Run for your lives!" she warned her siblings as she stumbled backward and was amazed to find the Bitch.

"Bitch! Save me!" Lucy cried. Then she paused. "Hey, where did you come from?"

"I've been here the entire time but no one has cared to mention me!!" the Bitch screamed. "And save you? I would rather kill you. I think I'll wait for my counterpart though. Then we can kill you together."

All of a sudden, the 1989 Bitch appeared, resplendent in her long, icicle dress, a ten foot icicle crown, crazy over-acting and brown hair. Not icicle hair, brown hair. She kind of broke the pattern.

Anyway…

"Hey, Bitch!" the Bitch yelled to her counterpart.

The old Bitch raised an eyebrow. "How DARE you!!" she cried, opening her mouth wider than humanly possible. It was then revealed that her mouth was actually a wind tunnel that sucked every little thing into it. However, only the newer Bitch was sucked into her older self's mouth.

"Wow, that was an odd turn of events," commented Lucy dryly.

All of a sudden, horrid beasts appeared. They were men…in ANIMAL SUITS!!!! AHHHH!!!! It was revealed that they were actually the animals in the old Narnia movie. Yes, be very afraid.

"Why, hello there!" the man playing a six-foot tall Mr. Beaver introduced, flailing his pathetically stubby arms.

"RAWR!!" growled the man pretending to play Maugrim. Since he was human though, he sounded like a platypus stuffed into a sock.

"DALLY!" Edmund cried upon mentioning of the sock. He then recalled that Dally was dead and began to cry.

The red-haired Edmund regarded his future self with disdain.

"Um, you suck," he and his conscience (?) said together.

"AHHAHA!!" the old yet young-ish Peter cried defiantly, raising his plastic sword. "We are truly stronger than all of you! We fought in a great battle you know!"

Blond Susan raised her eyebrows. "Actually, their battle was way better than ours. If you watched the movie, you would realize that."

"Uh…well, we fought like twelve people! And there were cartoon animals that we attacked but in reality we were just slashing at the air…"

"And Aslan could fly!" Chompy spoke up, guffawing rather unpleasantly.

The Pevensies from the new Narnia cringed.

"So, how many are you?" the older Bitch demanded, trying to remain upright even though her ten-foot crown made her rather top heavy.

"What are you talking about?" Peter asked. Yes, the beautiful older version of William of course.

"Well, in total, there are ten of us including you," Susan answered.

"One, seventeen, eighty-five, pi…FOUR???" the older Bitch yelled with her amazing counting abilities.

"Pie? Where?" Chompy asked.

"Your Lucy's fat!" Edmund yelled at the other Peter, trying to defend his family for some reason.

"Well, at least I have a sword!" the young Peter retorted angrily.

"I do too!" the Peter from our beloved Narnia responded, holding up his glistening blade…which he immediately plunged through his gut.

"Now who gave him an actual sword?" Susan asked, rolling her eyes.

Chompy laughed maniacally.

"My teeth told me to KILL THINGS!!"

"AHHH!!" everyone screamed.

"Quick! There's only one way to stop her!" our dear skinny Lucy cried out. "Everyone, now!"

Simultaneously, all the cast in the general vicinity crossed their arms over their chest and laughed, "Bwaaahahahahahahahaahaa!"

Chompy was instantly overcome with stupidity and her breasteses began to explode.

"Not the breasteses of Chompy!" one of the Susans shouted. A great shaking rocked the stage and it appeared that the studio was about to collapse.

Then, over the loudspeaker came a calm voice.

"Attention everyone. In order to ensure your safety, please walk to the nearest exit. Thank you!"

"What if I don't want to walk?" the new Edmund called. "Why can't we rampage in panicked hordes?"

And that's what happened. Everyone panicked and rampaged in hordes out of the exits. For the new cast of Narnia, the wardrobe was the nearest exit. Edmund, Lucy and Susan, who were dragging Peter's body, stumbled through the wardrobe and emerged on the other side. They all fell to the ground and immediately realized that they had essentially gone back in time and were now young again.

Susan felt her chest.

"My boobs are gone!" she screeched.

"And so is my mustache!" Lucy sobbed brokenly.

Peter sat up.

"Wow. That was crazy. I dreamed that we encountered some man-beavers and then—"

"Don't you mean werewolf-beavers?" Edmund wondered aloud.

"Therewolf-beavers!" the brothers agreed, shuddering.

Suddenly, they all looked up at the professor, who had entered the room through a fire hydrant.

"I am old and fat!" the professor declared.

Meanwhile, Lucy was licking the floor.

"The floor tastes like fried magnifying goats!" she announced.

"AHHHHHHH! Who are you and why are you molesting my wa-wa?"

"Your 'wa-wa'?" Peter repeated.

"Oh yeah, the wardrobe and I go wayyyyyy back. She likes being called wa-wa. Speaking of which, I'm old and fat!"

"You already said that, sir," Susan pointed out.

"Ah, well you are a hoe-bag. I shall rake thine eyes!"

"NANI???" Lucy cried as her tongue caught on a splinter.

"Anyway, why were you molesting my wa-wa again? You never really answered my question," the professor spoke up.

"Stuff," Peter replied.

"What kind of stuff?"

"Stuffy stuff."

"Ah, the kind that smells like creamed corn?"

"No, the kind that enjoys eye-suckling."

"Sounds fun."

"It was."

"How bout that, then."

"Yup."

"Indeed."

"So, the movie's over, huh?"

"Not quite," the professor laughed evilly as he picked up the bowling ball Edmund had knocked through the window and chucked it at Edmund's head, splintering his skull.

"Oh, I am slain!" Edmund moaned, clutching his spinal cord as he commenced writhing and dying.

Everyone clapped and laughed, pointing at him and generally enjoying themselves.

"That's all folks!" Lucy cried as she danced around Edmund's corpse.

"Except it's not, really. There will still be more…" Raven spoke up.

"Yup. We got the ending song parodies to do and then the epilogue clip thingy with the professor and Lucy!" iheartmwpp added giddily.

"Don't be so excited," Raven commanded as she revved her zanpakutou.

"Shut up or I will send my evil plushies of doom after you!" iheartmwpp warned.

"Wait, why am I here?" a lion plushy named Kon demanded. "Oh well. Look! A bird! A plane! Death. Well, I'm off to hit the juicebox! Now where's that jug? Oh look! On the side it says that it is lethal to drink. Wonder what that means? Oh well! Belly's up! Wow...don't feel so good...Why is Jesus flashing neon? WHY ARE SCARECROWS EATING MY EYES? Oh, holy blood. I like cheese. BOOBIES!" With that, Kon exited the movie on Bawabawa. Who, just for your information, was a gigantic deathly caterpillar.

iheartmwpp sweat dropped.

"Yeah…Well, anyway, it is getting really close to the end of this, so you might want to look into Blarg…especially since I'm revamping the whole thing to make it slightly more legible…"

"Wow, this is truly a pathetic excuse of advertising," commented Raven snidely.

"Yeah, but it's the first fic we wrote together, doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Why would it? I hate you."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Now I'm melting! Huh…It's weird being goo…"

"Yay verily. Well, I'm off to roast some toast with peanut jelly!"

"And I'm going to go digest some quartz!"

"I hope that doesn't shred your innards!"

"Why's that?"

"Because I love entrails!"

"YAY ENTRAILS!" the two psychopaths cried together.

And then the chapter committed suicide.