Horatio the Narcissist

Year 13 – 89, born to Laurence and Ariadne

The bodies piled up in the hallway. Perhaps a barrier of enemy corpses could be constructed to keep the enemy forces at bay?

"Hmm? Did you say something, Zippy?" asked Horatio as he flexed his muscles in a mirror, flashing his blinding white teeth.

"I said, we should build a wall of corpses to make it harder for them to get to us!"

"That's a stupid idea."

"Oh, right, mister, 'I'm so sexy and awesome but too lazy to come up with any ideas on my own.' What do you got?"

"I'm a Weller, I'll think of something."

More enemies charged down the hall. Zipporah ran through two at a time, then roundhouse-kicked the third in the face.

"Hey!" cried Horatio, turning from the mirror, "That's the Weller signature move. You can't do that!"

"Useless piece of Markina turd," muttered Zipporah as she began rolling corpses up to the door.

"Excuse me? Useless? Who the hell else would make sure these mirrors worked?" he spotted another mirror.

"Don't you dare-"

He flexed. Zipporah took a deep breath and grabbed her spear.

"That does it! I'm sick of you insisting on coming out here, fighting these random nameless badguys, only to stare at yourself in the mirror while I do all the work! What is wrong with you?" More soldiers rushed from behind as she ran them through, her back still to them.

"How did you do that?"

"You had better get your rear in gear and help me finish this mission, or the king won't have an heir to the throne any longer." Horatio yawned and obliged, and they plodded along the hallway once more.

"So, why are we here, anyway?" asked Horatio.

"Your father sent us to clear out more of the resistance."

"Man, those guys need to get laid, or something."

"Yeah, well-" she was interrupted by the smacking of feet on the floor. The two of them flattened themselves against the wall to see a group of four soldiers running towards an outer room.

"The leader's base is this way!" cried one helpfully.

"We know, dummy! We've been here for months! What's the point in telling us again?"

"Well that made it easy." Horatio strode towards the door that they had run through.

"Don't you think this is a trap?"

"Zippy, these people are idiots. They can't even tie their shoes. Didn't you see them tripping over each others' shoelaces back there?"

"No, because I was too busy fighting while you were making out with your own reflection."

"Trust me, there is no way that this is a trap…" They had reached the door. Above it hung an ominous sign.

The Hall of Mirrors.

Zippy threw her hands up. "You have got to me kidding me. I mean, what the f-"

"BRING IT!" yelled Horatio as he kicked down the door. Sure enough, it was a room covered in mirrors, head to toe. Opulent and beautiful.

"But you know what would make this even more beautiful?"

"Can't you just walk through the hall-"

"ME!"

"Screw it, I'm leaving you behind," and she ran down the hall to her destiny, where a group of thirty bandits awaited her.

"Wait up for me, Zippy!" Horatio cried. He took one step into the room. Ever since he was young, he had never been able to look in a mirror without flexing and reaffirming how dreadfully sexy he was. It was a sad compulsion. He heard the sound of swords clashing in the far room.

"I'm coming, Zippy, I'm coming!" he called. He took another step, then turned around and flashed a smile into the mirror. Another step, another mirror. This time he mooned himself. Two bandits charged and he ran each one through the torso. Blood spattered on a third window and he stopped to flex his biceps.

Ten minutes later he had made it to the end of the hall. He opened the door, and gasped in horror.

Blood everywhere. Corpses hanging from the ceiling. And on a bloody throne in the middle sat the band's new leader.

"Can you believe it? Their leader was one of the Markina brothers," said Zipporah, twirling a hat on her finger.

"Did you seriously kill all of these guys by yourself?"

"Uh, yeah? So?"

"Only a Weller could have done something so badass and amazing."

"Um, hello? Are you dense? You realize what a slut your father is, right?"

"What are you talking about?" Horatio crossed his arms.

"I'm your illegitimate sister, dummy. The king has had like fifty of them. He can't keep his goddamn pants on. Everyone knows that. I thought you were just pretending to be dense."

"So I am not a unique special snowflake?" Horatio gasped.

"No. You're just a wanna-be Mary Sue in a land full of Mary Sues. These rebel bandits don't stand a chance."

"Well, at least my arm is still special," he said, holding up a goblin to see his own reflection.

"You just keep telling yourself that, buddy." She looked around.

"There is no other exit, is there?"

"No, why?"

She sighed. "We gotta go back through that hall again."

"Damnit!"

"See you on the other side, bro."

And once again, Horatio stepped into the hall, turned to a giant mirror, and flexed his left bicep. It was the Weller Family Secret. And it was super special awesome.