Magdalena the Irritated

Year 48 – 149, born to Horatio and Meridia

Her mighty sword swung through the air with a whistle. With a thwuck, three decapitated training dummies fell to the floor.

"A fine attack, Your Highness," said the towel attendant, holding out a towel.

"Clearly, the Weller family line continues strong with your ascension to the throne," said the exposition attendant, expositing.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," said the sarcastic attendant.

"Why do I have you guys on the royal payroll again?"

"You promised to create jobs, what with the rebel bandits razing our cities and forcing us to move inland," said the exposition attendant.

"It was a rhetorical question." Another training-dummy-head went flying.

"Are you going to need another towel anytime soon? Because I gotta pee."

"Great job, Gary. Real professional," whined the sarcastic attendant.

"Okay, training is over, get the hell out of here." Magdalena Weller sighed, ruing the day she promised a job for anyone with working vocal chords and towel-ready arms.

"Your Majesty! Your Majesty, it's an emergency!" came the cry of the over-dramatic attendant, as tears rolled down his cheeks.

"Yes, yes, what is it? Do you need your bloody diaper changed?"

"It's not that this time. The Sage has been kidnapped!"

"What, the old lady who sits in the temple meditating? Who would want her?" The dramatic attendant, Gregoire, wiped the tears from his eyes.

"It is the Markina brothers."

"Again? Don't we have any other enemies?"

"No. Your Majesty's brilliant wisdom has attracted the majority of the populace to our beautiful nation. Very few seek to defy-"

"So why did they capture the Sage?"

"We do not know. Apparently our spies overheard something about taking over the world." Gregoire gasped at the thought and clutched his heart. "Oh! How terrible!"

"Well, I'll go rescue her, if it means leaving you lot behind." So she gathered her badass Weller belongings and headed to the evil lair, where the Markina brothers did their evil anti-Weller deeds.

"Seriously though, what is up with these guys?" Magdalena asked as she cleared the brush leading to the cave, her long brown hair tied in a knot.

"You see, Your Majesty, the Markina brothers never approved of your grandfather, that is Laurence Weller's ascension to the throne. They are opposed to the demon kingdom of Shin Makoku and seek to defeat anyone who supports them," the exposition attendant chimed in.

"The hell? Who brought you along?"

"Your Majesty, someone must be here to explain what is going on, or else how would you know?"

"I have eyes. I have ears. I have a frickin' brain. What is the point-" the exposition attendant's hand grabbed her arm as she was about to hack through some leaves. She turned to look at him.

"Hark! Little did the brave Magdalena Weller know, there was an ambush waiting on the other side of the tree!"

"Thanks?" She killed everyone.

"She killed everyone!"

"Couldn't you put a little more oomph in your descriptions?"

"Magdalena Weller was grumpy, as usual! If only she had hit the drugs a bit harder in her youth-"

"Sssh. We're here." The dark cave loomed before them.

"Listen, exposition attendant guy. You wait out here. I will go in and rescue what's-her-face." The exposition attendant nodded.

"And so, the brave Weller Queen entered the dark cave while her humble servant, whose name is Cesar by the way, guarded the entrance. What danger awaits her in the dank depths? Will she rescue the wise sage? Will she acknowledge her obvious feelings for her most trusted and loyal attendant? Tune in-" a bandit helmet came whizzing out of the entrance, hitting Cesar the exposition attendant in the face.

Magdalena wandered through the endless tunnels, wondering who would be stupid enough to live there. The answer, of course, was the Markina brothers. The dumbest men on earth, they relied on the strength of numbers and were often saved by the fact that they were so stupid, no one viewed them as a threat. So how, exactly, did they manage to capture the wise Sage? Magdalena had to find out.

It wasn't long before she came upon a series of crude, Tamrielesque wooden doors leading to several rooms in the cave. True to their idiotic nature, the bandits had given each room its proper label. Magdalena followed the doors past the Kitchin, Eeting Rume, Gymnayz- Werkit Room, before finally reaching Prizin. The door was unlocked and unguarded. She immediately expected an ambush.

Upon opening the door, sword drawn, she entered to an ambush… but not one of the bandits' making. In the middle of the dank prison stood not a rogue band of marauders, but the wise Sage.

"Aunt Zippy?" Zipporah was standing with her spear held out in front of her, three bandit-corpses still skewered on it. "You're the sage?"

"Yes, well, I got bored saving your father's narcissistic ass so I decided to become wise or something. But it's really boring. So I let these losers kidnap me so I could bust my way out again." Pointing her spear to the ground, she stepped on the corpses, pulling the weapon out of them.

"But why would they want to kidnap you in the first place?"

"Oh, you know, I'm the daughter of Laurence Weller, they think my arm is a key, blah blah blah."

"I thought I was the only Weller who had the key. Are there others?"

"There is a very specific set of circumstances that must happen for someone to be a key. For instance, you must be completely full of yourself and acknowledge your own awesomeness constantly."

"Like me!"

"Right. But I am competent, so I cannot be a key."

"You know what? I'm just gonna leave you here and go back to ruling the country. Enjoy your stay."

"It was nice to see you too, dear." Zipporah picked her teeth with the bloody spear. Another day, another crisis averted.