Summary: In this chapter we are introduced to a new Weller family tradition!

Hans the Practical

Y105 – 136, born to Olga and Thierry

In the year 136, Hans Weller took it upon himself to visit the Shinou Temple as his mother had done many years ago. He said goodbye to his wife and two-year-old son and headed for Shin Makoku.

What had sparked his need for adventure was his reading of the great lore-books detailing the keys to the mysterious boxes that contained Soushou. His ancestor Laurence Weller had been the first key. Hans wanted to know if he was indeed a key as well. The notion bothered him. Why had Shinou distributed the keys to physical people who would die? What was the point? If the boxes were never meant to be opened again, why did he needs keys in the first place? Hans wished to find out, for he felt that his ultimate purpose was wrapped up in his left arm.

The Shinou Temple had finished construction a few years before his journey. It stood grand and tall. The pubescent maidens hung out of windows and blew kisses and Hans as he entered the temple. Clearly the incorporealness of their master wasn't doing much for them.

"Hello, Hans Weller, King of Dai Shimaron," greeted Akara. "I am Akara, High Priestess of Shinou, or whatever. I will call forth his spirit so that you may speak with him." She led Hans to the great hall, where Shinou's mark stood high upon the wall. Kneeling down, she called upon his spirit.

"Shinou, Your Majesty, I beseech you to speak with me on behalf of Dai Shimaron's new ruler."

"Oh, that hot chick is back? I knew it!"

"Actually, that was my mom. It's me, Hans Weller," said Hans.

"What, another one, already? Man, you humans die fast. Hey, is your mom still alive? Is it too late to bone her?"

"I apologize on behalf of the Original King. Despite being incorporeal, his libido has yet to die with the rest of him," said Akara.

"Oh, you're no fun. Anyway, Guy Weller, what can I do for you?"

"Yeah, actually, I have a few questions about this arm thing."

"You have two arms. What about it?"

"Well, apparently you made my ancestor, Laurence Weller's arm a key to a magic evil box of doom that could destroy the world and I think I inherited it."

"Yeah, so? What's the big deal?"

Hans paused. "Well, like, why? What's the point?"

"Listen, bro, you just gotta trust me. I'm Shinou. The Original King. I know what I'm doing because I'm the original, and nothing beats the original."

"But, what if my arm falls into the wrong hands and someone opens the box? That seems like kinda a big deal."

"Well, if you're ever in danger, you could like, chop your arm off and throw it out a window. But make sure to yell really loud when you do it in case I'm sleeping or something. So I can hear you."

Hans pondered this for a moment. Clearly this Original King was insane. But if he was telling the truth, it was Hans' duty to do what he had to do to keep the world safe. He was a Weller, after all.

"So, what if I just chopped off my arm and gave it to you here? Then you'd have the key and no one else would, and you wouldn't have to pass it down to my ancestors."

"That's not fun! Besides, you need spare keys. I might get wasted and lose one. No, I will stick to my brilliant plan of making dozens of keys. There is no way that can go wrong."

Hans Weller pulled out his sword and held it to his arm.

"I refuse to be a pawn in your game, Original King! I would rather be parted with my limb entirely than to live my life as your mortal keyring! I hereby decree that all future Wellers will remove their arms as a protest to your tyranny! If you want this arm, you may take it!"

And with a thud, his arm fell to the floor as he slashed through it. Blood poured out of the gaping hole. He looked down at the arm.

"That wasn't so bad."

"Yeah, you should know that it's the left arm, specifically, that holds the key. You just chopped off the right arm."

"Oh God, really? How embarrassing for me."

"Yeah, you might want a do-over."

"Well, could you re-attach my right arm so I could use it to chop off my left arm?"

"Well, I would, but you called me a tyrant. That wasn't nice."

"Screw you then, Original Dog." He slumped to his knees, and used his teeth to turn the sword so the pointy-side faced up. Then slowly, he began sawing off his arm.

"The things I do for liberty…"

Before he managed to get his arm completely off, he slumped to the floor and died of blood loss. And that is how he came to be known as Hans the Practical. Because he definitely solved this the practical way.

"That's too bad," said Akara, looking at his lifeless body.

"That guy bred, right? I mean, we're kinda screwed if he didn't pop out a baby."

"I'm pretty sure I heard something about him having a kid."

"That's great. Well, it's no problem then. Just clean up this mess, will you? God, this temple is a pig sty…" and Shinou disappeared into Oblivion.