Valentino the Druggie
Y195 – Y251, born to Carlotta and Marcello
From the Diary of Valentino Weller:
My mom's like, totally getting on my case all the time. It's like, lady, get off my back! I do what I want! I'm gonna be the king soon! I'm 40 years old! What a witch!
Man, if I wanna smoke, I'm gonna smoke. I gotta relax, you know. Running a country is tough and we can't just all sit around knitting scarves. Some of us gotta smoke a joint. Yeah, leaning against walls and smoking joints, that is the life.
It's like I was telling this hobo the other day outside of the castle walls. Bitches, man. Life sucks and I gotta get stoned. You would do the same, you person who is reading this. And it's tough, getting high. For instance, I had to mug three tax collectors to get the cash to buy some crack after mom cut me off! Can you believe it? She's responsible for, like, so much violence. When I'm king, I won't have to kill tax collectors. I'll just, like, steal from the royal treasury and stuff. You know?
Anyway, the other day, I was totally getting stoned, and mom came in the room and was like, "I've had it with you! You suck! You are gonna learn something about sacrifice!" Please, lady. I like, know all about that crap. Like the other day, I realized I didn't have enough cash for weed, so I mugged a hobo! That's like, a huge sacrifice I made vicariously through that guy.
So she sent me to this Shin Makoku place to meet this disembodied spirit. I was like, "You think I'M high, when you believe in this shit?" She said something about a royal mandate grandpa made which meant I would have to lose an arm and donate it to the dead guy. But I totally knew she was joking.
But you know what? She was totally serious, and I had to chop off my left arm and donate it to some douche. And he wouldn't even talk to me, this little 5-year-old girl said she was talking for him, and I was like wooooah. Then there was smoke everywhere and pink elephants and shit and dancing fire and naked demons hitting me with their demon magic. And I was like, bad trip! Bad trip!
Then I woke up here, and realized it was all a dream!
But the weird thing is, I'm still missing that arm! Weird, huh? Gonna make it harder to strangle those tax collectors, heheheh!