AN: Forgive me if I take some poetic license with George and Alanna. Not much…you'll see what I mean. Read and Review!!!
The morning had been pleasant enough. She had managed to keep the worst of the grief at bay. It was a challenge every day and she often lost, succumbing to the painful waves that forced her back into her bed to curl up and cry. Sometimes Thayet would sit with her and rub her back, knowing that there wasn't anything she could say to take away some of her friend's pain. After all, she had been in Alanna's place. She had felt this grief after the loss of her mother and Buri's family. Thayet knew that sometimes the only thing to do was cry.
When Alanna calmed herself enough, they stayed up late into the night, Thayet listening to Alanna talk about growing up with Thom and all of the things they had planned for their lives. She would laugh and smile, the happiness of distant memories resurging and giving her strength. Other times though, Alanna's voice took on a forlorn quality, knowing that so many of their childhood plans could never come to pass. Thayet understood this as well. Losing her mother had changed the course of her life. For a while, she didn't know which way to turn. A whole future had been lost to her. How do you begin again after a blow like that? Where do you start? Thayet knew Alanna was struggling to come to terms with these questions. It would take a long time.
Time, Thayet scoffed, they say time heals all wounds. Looking at her friend, whose face seemed to always be wet with tears, Some wounds run too deep. Some wounds will carve out a piece of your heart and you'll never get it back, never heal it. All you can do is live with it. There is no healing.
And so the days went by. Things moved on. The Privy Council kept Alanna busy, keeping her mind focused on work. They had much to do. Jon's use of the Dominion Jewel had severe repercussions. Already, reports came flooding in about failing crops and the possibility of a crippling famine weighed heavily on the new King. He quickly began to negotiate with his neighbors, sending letters asking monarchs for aid.
Alanna was proud of Jon. He had turned out to be king she had always seen in him. He was honest, determined, humble, conscientious, courageous and strong. He had moved far from the restless youth she fought with in the desert just a few years ago. In some way, it helped her to accept the deaths of her friends and brother. Jon turned out to be worthy of the sacrifice. Normally, Alanna would not have even needed to acknowledge this since it was her duty to protect her king above all others and even without this duty she would gladly give her life to save her best friend. But that didn't happen. She hadn't given her life. Her Thom had. So had Faithful and Liam. It was Alanna's duty to die for the king, not theirs. And so, in some way, Jon had needed to prove to her that he was worthy. In her heart, Alanna knew all along that she could have never lived with herself if something had happened to him but the grief led her to question everything and everyone. Sometimes she would catch herself watching some nobleman or lady walking down the halls of the palace and think, Were you worth it? Were you worth the Shang Dragon? A Master of the Mithran Order? When she did, she felt ashamed. Roger was the one to blame. He was the one who had caused all of this misery, not these people who probably had also fought and lost loved ones.
Alanna knew she needed to get away from court. She needed to get away from the constant reminders before she turned into someone she didn't like. After the major decisions had been made in council, Alanna found that Jon's new problems did not require the input of his Champion. One day, after another long meeting, Alanna found herself staring at Lightning in the catacombs. Jon had followed her there, graciously allowing her time to visit the Bloody Hawk, knowing his friend needed a clear head and some peace.
The others understood as well. Thayet gave her a hug, telling Alanna that she need only write and Thayet would come and visit. Buri, ever vigilant, promised to do whatever she could to protect their friends and Alanna smiled, clapping her on the back. They were so alike. Coram gave her a tight hug, threatening to hunt her down if she didn't write often. Alanna was simply thankful that he didn't insist on coming with her. Perhaps he understood that she truly needed to be on her own for a little while. With the Bloody Hawk, she could find things to divert her that didn't always remind her of those she had lost. At the moment, their ghosts still haunted the palace. In the desert, Alanna hoped there would be enough land for her to ride hard and fast away from them. She didn't see this as running away, just learning to leave them in the past and to start chasing her future.
Everything was packed into Moonlight's saddle bags when she heard the stall door squeak as it swung open. She spun, stepping back into a fighting stance. He attacker simply smiled at her, raising an eyebrow.
"After Jon told us about how you beat Alex like a Shang warrior, I'm not plannin' on challengin' you anytime soon," George said amicably, leaning against the side of the stall and stuffing his hands into his breeches' pockets, "Though knives would be a different matter."
Alanna sighed, relaxing her muscles. "I was wondering when you would be by. I wasn't going to leave until I saw you."
"I wanted to say goodbye to you when we didn't have an audience. There are things you won't admit in front of them," George stared into her eyes until Alanna looked away. "You still aren't sleepin', I hear you scream from down the hall. Why didn't you come back to me?"
"I need to deal with this on my own, George. And I can't do that to you, lead you on like that. I'm messed up right now. It'll be easier if I'm alone. I don't want any collateral damage. I don't want to end up doing something stupid and push you away."
"You're pushin' right now, Lass," he pointed out shrewdly.
"No, I'm not!" she fired back, "Can't you see that? I'm giving us a chance! I'm going away so that I can find a way to be whole again! You deserve more than shards of my heart and right now that is all I can offer." Her voice softened, "Just….just give me some time. You've waited for me since I was 15. Can't you wait a little longer?" Pleading filled her violet eyes.
George's eyes softened, "I've already told you I'd wait forever. Just don't take me up on it."
Alanna, wishing to fill the distance between them, crossed the expanse of the stall and wrapped her arms around George, resting her head against his chest. She felt his arms tighten around her and his head drop to rest on top of hers. They stood like that for long moments, Alanna trying to implant the smell of him and the feel of his arms wrapped around her into her memory. Finally, she released him, stepping back.
"I'd better go if I want to make the inn by dark." She turned to finish trying the saddlebags.
"You didn't give me an answer," he said.
"I can't, George," she raised miserable eyes to her friend, "I don't know what will happen, what I'll decide. I don't know what I'll be ready for. For now at least, we'll always be friends. Maybe later things will be different. But do me a favor?"
"Name it." The pain was evident in his voice, though he tried to conceal it.
Alanna inhaled sharply. She was about to hurt him more. But she had to. "Don't hope. If I've learned anything, it's that where weapons don't work, hope can kill. Slowly and painfully. Don't hope."
With that, she mounted Moonlight and urged her past George, not daring to look into his face. As soon as she was free of the stables, she kicked Moonlight into a gallop, now trying to outrun more than ghosts.