The Same Coin

Chapter 2: Uzumaki Not-Quite-Naruto

"Do you need me to explain that this is talking?"

"What about that this is a demon talking?"

"I sure do hope people figure out that this is thinking."

"By my powers of deduction, I have discovered that this is a demon thinking!"

OHMYGODIT'SSTARTING

"Naruto, you're okay!" Kakashi shouted, landing next to his blonde student. "Where's Sasuke?"

Naruto stood, brushed off his pants, and addressed Kakashi. "Fuck if I know. Fucker tried to make me a human glove and ran his gay ass off into the forest, never to be seen again."

Kakashi blinked, but shrugged it away. Obviously, Naruto was so upset about Sasuke's betrayal that his very essence had been altered into that of a cynical, swearing asshole! Kakashi's heart broke for his only remaining semi-useful student. "Don't worry, Naruto! I'm sure we can find-"

"Never to be fuckin' seen again. Searching for him now would only, uh, be in vain. Also, I'm fuckin' hurt. Oh, the pain! I, uh, think I need immediate medical attention." Naruto turned his head and coughed into his hand several times.

"Naruto, you're fine," Kakashi said. "But if you really believe Sasuke to be lost, I suppose we might as well go back."

JESUSCHRISTIT'SAFUCKINGSCENEBREAK

Sakura stood at the village gate, patiently awaiting the imminent arrival of her one true love, Uchiha Sasuke. She imagine how he would look, holding up their teammate, Naruto. Naruto would convince him to return to her after Sasuke had beaten him within an inch of his life, and Sasuke would see how much he loved her and carry Naruto back with him because he's such a wonderful person!

Alas, 'twas not meant to be.

Her heart sank as Naruto and Kakashi sauntered up to the gate, her love nowhere to be found. "NARUTO!" she screamed, swinging her fist at him. It didn't connect, but that wasn't enough to shock her out of her fury. "WHERE IS-" Then, a crack. Sakura had been cut off when Naruto's fist lodged itself firmly into her face, breaking her nose and possibly a few teeth. She tasted blood. Definitely a few teeth.

"What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of me destroying your face. Anyway, faggot-face ran his pussy ass into the woods, never to be seen again. Before he left, he told me something though. A message for you!" Naruto coughed, and spoke in Sasuke's voice. "Tell Sakura that I hate her, and I hope she gets killed in the most painful and humiliating way possible."

Tears welled in Sakura's eyes and fell, mixing with the blood from her nose and mouth, dripping from her disfigured face freely. "Doh," she cried, unable to form the word 'No' with her mouth in such a state. "Doh! Doh, doh, DOH DOH DOH!" Sakura shrieked, running from her teammates, sobbing in shame and despair.

"Naruto..." Kakashi whispered in shock, "did Sasuke actually say that?" Kakashi thought he knew his raven-haired student, but with his defecting and Naruto's sudden changes, he wasn't sure what to think anymore.

"Hm? Yeah, he totally said that. Didn't you know how much Sasuke fuckin' hated her? It was pretty goddamn obvious, man. As soon as he wasn't required to be near her, he got the fuck out. I think he might have left just to get away from her, actually." Naruto stroked his chin in thought. "I mean, he got so much goddamn training here it was retarded, so that couldn't have been why he left. What does Orochimaru have that we don't? Fucker's got nothin'. At first I thought it might have been my fault, but then he said how much he hated Sakura and the dots connected. They made a sailboat!"

As Naruto left his sensei to return home, a conversation went on in his head.

"Sasuke didn't say that! Why are you being so mean, Raem?"

"My name's not Raem, dipshit. I lied, 'cause fuck you."

"Well I don't approve of you destroying my dead son's reputation, whoever you are. Why are you in charge, anyway?"

"I flipped a coin, and I won the coin toss. Since we're both in here though, I'll give you the title of Executive Idiot. Your new job is to make stupid fuckin' suggestions for me to ignore and call you an idiot for. Fuckin' idiot."

"Stop using language like that around my little boy, mysterious stranger!"

"One, your kid's dead and I'm controlling his body. Two, my goddamn name's Kurama, so if I hear you call me mysterious stranger again I'm gonna flip a bitch. Three, your goddamn stupid ass motherfucking semen-spawn is FUCKING DEAD YOU DUMB CUNT."

OHMANTHISCHAPTER'SOVERTHATWASALOTOFSWEARING

There. Got bored, wrote for a while, cursed a lot. End result: COMEDY?