I wake up to the blinding rays of the sun. The light melts my pupils even though my eyelids are still glued together. If that wasn't enough I hear muffled shouting downstairs, my mother seems to be wailing at me to get out of the house. Our relationship isn't the best; it's not even good. I'm actually quite surprised I haven't been disowned by now despite the constant bickering. Whenever my mom speaks to me she tends to raise her voice far beyond necessary. I can tell she's annoyed. I'm a failure of a son, quoting her own words. My father also thinks this way, I'm a disappointment to him; how could I forget? I'm reminded constantly.
Groaning, I slowly peel the blanket off my body and begin tidying up. Today is the first day of school, something I've been dreading very intensely this past month. Perhaps I'm a little anxious, which could be the reason for all of my troubles; been messed up all month, barely able to think or function without worrying about the new school year. Going back to that school just doesn't sound pleasant.
Normally, Rex would be beside me as I sleep, but I couldn't stand to look at him. Starting from the very first day of break, I ruthlessly stuffed him in a drawer. He stayed there, untouched the entire summer vacation. That may not have been the most rational or nicest thing to do to an old companion, however I couldn't control myself. The primal act was so invigorating at the time. I wasn't able to properly control my emotions and acted upon them in a fit of rage. I feel a little dejected treating him in such a manner, but showing remorse to an inanimate object? Ugh, I'm pitiful. I can't seem to catch a break from my own self-loathing.
I abandon Rex as I walk to the restroom. Staring at the mirror, my face was unrecognizable. I looked horrible; my eyes are red and puffy, and wrinkles were pressed onto my forehead. The back of my hair wasn't in its usual curl, but instead sort of flattened. The bed-head doesn't look too bad. In fact maybe going flat haired this year sounds like a good change – a way to usher in a new me. I always seem to be confused for Andy Samberg with this accursed hair. It was always annoying when people kept mentioning that distinction to me.
I felt like a zombie. Needing to get rid of that feeling, I jump into the shower, contemplating of how I should go about the rest of the day. The little appearance changes shouldn't really cause too much of an alarm with my friends. There was no reason to prompt them of unneeded attention. In fact, I didn't want to see them at all; I could just ignore them, I really wanted to. But I can't will myself to do that, they're my friends and they don't deserve to be ignored. How ironic, I'm usually the one that's ignored.
Leaving the shower, fresh and clear-headed, I dress in a nicely fitted casual black top and regular dark jeans; my clothes are also a different style than what I'm used to. For once I could actually appreciate and admire myself, somewhat. I look at my reflection with a slight smile, "Man, I look... good". I wonder how long that feeling will last. Turning away from the mirror, I take these last moments to bask in the peak of my self-confidence. I once again set forth on that familiar pathway towards hell.
The campus was surprisingly desolate, almost always would there be a crowd gathered among dancers and performers near the Asphalt Café, but it's empty. I guess I'm early, but there's comfort in that, less people gives me more time to think and be in seclusion. I just wanted time to gather my thoughts. Since it's the first day of school it's common to be overwhelmed from excitement and apprehension, but that doesn't really apply to me. Today, I wanted to just daydream – to be lost in my own thoughts, not to worry about the upcoming school year. Rather, I wanted to experience blank thoughts.
Even the main hall was empty; my friends are also nowhere to be found, weird as they're usually idling around Tori's locker. But that's none of my concern; isolation from them felt natural, having lockers so far away just emphasizes that point. Well, Jade's locker is right next to mine, but frankly she frightens me. Jade and I aren't even in good terms, although sometimes I wish we could get along. I feel like I'm that one person in every group of friends whom everyone knows very little of. I'm someone that's not known well enough to have a face-to-face conversation. Sure that's gotten better over the years; my awkwardness has since decreased ever so slightly, but it's still hard to talk to them.
Jade really amazes me. With the way she is and how she acts, it's only logical she'd be in a similar situation to me. But that's not the case, it's not even close. She can socialize; she can technically get along with everyone, she can be a friend. While I'm just that awkward puzzle piece that no ones' ever known where to place until the very end.
My eyes linger to my locker, a mosaic of baby bottle nipples. I've said once before it brought me back to happier times, to when I was just a baby; my mother and I never fought back then, we were happy – so happy. But now? I can't even look at it; I don't want to look at it. The feeling hasn't changed ever since sophomore year. Is it possible to change the design? Maybe I'll talk to Helen about it later. Right now I'm content having my head stuffed inside of it, resting there with the remainder of my body just hanging outside. In fact, I stayed there until the bell rang for first period. I don't know how much time passed since I got to school or how long I spent in that locker. I think I might have dozed off.
Peering out, I didn't see many people, they seem to be scattering off to their classes. I'm a little late, but Sikowitz is very forgiving, or maybe he just doesn't care. Whatever though, it's Sikowitz, the guy's absolutely insane. I walk into the class, and there everyone is; the gang in the front, and the reactors in the back, just how it always is.
"Well hellooo, Robbie, glad you can join us." Sikowitz says in that familiar clown-like tone. It came off a bit sarcastic.
"Sorry I'm late, I kinda fell asleep." I give a sheepish grin, I'm sure someone must have seen me. I glance around the room; my assumptions weren't too outlandish as I see people contort their faces into a silent smirk. "You looked like an idiotic ostrich" The retort got more than a few chuckles out of everyone in the class. It was embarrassing to say the least, especially since the commenter was none other than Tori Vega.
When Tori first transferred to this school, she was lost in the novelty of it all; you could have called her timid back then, at least more so than she is now. Timid isn't really a good description for Tori since she has always been outgoing. Even back then, when she was still trying to make friends, I was unable to talk to her. I experienced very little female interaction which consequently explains my social failure. Talking to girls usually ends with me tripping over my words, and most of the time, even my own feet. Socializing with Tori was no exception. Those situations really accentuate my awkwardness.
My lips pursed into a thin line and I tried to dodge eye contact with her, gazing around the room, eyes lingering on everything but Tori. Trying to avoid her was tough; she's a bit invasive, and if you really think about it, she's rude. I didn't want to give her any attention though; I was hurt. Normally a little teasing isn't a big deal, yet I'm feeling like a little girl. Cursing under my breath, my feet stumble across the room towards my seat. How pathetic, why am I so sensitive? I could really use that self-confidence from earlier this morning. Unfortunately, life just doesn't give you what you want, when you want it. What's sad is that I'm hoping for something that obviously won't happen.
Thankfully, I wasn't pestered sitting down. By no means was I free from their banter, or my misery.
"You looked pretty good this morning, maybe you should do that more often." Jade grinned, giving off her usual condescending aura. "Honestly, everyone likes you better stuffed in that locker."
How typical of Jade. How typical of Robbie. My throat tightens, tears ready to burst, I struggle trying to fight any sudden burst of emotion. What kind of man would I be, crying in public? I wouldn't be perceived as one, but it's not like anyone ever thought I was in the first place. Not treated like a man, not even as a friend. I face forward, only Sikowitz can see my face, and by the way he's looking at me I'm sure he knows how I'm feeling. Regardless, he's not one to empathize.
A burning sensation... it encompassed my entire body. Jaws locked, unable to open; dry. Throat constricting. Eyes burning, unblinking. Temperature rising. It hurt. I blinked.
Then, just as suddenly as it happened, it all stopped. I remain quiet, ignoring what was around me. They were heckling for attention. My eyes are closed, I'm not going to give them any; they won't become part of my thoughts, they aren't part of my world at the moment. The rest of the period passed quickly as a blur. I don't really remember what happened, I can only visualize blobs of color and a cacophony of chatter. That state of being seemed to carry on even after class. I was lost, and losing grip of reality; unable to discern my surroundings.
Lunch was hardly different. I sat alone, outside, vaguely recalling a conversation with the group about eating at Nozu. I wasn't partial to the idea, although it's too late now even if I had a change of heart. Around me were the obnoxious cackles of students I didn't know. The noises pierced my thoughts, becoming unable to think. My face met the table, resorting to the only acceptable action – sleep, once again. Surprisingly, I was actually exhausted; sleeping was a mere jest, but fatigue unexpectedly hit my body. Hopefully it'll get rid of the insanity lingering in my thoughts.
The world was becoming bleak, fading unto itself. The table morphed into a blue blotch of color, mixing with the patch of gray concrete. It swirled, objects of color became entwined, my vision became blurry, everything was homogenized and gradually disappearing into the darkness. Black. Pitch black. It was frightening. Visualizing being stranded in a room by myself, I couldn't see around me, but I didn't need to. The only thing in this room was me, and the only things I could hear were my own noises. The beating of my heart: the sound of my breath, the ruffling of clothes, the claustrophobia – all amplified, all around me. And that's when I begin to choke on the air I was breathing.
White, piercing white and blinding. It was horrible. I was waking again. Brought into the world by a sharp pain concentrated into one area of my back. My neck snapped backwards straining to look at who or what could have possibly been causing me this discomfort. I was greeted by the cheery, grinning face of Cat Valentine. Astonished is a good word to describe how I'm feeling, maybe a little happy. I groaned audibly, which Cat took rather offensively; her lips scrunched together, forming the slightest frown. It was impossible to tell she was even frowning if I wasn't so fixated on her face.
"What are you doing here?"
"I didn't really feel like going to Nozu." Her emotions quickly lifted, returning to her normal, bubbly self.
"I thought you loved sushi." Huh, we were having a pretty tame conversation. Usually with Cat, she would spout things that didn't make sense more than half the time. She would also go on tangents about her brother, which I didn't really want to hear about, but she insists on these stories and I can't really stop her from speaking. Rather, I can't get myself to stop her from speaking.
"Yeah! But I wanted to spend time with my good buddy, Robbie." I rest my elbow on the table with the palm of my hand supporting my chin. I inquisitively look at Cat, bewildered at her statement. That's something I didn't think I'd ever hear, at least not sarcastically anyways. But Cat's always been a welcome presence, she's probably the only person that's really nice to me. She's that way with everyone though.
"I don't know why you'd want to do that." I sigh into my hand. Cat might have reacted to that little gesture, she leaned closer towards me, a little too close. It's not an action I'm going to argue over though, I really enjoy her random outbursts of friendliness. Maybe she's going to hug me, I always love receiving those.
"Because you've been acting weird, Cat's here to cheer you up!" She said with her incessant giggling. I have been acting weird though, haven't been feeling too great either. I'm not really doing a great job of covering up either fact, the last thing I need is for them to pity me.
"You're the weird one."
"What's that supposed to mean?!" Hearing that really made me smile, such a familiar sentence. I don't know why that statement makes me happy, but Cat invokes a sense of childish joy to those around her. It's indescribable how pure her character is, and it's amazing how she can engulf you in her bliss. Although at times she can be a handful, it's not nearly as overwhelming.
Usually talking with a girl causes me to stumble over my words like a bumbling idiot, but with Cat it's a lot different. It's not that I don't find her girlish, in fact I do, I even find her to be incredibly pretty. I think it's because I've known her for quite a while, and we've always been on good terms that it turned out like this. I'm thankful for our relationship, I'd go on a limb and say she's my best friend out of everyone. It's also safe to say that I may be comfortable with her because she's not like most girls, she's undeniably weird.
"It means I think you're cute."
"Well thanks!" Cat stifled a laughter, covering her mouth with her hand, in a polite motion. I smiled back at her. She stopped, and looked at me. I cocked my head, as if to question her.
"Where's Rex?" Now comes the part where I actually do stumble on my words. Looks like I lied to myself, Cat is making me trip over my words, just like any other girl, and in one fell swoop too. What do I say to her? This is exactly what I didn't want. I don't want to mention Rex, I'm trying to be a completely new person without him. It's proving to be difficult escaping my former self. So I lie, or bend the truth, the latter keeps my conscience at ease.
"Uhh... he's sick at the house, I've been feeling kind of under the weather too." It doesn't seem like she's buying the story, I wouldn't either, he's a puppet. But why am I trying to keep the truth about Rex from Cat? I think she'd be happy if I told her I was trying to change who I am, to live without Rex. Yet, that's exactly why I don't want to tell her. My friends have always been pressuring me to live a life without Rex, and I really didn't want to associate with people that couldn't accept his presence, my coping method, even after a few years now. It was my way of trying to be normal, at the time. I know that it has always been weird, but I've come to terms with using him as a way to mediate my true thoughts. I also don't want to give them any satisfaction, despite being right about its adverse affects on me. Cat's included, although she may not be directly linked to my stress, she's grouped by association. I'm getting kind of sick thinking about her.
I stand up, not saying a word to her. I hold my hand to my mouth, rushing out of the cafe. I wasn't really going to vomit, it was just a message to Cat, hoping she'd figure I wasn't feeling well. I wanted to get out of there fast, I was done socializing and was ready to ditch the rest of school and sleep. It's not like me to skip classes, but I needed to get away.