June 27,
Where to start? Well, it's been a while since my last real journal entry. I struggled with buying a journal for almost a week, before I finally just gave up and bought a plain, spiral notebook. I'm kind of a coward, obviously, but the idea of buying anything with the word "journal" plastered on the front was too humiliating. Therefore, spiral notebook it is.
So, yeah. I told Ino the truth. I told her about the drunken copulation, although, I'll admit, I didn't go into great detail. I don't think she was really interested. For the record, Ino wasn't in the best mood when I told her. She'd been moping around all day, every day. I was trying to catch her during an "up" time, until I finally realized she wasn't going to be having any of those any time soon. At any rate, by the time I was done spilling my guts, Ino. Was. PISSED.
Oh, yes. Completely pissed. All right, it's true. I took advantage of the girl while she was unable to defend herself, got her pregnant, and lied to her about it. I'm not exactly the hero of this story. But Ino just ignored the points I made about her being drunk and coming on to me. I'd say that we both need to take some responsibility for the situation we're in right now.
Try telling that to Ino. As far as she's concerned, she was the innocent virgin just trying to get upstairs to bed when the incubus, me, attacked her and disappeared into the night, leaving her virtue in tatters and her womb filled with demon seed.
No, I'm not exaggerating. Most of those words came right out of her mouth during her two-hour tirade. Okay, she never referred to my sperm as "demon seed;" I did embellish that part.
Oh, and she hit me. A lot. I didn't even try to defend myself. I feel like I deserve most of what I got. She really hurt her hand, but she wouldn't let me look at it. (Turned out she fixed it herself, later.) So now I have a black (green) eye and a mostly healed split lip, among several other less outwardly noticeable injuries.
But, before I had entered Ino's room, I had resolved that I wouldn't leave until I told her everything. You know what I'm talking about.
So when Ino was finally tired of screaming and punching, and she was just sitting there, looking like her face was on fire, I emasculated myself further. I told her, and I didn't soften it or preface it or anything. I just blurted it out, like this:
"I love you, Ino."
Oh, and I threw in a "don't kill me" at the end.
I...wouldn't say it went over badly exactly, but it also wasn't the weeping, clinging, protestation of devotion that I was stupid enough to allow myself to fantasize about. Instead, she got this vacant look in her eyes, like I had just said one thing too many. She sat there that way for so long I was starting to get worried about catatonia. But when I poked her she glared at me, so I knew she was okay. Then I started talking. I said that I knew she probably didn't love me back, but that was okay because I was going to be there for her and be her friend and take care of her and the baby and yadda, yadda, yadda. I'm not saying "yadda" because I didn't mean it; I really did. I meant every damn word I said. But I'm sure it sounded like "yadda, yadda" to her. Anyway, I groveled a little and said everything I could think of to say, everything I've been holding in and that I thought she might need to hear. Then I left her there to think. She didn't take the opportunity to hurl something at me while my back was turned, so I decided to take that as a good sign.
Somehow, she managed to avoid me for three straight days. I didn't see her once. Near the end, I casually asked about her to Yamanaka-san, but the woman just started wringing her hands and flapping around. So she obviously knows something's up.
Then I caught a glimpse of Ino disappearing into her room, and she was crying. But at least I knew she was alive. I thought about knocking on the door, but I didn't. See again: coward. I started running into her here and there, but she always ignored me; until last night. I was passing her in the hall on my way to my room and she got right in my way. She kept her eyes on the floor but she sort of mumbled, "sorry I hit you."
I wanted to hold her so badly. I wanted to put my arms around her and tell her everything was going to be okay. She looks so depressed. But I didn't, and she ran off before I could think again. I don't think it would have been a good idea, anyway.
So, that's where we are today. At this point I've had to really reconcile myself to the fact that Ino doesn't love me back. Oh, I know I've said that before, but there was always a small part of me that was hoping I was wrong. I wasn't wrong. I have absolutely no reason to believe that Ino is harboring any feelings toward me other than anger and, perhaps, a small amount of guilt. And a lot of regret.
But I will be here if she needs me. I refuse to let Ino go through this by herself, to put herself through that much stress. She's going to have to do a lot more than punch me if she wants me to leave her alone. And that's that.
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July 3,
My face is starting to look a lot better, so that's good. Another good thing, I guess: Ino spoke to me over dinner last night. She said, "Pass the dumplings."
The tension in this house is palpable. Ino's walking around like the living dead, Yamanaka-san seems like she's one small start from a heart attack, and my parents are utterly clueless as to what the hell is going on. I'm sure that I'm worrying them. I don't know what to do. I almost think that Ino needs to tell them about the baby, but I don't think she will until she comes to grips with it herself. I guess I could tell my parents, but I'm not sure it's my secret to tell. I'm very confused about this.
But something definitely needs to happen, and soon. We got a letter from Ino's dad yesterday; he's coming home next week. I wish he wouldn't. Even though living here feels like living on death row right now, I can't imagine it without Ino. How can I "be there for her" if she's gone? How will I know how she's doing?
It's unrealistic, I know, but I wish she could stay here forever.
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July 6,
The last three days have been pure, unadulterated hell for me. Somehow, I've had this "happy" little scenario in my brain where Ino realizes she needs me (even if she never loves me) and we get married and raise our baby and live happily (if weirdly) ever after. But it finally occurred to me, genius that I am, that that is not what's going to happen.
What is going to happen is this: Ino's going to go home. Her mom will probably help her take care of the baby. Ino will get older and even more beautiful, fall in love with some guy who's more than happy to marry her and raise my child, and I will be sitting here alone, trying to be content with visitation rights.
I want to die.
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July 9,
Ino came to me yesterday. We had a good talk, I guess. She apologized again for wailing on me, I apologized again for impregnating her. Good start, right?
Basically, she came to a decision about the baby, and about me. She decided that she's afraid to tell her parents that she's pregnant without having someone to back her up. She wants us to present a united front. In other words, she wants us to tell our parents together. She's going to tell them that we screwed around, she got pregnant, but we don't plan to stay together; we're just going to be friends. She's conveniently going to leave out the drinking part.
I, for one, hate this plan for reasons innumerable. But I will attempt to numerate them, anyway. Why not.
1. I don't get to be with Ino.
2. I don't get to be with the baby.
3. It makes me look like an asshole.
4. 4 is related to 3. Inoichi is going to kill me. I am going to die. I asked for it, and now it's going to happen. All that remains to be seen is how I will die. The phrase "suffocated on his own testicles" keeps popping into my head. And if anything is left of me when Ino's dad is done, I'm sure my own father will take care of the rest. Good God.
I mean, on that point, I'm actually better off this way. Much better than Ino's dad finding out what really happened; at least it looks like she was a conscious participant. But, somehow, I doubt he'll be thinking of it that way.
But there's hope for me; the second part of Ino's plan. We're going to tell our parents tomorrow night, before Inoichi gets home, and leave that part up to her mom. She admits that she's being a baby about it, but she just can't tell her dad. She says she's "his little girl," whatever that means. That is very good. It means that Dad will have first shot at me. I'm hoping that, as my father, he'll have the mercy to end it quickly.
So that's the plan. Tomorrow's the big day, and Inoichi will be home Thursday. I wish I could warp through this week and appear on the other side.
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July 10,
That...was weird. Tonight went so much better than I could have hoped for. Ino did all the talking, and, to her credit, she didn't start out by pointing her finger and shouting, "Shikamaru got me pregnant!" She was pretty diplomatic; she really knows how to talk her way out of trouble. I think it helped that our parents were just glad to see her acting "alive" again. The only one that seemed really upset was my mother. Ino's mom looked totally relieved; maybe she thought Ino was terminal? And strangest of all was my dad. He looked like...it's hard to believe, but he looked like he was trying not to laugh.
I don't know what to do about Mom. Of the three, I thought she'd be the one with the least reason to be mad.
All in all, though, I'm pretty relieved. The only one that remains to be informed is Ino's dad. But he's the scariest one.
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July 12,
Inoichi came and took his family home today. He looked so happy to finally be back. Funny. All I feel like doing is crying.
I already miss Ino. I hate the idea of her being pregnant and alone, and I hate not being able to keep an eye on her. I suppose she has her mother now, but I don't see how it can be the same.
My unexpected ally in this whole sorry affair is my dad. He patted me on the shoulder this morning and told me not to worry, because he was going to take care of Inoichi. I have no idea what that would entail, but it's way more support than I could have expected from him. He looked a little concerned for the first time. I'm sure he feels responsible. He brought Inoichi's family here to protect them, and Ino ended up far from the perfect state that she was left in. I hope that their friendship doesn't come to an end because of me.
One way or another, my life has become a countdown. I'm either counting down to my death at the hands of Ino's dad, or the birth of my child. I wish I could feel optimistic about either. Even if dad says something to Inoichi to keep him from killing me, he can't do anything to influence Ino. And I'm not sure living sounds like all that much fun without her.
Did I really just say that? I'm getting so emo.
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July 15,
In case you were wondering, I'm still alive.
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July 22,
Today was one of those "readjust your entire worldview" kind of days. My mom came and talked to me. She's been huffing around ever since we broke the news, and been even harder to get along with than usual. Well, today, she wasn't angry. When she came into my room to "have a talk," she looked resolved. I won't go into the details of the talk, but the jist of it was this: my parents got married because my mom was pregnant. With me.
Um, yeah. That's a cool thing to learn about your folks. I mean nauseating. I don't want to think about it.
She reassured me that they loved and respected each other and so forth, but still, it's pretty jarring. I guess Mom was so annoyed because I made the same mistake that she and Dad did. Except I didn't, really, but I can't tell her that. I mean, she and Dad were already together at that time. (Still trying not to think about it.) I wish I'd been that smart.
I guess that's why Dad's being so understanding. He's been there. He's been that "stupid guy."
Since she told me that, she's been downright friendly. I haven't told either of my parents that I'm desperately in love with a woman who doesn't want me, and I can't imagine a scenario where I would, so they don't completely know where I'm coming from. But they're being supportive, all things considered. It's kind of nice. I guess.
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July 26,
It's been two weeks since I've seen Ino. I'd give anything to wake up to the sound of her makeup being dumped out on my desk.
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July 29,
I couldn't take it anymore. I went to Ino's house today. I knew I was taking my life into my hands, but I did it anyway. I really wanted to see her, to see how she's doing.
Ino's mom answered the door. She hugged me when I came in. That was weird.
Ino's dad just stared at me. I never saw him blink, but, then again, I wasn't stupid enough to make eye contact with him. I was starting to think that lightning bolts might shoot out of his eyes and fry me.
Then there was Ino. She didn't look angry that I showed up. She was...cordial. I asked her to go for a walk with me, and her dad actually stood up to stop her. But Ino just walked past him and onto her porch. I followed her before he could kill me.
We walked for a little while, but there wasn't really anywhere to go, so we just ended up at the Memorial. Once again, we had the very unusual situation of me talking and Ino listening. I have to say, I kind of hate it. I mean, maybe I wouldn't if the situation were different...I don't know.
I didn't have that much to say, honestly. I don't want to drive her crazy by repeating myself over and over. She knows how I feel, and saying it again isn't going to make her feel the same way.
But I did ask her to let me be her friend, and be there for her while the baby's growing. She said she'd have to think about it. It will probably take a while for her to forgive me, but I think she will, eventually. She isn't enraged anymore, and that's awesome.
I'm selfish. I don't want to miss out on a single moment of Ino's life, or the life of our child. But I'll settle for less, if I have to. I'll take whatever I can get, no matter how pathetic it makes me look. I don't care.
But more is definitely better than less.
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August 5,
Random Note: Kurenai asked about the journal today. I told her I'd filled it and started a second one. I think that made her really happy.
Kurenai's son is getting pretty big. He's walking now. It's so strange; I never thought I'd have a kid that's close in age to Asuma's, close enough that they'll grow up together.
Life can be so surprising.
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August 14,
I went to Sand last week. I haven't been there for a while. Chouji and I took several documents to the Kazekage for Tsunade. Pretty uneventful.
A few times, I started to tell Chouji about Ino. But I never did. I sometimes think it would be good to talk to another human about her, but that's really just a theory. It's not anything I would ever do, if I didn't have to.
The reality is, this whole situation is ridiculous. Just the thought of trying to explain it to someone...yeah. Sometimes I imagine baring my soul to my best friend and it makes me laugh out loud. It seems like such a girly thing to do. (Girlier than writing about it in a diary. Ha.) I guess Chouji will have to know about it sooner or later, and so will everyone in Konoha. This isn't exactly something that just stays a secret. And I think it's only fair that Chouji know before every other Tom, Dick, and Harry in the village. But it's not likely that he'll hear it from me. I just can't do it. Sorry, Chouji.
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August 20,
Argh. I miss Ino so much. And I'm so tired of my own whining. I need something new to think about, something new to write about. But there's nothing. My life is completely wrapped up in that woman. Shougi can only distract a man so much. I've been training twice as often, to try and take my mind off of her. Nothing's working.
Maybe I'll pick up some classes at the Academy again. I don't know if they need teachers right now, but I need something else to do besides...pine. Gah.
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August 25,
Wow. Ino came to see me today. She looks absolutely beautiful. She wasn't wearing any makeup at all, and she's gained a little bit of weight. Also, it may be my imagination, but I think I detect a hint of a bump. It's hard to be sure, because she isn't wearing those tight clothes anymore. That's telling enough on it's own, I guess.
She was very nice. She brought me some cookies, which were delicious. I'm accepting them as edible forgiveness.
She said she wants to see me more often. Yes, you heard that right. She misses me. She said she wants me to "go through the pregnancy" with her. Moment of honesty: I have no idea what the hell that means. Maybe, go to her doctor's appointments or something? Whatever. I don't care, I'll do whatever she wants. She was very clear: she is not trying to start a relationship. But, ultimately, we are friends. We've been teammates for a long time, and we work well together, despite our differences. We've always driven each other crazy, but we've always supported one another, as well. She doesn't see any reason to change that now, and she wants things to go back to normal, she says.
Sounds good to me. I'm glad she's being sweet and all, but, in reality, I won't believe things are "back to normal" until she starts nagging me again. I'll be looking forward to it.
Well, this notebook's full, already. Until the next one:
-N.S.