You all delight and amaze. Thank you. And now, for some necessary angst.

I own nothing, and am in no way connected to ABC. I wouldn't say "no" to a job writing for Castle, however.

"Hey, boss? Beckett? Boss, wakeup."

Beckett's eyes fluttered open to see Ryan standing in front of her, holding a cup of coffee. "What?"

"You fell asleep," Ryan told her, setting the coffee down in front of her. "Your shift's over, so I thought I'd wake you up."

"Oh," Beckett rubbed her eyes tiredly. "How long was I out?"

"Few hours," Ryan told her. "No one needed to get a hold of you, we were keeping an eye out."

"Thank you," Beckett reached out, grabbed the coffee, sipped it, and then tried to sit up, wincing. "Ow, okay, sleeping at your desk is not a good idea," she twisted her back, trying to get it to loosen up. She mentally added "desk naps" to the list of things that you couldn't do at 47. "You guys would have woken me up if anyone had needed me, right?"

"Of course. We just didn't want to have to because…" Ryan searched for the right words. "I don't know, you looked troubled when you came back from your jail break. We figured you probably needed the sleep."

"You guys have been treating me with kid gloves ever since I got this job," Beckett said, giving him the cop version of a thank you.

"We're just worried that, you know, without us to come and save you several times a month when you get yourself in too deep that you might panic. We don't want the stress to become too much for you," Ryan threw a barb back.

Beckett grinned and took another sip of coffee.

"So…" Ryan's face sobered up again. "Where were you yesterday? You didn't look happy when you got back."

"I was, um," Beckett took a deep breath. "I was with Castle."

Ryan blinked at her a few times. "…I'm sorry, did you just say Castle? As in, Richard Castle? The author?"

Beckett nodded slowly, sipping more coffee.

Ryan held up the "one minute" sign, and stuck his head out the door of the office. "Hey, Javi!"

Esposito looked up. "Yeah, bro?"

Ryan motioned for him to get up and come into the office.

Esposito obeyed, closing the file he was looking at and making his way to the office. "Yo."

"Guess who Beckett saw on her break yesterday?"

"It's really not that big of a deal," Beckett muttered.

"Kinda is," Ryan stated.

"Depends on who it was," Esposito told his partner.

"It was Castle."

Esposito was silent for a moment, and then directed his attention to Beckett. "Yeah, that's kind of a big deal. You went and saw him?"

Beckett sighed. They weren't going to give it up until she told them everything. "No, I didn't go to see him, we just…ran into each other."
"Where?" Ryan furrowed his eyebrows. "Castle was never on this side of town unless he was here or out with you."

"This little coffee shop on 42nd and Lexington," Beckett explained. "I walked in to get a cup and he was just…sitting there in a booth. We said hello, I went to leave, and he asked me to stay."

"And you actually stayed?" Esposito asked incredulously. "Why the hell should you do anything he asks you to?"

"It's been fourteen years, Espo," Beckett shrugged a bit. "And I'm tired of being angry."

Esposito and Ryan exchanged a look, and then Ryan asked, "Well…how is he?"

"He seemed okay, from what I could tell," Beckett said, running her thumb over the handle of her mug. "He got a little weird when I asked him about writing, but other than that he seemed good. Alexis has a kid now. He's two."

Esposito groaned and plugged his ears for a second. "I don't want to hear shit like that, last time I saw her she was 18."

Ryan put a hand on his shoulder. "We're old, bro."

Esposito shrugged it off. "Maybe you're old, but I'm not old."
"You're the oldest of all of us," Ryan reminded him.

"I'm not old!" Esposito insisted.

"55 is closer to 60 than 50," Ryan taunted.

"Don't be ridiculous," Esposito glared at him. "It's right in the middle."

"But your birthday is in May."

"So?"

"So, that makes your half birthday in September, making you actually 55 and a half, meaning you're closer to 60 than 50."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
"You could qualify for some senior citizen discounts."

"That's 65."

"No, I'm pretty sure some places do 55. Hey, you qualify for AARP if you retire."

"You do too, jackass, so don't go there."

Ryan grinned and looked back at Beckett, deciding to stop torturing his partner. "So, are you going to see him again?"

"Maybe," Beckett shrugged. "I gave him my number. I guess if he doesn't call, I'll know whatever I did to make him leave was completely unforgivable."

Esposito gave her a sad smile and said, "Well, whatever happens, we got you. Even if we are old."

"You're old."

"Bro, you wanna do this right now? Really? Right now?"

Beckett laughed. "None of us are old, and I'll be okay. Thank you though."

Esposito's phone rang in his pocket and he pulled it out. "Esposito…yeah…yeah, okay, where you guys headed? Sure, we'll be right there," he said into the phone, and then hung up. "They got a bit of a situation at 64th and Broadway, want us to come down as soon as we can."

Ryan nodded. "We'll see you tonight, right?"

Beckett shook her head. "I'm pulling a graveyard tonight, you guys should be long gone unless something weird happens with your case to keep you here."

Ryan scoffed. "Yeah, well, this thing keeps getting weirder and weirder, so we just might have to stick around."

Beckett eyed them. "You would tell me if things were getting risky, right?"

Esposito and Ryan exchanged another look, but stayed silent.

Beckett leaned forward and lowered her voice. "Look, I know I'm not a detective any more but…" she shook her head. "But I'm your captain now, and that means I can help you. My loyalties haven't changed; you just have to tell me what's going on and what you need me to do.

"We'll be fine," Esposito assured her. "But uh…thanks. We know you'd help us."

"Good," Beckett nodded. "Alright, you guys better get going."

The duo bid her goodbye in stereo, and then left.

As soon as they were gone, her thoughts drifted back to Castle – where they had been stuck all last night as well. She may have been tired of being angry, but that didn't stop the rest of the feelings that had come That Night and following it. Confusion and longing had been the top two. And now they were back with a vengeance.

Beckett gathered her things slowly and made her way out of the building. It seemed strangely fitting that the weather that morning was similar to what it was That Night. Rainy, chilly, a bit windy. The kind of weather that made you want to go inside and curl up on the couch, the kind that drove that internal instinct to get cozy.

It made it impossible for her not to relive it again as she drove home.

Beckett got home and dumped her things on her coffee table, thoroughly exhausted. The case had taken so much out of her – it wasn't every case that she had to deal with an act of terror. Too much death, too much sadness, and too many things it brought up that she just didn't want to think about. Like telling Castle how she felt. She knew it was time – and the case had certainly been illuminating if not morbid - and she knew that he felt the same way.

Or so she thought.

She had only just sat down and slipped off her shoes when her phone rang in her pocket. She pulled it out, and smiled when she saw Castle's face lighting up the front of her phone. "Hey Castle," she answered. "You change your mind about that drink?"

"Are you home?" Castle asked, his voice was stony. Measured.

"Um, yeah, I just got in, I-"

"I'm coming over," Castle cut her off.

"O-okay," Beckett was about to say something, but then reminded herself that she should be used to Castle showing up at her apartment uninvited. "Do you want me to order takeout or something?"

"No," he said shortly, and then hung up.

Confused, Beckett pulled her phone away from her ear. "Just thought you might be hungry," she mumbled at the phone, tossing it on the cushion next to her.

He had sounded off. Angry. Or hurt. Maybe both. She didn't think that he had any reason to be. Everything had been going fine, hadn't it? They were closer than ever, Alexis was enjoying her internship, Frozen Heat was almost finished, they caught the killer again…

No, she was sure she had just misunderstood. He was probably just coming over to talk about what they had both been on the verge of admitting at the precinct. Maybe the tone in his voice was nerves. He wanted to come here before he changed his mind. That must be it.

Beckett got up from the couch and went into the bathroom to do a little work on her hair (there was nothing wrong with wanting to look good while telling the man you loved how you felt) and tried to ignore the knot slowly forming in her stomach. This was really it. She was finally ready to tell him everything, let down her damned walls.

She would be a liar if she said she wasn't nervous.

About ten minutes later, there was a knock at her door. For some reason, even his knock sounded different. It wasn't rapid and almost cheery like it usually was. This one was slow. Three, evenly spaced, slow, heavy knocks.

Beckett swallowed hard, and went to open the door. She swung it open, and felt herself grin when she laid eyes on him. "Hey, come on in," she stepped back and opened the door wider so that he could come in.

Castle said nothing, but walked through the door, and then stood only a few steps into her living room.

"Why don't you sit down, Rick?" Beckett continued to smile at him.

"I'd rather not," Castle said carefully.

Beckett scanned his face for some clue as to what he was feeling, but came up empty. His face was purposefully blank, and it wasn't a look she enjoyed. "Well, do you want a drink or something?" she tried.

"No. Listen, Beckett, we need to talk," Castle said, getting straight to the point.

"We do," Beckett nodded, attempting to ignore the way him using her last name again made her nervous. "I was thinking about what you said, about the chances that those people are never goi-"

"Let me go first," Castle interrupted. He didn't add "please", he didn't apologize for cutting her off, he just stared at her, all traces of warmth gone from his eyes.

Beckett hesitated, and then nodded. Oh, no. Something was definitely wrong.

Castle looked away, swallowed hard, and then said, "I can't shadow you anymore."

The words fell on Beckett's ears, but she couldn't completely process them. This was the exact opposite of how she expected this conversation to go. "What?" she asked quietly.
"I can't shadow you anymore," Castle repeated. "I…no. I just can't."

"Why?" Beckett asked, an edge of desperation now laced in with her voice. "Of course you can, why wouldn't you be able to?"

"Because I don't want to," Castle brought his eyes up and locked them onto hers. He shrugged.

"You love the precinct," Beckett tried. "Come on, Rick, please, don't be…silly, or whatever it is that you're being right now."

"I'm being serious. I'm done with all of it, there's nothing of interest for me there any more," Castle picked a loose thread off of his shirt. "My fascination has subsided."

"You were into it just yesterday!" Beckett exclaimed, her voice rising a bit in volume. "That's crap!"

"Think what you want, it doesn't really matter to me," Castle said coldly. "I won't be showing up tomorrow, or writing any more Nikki Heat books. I already collected my things from your desk, so you don't have to deal with that. You're free to do whatever."

Beckett felt tears well up in her eyes. "You can't do this to me, Rick," she swallowed hard, trying to keep them from brimming over. "Please."

Castle said nothing, just continued to look at her.

To Beckett's dismay, tears began to spill over and onto her cheeks. She wiped them away angrily and tried again, "Clearly, there is something bothering you, because you don't do things like this. Please, just tell me what it is and I promise you, I will do anything and everything in my power to fix it. Whatever it is. But you have to tell me what you're upset about."
"I'm not upset," Castle said with a heartbreaking kind of indifference. "You're the only one upset here, Detective Beckett. I'm fine." He held up his palms.

"The hell you are!" Beckett now yelled. Maybe it was the hard case, maybe it was how much she cared, but she couldn't help how emotional she was getting. "People don't just abandon each other if they're not upset! Not after everything we've been through!" She swallowed hard and brushed away more tears. She lowered her volume, "Please, you can't just leave me. You're…you're the best friend I have. And…more. I can tell you all about that but you have to stay. We can work this out, but you have to tell me what I need to do."

Castle fought the desperate urge to hug her and apologize profusely that was building inside of him. He stuffed it deep down inside of himself, and kept his face even. He didn't even offer her a tissue. "There's nothing to do, Detective," he told her frostily. "I just don't care about it any more."

"What happened to 'always'?" Beckett whispered, her green eyes full of tears and anger; hurt splayed on every feature of her face.

Castle shrugged again, putting his hands in his pockets. "Things change."

"'Always' means it won't," Beckett snapped.

Castle studied her for a minute, and with almost a hint of an angry smile, he said, "I guess I lied."

Beckett's jaw clenched harder, and she scolded herself internally for crying.

"If that's all, I'll be going now," he walked to her door and opened it. "You'll get over it soon enough," he said, and then shut the door behind him.

Beckett stood there for a few minutes after, tears streaming down her cheeks, shocked to her very core, hearing the ring of the door shutting behind him reverberating in her ears.

It had to be a dream, didn't it? The Richard Castle she knew would never leave her, much less with such indifference. The Richard Castle she knew wasn't so cruel, and always kept his promises even though he never did what he was told. The Richard Castle she knew would have held her hand and told her she'd be all right.

It became increasingly clear that the Richard Castle she knew was gone. The one who went to see Forbidden Planet with her, and ordered take out, and invited her to family events, and made inappropriate jokes, and dedicated books to her, and risked life and limb trying to save her or simply stick by his unspoken promise to go wherever she went was gone, and wasn't coming back.

He wouldn't even tell her what she did.

He left her to sit and wonder what in the world she did to break them.

Beckett sat down on the floor, and wiped away more tears. She hated that she was crying because of him, but what else was she to do? She was going to tell him she loved him, and he cut her off to tell her he didn't care any more.

She started to count off the things in her head that she had lost over the course of her life, but it made her too sad.

So, Beckett stood herself up, made herself get changed, brush her teeth and wash her face, and then climb into bed.

It felt a lot like grief.

Except maybe almost worse, because Castle chose to leave. He wanted to.

She closed her eyes, and forced herself to go to sleep so that she didn't have to think anymore.

There was still a residual ache that hit Beckett's heart when she replayed That Night in her head all these years later. She hadn't let herself think about it in a long time, but it still brought up emotions she'd rather not face.

And now, she and Castle had reconnected. Foolishly, she had managed to get herself into another situation where she was waiting on him to contact her first. She didn't know how it kept happening. Perhaps her pride stood in the way.

But as Beckett pulled into her parking spot for her apartment, she couldn't help but realize that despite all of that…

She hoped he'd call.