It's 1:52 in the morning here, but I haven't been to bed yet, so I consider this a same day post. Thanks as always for the love.

Didn't have time to proof read, so if there are any mistakes, I'm sorry!

I own nothing, and am in no way connected to ABC. I wouldn't say "no" to a job writing for Castle, however.

Beckett hadn't been back at the Old Haunt since their partnership ended. Not only was it their place, but also because she didn't want to risk running into the owner. She would have rather driven clear down to the Business District to get a drink than run the chance of stumbling upon Castle while she was just trying to unwind.

But now, the place seemed as familiar and welcoming as she remembered it. With its dark green walls and warm lighting, it reminded her of many happier moments that took place within the building. She scanned the place with her eyes, looking for a familiar face. It wasn't long before she settled a man in a brown sweater sitting at the bar, the back of his head all too familiar.

Beckett would know him anywhere.

She felt herself smile, and made her way across the room, taking the stool beside him. "Hey, sorry it took me a little longer to get here than I thought. Broadway was backed up."

"Oh, hey, no, don't worry about it," Castle gave her a smile in return. "Broadway can be awful."

Beckett eyed his beverage dubiously. "Is your beer…orange?"

"Oh, yeah," Castle glanced at it, and then raised his hand to flag down the bartender. "Hold on, I've gotta get you one of these."

"I'm not so sure I'm into orange beer," Beckett replied, shrugging out of her blazer in the warmth of the bar.

"You'll be into this," Castle motioned at the bottle to the bartender. "Just trust me."

They caught each other's eyes for a moment, and Beckett said, "Okay, fine, I'll try it."

Castle held an excited look in his eyes as he passed her a bottle. "That's all I ask."

Beckett attempted to look at the label to see what she was drinking, but Castle quickly covered it up with his hand. She shot him a look. "Oh, come on."

"Nope, seeing what you're going to taste before you taste it gives you expectations," Castle told her, hand still clamped firmly on the bottle. "It's a blind taste test."

Beckett sighed and said, "Fine," and put her hand over the label as well, on top of Castle's. "I'll cover it up."

Castle's eyes locked on to hers again and he managed out, "Good." He couldn't believe it still felt like that, all those years later. Couldn't believe that their chemistry was still there. He couldn't still have some remnants of feelings for her, could he? After everything she did, and so much time had passed? But there he was, feeling some of the same things he would have felt in this situation fourteen years ago.

"Rick?" Beckett said his name softly, in the same near trance he was. "I'm going to need you to remove your hand if you want me to taste this."

"Right, yeah, of course," Castle broke eye contact to glance at their hands, and then slowly slid his out. It returned to his bottle, and the spell was broken. He had to remind himself that he was being foolish. Things weren't the same way they were, That Night had changed things. There was no going back.

Beckett took a cautious sip and swished it over her tongue a bit. "Huh," she said, and then took another, larger sip, and repeated the process. "Okay, that's actually really good, what is this?"

"What did I tell you?" Castle grinned at her. "It's pumpkin beer. I never thought to stock it in the fall until now. It's great, right?"

"I never would have thought of combining those two, but yeah, it really is," Beckett looked at the bottle with a sort of mild curiosity. "Interesting. Anyway, how are you?"

"Not bad. I've spent most of the night in the company of a two-year-old, so I haven't really had much adult conversation today, but I can't complain," Castle chuckled.

"Your grandson's name is Jake, right?" Beckett asked.

Castle nodded easily. "Yeah, he's a lot of fun. I would keep him all the time if I could. Alexis insists that he has to spend time with his parents as well though, which, quite frankly, I don't understand."

Beckett laughed lightly. "What did you guys do?"

"I took him to get ice cream at Serendipity – that was actually dinner, but we didn't tell Alexis – and then we went back to the loft and watched some old school Spongebob. We also looked at some…old photos," Castle chose his wording carefully while listing their last activity.

"Sounds like you had a good time," she took another sip and smiled. It felt good to smile. It had been a hard day, and she had forgotten what it was like to have someone around who could make it all go away with a bit of light conversation. But there was an underlying tone of uncertainty to it that kept her teetering on the edge of comfort. Everything was so familiar, felt so right, so very similar to the way things were when they were good. But it wasn't the same. They were both in the same place, saying the same things, but they weren't entirely on the same page. They were just sitting there, half in the water and half out, bones creaking under the weight of all the things they weren't saying.

Castle nodded again, mimicking her motions, and then asked, "What did you do today? You said on the phone it had been a crazy day."

"Ryan and Espo have just been chasing this guy who's a complete and utter psychopath, and I've been worried all day that they're going to get themselves killed," Beckett rested her elbows on the bar and rubbed her temples. "I've been constantly trying to keep uniforms in whatever area they're in so that if they do get themselves in a situation that they can't get out of, I have people standing by to go in after them," she sat up again and shook her head. "I have no idea how Montgomery did it for as long as he did."

Castle chuckled. "I'm sure he was as flabbergasted as you are right now when he first started. You'll settle in."

Beckett laughed skeptically. "It's been a year. I think if I was meant to be in this job, it would have gotten easier by now."

Castle narrowed his eyes. "I'm sorry, did I just hear Kate Beckett say that she couldn't do something?"

Beckett straightened. "Well, no. I mean I didn't say that, I was just saying –"

"You said you thought you weren't meant to do this job. Or, you heavily implied it, at the very least. I dunno, to me that sounds like you can't do it. Maybe it's just too much for you," Castle took a swig of his beer nonchalantly.

A spark flared in Beckett's eyes. "Hey, I will have you know I'm the youngest captain the NYPD has had in fifteen years, and the youngest female to date. I wouldn't have gotten the promotion if I couldn't handle it. My detectives, my cops, and everyone in between are happy, including my higher ups. I do a damn good job at a job that's hard to do."

Castle smiled slightly and his eyebrows twitched upward.

Beckett sighed heavily and then said, "Yeah, okay. Thank you, I needed to hear myself say that." She directed her gaze to the wall behind the bar.

"You're welcome," Castle looked at her, and then said in a softer voice, "You're going to be great, Kate."

The corners of Beckett's mouth turned up again slightly. "Thanks, Rick."

"So…I've heard about your life at work…what's it like outside these days?" Castle asked slowly. He was curious…but he didn't want to cross any boundaries.

Beckett bit her lip. "It's um…" how could she say "absolutely dead" without sounding pathetic? "It's just me," she said, deciding to answer the question he was dancing around.

"Oh," Castle said, and then took another drink. It was hard for him to find the right words around her now.

"I was engaged once," Beckett admitted quietly. "But um, that didn't work out."

Castle felt a familiar ache in his heart. "Do you mind if I ask what happened?"

"Um," Beckett swallowed hard, and collected her thoughts for a moment. "I met this guy named Mark. It was the kind of thing where we just kept running into each other. The coffee shop, the bar by the twelfth, the bookstore, everywhere. We even checked to make sure he wasn't following me at one point. But he wasn't. We were just…remarkably similar. He asked me out, I said yes. We started dating. It was about four years after you left."

Castle nodded when she paused to let her know that she had his full attention. He was tuned in, focused. He always had been around her.

"Mark was…" Beckett shook her head and fixed her gaze on her bottle. "He was great, you know? He was sweet, caring, charming, funny, handsome…all those things you think you want in a man. We got along well, and our lives just kind of blended seamlessly into each other. He was an accountant, so he worked typical nine to five hours, so he was actually off when I was. We never fought. He didn't hover over me or worry, but he did ask me about things at work. He understood when I worked weird hours. Everything just seemed to work. We moved in together after a year. After another year, he proposed," her voice grew quiet again. "I said yes."

Castle didn't like the jealousy that reared in the part of himself that he had buried when he left, but he asked, "What happened, Kate?"

Beckett took a deep breath. "I left him at the altar."

Castle's eyes grew wide, and his eyebrows rose up in his forehead.

Beckett gave a humorless chuckle. "Yeah, I know, right? I didn't think I had it in me. But it finally clicked that while I was comfortable…I didn't love him. And I didn't know if I could put up with that for the rest of my life," she took a swig of her drink. "I meant what I said way back when about being a 'one and done' kind of girl. I didn't see him as being my…'done', for lack of a better term."

"I'm sorry," Castle said genuinely. "That can't have been easy."

"It wasn't," Beckett agreed. "He was so mad at me. My dad and the team were all compassionate, but it was Vera that was the real life saver."

"Vera?" Castle asked.

"Vera Mulqueen," Beckett said with a smile. "A.K.A. Viola Maddox."

Recognition softened Castle's features. "The Blue Butterfly," he said, sounding almost amazed. "I'll be damned. How'd you two get back in touch?"

"Joe died the year before I met Mark," Beckett gave a sad little smile. "Vera came in to the precinct one day looking for me. Said he wanted the detectives who let them keep their lives at his funeral. She invited me, and then asked where you were. I told her you didn't shadow me anymore, and…well, she looked disappointed, to say the least. She asked me if I knew how to get a hold of you, and I told her I didn't. We looked in the phone book, but you weren't listed. I knew your file in the system wouldn't have been updated, and it wouldn't have been ethical anyway. You could have moved…she finally told me it was okay, and that just I could come."

Castle frowned. "I'm sorry to hear that. That's really a shame, I liked Joe. He risked it all for love."

"He stuck with Vera even when things got rough," Beckett lifted her eyes to find his, something almost accusatory in her stare.

It was a subtle dig, but Castle understood. "He was a good man," he agreed, pretending as if he hadn't got it.

"That he was. Anyway, Vera and I started talking a lot after that. We became friends. She was so great, Castle, you would have loved getting to know her. We were a lot alike, Vera and I. She would just listen and listen and listen, until I thought she was going to overload. She would listen to me talk about anything, everything. And then, only when I couldn't think of a single thing to tell her that was new, she would tell me about her day. And I would return the favor, and listen to her. She spoke almost softly, you know? She chose each word carefully. She could make a story about a cardinal at her bird feeder sound like the most intriguing saga in the world," Beckett now looked almost far away, lost in a memory.

"I'm sorry, I have to ask, why is this all past tense?" Castle asked nervously.

"Vera died early the next year," Beckett told him. "Must have been about eight years ago now. She was a strong woman to have made it as far as she did without Joe. She cried every day after he died. She had based her whole life off of her relationship with him…when he was gone, she couldn't really figure out what life was supposed to be like again," she glanced at him, her words full of double meaning, and then began to pick at the label on her beer. "I still remember her rescuing me the day off the wedding. She just kept asking me if I was sure, if I really loved him. Finally, I decided I wasn't, and I didn't, and I just kind of…panicked. She took me to her car – dress and all – and we went back to her house. She sat me down on the couch, put a blanket around my shoulders, and fixed me a cup of tea. She sat with me all day, and I just cried. I didn't know what else to do, everything was so out of control, and she comforted me all day long. Stroked my hair, and told me I'd get through it."

"My condolences to both things, then," Castle said softly. "I'm sorry, I had no idea."

"You couldn't have," Beckett said simply with an accompanying shrug. "So, what about you? Anyone special these days?"

Castle laughed a bit. "Um, no, no, not at all. Mother's tried to set me up a few times, but that never goes over well. I don't know, I haven't really put much effort into it either. My whole life was Alexis and Mother, and then helping get Alexis and Tom on their feet, and now Jake. It hasn't really been a priority."

Beckett nodded. "It sounds like things have been good for you," she smiled warmly at him. She couldn't stay mad about what happened. She couldn't. If there was one thing she had learned, it was that letting go was healthy.

"Yeah, they have," Castle smiled too. "I'm a lucky man."

Beckett looked around the Old Haunt fondly. "Lot of memories in this place, huh?"

Castle closed his eyes briefly. "We don't have to do that."

Her attention turned to him. "Do what?"

"Talk about…all that," Castle spoke to the wall instead of to her. "The past. What's done is done."

Beckett's eyebrows knit together, surprised at his attitude. "Um, okay then…fine, no past."

"Good," Castle nodded once. "Thank you."

They lapsed into silence for a moment, and then Beckett said quietly, "I just don't get it."

Castle looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "Don't get what?" he asked, and then took another drink.

"I don't get what I could have possibly done to make you want to forget four years of being partners," Beckett explained. "I really don't."

"Beckett, don't –"

"No, you," Beckett looked at him hard. "It's been fourteen years, Castle," she nearly whispered to him. "Don't you think that's long enough to wait for an answer?"

"I don't want to get into this," Castle said in a measured tone. "It's in the past, let's just move on."

"Easy for you to do," Beckett's jaw was clenched tight. "You know what I did. You know why you decided to walk away from everything, I can see how you could leave it in the past, but there are those of us in this situation that are clueless. I'm all for building bridges, but you have to tell me why they burnt in the first place."

Castle let out a long breath through his nose. "I don't think you want to get into this tonight."
"You're confusing the two of us."

"It would take too much time to get through."

"I've got all the time in the world."

"It's complicated."

"I wouldn't expect any less."

"I heard you, okay?" Castle finally snapped, looking at her with years of repressed anger. "I heard you. In the interrogation room, the bomb case, I heard you."

Beckett's heart rabbited in her chest. "What are you talking about?"

Castle clenched his bottle in an effort to keep from shaking. He was still so angry. He had stuffed it far down, but now it was all coming to the forefront again. "The suspect, he was saying how he didn't remember something. I stood there in the observation room behind the glass, and listened to you tell that slimy little son of a bitch that you remembered every second of your shooting. Every second."

Beckett pressed her lips together as understanding settled in around her. "Castle, I can explain, I-"

"Don't bother," Castle said in a clipped tone. "You heard me tell you that I loved you, and you lied to me about it. There's nothing more to explain."

Beckett shook her head. "There is. I just wasn't ready at the time, I couldn't process everything that was going on, I was in a million different places at onc-"

"So you lied about it?" Castle half exclaimed. "So you just decided that it was better to fake a medical condition than to just talk to me? Maybe, oh, I don't know, tell me all of this?" he was breathing heavily as he looked at her. He lowered his voice a bit, and then said, "I would have waited, Kate. I was prepared to wait. But I couldn't wait around for a liar. Much less someone who never felt the same way in the first place."

Beckett stared at him incredulously for a moment. "That's why you think I did that? Because I didn't feel the same way?"

"I get it, you didn't want to hurt my feelings, you're a good friend, whatever," Castle looked stony in a way that made Beckett's stomach churn. "But I couldn't handle working with you knowing you would lie to me about something like that."

Beckett's jaw tensed more still. "You know what? Fine. Believe what you want. Your mind's already made up, hearing what I have to say wouldn't change it at this point. You've got me all made out to be the bad guy in this little story of yours, but have you ever stopped to think that maybe you were so blinded by your own hurt that you never even considered my side of things? Maybe thought for two seconds about the direction things had been leaning in during that case?"

Castle was silent for a moment, and then asked, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Do you have any idea why I invited you out for a drink? Any clue as to what I was going to tell you That Night?" Beckett waited for a moment, and when he said nothing, she continued. "I was going to tell you that I felt the same way. I was going to tell you that I was finally ready to be together, put everything else aside, stop making excuses, all that. And then you went and just walked away, and left me wondering what the hell I did."

A new, unidentifiable look diluted the anger on Castle's face. "You…what?"

"I was ready, Rick," Beckett emphasized every word. "Yes, I lied. But you never even gave me a chance."

"What possible good reason could you have for lying about something that big, for that long?" Castle challenged.
"Oh, gee, I don't know, Castle, maybe the fact that Montgomery was dead, everything that had to do with my mother's case was gone, I had just been shot," Beckett ran a hand over her face. "It was a hectic and crazy time. Not to mention I made that decision while I was still under heavy sedation, and then had to just go with it, keep it up. I didn't want to get into it before I was ready because I didn't want to sabotage the decent chance we had."

Castle fell silent again, attempting to process. "You kept that secret for far too long to explain it away with something so simple," he said gravely.

"I never said it wasn't wrong," Beckett pointed out. "I just said that you never let me get my side out."

Castle said nothing.

"Rick," Beckett said, calling his attention back to her. "I'm sorry, okay? For everything. Yes, it was wrong. Yes, I should have just talked to you. But I didn't, and I had my reasons."

"I want to forgive you," Castle admitted in an almost normal tone. "I think that might take some time, but I want to forgive you."

"Yeah, I had to forgive you a while back or I was never going to move on," Beckett told him. "So, I forgive you too."

Castle nodded once. "We felt the same way, all this time," he said to the wall, and then looked at her. "So, what now? Where do we go from here?"

"I don't know," Beckett said, and finished off the last of the liquid in her bottle.

"Maybe we should just call it a night," Castle repeated her action, and then stood, digging money out of his wallet.

"No," Beckett said firmly, looking up at him.

Castle raised his eyebrows.

"This game has been going on for eighteen years total, and I'm tired of playing it. I want to get something figured out, even if it takes all night. We can't leave it here, that's not an option any more."

Castle eyed her for a moment, and then said, "Alright, come on, we can at least finish this conversation back at the loft."

Beckett nodded, satisfied, and got up from the bar, following him out into the night.

Dedicated in loving memory to Chad Everett (6/11/36 - 7/24/12) who portrayed the real Joe in "The Blue Butterfly" who died after losing his battle with lung cancer, and to all who continue to fight.