Disclaimer: This is where things get rated M. Like REALLY rated M. And this is my first smut so I'm not going to ask you to be nice but be aware that there is always room to grow. I have at least four more chapters planned which I will get to as soon as my muse strikes. And this is kind of a fanfiction from my fanfiction where they do get together. In the actual one I have planned we left off where he told her he loved her and I'm not sure where it's going to go from there. Enjoy!
She buried her face into my shoulder when I moved and I faltered when her tongue touched my pulse.
It wasn't supposed to feel like this. Not with her. Not like this. It was supposed to be wrong. To feel wrong like knives were under my skin. But all I could feel was her breath and her lips and the sound of my footsteps as I led her down the hallway to my bedroom, my thumbs running over her hip bones as I eased open the door with my foot and carried her over to the bed. I bent my knees somewhat and laid her down onto the quilt so she could loosen her fingers from the back of my neck and lay back on it.
The light from the street faded on her skin and softened its lines so if I touched her she would dissolve.
She crawled up along the sheets, the shadows from the light shattering over her skin before she settled against the pillows, her fingers entwined in the wooden headboard and her hair splayed jaggedly over her face.
I loved her. I was in love with her. She was here and she was mine and I loved her and I was hers.
I knelt on the edge of the bed and crawled along its length until I could trace my fingers along her jeans and to her waist, leaning over and sinking my teeth into her hip bone as she jerked beneath me and I heard her fingernails scratch at the wood as I ran my tongue over where my teeth marked.
She was going to be marked too.
I pressed my lips up her stomach and to the lace edge of her bra, tracing over her breast and running my tongue along her neck before my lips were on hers again and I could taste her moan. I removed my hand from her waist and brought it up and over her arm as I entwined her fingers with mine, our hands twisted against the wood and into the pillows as I kissed her deeper and deeper.
Losing myself again under her skin.
She pulled her fingers from mine as I pulled away and she arched her back to reach behind her and undue her bra. The black lace fell over her arms and she tossed it to the floor, her arms again entangled behind her and her back sensually ached. I trembled as a passing car illuminated over her skin and breasts and I ran my finger over the curve and down her stomach to where her jeans lay partially opened with her backs arch.
She gasped under my touch and I nearly lost it in a heat that burned and consumed me.
I ran my tongue over her stomach and between her breasts and her fingers tightened into the pillow as she panted and I swallowed the sound of it with my lips as I pushed her further into the sheets and felt her breasts pressed to my chest and her fingers now digging into my arms and scratching dark lines over their length.
To remind me. That tonight wasn't a dream and it was real. That she was here and she was mine and I was hers.
Her fingers fumbled at my jeans and I pulled back to help her undo them, my fingers shaking as everything I had ever wanted since the moment my heart flipped at the sight of her compressed against me in how close I was to having it.
Her. Mine. Hers.
She helped me undo the zipper and slid them down over my hips as I leaned back to allow her to drag them down my legs with the jean occasionally catching and making my blood bubble with its momentarily frustration. She dragged them off from around my ankles and I didn't see where they fell as she crawled up against me and kissed me deeply, her fingers digging into my neck as she kissed me hard.
Like she wanted me to shatter and lose herself among the pieces.
I buried my fingers up into her hair as she began to move her still clothed hips against mine and I pulled away to bite into her shoulder and gasp as I tried to maintain some sense of control that I lost whenever I got close to her. She nibbled lightly on my collarbone and I jerked against her making us both gasp as I dug my fingers into her shoulder and groaned into her neck.
She would be the death of me. The piece that couldn't fit and would break all the others to do so and I didn't care.
I held a hand underneath her as I pushed her back down onto the bed and grazed her nipple with my teeth and she dug her fingers into the back of my neck as I nipped at her stomach until I came to the top of her jeans and unbuttoned them deftly and dragged them over and down her hips. She arched them to give way and I tossed them over the side of the bed and kissed along her ankle, biting gently on the bone there and she cried out, fingers twisted into her thigh.
It was me that was doing this to her. Me that was making her lose control.
I traced my fingers along her legs and up to where her underwear still was before slipping my fingers under the fabric and trailing them down after; teasing the goose bumps I could feel on her legs. I tossed them aside as well and stared at her for a moment, for the first time in my life looking at all of her for the first time. The cars still passed in front of the window and light and shadow still cut themselves against one another so her skin was an array of shadow and dark that teased me and my fragile hold on my control.
She was beautiful. And I was hers.
She licked her lips carefully; her fingers caught up in her hair as she watched me take her in as if she was unsure what I was thinking like it could be anything other then what it was.
Derek?
It was the first time she spoke since the living room and it felt like hours ago in another existence where I ceased to exist before and ever would again as all of me that ever was or would be was in this moment purely belonging to her.
You're beautiful.
I breathed the words because any louder would shatter whatever this was and I couldn't allow that. A part of me thought I would die before I allowed that. Would allow any kind of sacrifice or gift if I could prolong this forever and never endure anything else. It didn't scare me as it should because this was all I knew and ever would know.
I had never lived anywhere but this moment.
I sank back into the moment and pulled my boxers down from around my hips, entangling them from around my ankles and throwing them into a distant corner before I leaned forward on my knees and crawled over top of her so that our skin didn't touch but I could if I shifted and risked breaking the moment.
I risked it because I wanted the next one.
I pressed myself down against her and for the first time lay with her utterly skin to skin, my lips pressed to hers, her breasts to my chest, my arms through hers and my hips between her legs.
It was here. And it was now. And it was mine. And it was hers.
She sucked lightly on my lip as she ran her fingers over my side and along my side and over my tattoos and into the fine hairs of my head as if she could memorize each one. I nuzzled against her neck as I pulled away and buried my face into her hair, tasting the strands and the light sheen of sweat on her skin as she panted slightly against my ear.
She was my loss of control. And in that moment I was hers.
Hating myself I barely pulled away and reached over to the bedside dresser and opened the top drawer so a condom wrapper crinkled on my fingers and the sweat from my hands made it slip between them, making me swear under my breath. She sat up somewhat, her legs brushing over mine as she took the wrapper herself and carefully ripped it open, unravelling it from inside and moving closer to slip it over me.
It was the first time she touched me there. And I gasped and panted as her fingers lingered as she finished.
She laid back and lay her arms over her head, the shadows moving over her breasts as she breathed and I took a moment to memorize her like that. Fingers entwined in the headboard and scratches on the finish from where her fingernails dug. Hair tossed over her shoulders and darkened in its strands by sweat. Her stomach tightened by her shallow breaths and her legs enticingly trailed over one another. But it was her eyes that stopped me. Froze the world and my heart beat and stunted my breath and my thoughts.
What they said what she would never say out loud.
I eased her legs open and settled between them, a hand reached between me to align myself and my other next to her head to hold me up right and staring down into her eyes which still darkened with the words she wouldn't say and yet screamed at me over and over.
That I was in love with her. And that she might love me back.
I pushed forward and she gasped, fingernails scratching at the wood as I was inside of her and everything else lost all focus or meaning like we were the two centre points of the universe and the rest of it just useless decoration that was passed on as an afterthought.
We were all that existed. We were all that mattered.
I moved inside her again and she bit her lip hard, the well of blood visible under the skin and I sucked on the spot, my other hand joined up adjacent to the other and brushed my nose against hers in a nuzzle as I kissed her deeper and the pillow collapsed on either side of us as I pushed her into it deeper and deeper.
This was all there was. All there ever would be.
I started to move my hips against hers slowly, drawing out each thrust as carefully as I could because if I hurried it or moved too fast then it would be over and she would be gone and all of existence in us both would burst and stretch thing to accommodate the rest of the universe.
I didn't want to live that kind of insignificance.
Her hands came down to my hips to urge me on and I picked up my pace somewhat, keeping myself careful and holding back but her fingers tracing circles against my skin undoing me piece by piece.
This was existence.
Not the life I lived. That everyone lived. The job. The cases. The victims. The suspects. The fact that at the end of the day it was never enough and there was a new day coming and a new case and another twisted individual taking lives and finding no remorse or satisfaction in the act.
It was this. It was now. It was mine. And I was hers.
My breaths were coming in shallow now, my muscles contracting with my thrusts as my forehead brushed with hers as I panted and tried to hold onto my control that she made me lose so easily. Like it was her existence.
Making me lose control over and over.
She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and bit her nails into my skin as her pants echoed against my ear and I dropped my head to the pillow next to her with the sweat stinging my eyes and her breaths echoing through my blood until I felt too hot like I might collapse into flames.
Dissolve into ash and dissolve into her so we were lost under each other's skin.
I brought my face back to hers and kissed her again, nipping at her lips and teasing blood to the surface before I pulled back the upper half of my body and tightened my fingers into the sheets by our hips to angle them more sharply.
The fragile light glistened off the sweat on her body, faded and sharp and crumbling my insides.
I was close now. The coil I had felt before tighter and more twisted inside of me as I brought one of her legs tighter around my waist and angled my thrusts deeper as she bit her lip and whimpered, the light capturing over her nipple and darkening it enticingly.
I was close.
I could taste the sweat on my lips, feel it tight in my fists as I lost my grip on the sheet and wiped my fingers shakily and returned to my rhythm, losing it more easily then I had before and noting how more desperate my movements were becoming.
I was close.
I fell forward slightly, my hips jostled against hers as she cried out and I tightened my fingers into the headboard, somehow finding hers and entwining them so they slipped and slid against each others with the sweat I could still taste on my lips and feel burned in my eyes. Her gasps were sharper now, her eyes clouded somewhat as I tried to hold out for another moment, another second where I could be the one doing this to her. Making her gasp and wither underneath me instead of the kid who in that moment I found myself hating even as I made love to his wife.
Derek.
My name broke free of her lips, half caught in a gasp like it was an impulse and not even meant to be said or heard but she did and I did.
And I lost it.
I choked out a scream as my head fell to the pillow and I bite at it with my teeth, panting uncontrollably and convulsing against her as she whimpered and clawed at my sweat stained back and unable to find a grip but her fingers finding their way to dig marks into my skin and keeping me grounded when I felt like everything had shattered and there was nothing like pieces.
Pieces of her and pieces of me with no distinction between the two and nothing to make me care about the fact.
My breathing returned to normal and I raised myself up somewhat, suddenly afraid that I was crushing her and lifting my head to take in her face and read the expression in her eyes.
See what I had seen there before and praying that it was still there in some way or form.
She was gasping still, her eyes unfocused somewhat and enough light coming in through the window to shatter across her chest and dance over her sweat stained breasts with her nipples still dark and sensual. I bowed my head and caught one between my teeth as she whimpered breathlessly as I tugged at it before licking it soothingly. I moved my head to the other one, first biting, then tugging then running my tongue over it and feeling it grow even stiffer under my touch.
I could still taste the sweat on her skin. The sweat from my own skin with no distinction between the two.
I raised my eyes to her again and nuzzled my nose against hers before lightly kissing her lips and the gasp still trembled on them. She traced her fingers over the back of my head and pressed her nose against my ear as I buried my face in her neck and felt the flutter of her heart beat against my neck.
I'm in love with you.
I didn't mean to say it. Not when everything in existence that I now was was her and these words and what they meant to me and to her and everything that had now been scattered back across the universe. But I said it. And I meant it. And I meant it in every heartbeat and every breath and every word and every thought and every memory and part of myself because they were all hers and all of her was me loving her.
She was quiet.
Her fingers fell from the back of my head and I raised my eyes to meet hers, silently pleading in every dust that compressed to make us whole that I would still see that look in her eyes, that it was still there and I had some notion that it wasn't all just a dream that I would wake from and find no trace of it remaining.
But it wasn't.
The look in her eyes, the one that I had felt at the dance at JJ's wedding, the look when our eyes met and I was inside of her and we were all that mattered and existed and I didn't care because she was all I needed. to survive, drink and breathe was gone.
I was in love with her. But she didn't love me back.