Disclaimer: I am not a genius like the man who thought up Naruto, how could you even lump my pithy story in with his? I'm not trying to mooch off some of that fat load he's raking in, so just enjoy the fruits of my labor and keep your lawsuits to yourself!
Now then...
Chapter 4: Free advice is seldom cheap
Sasuke could feel his patience wearing thin. His server had to be the single most idiotic individual he had ever had the displeasure of meeting.
The raven sipped his tea, enjoying the pleasant bitter tang as the hot liquid slid down his throat and forced his mild chagrin aside. He had come here to think and an Uchiha would never let something as insignificant as an idiotic waiter to distract him from what needed to be done.
The images from that morning began to flash through Sasuke's mind, each more brutal then the last. Blood and intestines smeared into paste had mixed, staining the street a horrifying pink. The remnants of a hand had lain, disjoined and alone; far from its original owner; yet in its pale and lifeless fingers it clutched the handle of a knife tainted crimson.
At least the Akatsuki had not gone away without injury. Hebi's stoic leader thought.
But injuring them was not enough. Sasuke had to come up with a plan that would drive the infernal gang away from Konoha, or destroy them entirely.
And what of this Kyuubi? If the message Karin had carried to him meant what he thought, and Uchiha's were nothing if not accurate, then this person was…a…
"Superhero…"
"What?"
Sasuke blanched inwardly. Could his ill-mannered waiter possibly have picked a higher register to shriek in his ear? The idiot was almost more than Sasuke could take, worse than Suigetsu after a full day of drinking.
He shifted his gaze from the tabletop to the moron who'd broken into his silent revere. But the blond was not making fun of what he'd obviously overheard his customer say. Instead, the man had turned a bright red and was fumbling with the pad in his pocket, the pen in his hand shaking visibly. The man wasn't even trying to look Sasuke in the eye, in fact; the raven would go so far as the say that the idiot was actually avoiding eye contact.
"I me-mean," The blond stammered. "W-what are y-you going to order, you've had long enough to pick something out."
Sasuke stared at his waiter. This was…unusual. The longer he simply stared at the man, the more uncomfortable he seemed to become, the red slowly crept over his entire face and inched downward until his neck was also swathed in the self-conscious heat. Sasuke had to admit, this was…amusing. The simple question remained however, why was…
The raven's gaze flicked his server's nametag, tacked on the left breast of the blond's old black shirt. Naruto, it was a strange name, although in that Sasuke supposed that the name fit the man.
"Salmon fillet," The raven answered evenly, though he wanted to say that the blond was not to decide it was time for his customer to order. What stopped him was the thought of having to deal with this frustrating man any more than he absolutely had to. Sasuke was almost at the point of leaving and sparing 'Naruto' the obviously undesirable of serving him. But his accursed Uchiha pride would not give the blond man that satisfaction.
The blond muttered an acknowledgement and went his way, leaving Sasuke to himself once more.
Boss Hebi took a bracing sip of his tea and began to ponder…
His waiter's reaction to what he had said was puzzling, but Sasuke chose to focus on the more pressing matters of Akatsuki and this new 'superhero' who'd come to exercise the gangs from Konoha's streets. How could he take care of both while protecting Hebi and her interests?
.:xXXx:.
Naruto cursed himself for twelve kinds of idiot as he made his way back to the kitchen. When he'd heard what the black-haired Teme had said, the reaction had been automatic.
The blond pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed heavily. He might as well have said, 'Superhero, no, me? Never, I don't dress up in black leather, my eyes don't turn red and I most certainly have never heard of a gang in Konoha called Hebi; don't be ridiculous.'
"Hey, Naruto come over here and give this a taste."
The blond gave the pudgy cook a distracted wave and the newest order sheet for him to fill. The paper was torn out of the Uzumaki's hand, soon replaced with a spoon to which something viscos clung.
"Thanks Chouji," Naruto absently stuffed the spoon into his mouth and walked on, ignoring the fat man's demands to have his spoon back.
Typically, Chouji's experiments in food were incredible, and this thick sweet sauce was certainly not the exception to that universal law. But Naruto's mind was just not on food. He half-heartedly at the wooden spoon and trudged to a back counter, filling an empty pitcher with ice water out of routine more than any real necessity.
"Wow, that guy really did a number on you."
Naruto didn't even bother to turn, but continued to stare as the pitcher slowly continued to fill. The motion of the ice cubes as they swirled around and around their plastic prison was oddly hypnotic.
"Hey," Kiba was next to him, leaning heavily on the counter while peering at his blond friend. "What's the deal, you don't let customers get to you like this, what's your problem?"
"I just reacted badly." Naruto sighed, swiveling the taps off. "That guy just said something I didn't expect and I said something that I shouldn't have."
"What, like you cursed him out or something?"
Naruto didn't answer. He picked up the pitcher and started for the doors.
Kiba put a hand on the blond's shoulder. "Don't worry about it, dude, it happens to everyone; water under the bridge you know? Just show him you're a good guy and be his friend. It'll be fine."
"Hey, Kiba, order up!" Chouji shouted from behind them and Naruto's friend was gone.
Be a friend, the blond thought. Be his friend.
.:xXXx:.
When the blond interrupted Sasuke fifteen minutes later, he came bearing a large plate filled with steaming fish fillet. And Sasuke was no closer to a solution than he had been twenty minutes ago which royally ticked the brunette off.
"What?" His typically impassive features screwed slightly into a frown. His slim dark eyebrows furrowing almost imperceptibly as the corners of his mouth turned down.
"Sorry to disturb you again, sir." 'Naruto's' laugh was nervous. The blond set the plate carefully down in front of his customer and to Sasuke's surprise, pulled out a chair and sat.
"Well?" His waiter questioned, his wide blue eyes moving from Sasuke to the food on the table and back again. "Aren't you going to try it? You ordered it after all."
Sasuke glanced at his plate. It was a cooked salmon, with fresh greens and a steaming baked potato on the side. It looked edible at least. The raven's eyes snapped back to the idiot sitting next to him, a stupid grin spread across his moronic features.
He didn't move, but fixed the blond with a glare that normally had Karin hastily retreating.
The Dobe didn't move.
One second passed…two…three… The silence began to stretch and grew uncomfortable, well, not for Sasuke, who'd turned his attention back to Akatsuki and Kyuubi. At least, that's what he tried to do, until his waiter's grating voice clawed into his thoughts.
"Oh, I get it. Yeah, it's hard for me to eat when I've got a load on my mind. But hey, maybe I can help you out so then you can enjoy this awesome lunch!"
Before he could even control it, the raven had let out a "Che…" It must have encouraged the blond because less than a second later Sasuke found himself staring once more into a pair of wide blue eyes. Except, he hadn't moved. His server was currently leaning with his elbows on the table, his head cocked to one side while he tilted forward.
"So, here, let me give you some advice." The blond whispered conspiratorially. "Whenever I have a lot of problems all at once, I just…" He paused as if waiting for Sasuke to ask him to continue. Instead, the raven took a deep breath, and turned his face away from Naruto's. Was this Dobe his divine punishment? What crime had he committed as Boss Hebi that warranted this judgment?
"Hey, I'm talking to you," The blond was certainly persistent. He'd leaned even closer, trying to get Sasuke to look him in the eyes. Sasuke, for his part, was ignoring the troublesome little troll with all the grace and poise he could muster. The blond had absolutely no idea how close he was to calling in Suigetsu and letting the gunman 'have his way' with the moronic miscreant.
"I just sort of misdirect all the different individual ones and let them take care of themselves."
What?
"Like this one time," The blond's grin turned sheepish. "Granny Tsunade was really pissed at me about something, I don't really remember what. And this other guy, I think that his name was Sora, anyway, he was a customer and a real jerk, kindda like y-" The blond clapped a hand over his mouth and tried to laugh off his Freudian slip.
"So, I was getting really frustrated 'cause no matter how nice I was to this guy, he was always rude back, and I was totally going to whip his butt or something. So when Old Lady Tsunade called me into her office to ask why I wasn't doing all the crap she wanted me to do, I got this wild idea."
Satan must've been shivering pretty hard then. The raven reflected as the blond rambled on.
"So I just told the old hag that I couldn't do all this other stuff because I was so busy trying to please this impossible customer. Well, she wanted to meet this 'impossible customer' and so I introduced her to Sora." The blond's smile had widened into something almost evil. "Of course that jerk was rude and so…"
Sasuke watched as his waiter lounged back into his borrowed seat. "I just let one problem take care of the other."
The raven felt something click in his mind, an idea that he had not considered; that hadn't even entered his mind until that moment. That was it. The perfect plan had already begun to formulate in his mind. The idea was to simple, but the basis, the foundation was brilliant.
Sasuke felt his eyes narrowing and he gazed at the blond waiter with a newfound awareness. Perhaps this man was not as…mentally deficient as Sasuke had first surmised.
"Anyway," The man was standing awkwardly to his feet, his hand back to rubbing the back of his neck. "I hope that helped. Now you can eat your meal without all that thinking distracting you and what not. Now hurry up and eat that before it gets cold."
And then he was gone.
Sasuke watched his waiter moved away, tracking the blond as he walked from table to table, filling water glasses, grinning from ear to ear. Dumb blond, it was like he hadn't even had an argument with another of his client's. The moron was good at what he did. Sasuke had to admit. He could make anyone feel at ease with his innane chatter. And with that thought, Sasuke went about finishing his tempting meal before it grew too cold.
.:xXXx:.
The raven ate his meal in unexpected quiet and completely undisturbed. He had to admit, the salmon had been well cooked, seasoned acceptably and served with marginally pleasing aesthetics.
The Uchiha knew five star restaurants who deserved less praise.
Despite his original impression of this place, mainly due to his treatment by the staff; 'Leaf' was a well put together establishment. His lunch had been more productive than he had originally hoped; also astonishingly thanks to the same loud, blond staff member.
He finished what remained of his now lukewarm tea with a single swallow and rose.
"Hey your all done!"
The Uchiha's head snapped up. He hadn't even heard the blonds' approach his table.
"Does that mean you liked it?" The man asked eagerly, his eyes wide with anticipation.
"Hn, Dobe," Sasuke walked past his over enthusiastic waiter and towards the front; the blond hot in pursuit.
"Hey, you can't call someone a name like that and just walk away!"
The raven paused at the door, not bothering to look when he asked "How much do I own for the meal?"
His server stopped as well, at least his incessant protesting ceased. He seemed to running some figures in his head, or maybe he'd been stunned into silence by the raven's longest sentence to him in the whole two hour period the raven had been at the cafe. There must've been some quantum physics involved in Sasuke's bill because after waiting several minutes of an answer, Sasuke sighed, his right hand digging in his back pocket for his wallet.
"Here Dobe," The gang leader pulled out a wad of bills and plucked them into the blonds' hand before heading out the door.
It took about five seconds for his waiter to dash out in pursuit.
"Wait!" The blond rushed in front of him, his arms stretched to stop Sasuke's forward progress.
"You only owe $12.49 for the meal."
"That was some fast math, usurotankachi." Sasuke commented his voice riddled with sarcasm.
The blond either missed the Uchiha's insult or he ignored the statement entirely. For instead of reacting to the abuse, the man held out his fist. Sasuke could see the paper rectangles he'd handed the blond peeking out through the gaps between the man's fingers.
"You owe the café $12.49, not three hundred. What about your change?"
Sasuke shrugged dismissively, stepping around the eager beaver and onto the street. "You can keep the change."
The blond's eyes went wide. "Wha-"
"It's my thanks, Dobe, to you for your advice." And with that final comment flung casually over his shoulder, the raven was gone; leaving his dumbfounded waiter to stare after him in confusion.
Sasuke reached into his jeans once more, not for his wallet this time, but in search of a certain cellular device he'd been ignoring for the last two hours of his life. He quickly palmed the phone, punching two buttons and holding its sleek black shell to his ear.
It rang twice before the other end clicked and the pounding thrum of a fierce techno beat hammered in the raven's ear.
"Speak Uchiha!" Suigetsu had meant to sound surly and annoyed, that was always the way he answered any of his Boss's phone calls. It wouldn't do for the young gunman to sound too eager. But it was hard to pitch your voice just right while yelling over the controlled chaos which was only found in such establishments.
The Uchiha in question was not disturbed by his lieutenants malevolent response to his phone call. It answered two questions that the brunette had all at once.
The first: Suigetsu was in fact still at 'Sound'.
The second: The gunman was not put off completely when Sasuke had excluded both he and Juugo from Karin's debriefing. Of course that didn't mean that the man was not pissed off. He'd been casually set aside for a time and that hurt any man's pride. But Suigetsu liked to think that he was a vital part of Hebi; that if he were to not participate in the intricate goings on (at least as far as all the gossip and head smashing went) of the organization, the gang would fall apart. He liked to be in the loop, to know every move that was made. The man didn't like surprises, no matter how little interest he pretended not to show at Sasuke's staff meetings. And Sasuke indulged the blond for as long as it was prudent to do so. The Hebi leader wouldn't compromise the gang's security for the sake of one man's pride. But reason also said that keeping a man as skilled as Suigetsu close and happy, would be useful in the long run, and Sasuke knew how to keep someone like Suigetsu fell necessary.
Suigetsu would get over his pitch-fit soon enough. The Hebi leader was going to reveal his plan to his three lieutenants once he got back to 'Sound'.
"Tell the other two I will be in my office in forty-five minutes." The raven said mildly, ending the conversation with a deft jab of his thumb. He didn't need to tell Suigetsu to be there, he knew that the blond would be, along with the other two. The three of his inner circle knew that Sasuke, once in motion, did not care to be kept waiting.
And his genius had certainly been set in motion.
/ …just let one problem take care of the other…/ The waiter had said. Make the two problems take each other out for you./
A rare smirk toyed with the corner of the raven's mouth. He allowed it to flutter there for a half a second before he flicked it aside like some pesky insect.
The blond man had been very helpful actually. He'd deserved the three hundred as a tip. In hindsight the man might's been entitled to more since the fortune Sasuke would likely save in damage control and redistribution of goods alone would've cost the raven a thousand times that poultry amount. And it wasn't as if Sasuke dealt in small quantities. Three hundred was pocket change.
His Porsche was in sight. Sasuke stepped up to the opposite sidewalk and grabbed his keys. His car beeped twice, the lights on both ends flashing in sync with the noise, a signal that the vehicle was now unlocked.
The Uchiha moved around to the driver's side and was about to step once more into the muddy street when a flash of white on the windshield caught his eye. Turning, Sasuke saw a small sheet of paper had been tucked under his left wiper blade.
It was a parking ticket.
Sasuke tore the paper off his windshield, eyeing the signature with growing disdain. The ticket had been filled out by a one officer Hatake Kakashi; a one busybody officer Hatake Kakashi.
The raven's eyes narrowed in annoyance. He'd thought that he'd cleared up this little…issue with the police commissioner already.
He folded the paper, slipping it into his pocket and gliding smoothly into the driver's seat. The car purred to life and the Hebi leader slid into traffic a few seconds later, already making a mental note to visit Police commissioner Danzo. He'd have to remind the man to curb his overly zealous cops.
Sasuke glanced into his rearview mirror, the now familiar image of 'Leaf's' green signboard caught squarely in the rapidly shrinking background.
He could feel the smirk returning. Maybe he would come back to that place. Their tea was good.
.:xXXx:.
"Oi, Naruto," Kiba grinned as his friend wandered into the kitchen, a dazed expression on his scared face. "What's with that faraway look?" The brunette's eyes fell to the cash in the blond's hand. He gaped.
"Where did all that cash come from?"
"It was a…tip…"
Kiba nearly sprinted to Naruto, grabbing the money from his friend's hand and quickly riffling through the bills.
"You've got to be kidding, there's almost three hundred dollars here, what did you do, make a drug run or something?"
That loud statement shook the blond out of his dazed stupor. "Hey, don't be a jerk. Of course I wasn't selling drugs and crap. That Teme I told you about earlier gave me a big tip because I gave him some advice and it was really helpful." Naruto swiped the money back and stalked to the break room. His canine loving counterpart called after him. "I wouldn't mind you giving me some of that friggin' awesome advice, Naruto!" The blond rolled his eyes and slammed the break room door behind him.
The break room was a small space sandwiched between the kitchen and Tsunade's office. It wasn't much, a small, metal table was set in the middle of the room, three chairs stood near it in haphazard formation. A tall red floor to ceiling shelf covered the right-hand wall; its two foot by three foot cubbies stuffed with employee belongings. Next to the door which was directly opposite where Naruto now stood, the break room's handle still clasped firmly in his hand. It was an employee entrance, but no one used it unless they were late, but the old thing was so rusted over, it was almost faster to go around to the front. Next to the oxidized monstrosity was the swipe in/out box, for ease of access Naruto could only assume. It had been installed when the building was erected nearly thirty years ago. The stupid old thing didn't even work half the time. And the times that it did actually log someone in, it would be the wrong employee.
The stupid temperamental hunk of machinery had a freaking mind of its own. Its mood swings had become so infamous amongst those who worked at the 'Leaf' that the staff had begun to call the device 'Tsunade-sama' after their illustrious employer and never when the real Tsunade was within earshot.
Naruto strolled over to the shelves and reached up into his own carefully marked cubby. Feeling around, the blond managed to identify his backpack before haphazardly stuffing the money inside. He'd take care of the three hundred properly once he got home that night; before he…went out for the night. And he would, he had to if he was going to make good on his threat. In one month, the gang Hebi would be no more, he would make sure of that. It was his way.
"Oi, idiot," Kiba poked his head into the room. "We're getting swamped out here. Stop being such a leech and help us seat some people. You can run your fingers through all your money later."
"Whatever," The blond grinned. "You just want to see my people pleasing, big tip getting skills in action."
The brunette responded with a 'whatever' of his own before closing the door with a slight 'click'.
Naruto headed back towards the kitchen, his fingers closing around the knob before he paused and looked back to his cubby. His sky blues traced the orange and black outline of his string backpack. From across the room, no one could tell that three hundred dollars was stored inside. And even up close, the only hint you'd probably get would be some green showing through the small opening at the bags top even when drawn tight. But unless someone was specifically looking for the money, they wouldn't rifle through the bag. And besides, the only one who knew about the cash was Kiba and as jealous as the guy was, Naruto knew he wouldn't even consider thievery.
The money was safe; and Naruto wasn't one to be flippant with cash, especially not in the case of nearly three hundred dollars. That was more for one meal than the blond typically made in tips for a month maybe more. It was his rent for the month; he wasn't going to fool around with it.
His mind went to the jerk who'd given him the money. The man had been freakishly good looking. His ebony hair and pale, unblemished skin…his lean torso exhibited to its best advantage encased in the charcoal grey button-down he'd worn. His legs had been long too, but not skinny. The muscle which filled the man's dark jeans had been lean, not bulky like those obnoxiously stereotypical bodybuilders one saw every day on the covers of magazines. The raven had been like that all over; not hulking with muscle, which would've ruined the effect of his slender perfect features, but he carried a dangerous aura. Naruto felt rather than knew that whomever he had served lunch was not someone to be toyed with.
What had his name been? Of course Naruto didn't know, the man had never given his waiter that tidbit of information and had also paid in cash. So the blond couldn't even check a credit card number or signature or anything. Not that Naruto really cared what the jerk's name was. He just wanted to know who could afford to give anyone a three hundred dollar tip.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if the Teme came back… The blond blinked at his errant thought. Well, if the man came back that was his own business. If Naruto wanted him to came back it was, of course, just so I could get some more of that fat action.
Naruto eased the door open and slipped into the kitchen and away from his thought to impatient cries for cooks to hurry and the bark of Kiba ordering more water pitchers to be filled.
He grinned and plunged head-first into the tumult of the late-lunch crowd.
Author's Note: Yes, yes, I mentioned Sora, even though he's not technically a true part of the Naruto storyline. But I thought it appropriate to my story. Naruto and Sora went at it like the Dobe and Sasuke do, so it worked.
Thank you to the five people who reviewed. I wish that more would. If you guys are wondering why I am not mentioning you by name, it's just because my account is acting strangely and I can't view my reviews, so I can't get your usernames to thank you properly either. I appologize and try to get that working as soon as possible.
I just finished going through the Shikamaru/Asuma storyarch and it was amazing like I remembered!
Anyway, thanks for reading this at least. R&R