Standard Disclaimer – I don't own Twilight or an of the characters from the story. All song selections have been provided by me amazing beta, NoWayWithWords. She is the greatest! She has set up a YouTube Playlist that includes the songs chosen for the chapters. If you would like to check it out, see my profile for the link.

The song for the chapter is "Missing" by Evanescence.

Chapter 18 – Going through the Motions

Tears were running down my face in a steady stream. The note was so impersonal. I thought we had something special. I thought he felt it too. I knew he was going to leave, but I didn't expect it to be so soon. I expected to wake up in his arms and spend the morning telling him how much I was going to miss him. I expected him to promise me he was going to call me every day. I even half expected that I would break down and tell him that I loved him. I didn't expect this.

In a zombie state, I took a shower and got dressed. I was functioning completely on autopilot while I packed everything up in my duffle bag. Nate knocked on my door at 11:15 am to let me know the bus was here to pick me up.

"Damn, Bella, you look like shit. What's wrong?"

I somehow managed to squeak out, "He's gone" between sobs.

"Who's gone?"

I tried to say it, but I couldn't manage to speak his name.

Nate pulled me into his arms, "That was a stupid question. You don't have to answer it. I know. You fell in love with him. I could tell when I saw the way you looked at him. Don't worry. It will all work out for the best. You'll see."

I grabbed the last tissue from the box in the room and blew my nose. Nate went into the bathroom and brought back the roll of toilet paper.

"Here, Bella, this room was expensive enough. They can spare an extra roll of toilet paper for a woman with a broken heart. Let's get out of here, before Felix threatens to break my legs."

I gave a faint chuckle as he picked up my bag and led me out of the room. I turned and gave the room one last look before closing the door and crying again. The bus we were in was much smaller than the other one. It had 3 sets of bunk beds, so it could sleep 6 people. There was only one bathroom, but the shower was inside the bathroom, so that wasn't so bad. There were no kitchen, closet, or couches.

The front of the bus had three rows of bucket seats, with three seats per row. They were covered in ridiculously bright multicolored fabric. There were little drop down trays on the backs of the seats, like you see on airplanes. There was only one TV, and it was mounted on the ceiling. It had a DVD player, but no game systems.

I plopped down in one of the seats and tore off some toilet paper from the roll that I was carrying, so I could blow my nose. Bree came over and sat down beside me. She didn't say anything; she just put her hand on my shoulder and gave me a sympathetic look. We sat together in relative silence for a little while. The only sound was my sniffling and blowing my nose.

We stopped sometime in the afternoon to get something to eat. I had no appetite, but Nate insisted that I eat something, so I had half of a burger and a few French fries. When we got back on the bus to continue on our way to Detroit, I found my bunk and took a nap. I knew that we had a show to do when we got there, and even though I was in no mood at all, my fans were looking forward to the show. They didn't pay to see a heartbroken zombie. They paid to watch me perform and I didn't want to disappoint them, so I had to give it 100%. I couldn't do that if I was dead on my feet.

Before drifting off, I had a fleeting thought that maybe Edward would text me when he got settled in. Maybe he had to rush to the airport, so he didn't have time to say everything he wanted to say. Maybe he would call me once he got everything situated. Maybe I was making a big deal over nothing. That was what it took for me to relax enough to get to sleep.

It didn't take long to get from New York to Detroit. While I slept, everyone else unloaded the equipment and set it up on stage. Jasper had arranged to hire five people from the local homeless shelter to sell CDs, t-shirts, posters, key chains, bandanas, and red silk scarves. They were each given a t-shirt to keep, but they had to wear it while they worked. Bree knew exactly how many of each item we had and how much each item was being sold for. When the concert was over, she was going to take inventory and confirm that the money was correct. If it was, they would each get 5% of the total sales, on top of their pay checks, as a bonus for doing a good job and being trustworthy. He had the same set-up arranged for each concert.

Nate woke me up three hours before the show, so I had plenty of time to take a shower, get dressed, do my hair, and put on make-up. He told me that a local band was going to open for us. Bree and Riley were inside helping them get set up, and Twix was testing the sound system.

"I know it's none of my business, but are you sure you're up for the show tonight, Bella? You've been pretty upset."

"It is your business, Nate. You're a part of this band, too. If I can't perform, it affects you just as much as it affects me. The only difference is that I'm the one that will get the bad press about it, not you or the others."

"You're right, it does affect me. So, do you think you're going to be able to sing tonight?"

I thought about it a minute while I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were still a little red and swollen, but nothing compared to how they had been before my nap. I put some Visine drops in my eyes to help deal with them being bloodshot and put some extra make-up on my nose, to hide the pink, from blowing my nose too much.

"I think I'm going to be fine, but how are we going to do 'Dirty Boy?'"

"I'm not sure about that. I know the words, so I could do it, but I have to play the drums. Jasper made Riley learn all of the words, so he could do it, but he blushes every time and it ruins the effect of the song. Bree's a girl, so that won't work. Maybe we can get Twix to come up on stage and do it. We will have to ask him. If he can't do it, we may just have to scratch the song from our playlist."

"We can't do that! It's my number one hit. It's the song everyone wants to hear." I said, shooting him a scowl at even suggesting such a thing. "I'll figure something out."

I finished getting ready and went inside to meet the opening band. I was shocked that they seemed so star struck when they shook my hand. One of them asked if I would autograph his guitar case. He even had a permanent marker ready, so I did as he asked.

I found Bree giving instructions to the people that would be selling the merchandise. I went over and shook hands with each of them and thanked them for coming out to sell my things. They all seemed impressed that I bothered to introduce myself to them. I said hello to the security guards and the people that were working the ticket counters and met the manager of the facility. He was a nice guy.

He had the security guard take my picture with him and his staff, and then he took a picture of me standing with the security guards. I asked him to take a picture of me with the merchandise people, and he followed me over to the booth so we could take the picture.

I went backstage to look around, while he printed off several copies of the pictures. I autographed a picture for each person and then hand delivered them and asked them to sign my picture. By the time I was done, I had three pictures covered in autographs. I took them out to the bus, so they wouldn't get messed up. When I returned through the backstage door, people were starting to arrive for the show, so I stayed backstage.

The opening band was pretty good. They rushed their songs a little because they were nervous, I'm sure. When they finished, they exited the stage and I stopped them.

"You did a great job out there guys, now you have to go back out there and do an encore."

The singer said, "We already did all of our good songs. We don't have anything left."

"Sure you do." I said confidently. "Do you have something new you've been working on, or maybe something old that you like to play around with?"

One of the guys said, "When we goof around, we sometimes play a rocked out version of an old Dean Martin song."

"That's perfect, now get out there and play it for me."

They went back on stage and rocked it. I was very impressed with the old song. When they came off stage again, I suggested they look into getting the rights to record it. I was sure it would be a big hit.

Twix was making some last minute adjustments before we went on stage, so we had to wait a few minutes. Bree looked like she was going to pass out. I told her to watch where she was walking when she went on stage and focus on Riley, or close her eyes if she was frightened.

Twix blinked a little light to let us know he was ready, so everyone took their places. I checked my earplugs one more time before joining the rest of the band on stage. The house was packed. As I stepped into the spotlight, they all started screaming and whistling. It was a real boost to my ego.

I smiled from ear to ear as I started to sing and dance. I worked the crowd, just like Edward taught me. I had them singing along with me, clapping their hands, and swaying side to side. We finished up the set, saving "Dirty Boy" for the encore.

We had exited the stage and the crowd was going wild. Riley looked like he was going to burst into flames at the idea of singing the back ground of "Dirty Boy" on stage. You would think I was sending a monk to a strip club for a lap dance. I patted him on the back and told him not to worry as we went back on stage.

I made my way to the center of the stage and said, "I need a couple of guys to come up here and help me sing 'Dirty Boy.' You have to know the words. Do I have any volunteers?"

I lifted my hand to block my eyes from the light, so I could see. I picked two guys at random and brought them on stage. I set up a microphone for them to share and asked them again if they knew the words. They said that they did, so we started the song. They actually did really good. I danced around and flirted with them a little, which would distract them from what they were supposed to say, but the crowd was all singing along, so they quickly picked up where they were supposed to be. After the song was over, I thanked them and gave them each a kiss on the cheek.

I thanked the crowd again and told them to be careful going home, before exiting the stage. The house lights came up and everyone started making their way to the exits. The opening band started packing up their equipment while people were piling out, but we had to wait until almost everyone was gone before we could get our stuff loaded up. Twix was still working on putting his stuff away when we were finally cleared to load up.

The security guards helped us carry the heavy stuff while Bree and Riley went to take inventory and pay the people selling CDs and merchandise. We helped load up the things that didn't sell, thanked everyone again, and climbed on the bus to leave.

Once on the bus, I checked my cell phone to see if I had a message from Edward, but found nothing, so I sent him a text message.

We just finished the show in Detroit. It went great. How was your flight?

I wondered what the time difference was between Detroit and London. When I didn't get a response back within 15 minutes or so, I figured he might be sleeping off jet lag or something.

We drove through the night and half the next day. By the time we reached Oklahoma City, my legs felt like rubber from riding on the bus too long. Nate kept us busy working on new songs, so we wouldn't be bored. We stopped for dinner before heading to our concert venue. It was smaller than the place in Detroit, but it was still nice. We got everything set up quickly. I was happy to find a functioning washer and dryer in a storage closet back stage. I asked the manager's permission before I started a load of everybody's laundry.

Nate and Riley helped me fold everything and haul it back to the bus while Bree worked with the merchandise people. One of the ladies working security gave me a ceramic cow wearing a cowboy had that said "Oklahoma is OK" on it. I thought it was funny looking. I had her and everyone else working the show sign it for me. I figured I would put it on a shelf with my autographed cowboy hat.

The show went exactly like the one in Detroit. The crowd was really into it. I even had guys from the audience sing back up on "Dirty Boy" for me. I had so much fun on stage that I really didn't want to get back on the bus again. Unfortunately, Felix said we were on a tight time schedule and had to leave.

As soon as I got on the bus, I checked my phone for messages from Edward, but again there was nothing. I tried to make excuses for the lack of contact. I tried to convince myself that he really wanted to talk to me, but he was so busy trying to get everything going on the European tour that he hadn't had a chance to call, or maybe he didn't call because he knew I was on stage or sleeping. When I climbed in my bunk to get some sleep, I sent him another text.

Oklahoma City was great. They gave me a ceramic cow. Tomorrow I'll be in Albuquerque. I hope all is good there. Call me or send a text. – B.

I slept while the bus rolled down the highway. We got into Albuquerque before lunch time. Twix insisted we go to a restaurant that didn't have a drive thru window, so we headed to a steak house for lunch. It was a little more than we had budgeted for, but we decided that we deserved to splurge a little.

I looked through the menu and decided on a grilled portabella mushroom with a side of asparagus, rather than a steak and a baked potato, like everyone else. Of course they all gave me shit about it, but I didn't care. I used the excuse that I had to watch my figure, but the truth was that I still had no appetite at all. I managed to eat half of my grilled mushroom, which wasn't that bad considering that it was the same size as Bree's steak, and I ate half of my asparagus. When the waiter cleared the table, he boxed up my leftovers for me. I didn't even think about us not having a refrigerator to put it in until we climbed back on the bus. I asked Felix to stop at a gas station, so I could throw the food away, but he decided to keep it to eat later.

Felix drove us to the place we were going to be playing, but no one was there to let us in, so he took us to a shopping mall to kill some time. While everyone else headed into the mall, I stretched out in my bunk and took a nap. The more I got depressed about not hearing from Edward, the more I slept and the less I wanted to eat. If it weren't for Nate giving me a hard time, I probably would have stopped eating altogether.

I woke up an hour and a half later, when everyone climbed back on the bus. Twix managed to get in touch with someone who was going to let us in the theater, so we could get set up. Bree had picked up some jeans on clearance, and Riley bought a couple of t-shirts with funny sayings on them. The only thing Nate bought was a huge bag of candy coated popcorn. It smelled like Fruit Loop cereal.

He came and sat next to me on my bunk. "Would you like to try some candied popcorn? It's mixed fruit-flavored." He handed me a yellow one, a purple one, and a red one.

I hesitantly stuck the yellow one in my mouth. It was surprisingly delicious. I scarfed down the others and took the bag from him before he had a chance to argue with me. By the time he took it away, I had consumed half the bag. "Damn, girl, if I had known you were going to eat them all, I would have gotten you your own bag."

"Maybe we'll be able to go back and get some more after we get set up," I said, with a hopeful look on my face.

"We'll have to see," he said, sounding a lot like my dad.

We pulled up at the theater and piled out of the bus. A security guard was there to unlock the building. We had to wait outside for him to deactivate the alarm and turn the lights on. When he came back, he checked our ID and held the door open for us while we carried everything in. He didn't offer to help us carry anything. He just stood there holding the door and watching us. Once we had everything inside, he followed us in and took a seat in one of the front row chairs to watch us get set up.

It didn't take long for us to set up and test everything. We still had a few hours before we had to be back, so Felix asked us if there was anywhere we wanted to go.

I spoke up, "Do you mind stopping at a Walgreens? I need to get a prescription refilled. I wouldn't mind running back to the mall for some popcorn, too."

No one objected, so Felix punched some buttons on his GPS to direct us to the nearest Walgreens drug store. We all went inside. Twix picked up an ice chest, some ice, some bottled water, and a few six packs of generic sodas. Felix grabbed some chips and gum. I noticed Bree and Riley walking together over by the greeting cards, but I couldn't tell if they were buying anything. Nate headed for the toy section. I was too afraid to look at what he was putting in his cart.

I headed to the back and pulled out my almost empty pack of birth control pills. I only had one more day left. "Excuse me; I need to get this refilled."

He typed the prescription number into his computer and said, "I'm sorry ma'am, there are no more refills on this prescription. If you can get your doctor to call in a refill, we have them in stock. Do you need the phone number? It shows up here in my system."

I picked up my cell phone and dialed the number he gave me, only to get the answering machine. I left a message for them to call me back.

The pharmacist looked apologetic, "Sorry I couldn't help you. We are open 24 hours, if they call back. In the meantime, I would suggest picking up some condoms or one of the other over the counter forms of birth control."

"That will be alright. My boyfriend is working overseas right now, so I'm in no hurry. I'll probably wait until I get home. I'm due for a well woman exam anyway. Thank you for the suggestion though."

The pharmacist smiled, "Alright, you have a good evening then."

We left from there and headed back to the mall. I followed Nate to the candy store and loaded up on popcorn. I bought three bags of the fruit-flavored popcorn and one that was labeled as "Hot Cinnamon". It tasted just like someone melted a bunch of Hot Tamales candies and poured them over popcorn. Nate picked up some Jelly Belly jellybeans then we left to find the others.

We were walking through the mall with our huge shopping bag full of yummy goodness when I was stopped by a group of teenage girls who wanted my autograph. I handed my bag to Nate, so I could sign things. I was glad that I had two permanent markers in my purse, one black and one silver. Garrett had given them to me when we first met. He insisted I keep them on me at all times.

When the girls dispersed, we walked a little further and were stopped again. I signed some more things and had my picture taken with a few people. Nate saw another group coming and sighed loudly. I apologized, but he just smiled. He knew I wasn't purposely delaying him. Twenty minutes later, the rest of the band found us. They had heard that "The famous Bella Swan" was signing autographs down by the pretzel place.

Twix managed to get the crowd to back off and let me leave. I was glad because my hand was starting to cramp up. People were following me and taking pictures as I walked out of the mall and headed for the bus. Twix had to stop some people from trying to follow me into the parking lot. They didn't like it much, but he didn't care. They were going overboard.

When he got on the bus he said, "Bella, remind me not to let you go to the mall anymore. Those people are insane! Did you see that man taking your picture? I swear he took at least 50 pictures. What kind of guy walks around with a big camera hanging around his neck, anyway? It's not like he is going to find any rare birds flying around in a shopping mall."

"He was probably a reporter," I said as I munched on some fruity popcorn.

"Why would a reporter hang out at a shopping mall?" Twix asked.

"He probably followed the bus. They know my concert is tonight, so I have to be in town. He was probably watching the theater, waiting to see when we got there. When we left, he probably followed the bus to the mall."

"It seems kind of desperate, don't you think?"

"Sure, but if he really is a reporter, or a free lance photographer, it's his job."

Riley spoke up, "Doesn't it creep you out to have all those people approaching you like that? They all want your autograph and want to take your picture. They follow you around and tell you how much they love you and how your music changed their lives. It's creepy."

"It can be kind of annoying, but I don't mind it that much. It comes with the job. I love performing. You can't be a good performer if you hate being the center of attention. So far, my fans have been pretty good. I haven't had any death threats yet and most of them are really nice. The music teacher that taught me to play the guitar had a sign posted on the wall that said, 'Fame and fortune come at a cost of privacy.' He used to tell his students that if they really wanted to keep their privacy, they should stay away from careers in acting, the music industry, or politics."

Bree said, "It sounds like he was a smart man."

"Yes, he was."

There were a few cars in the parking lot, when we got back to the theater. I noticed some girls unloading a drum set from the back of a white minivan. Twix and Riley got out and offered them a hand. Apparently they were the opening band. I could see the jealousy written all over Bree's face. She obviously didn't like Riley talking to the girls.

"You know, Bree, if I were you, I would go over there and help them, too. That way you can stay by Riley's side, show him you're helpful, friendly, and not a petty little girl. While you do this, you can make sure those girls don't have any alone time with him."

Before I could say another word, she shot out of the bus and trotted to Riley's side.

Felix laughed and shook his head. "Those two are something else," he said.

"Yes, they are," I agreed.

The theater had a dressing room that I could use to get dressed, so I carried my dress in, along with my bag of make-up and hair stuff. I took a long hot shower and got dressed comfortably. I was just finishing my hair when a young man knocked on my dressing room door to tell me that I had a delivery. When I opened the door, I was surprised to see he was holding a large bouquet of roses in cream and dusty pink, the exact colors of the bra and panties Edward took with him when he left. I knew they had to be from him as soon as I saw the colors. My heart started pounding in my chest as I thanked the delivery guy and sat them on my dressing room table. I hastily grabbed the card and ripped it open.

A/N: Before you even ask… No, she did not hear Edward say that he loves her. She was asleep, so she doesn't know that he even said goodbye. He is scheduled to be gone for several months. This story will follow Bella until she meets back up with Edward again. (Yes, they will meet again.)