Standard Disclaimer – I don't own Twilight or any of the characters from the story. All song selections have been provided by me amazing beta, NoWayWithWords. She is the greatest! She has set up a YouTube Playlist that includes the songs chosen for the chapters. If you would like to check it out, see my profile for the link.

The song for this chapter is "Red Light Fever" by Liz Phair.

Chapter 29 – Reality Check

Previously…. "Which lines am I supposed to read between that say anything remotely indicating that you care? Is it in the 'Maybe we'll do it again someday,' because my brain keeps getting stuck on the 'maybe' part. Oh, it might be hidden in 'I enjoyed performing with you' because I can't seem to get past the 'performing' part of that sentence."

"You kept the letter?" Edward said as he took it from my hand and looked at it. "Why?"

Tears started flowing down my cheek. I swiped at them and said, "Because I'm a sick, masochistic idiot, that's why. I kept reading it over and over trying to find the hidden words that I wanted to hear, but they were never there."

Edward's head dropped and he whispered, "What did you want to hear, Bella? What did you want me to say? I had to go. We both knew that I had to go. What could I have said that would make this any easier on either of us?"

"If I have to tell you, then you obviously didn't have even half the feelings for me that I have for you. You truly are a cruel and heartless bastard."

Edward ran his fingers through his hair roughly and gave it a sharp tug. "Damn it, Bella! Would you please just tell me what I needed to say? Don't you think this hasn't been hard on me, too? I have no appetite. I hardly sleep. I can barely even convince myself to get out there on stage, because you're not there, and that's always been one of the things I love to do more than anything in the world. Hell, I can't even focus on reading a fucking magazine unless your picture is in it."

He got up and was pacing the floor. He stopped and dropped to his knees in front of me. His eyes were full of pain and anguish. "Bella, please, tell me what I should have said. Tell me how to make it better. Tell me what I need to do, so I can sleep at night. Tell me what is going to make me smile again and stop constantly looking over my shoulder hoping that some magical force is going to intervene and you will appear before me on the other side of the fucking world. What should I have done differently, Bella? Please. I had to run out the door. I was out of time."

I wiped a tear from his cheek and whispered, "You should have said that you'll miss me. You should have promised to call me or send me emails. You should have told me that you can't wait until you can come back to me. You should have begged me to get my passport, so I could come see you." I took a ragged breath. "Edward, you should have known these things before you left. The fact that you didn't know makes me think that you really didn't feel that way. This scares me because these are all the things that I felt. When you left the way that you did, and didn't even try to contact me all this time, it made me think that I'm not really that important to you."

"You are important to me. I tried to tell you before I left."

"When? All I remember was that you were too busy to talk to me on that last night."

Edward hung his head and said, "I'm sorry. Everything was crazy that night. I tried to talk to you before I left, but I guess you were sleeping too soundly to remember. I wanted to call, but I've had shit luck with phones over there and then when I finally got the number after asking my mom for it five times, I choked up. I didn't know what to say. I guess I just needed some time to figure it out."

"Edward, do you know that while you were trying to figure it out, I managed to write three songs, buy a house, do a mini concert tour, and start the process of adopting a child? Life waits for no one, Edward. I'm not saying that I'm going to start dating someone tomorrow, next week, or even next month, but I can tell you that I won't wait forever and I won't stand for being ignored while you sample other options. You either want me or you don't. I have been living under the impression that you don't. If I'm wrong, you need to man up and tell me; otherwise I will continue with business as usual."

Edward got up and marched over to the window. He looked outside at the alleyway below and said, "I don't know what I want, Bella. I think that I want you, but we seem to be moving in different directions right now. I told you how I feel about marriage and children. I've never pictured myself ever wanting a woman for more than just casual sex, but I think that I want more with you. I enjoy your company and want to talk to you. I want to hold you and share my experiences with you, but you are pushing things much faster than I am comfortable with. I'm just barely coming to terms with the idea of wanting a girlfriend and now you are telling me that that girlfriend is going to come with a ready-made family? I don't know if I can handle this right now. I think I need more time."

I wiped the tears from my eyes and walked to the door. I held it open and said, "Thank you for being honest with me, Edward. You have a plane to catch. Goodbye."

Peter got up and walked out into the hallway. Edward followed, but stopped in front of me. He turned so he was facing me and said, "I'll miss you, Bella. I'll try to call and email if I can. Please give me some time. Please slow down and don't rush into anything crazy. I just need a chance to catch up."

"If I don't answer the phone, please at least leave a message so I know it was you that called. Your number comes across as unknown and I have received some really ugly text messages from an unknown number, so I don't always know who it is."

Peter spoke up, "That was probably Jane. She was always messing with Edward's phone when he didn't have it on him. We are worried that she might have sent herself some incriminating text messages to frame Edward. I guess we'll find out when we meet with the lawyer in a couple days."

"Please tell Esme that I said happy birthday and good luck with the Jane situation. Let me know if there is any way that I can help."

Edward leaned forward and kissed my cheek. "I'll call you tomorrow, Bella."

"Okay. Thank you."

I stood there and watched them walk down the hall. Edward had his head hanging down as he walked. Peter clasped Edward on the shoulder in a manly show of support. Once they were out of sight, I closed the door and collapsed on the floor in tears. How could one man hurt me so much? How could he find a way to cut me to the bone time and time again? How could my heart so easily open back up to him after all this time, not to mention all of the pain and sadness that he already caused?

I pulled myself off of the floor and went into the bathroom to splash my face with cool water. I checked to make sure my phone was plugged into the charger and then climbed in bed. I was so exhausted from my emotional meltdown that I fell asleep within seconds.

The room phone ringing woke me up the next morning. It was the front desk giving me a wakeup call. I climbed out of bed and stumbled into the shower. I stood under the hot water and prayed that it would somehow wash away the memories of the previous evening. Before last night, I would have given anything to see Edward again, but now I wish he had never called. I was angry with him for not realizing that he had done something wrong. I was angry that he was stupid enough to think that everything could just go back to normal after our time together. I was angry that he didn't call me, when he was obviously hurting. I was angry that he was just now thinking he MIGHT want to think of me as a girlfriend. I was angry that he would reconsider that simply because I was trying to adopt Lucy.

He was by far the most selfish, arrogant, hard headed, idiot that I had ever known, but he was also the most beautiful, talented, caring, and charming man I had ever been with. I didn't know whether to kick him or kiss him. I wanted to scream at him and tell him to get the hell out of my life, but at the same time, I wanted to hold onto him and never let him go. This conflict had me seriously fucked in the head.

I called the airline and upgraded to first class for the flight home. I didn't feel like messing with the people in coach. I was in no mood and I would be flying at a very busy time of day, so I paid the extra money for the better seats. I caught a taxi to the airport and was lucky enough to make it through the lines pretty quickly, so I found the private lobby for first class passengers and waited there until my flight was ready to board.

There was a man sitting by the window with a young boy who was wearing a tag that said that he was flying alone. When the boy saw me, he smiled and whispered to the man beside him. The man looked up at me and smiled as I smiled back at them. I walked over and took a seat near them and listened as the little boy was pointing out the different planes from the different airlines. He kept asking, "Is that my plane?"

The man would say, "Nope. Your plane is bigger."

He pointed at another one and asked, "What about that one? It's bigger."

The man shook his head. "Nope. Yours is not coming from that direction."

As the boy kept asking, the man kept coming up with different reasons why it wasn't the right plane. It was cute, but at the same time, I wondered why the man didn't just tell the boy what time the plane was expected to arrive.

Finally the boy got tired of looking at planes and turned around to look at me. The man was busy reading a newspaper, so he didn't notice when the boy came over to me and asked, "Is it in there?" He was pointing at my carry on bag.

"Is what in there?" I asked.

"The red dress. Is it in there?"

The man looked up and quickly came over where I was sitting, "I'm so sorry. I hope he didn't bother you. Joshua, go sit down and leave the poor lady alone."

He looked up at the man and said, "I just wanted to know if she had the dress in the bag."

The man pointed and gave the boy a firm look. The boy sighed and marched over and took his seat as the man apologized again and walked over to join the boy. I waited until the boy looked up at me again and said, "No, the dress is at home. I didn't bring it with me this time."

The boy turned to the man and said, "Uncle Mike, can I ask her another question, please?"

The man looked over at me. I nodded my head in approval. "Go ahead, but don't talk her ear off. She probably is in here trying to relax before her flight."

The boy asked, "Where are you going?"

"I'm going home to Seattle."

The boy's face lit up. "I'm going to Seattle, too. My grandma lives there. I'm going to visit with her for a whole month."

"You must be excited. Have you ever been to Seattle before?"

"No. Grandma usually comes to visit me in Atlanta, but I don't live there no more."

"Do you live here in New York now?"

The boy nodded. "I live with Uncle Mike now. I was with Aunt Becky before, but she said she can't take care of me and her three kids. Uncle Mike doesn't have any kids, so he let me stay with him. He has a big apartment. I even have my own room. I didn't have that at Aunt Becky's. I shared a room in her trailer with her two boys."

I wondered where this little boy's parents were, but didn't want to ask. Instead I just nodded my head and smiled. "I'm glad that you like it here in New York. It seems like a great city. I think you will like Seattle too. Maybe your grandmother will take you to the space needle or the aquarium. They are really fun places to visit."

"What's a space needle?"

"It's a really tall building that you can go up in and see all the way around the city. The inside spins really slowly, so you can sit in one place and see everything, or you can go outside on the observation deck and walk around to look. I used to like going there when I was a kid."

Before the boy had a chance to ask anything else, a lady came on the speaker informing us that our plane had arrived and they would be announcing our boarding shortly. The man got up and told the boy that they needed to head over to the gate so he could get on the plane. The boy seemed irritated that he missed the plane coming in, but got up anyway. I didn't see the boy for the rest of the trip because he ended up sitting with the flight attendants.

Overall, the flight was uneventful. I was lucky that no one sat beside me, so I opened my laptop and put on my headphones to worked on some music. I wrote a sassy little song about showing an ex-lover what they walked away from. It was a non-stop flight, so I had a little over 6 hours to work on it without too many interruptions.

When we arrived in Seattle, I turned on my phone. I had a text message from Jasper letting him know that he was going to meet me in baggage claim. I also had two missed calls. I called my voicemail to listen to the messages. The first one was Jasper telling me the same thing that he had texted me. The second was Edward. My heart lurched at the sound of his voice.

He said, "Ummm… Hi, Bella. It's Edward. I promised that I would call. I'm at home. You're probably flying and won't get the message for a while, but when you do, call me at this number. It's my house. My mom still has my cell and I can't charge my other one here in the US. I guess I'll talk to you later. Bye."

I saved the number into my phone so I would have it, and continued to make my way to baggage claim.

When I got there, Jasper was standing by the conveyor belt waiting for my suitcase to appear. When he spotted me he smiled and waved.

"I'll get it," he said as the luggage started to come down the conveyor belt. Thankfully it didn't take very long for him to find my suitcase, because the entire time he was waiting, I was standing there signing autographs and posing for pictures.

Once we were loaded up in the car and pulled out of the airport parking lot, Jasper said, "Bella, you won't believe how good those pictures turned out. Laurent overnighted them to me so I got them this morning. I might have drooled a little bit on a few of them." He gave me a wink. "I like Laurent's recommendations for the CD layout. I'll show it to you when we get home. He made some suggestions for a few posters and set some others aside for a potential calendar. If we decide to do the calendar, he'd have a take a few more pictures."

"So I would need to travel again?" I asked with a sigh.

"No, when I spoke to him earlier he said that he could probably come to Seattle when he gets back from Europe." Jasper glanced at me and said, "Bella, Laurent doesn't travel for just anyone. He must have been really impressed with you for him to be willing to come here just to take your pictures. I think it's something we should discuss. When you see the pictures he recommends for the calendar, I think they'll blow you away."

"I don't know, Jasper. I don't think people would want to look at me all year long. I could see maybe a month, like if it was a calendar with a bunch of other people in it, but an entire year of just me? That's just kind of… I don't know… arrogant, maybe?"

"Bella, your fans would love it. Why do you think they pose for pictures with you? It's not because they want to see themselves. They want to hang a picture on their wall as proof that they were physically near you at one special time in their life. It's a powerful thing. You have the ability to make them happy just by standing beside them and signing a piece of paper."

"I guess I will have to look at the pictures. I was half naked in most of them and completely naked in some. I wanted to look sexy, not slutty, just like you suggested. I'm not sure if that came across. I'll have to see. If it came across like an advertisement for a porn video, I might have to put my foot down."

Jasper laughed, "I think you're going to like what you see, Bella. Believe me; I've done enough modeling to know that the way you feel and what comes out in the picture are two totally separate things. Laurent is a professional. He knows how to get a good shot. I think you'll be impressed."

We pulled up at Jasper's house a few minutes later. Alice wasn't home, so it was just the two of us. We sat at the kitchen table and looked through the pictures together. He was right. I was very impressed with the shots that Laurent had taken. He had them clipped into categories. The first that Jasper let me look at was the CD layout. The one labeled "cover" was a shot taken of me on the bed. He had taken this picture from behind me. I was propped up on my elbows, with my head hanging back, so the picture almost looked upside down at first. My eyes were closed and my lips were parted. The shot had been taken focusing on my face, so the rest of my body was slightly blurred. You could see my legs up and ankles crossed and make out that I was wearing stockings. You could see the pearls on my neck and pooled on the sheets beneath my head. It was a very sensual picture, but it wasn't too risqué. You could see the swell of my breasts, but you could not see any detail of my nipples, so it wasn't so bad.

The shot he labeled "Inside CD – Rear cover of booklet" was the shot he had taken of me sitting on the stool. I was completely nude, but the satin was covering the crack of my ass. The pearls were draping down my back beautifully. I had one of my legs slightly out, so you could see the stockings. My arms were up and I looked like I was fixing a curl in my hair that was swept up beautifully. Since my arms were up, you could barely make out the side of my breast, but it wasn't obscene. The oval mirror in front of me reflected my face, neck and shoulders, but it didn't show any of my breasts. In this picture, I was looking at myself and not at the camera, so it looked like it was taken on accident. Overall, it showed a lot more skin that I intended, but it was a beautiful picture. I told Jasper that I would have to think about that one, because my dad's friends would see it down at the station. Jasper suggested that I show it to my dad before we make the final decision.

There were a few shots labeled, "Shots for inside pages of CD booklet – to be done translucent, with all typing overlaying the shots." Those were close ups of random things. There was a shot of the tops of my stockings, showing the bows and pearls on them. The next was a close up of my neck, focused on the pearls. There was a profile of my face, and another photo of me looking over my bare shoulder. There was a blurry one of me looking like I was sleeping and a close up of just my face. In that shot, my head was pointing down slightly, but my eyes were looking up, so I looked sexy and innocent at the same time. I liked them.

There were a few shots of just the pink satin sheets that he had labeled as "Background material" and one shot that he had labeled as "Rear Cover". The rear cover shot was of me holding the sheet around me as I stepped toward the antique makeup table. The sheet was flowing behind me like the train of a wedding dress. My leg was stepping forward, so you could see the stocking clearly. I was looking down and holding the sheet, so you could see my profile and the pearls were on display around my neck and could be seen just slightly on my barely visible exposed back. I liked that picture a lot.

The pictures that Laurent had recommended for my posters were good. They didn't show nearly as much skin as the CD did. There were three of them. One of them was taking during the CD cover pictures. It was taken from above, with me lying slightly on my side. My hair was up but looking slightly disheveled. The pearls were flowing out around my head. The sheet was pulled up over me, but my leg was bent slightly and sticking out from beneath the sheets. I had a slight smile on my face. It was hard to tell whether I had just gotten up from a nap or I had just been thoroughly fucked.

The second poster shot was taken of me wearing my jeans and scarf top. I was barefoot and laughing as I looked back at the camera over my shoulder. I was standing in front of a big mirror, so you could see the rest of me reflected in the mirror. I was holding a stuffed puppy in my hands. The thing that had made me laugh in the picture was that the puppy sounded like he farted when you squeezed his stomach.

The last poster picture was taken outside on the steps. I was wearing the black spandex pants and maroon corset. I was sprawled out with my legs slightly apart. Laurent had me posed so that I was leaning back on one elbow. It was the most unnatural and uncomfortable pose possible, but the picture looked great. I looked steamy and sexy.

There were seven shots marked for the calendar layout. One was of me dirty, kicked back in the hay by the car parts. The next showed me dancing in my fringe dress. After that was one of me standing on the street corner in the corset, with the wind blowing in my hair. The fourth was a close up of me laughing with my eyes sparkling, followed by a shot of me in the white eyelet lace top with a fake flower in my hair. Next to last was one of me wearing his black robe, sitting on a chrome plated stool. My hair was up and I was wearing some really sparkly fake diamond earrings that almost reached my shoulders. The robe was hanging open slightly and I was pulling on some black fishnet stockings.

The last picture was not posed at all. I was changing clothes when he took the picture. In it, the button up shirt I was wearing was completely unbuttoned and hanging open slightly, so you could see my white push up bra and quite a bit of cleavage. My hair was down and hanging in full waves around my shoulders. I was pulling my jeans up, so they were still open. Laurent had just called my name, so I looked up and he took the picture. It was a candid moment, but it still looked great.

"So, Bella, what do you think?" Jasper asked.

"I have to admit, he does great work. I like them. I think I might even consider doing the calendar. I still have to clear these CD pictures with my dad, but other than that, I think they turned out great. Now all we have to do is actually record the CD."

Jasper and I started talking about plans for the CD and what the band had worked on. According to him, they had been working on the song that I said that I didn't want to change, but they wanted to play it for me before they recorded anything. I was glad that they were waiting, because I wanted that one to be perfect. Jasper asked when I would be available to start recording again. I told him that I would love to start as soon as possible, but I wasn't sure when I would be able to get moved. In the meantime, I would be staying at my dad's place, so Jasper offered to let me stay in his guest room until my house was finished.

He suggested I go home and pack up everything that I was going to bring to the new house and put it in his the garage. He even offered to drive down and help me pick my stuff up. I wasn't planning on moving that much and I was pretty sure it could all fit in my car, so I politely turned down his offer.

Before I left Jasper's house to head back to Forks, I called Edward. I got his answering machine, so I left a message. "Hey, Edward. It's Bella. I was just returning your call. I'm leaving Seattle now and heading to my Dad's place. It will take me about four hours to get there. I hope everything is going well there. Give my love to your mom and say 'Hi' to Peter. Bye."

I hung up the phone and turned up the music for the long drive home. There was something about the drive to Forks that was almost soothing. I had done it so many times that I could probably do it in my sleep. Nothing changed. The sights were the same time after time. I had yet to find anywhere as beautiful. Occasionally I would see some deer crossing the road as I was driving through the Olympic National Forest, so I was always on alert and kept my speed down. I had seen too many cars with crunched bumpers and busted windshields because they hit a deer. I was lucky that I had never had that problem.

My dad was waiting for me when I got home. He had already ordered pizza and said it would be there any minute. We sat on the couch and talked about the photo shoot and my trip to New York. I told him about the pictures that we were thinking about using for the CD cover. I was honest with him and told him that you could see my back side, but not my butt and that the worst you could see was just the edge of the side of my boob. I told him that I would show him the pictures before I posted them and let him decide if he thought they were in bad taste or not. If he didn't like them, I would use one of the other pictures instead. He thanked me for taking his feelings into consideration, but said that ultimately it was my decision.

"Besides, Bells, I can always say that you used a body double for the pictures or something."

I laughed at him and said, "Okay, you can tell them that it was a Victoria's Secret model pretending to be me."

"I think they would believe me. They've known you your entire life. You know they wouldn't want to think you actually looked like that. Besides, they would probably want to gang up on the guy that took your pictures and kick his ass."

I almost rolled off the couch I was laughing so hard. I described Laurent to my father and told him about how I wasn't sure what Mario's purpose was, other than decoration and picking up breakfast. He thought that was funny. He made a comment about how come he couldn't hire a model to sit around in the station in a bathing suit just waiting for someone to tell her to fetch lunch for the guys. I teased him by suggesting he bring it up at the next city council meeting.

I really enjoyed my relaxing evening with my dad. I think we spent more time talking that night than we had in the previous year. This made me realize just low lucky I was to have such a great dad. The simple fact that he was willing to support me and love me regardless of what I was doing with my life was truly a blessing.

The next morning, I started the process of going through my room and deciding what I was taking, what I was donating to charity, and what I was throwing away. My dad helped me tape up and label the boxes of things that I wasn't going to need right away. We didn't bother boxing up the clothes I was going to be wearing. We just wrapped them up it in a sheet and stuffed the bundle into the passenger seat of my car.

We filled the back with boxes of winter clothes that I wouldn't need for a while, my alarm clock, a fan, my stereo, and an old TV that dad had sitting in his room and never used. Dad also gave me an old tool box that contained a flashlight, a hammer and some nails, two different kinds of screwdrivers, and a pair of pliers. He said it would come in handy if I had any little things around the house that needed my attention. He stuck a list of additional items inside that he thought I should pick up, like some screws, a saw, a level, and some other stuff that I didn't recognize.

Once everything was loaded up, I gave my dad a kiss and promised that I would call once I arrived at Jasper and Alice's house. He warned me to drive safely, as he always did and slipped a can of pepper spray into my purse before I climbed into my car and left.

I had just passed Port Angeles when I got a call on my cell phone. I pulled to the side of the road, like my dad always told me to do, and answered the call.

"Hello?"

"Bella, dear, it's Esme. How are you doing?"

"Esme! I'm great. How was your birthday yesterday?"

"It was wonderful. Edward made a surprise visit. I didn't expect that. He brought me a beautiful vase from London. It goes perfect with my dining room. I can't wait to fill it with fresh cut flowers and have people over for a dinner party."

"That sounds like a lot of fun. I bet you throw a great party."

"I've never had any complaints," Esme said cheerfully. "Oh, speaking of complaints, I talked to the contractor that did your windows. He said that he found a little water damage in the sheet rock in the formal dining room and in all of the bathrooms. I expected the bathrooms to have water damage due to the toilets being broken, but I didn't expect it in the formal dining room. I contacted my friend there on Mercer Island. He is going to send his crew over to tear out all of the damaged carpeting and replace any sheetrock that is damaged. He's bringing an electrical inspector to make sure the water didn't cause a potential electrical problem. He doesn't expect to find anything, but he would rather be safe than sorry."

Esme's thoughtfulness made me smile. "Thanks Esme, I really appreciate it. I'm moving in with my friends Jasper and Alice today, so I will be only 20 minutes from the house if they need me to stop by."

"That's excellent. I was going to ask if you were going to try to live in the house while it's being renovated. It goes much faster if the workers don't have to worry about messing up your things or waking you up in the morning. I'm glad to hear that you'll be somewhere else."

"I didn't think I could handle all the noise and mess, so when Jasper and Alice offered their spare room, I jumped on the opportunity to stay with them."

"They sound like really good people."

I smiled when I thought about Alice and Jasper. "They are. I'm lucky to know them and even luckier to call them friends."

"Oh, before I forget, I'm emailing you the design plans I came up with for the house. Take a look at them tonight or tomorrow and let me know what you think. I want you to be completely honest. If you see anything that you don't like, feel free to tell me. I promise, it won't hurt my feelings any. This house needs to be what you want, not what I want, so please let me know if you see things that just aren't your style."

"Thank you, Esme. I'll look at it tonight."

"I've also attached a pricing breakdown. When you look at it, you will see two columns. Some things are less expensive if you do them yourself, while others things may not be worth the time and effort for you to mess with. It's completely up to you and what you think you can accomplish. You will see on the price list an estimate on how much it will cost if the contractor does it for you and how much it will cost if you do it yourself. There are a few items where you can reduce cost by doing some of the work and letting the contractor finish it up. I tried to make it as clear as possible, but if you see anything you don't understand, feel free to ask."

"That's great, Esme. I'm really hoping not to have to spend any more than I have to, and I'm not afraid of getting my hands dirty, so I'll definitely look through the list closely."

"Great. I'll send you a couple of links to do-it-yourself websites, so you can see what all is involved and make educated decisions. Some people assume they know what they are doing and end up messing things up. Even if it's something you've done before, like painting, I would still recommend you look up how to do it right."

"I'll do that and hopefully get back to you sometime tomorrow. I want to get this show on the road as soon a possible." I was anxious to have a place to call my home.

"Oh, speaking of shows, I made the last payment for the concert tour today. You should have it in your bank account. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. You should be able to easily cover the construction costs and decorations now."

"That's good to know. I didn't want to have to do part of the construction and then wait until we get the next CD recorded and released before I finished the house."

"I don't think you will have a problem with that, my dear. Oh, I was going to ask you how things are going with Lucy. Have you found out anything on the adoption yet?"

I sighed. "Her mother had some paperwork drawn up that says that I will take custody of Lucy if something happens to her and she dies in prison, but she hasn't officially agreed to let me adopt her yet. I'm still waiting on her decision."

"Well, it sounds like she's made the first step. I doubt you will have to wait much longer before you have that final decision."

"I hope not. Hey, I'll email you a couple of pictures of her tonight, so you can see how adorable she is."

"Please do. I can't wait until I get a chance to meet her and ask her how she wants to decorate her room. Kids that age can be so creative. I already have some great ideas."

"I'll let you know as soon as I have news," I promised.

"Well, I'd better let you get back to whatever it is that you were doing. Edward should be home in a few minutes. I wanted to have some fresh baked cookies ready when he gets here. He loves warm cookies."

"That sounds delicious. I'll have to fly you up here to Seattle to make cookies for me," I said playfully.

She laughed, "I just might take you up on that."

We got off the phone just as the dreary gray clouds parted and rays of sunlight came shining through. It made me smile and perk up considerably as I pulled back out on the road and started on my way.

I called Alice when I got inside the Seattle city limits to see if she needed me to stop and pick anything up before I came. She didn't need anything, so I went straight there. As I pulled into the driveway of their house, Alice, Jasper, and Nate came out to help me unload my car. Within minutes, we had everything set up and the extra boxes stashed in the corner of Jasper's garage.

Nate and Jasper were in the middle of a game of Scrabble at the kitchen table, so Alice and I decided to retreat to my room to pull up Esme's email and look at her proposed design ideas. We were both floored at what we found. Her recommendations were incredible. The first thing on her list was to tear out the bushes that were blocking the view of the lake from the den.

With a clear view of the lake, she wanted to go with a cabin-style feel on the ground floor. She proposed moving the hard wood floors that were currently in the family room into the formal living room. She wanted the family room floor covered in natural slate in varying shades of grey, rose, cream, tan, and rust. She wanted it pieced together, not cut into square tiles, to give it a more natural look, but she wanted it smooth. She also wanted to have heating elements laid beneath it so that it wouldn't be so cold in the winter. She recommended we put the same flooring in the kitchen and breakfast area, so that it all flowed together seamlessly.

She recommended we remove some of the kitchen cabinets, to open the kitchen up to the den and make the fireplace appear larger by using the same slate to create a raised hearth and go all the way up the wall. She suggested that we replace the existing mantle with something a little more "cabin-like" and install some woodwork on the ceiling to effectively make some artificial exposed wooden beams. No one would know that they were just decorative. She added a comfortable looking leather sofa and loveseat with two overstuffed rocking recliners. The end tables and coffee tables looked rustic, but elegant. The lamp and rug she pictured gave it all a warm feel. She also recommended that we mount wide floor-to-ceiling bookcases on ether side of the fireplace. She included some pictures and sketches of the kinds of decorations she envisioned putting on the shelves that would give it a feminine touch.

She wrote notes in her design about how the flooring would hold up well to wear and tear and how the bookcases could have cabinet doors on the bottom to hide kids' toys and games. She wanted the walls to be painted to look like suede. She said the color of the walls would depend on the color of the slate. She was hoping to be able to paint it either a really pale mauve, or a dusty yellow, but she said she would probably end up with a dark cream.

As I looked at the design, I thought to myself that this was a house that my dad would feel comfortable inviting his friend to for dinner. I could see myself snuggling up with Lucy on the couch while we read stories together. We would be wrapped in a knitted afghan in front of the fire and sipping hot cocoa.

Her recommendations for the upstairs rooms were a little more feminine and a touch more modern, but still had a rustic feel. She suggested a huge sleigh bed for the master bedroom with matching dresser, chest of drawers, nightstands, and armoire to hide the a TV and store extra blankets. She envisioned a large oval antique looking mirror standing in the corner and a padded bench at the foot of the bed. In a note, she said she couldn't decide between the sleigh bed and the four poster bed with sheer drapes. She included a link to the four poster bed. I fell in love with it instantly. I made a note to go with the four poster bed but keep the rest the same.

We looked through her ideas on how to do the office, what to put in the game room, how to decorate the guest rooms, and what kind of furniture to put in the formal dining room and formal living room. I made some notes of little things I wanted to change as we went, but I really liked most of her ideas.

She had some links to different websites that had some good children's furniture, but I didn't go through those. I decided I would wait to plan any of that until I knew for sure whether or not I was actually going to get Lucy. Alice pointed out that I needed to at least decide which room I would want for Lucy if I got her, so we wouldn't accidentally spend a bunch of money decorating it and then later have to change it all for her. I looked at the layout of the rooms upstairs. The master bedroom was situated on one side of the floor, separated from the other bedrooms by a small sitting area and a game room. The other rooms were all pretty similar. I had already picked which one I wanted to decorate for my dad, when he stayed. That left two rooms for her to choose from. I decided that I would leave both of those rooms empty for now. I could always decorate them once I knew what was going on with Lucy.

With my decisions mapped out, I opened up the spreadsheet detailing the costs for everything. It was much more expensive that I would have ever dreamed. My first reaction was to say, "No way. I can't afford this," but then I started looking at how much money I could cut from the cost if I did it myself. One example was removing the existing toilets and hauling them to the dump. I could do that if Jasper let me borrow his truck. That alone would save me a couple hundred dollars.

If I painted all of the rooms that didn't need a faux finish, I could save a bunch of money. Even if I just put primer on the walls in the rooms that were getting faux finish paint jobs, it would save money. I could remove the kitchen cabinets that she wanted removed and take them out into the garage so they could be used out there for extra storage.

As I went through the list and deducted the money for the things I could do myself, I realized that I might be able to actually do this. Once I logged onto my bank account and saw the size of the deposit I had received, I knew I could do this. I typed up my response to Esme, double checked it to make sure everything was correct, and then clicked send.

I received a response a few minutes later letting me know that she was happy with my changes and would let me know as soon as she ironed everything out with the contractors. In the meantime, she recommended that I go ahead and remove the toilets and the extra cabinets. She said she would start the task of finding the furniture and contacting the manufacturers to see if she could haggle the prices down some for me.

I was really getting excited about the house. I think Alice was just about as excited as I was. She couldn't wait to get over there and help me. We were making our game plan on what we were going to tackle first and what tools we would need to do it when my cell phone rang. It was Edward's house. I politely told Alice that I needed to take the call. She just gave me a wink and skipped out of the room.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Bella. I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

I tried to ignore the flutter in my chest when I heard his voice.

"No, I was just talking about house stuff with Alice," I answered casually.

"Yeah, my mom is pretty excited about it too. She was showing me some of her ideas for your living room. She said she sent them over to you."

"Yes. I love them. I just sent her my list of changes and ideas. I kept most of what she wanted. I made some changes in the master bedroom and in the yard."

"Really? What did you change in the yard?"

"I added a fence to keep little kids from getting out into the lake without supervision."

"Oh." He was silent for a moment and then he said, "So you're seriously thinking about getting that kid, then?"

"Yes, Edward, I really am. I think you would really like her if you met her. She is a great little girl who needs a good home. I can give that to her."

"What about your music? Are you going to just walk away from all of it so you can play mommy to someone else's kid?"

My first reaction to his words was to get pissed, but then I decided it would be best if I didn't let him get to me. I took a deep breath and said, "I'm not walking away from my music. I can still write. I can still record. Hell, I can even tour, if I do it during the summertime, so I can take her with me or leave her with my dad. He would love it. He is already planning fishing trips and trying to decide what kind of fishing pole a 3 year old can handle. Plus I have Alice and Jasper and Rosalie and Emmett. They can't wait to get to spend time with her and spoil her rotten if everything works out. I'm not all alone in this."

There was more silence and then he asked, "What if I told you that I didn't want to share you with anybody else?"

I carefully considered my words and answered, "I would say that you don't really have a choice. You already have to share me with my family, my friends, and all of my fans. What difference will one more child make in the grand scheme of things?"

"It will change everything. You won't be able to just go out and have fun. You'll be stuck at home taking care of the kid. Your life will become one big obligation. You'll have to make sure it's fed, make sure it's clean, make it follow directions, make it do it's homework, yell at it for talking back, pay all kinds of stupid bills that you wouldn't have if you didn't have to take care of it."

I did my best not to grit my teeth as I told him, "Edward, 'it' is a beautiful three year old little girl and her name is Lucy. She has no family. Her father was killed and her mother is dying in prison. She has no one to help her. She is stuck in a system that will break her and make her suspicious and untrusting of anyone and everyone. She will have to fend for herself and never know the real love of family. Think about where you would be if you didn't have your parents? Who would have taken you in if you were just a little kid? Would they have loved and supported you like your parents did?

"Now think about what it would be like if those people were gone. How would you have made it if you were raised by strangers? How would you feel if they moved you from one home to the next, every time you started to make friends and bond with your caretakers? That's the kind of life Lucy will most likely have. Would you want that for her? You worked really hard to help a lot of people on your tour a few weeks ago. Would you help them but turn your back on her?"

Edward was quiet for a moment then he whispered, "You can't take care of all of the broken souls, Bella."

"I'm not trying to. I'm only trying to help this one. She is worth it, Edward. If you spent 10 minutes with her and saw the smile on her face you would know. She deserves this. She needs me. If you can't even try to accept that, then I don't know where we will go from here. At this point, I don't even know for sure that I will get her, but it's looking pretty good. I suggest you take some time to think about this, because if I get her, she'll be part of the deal. If you don't want her, you can't have me. Once she becomes my daughter, there will be no going back."

"How long do I have to decide?"

"I don't know, Edward. It might happen tomorrow or it might happen years from now. I just don't know. I am at the mercy of her mother at this point. When she decides, we will draw up the paperwork and go to court. I have been told that with regular adoptions, there are home studies and background checks that need to be done before the courts will allow anything to happen, but I don't know if that applies with private adoption. Either way, once it is official, I will bring her home, so I suggest you don't take too long."

We sat quietly for a little while and then I said, "I'll email you a couple of pictures of her. Maybe if you see us together it will help. I just know that you would love her if you ever got to meet her in person."

Edward cleared his throat and told me, "I'm leaving to go back on tour tomorrow night. I won't be home for another two months. I'll try to figure things out while I'm gone. I care for you, Bella, I really do, but I just don't know if I can deal with this. What happens if we get together and decided we don't like each other that much? Kids get attached. If we split up, it would break her heart. Then I'd have that on my conscience."

"That is something to think about," I admitted. "So, will I hear from you while you're gone?"

"I can't make any promises. There is absolutely no privacy on that damn bus. The only time we get off the bus is when we stop to play somewhere or get something to eat. I'll call if I can, but I don't know how often that will be."

"I understand. Will you be able to check your email?"

"Probably not. I'm not taking my laptop with me. It's too much of a pain in the ass to try to get the right converter to charge it. I worry that the power isn't right and it's going to fry the damn thing, plus I don't have internet access most of the time anyway. It's just better if I leave it home."

I paused for a moment before asking, "So, basically you'll call me when you get around to it and I have no way of reaching you?"

Edward let out a long sigh. "You make it sound like I'm purposely shutting you out. That's not the case, Bella. I said I would try. That's all I can do right now. It's only for a couple of months and then I'll be back. Just don't get pissed at me if I don't call, okay? I'll be stuck on a bus or working. That's what I'll be doing."

"I'll be in the recording studio or working on my house, so leave a message if I don't answer."

"Ok, I will. I don't know what I'll say, but I will leave a message."

When we got off the phone, I went to find Alice. She and Jasper were clearing the Scrabble game off the table and setting up a game of Clue while Nate got a beer out of the refrigerator. Even though my brain was distracted by my conversation with Edward, I still managed to kick their asses. I'm sure they could tell that I wasn't in the best of spirits, but they didn't pry. I was thankful for that. I didn't really want to discuss it yet.

The following morning, I rode with Jasper to the studio to start working on the tracks for the new CD. By lunch time, we were finally starting to make some progress. Bree made a few minor changes to some of the music Nate came up with because she said it "felt funny." I didn't mind once she showed us what she wanted to play. It sounded much better that way.

Jasper made us all take a break at 3 pm because we were starting to bicker with each other. He suggested we all take 30 minutes to unwind a little before trying again. I used that time to check in with Rosalie. I told her about having to wear her pants without any panties and offered to buy her a new pair. She laughed and said that she never wore panties with them anyway, so it was no big deal. She just asked that I wash them twice before returning them to her.

While we were talking, we got on the subject of medical conditions, which reminded me that I needed to find a new gynecologist. I asked Rosalie if she knew of any good doctors in Seattle. She told me that her doctor, Dr. Patel, had an office in Port Angeles and another office in Seattle. She gave me his number and suggested I call him.

When we got off of the phone, I called his office. I was lucky that he agreed to see me the following Thursday. My previous doctor usually made me wait at least a couple of weeks before she would see me. I checked the clock and had a few minutes left, so I grabbed a snack and used Jasper's computer to check my email. I didn't find anything of interest, so I deleted some junk mail and went back to work. After the break, we were all feeling much better, so we ended up working a little late.

Alice was already home from work when we got there. She worked part time at the hospital with children. She would read them stories and play with them. It was her way of helping distract them from their illness for a little while. She was great with the kids and looked adorable in her little scrubs with bright colored puppies and kittens all over them.

"Bella, what are you hungry for? I just got in, so I don't have anything started for dinner yet," Alice said as she opened the refrigerator and peered inside.

"I'm kind of in the mood for a salad. What do you think?"

"Salad works for me," said Jasper as he hung his keys on the hook near the kitchen door. "We don't eat nearly enough vegetables around here. A salad would be good for us."

Alice dug out the ingredients and set them out on the counter. We each made our own salad the way we liked it. I was surprised to find that Jasper liked tiny dill pickles on his salad. That just seemed weird to me. Alice shrugged and told me that she had given up trying to figure him out a long time ago.

After dinner, we watched a movie and then I went to bed early. The following day went much the same as before. We practiced the song we had been playing around with the day before and finally recorded it. When we were done, Jasper and I went out to my house to remove the toilets. It was easier than I expected, but some of them still had water in them, so we had to be careful to make sure we emptied them into the bathtubs or sinks before we tried to carry them through the house.

We had just finished loading them into the back of Jasper's truck to haul away when the construction manager pulled up, so I took a few minutes to show him the house and explain what we were planning. Esme had sent him the plans the previous day, so we worked out a tentative schedule of when I needed to have my parts done. The goal was for me to finish my things early enough that his guys weren't sitting around waiting on me. If everything went according to plan, the house would be completely finished and ready for me to move in within two months.

I thanked him and assured him that I would make sure my part was finished earlier, if possible. When he left, Japer and I decided to go ahead and remove the two upper kitchen cabinets and move them to the garage. That gave us a little bit of a head start. The next task I would have to accomplish would be to remove all of the plates off of the electrical outlets and light switches, apply a special primer over the spray paint, tape off everything that didn't get painted, and cover the kitchen counters with plastic to keep them from getting messed up during construction.

The following morning, Jasper and I took the toilets to the dump before meeting everyone else up at the studio. I was feeling tired and worn out from all the work that early in the morning, but I did my best not to show it. I played the piano portion of the song that I wrote by myself. The band loved it. We practiced it most of the day. The only time we took a break was when we had lunch. By the end of the day, we were all ready to drop.

"Hey guys, just so you know, I have a doctor's appointment at 9 in the morning. It's a new doctor, so I don't know how long it's going to take. Some doctors run late all the time. If he's anything like my other doctors have been, I would say that I should be finished before lunch," I told them. "You can work without me, right?"

Nate said, "Bella, we are perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves for one morning. Go do what you have to do. We'll be fine."

The others agreed, so Jasper and I left. He dropped me off at the house and picked Alice up for a night out. It was the anniversary of the day that they met, so they were going out to celebrate. I thought it was cute that they still did that after being together for so long.

Later that evening, before going to bed, my cell phone started to ring. I ran to the phone and answered it. It was Edward. He sounded drunk. "Hey Bella. You answered the phone. That's great! I thought I was going to have to leave a message."

"I was getting ready to go to bed. You're lucky you caught me. What are you doing? You sound like you've been drinking."

"You know something Bella. You are such a smart person. I really like that about you. You're like smart and shit. I don't know. I guess it's just kind of sexy," he slurred.

I laughed. "So, you have been drinking then."

"Yup. Some little round guy with a mustache gave us a case of vodka to take with us. This is some good shit. It's really smooth. I'm going to have to find out where I can get some in LA."

"You will have to write down the name, so you remember it later. Did you have a show tonight?"

"Yes. We have another somewhere else tomorrow. I have no fucking idea where we are anymore. I just go on stage and do the show, get on the bus and try to sleep sitting up then go back on stage and do another show. We actually got to get off the bus for about an hour earlier today. We stopped at a park. Women were there with their little kids. I posed for a picture with this little boy. It was disgusting. He was all leaky and shit. I swear those things are born infectious. This kid had snot running down his face and was wiping it on his hands and touching all the playground equipment. It's a miracle that they survive to be adults."

I chuckled at the imagery. "They're not all bad, Edward. The boy probably wasn't feeling very well. His mother should have kept him home and not had him at the park spreading his germs to the other kids."

"I agree. That's why I don't want kids. They catch something and you get stuck at home taking care of them. Maybe I'm an ass, but I want to go out when I want to go out. I don't want some sick little kid determining whether or not I get to have fun."

I felt my heart breaking all over again. "You sound pretty sure of yourself. You're not even willing to give it a chance for me?"

I heard the phone shift. "I've been thinking about that kid in Florida. I think we can find her a good family. I'm sure if we mention it to a couple or reporters, they will put the word out and we will get plenty of calls from families that want her. We can pick out the best one and then she will be fine."

"So you think we should just get rid of her." My voice was barely a whisper.

"It would make things easier. We wouldn't have to change our lives at all. We could go back to the way things were and be good together."

"Edward, we live in different states."

"You could move. I'm sure there are a lot of nice apartments in LA. You could even stay at my place sometimes."

"Edward, I just bought a house. I'm not moving into an apartment in LA, just so I can be close to you. My entire life is here. I have a contract with Jasper here. My band is here. My dad is here. My friends are here. I'm staying here."

Edward sounded irritated. "So you expect me to make all the changes? First you tell me that I have to accept this kid and now you think I'm going to move from LA, where I've been established for years and move up to Seattle? I don't know anything about Seattle. Doesn't it have shitty weather up there all the time? Have you spent any time in LA? It's beautiful."

"I'm not moving to LA, Edward. We just started working on fixing up the house."

"Once you get it fixed up, you can sell it and make a profit. Then you can use that money to move to where the action is. LA is the place to be. That's were all the stars are. That's where we belong."

"That may be where you belong, Edward, but it's not where I belong. I'm staying here in Seattle."

He sounded hurt. "So, that's your final decision then? You're staying in Seattle and getting that kid?"

Silent tears were running down my face when I answered, "That's my final decision, Edward."

There was a moment of silence where neither of us knew what to say, finally Edward said, "Well, I guess I should save the minutes on this cell phone. Who knows when I will have a chance to add more minutes to it... I'll see you around, Bella. Enjoy your life up there in soggy Seattle. Good luck with your next CD. I hope it does well."

I barely choked out, "Goodbye, Edward. I'll miss you," before I hung up the phone and burst into tears.

A/N: Sorry to leave you on such a sad note, but this was a really long chapter. They are finally starting to communicate a little, but it's not looking too good. I promise, this is not the end for our lovely couple. He just needs a little more time to wrap his head around things. Trust me.