Standard Disclaimer – I don't own Twilight or any of the characters from the story. All song selections have been provided by my amazing beta, NoWayWithWords. She is the greatest! She has set up a YouTube playlist that includes the songs chosen for the chapters. If you would like to check it out, see my profile for the link.

The song for the chapter is "The Answer" by Blue October.

Chapter 36 - Introspection

The tour was finally over, thank God! By the time we finished the last concert, we were all at each other's throats. There was even talk about calling it quits and disbanding, though none of us were serious… I hope. After the concert, we all pitched in and did the final inventory and inspection of what was going to be shipped back to us and then we grabbed our clothes and jumped in a taxi to head to the airport. We hung out in the VIP lounge and didn't so much as look at each other while we waited for our flight.

On the flight back, Peter handed me an American newspaper that he had picked up in one of the airport shops, so I got to do some reading for a couple of hours and then I fell asleep. We had three layovers on our way back. At each stop, our attitudes improved dramatically. Be the time we landed in Los Angeles, Aro and Gianna were talking about going back down to South Padre Island, in Texas, for another vacation. I would have done it in a heartbeat if I knew that I would have Bella with me, but unfortunately that wasn't the case, so I suggested we spend some down time getting our personal lives straight before we all met up in Texas to get away from it all.

I hadn't even been at home for 24 hours before I was getting calls to come in and review my contract. This time, I was smart and took my mom and my attorney with me. After going over the contract with a fine toothed comb, it was determined that I needed to film one more video to go with the impending release of my latest single. I agreed that I would do it as long as they gave me a little break to rest up first. Some phone calls were made and the deal was set. I would have a few months before the director that they had chosen to do the video would be available anyway.

When we left the office and made it back to my house, I couldn't pull into my driveway because it was blocked by a big truck that was there to make a delivery. Mom almost jumped out of the car while it was still moving, she was so excited. "Oh! I forgot that was being delivered today. I'm so glad we made it back in time."

She watched over the delivery guys as they unloaded the boxes and crates into my garage. Mom had already moved two of my cars out into the driveway because she needed room. If she kept ordering more stuff, she was going to have to get a warehouse because it wasn't going to fit.

I looked at the latest crates and asked, "What is all of this stuff? You said you needed to store some things. I didn't know that you were starting a new business."

"Don't be silly, Edward. You know I'm helping Bella with the remodel of her new house. All of this is going to eventually be shipped to her, once her house is finished."

"How is it going?"

"It's moving along. They are a little bit ahead of schedule as of last week since her friends and family all pitched in to get things done while she was in Florida getting her daughter."

I felt a knot in my stomach. She didn't wait. She went on and adopted the kid anyway.

My mom looked at me and cocked her eyebrow, "Edward, what's wrong. Why are you making that face?"

"What face?"

"The one that you make when you don't get your way. It's your pouting face. What's going on?"

"It's nothing. I told Bella that I didn't think it was a good idea that she rush into adopting a kid so early in her music career, but it looks like she did it anyway."

Mom shook her head, "Edward, don't you think that is her decision? Besides, she didn't choose to rush into this so fast. The girl's mother committed suicide and left her daughter to Bella. Bella didn't even have a chance to do the background studies that are required for the adoption yet. That usually takes some time. From what I understand, she is only the girl's guardian until she can complete the requirements for the official adoption."

"That's crazy. Why would someone do that?"

"She was sick and she was going to be in prison for a really long time. I'm not saying that I agree with what she did, but I can see her reasoning."

"Didn't she even care about her own kid? How could she go and do that?"

"She already couldn't take care of her in prison, Edward, so she found her daughter a good home and made sure that all of the paperwork was in place before she did it. Besides, this way her daughter doesn't have to grow up visiting her mother in prison her whole life, knowing that she was a drug-addicted prostitute. She will grow up with a loving mother who will always be there for her."

Mom checked the items off of a list that she had tucked in her giant purse and said, "So, what are your plans now that you have some time off?"

"I'm going to sleep for an entire week."

"That sounds like a good idea, but after that I suggest you start contacting the production companies that you talked to while on tour to see if anyone is interested. You've made it pretty clear that you will not be re-signing with this company, so unless you are planning on retiring at an early age, I suggest you start looking."

She was right. I needed to make some phone calls and maybe visit some of my contacts. I didn't have any plans to go straight back into the studio for a while, but I wanted to have everything lined up just in case.

Over the next few days, I spent a lot of time going through my garage and writing down packing information. I was trying to find out what was in the damn boxes without asking my mom. I was able to find the furniture online, but I had no idea what was in the smaller boxes. It was like Christmas time, when my parents would put the gifts under the tree weeks before Christmas and I'd try to figure out what was in the boxes all the way up until Christmas day when I got to open them.

I had just about decided that I was going to open the boxes and then tape them back together when I remembered that I had the password to mom's design account. I could just look online and see what she had planned and I wouldn't get busted for snooping.

When I logged onto mom's account, I found her design file and the progress photos. The house looked pretty bad before they started, but a lot had been done already. All of the plumbing and structural damage had been repaired, now they were redoing the kitchen. I liked the plans that mom had for the place, though it made me wonder if Bella had a man in her life because it didn't have a very feminine feel to it. It looked like it was decorated with a man in mind.

That thought drove me to look for more pictures on the internet of her. I found video clips on YouTube of the funeral and her arrival back in Seattle with the child, Lucy. I found pictures taken of her at different autograph signings at different record stores. I found a bunch of pictures of her and that big guy that she said was her body guard, but the picture that really caught my attention was an older picture taken of me and Bella walking along the beach on vacation. We were holding hands and she was laughing. We both looked happy. When I compared that picture to the one of her with the big guy, I could see that there was no sparkle in her eyes when she looked at him. When I looked at the video of her and the little girl, I could see that the girl brought the sparkle back. Maybe she really did already love the girl, but could she still love me after all that I've done and better yet, could I learn to share her with that kid?

I never was good at sharing. My mom thinks that it's because I was an only child who never attended daycare. I was also a child star, so sharing was not something that I ever really had to do. Sure, I shared some things with my friends, but I didn't have to if I didn't want to. I could always afford to just get them their own stuff or give them my old stuff and get myself something new. It was as easy as that. I couldn't imagine living in a home where I would have to share a room or share a car. That would suck.

Of course, my problem with sharing might have contributed to some of my misery on the tour. I had to share my space with way too many people for too long. The strange thing about it was that once I had been home alone for a few weeks, I started feeling kind of lonely. Kicking back in front of the TV no longer held any appeal for me. I found myself looking around and wondering what else I could due to pass the time. That usually landed me in front of the computer cyber stalking Bella.

I found a Facebook account under the name Bella Swan and spent weeks trying to figure out the password. Finally I asked Peter if he could use his connections to get it for me. He just laughed and said, "You're such and idiot, Edward. Instead of trying to hack her account, why don't you just get an account of your own and send her a friend request?"

Even though the thought of having something so public out there on the internet really bugged me, I decided he was right. It would be my first attempt to contact her since I'd been back. "Do you think that would be a good first contact?"

Peter's mouth dropped open and he sputtered, "What? You haven't called her yet? What the hell is wrong with you, Edward?"

"She hasn't called me either."

"She isn't the one that fucked everything up. If you really want her back, you are going to have to work for it."

"What am I supposed to do?"

Peter shook his head and crossed his arms defiantly. "I'm not going to tell you that, Edward, and I promise that I will kick your ass if I hear you asking anyone else about it either. You are going to have to dig yourself out of this completely on your own."

"Why can't I get some pointers from Heidi and Gianna? They're girls. They'll know what she wants."

"Because this needs to come from your own heart, Edward. Believe me, it will mean so much more to both of you if you do it on your own and not just follow someone else's instructions."

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he was right, so I sat down at my computer and tried to come up with a game plan. I decided a good place to start would be finding out what women didn't like about me, so I called Tanya. That conversation went better than I expected…

"Hey, Tanya. It's Edward."

"Edward? What's going on? Are you ok?"

"I'm good. How are you?"

"Do you need me to come over?" She almost sounded desperate. It was pathetic.

"No. I'm not interested in casual hook-ups anymore. I've met someone special."

She let out a shriek. "What? You son of a bitch! You called me at 10 o'clock at night to tell me that you met someone else? What the fuck are you thinking? Are you trying to rub it in my face that I'm not good enough for you? Does she know what a self centered ass you really are? Does she know that you blow your nose at the dinner table, which is absolutely disgusting by the way, and that you have horrible taste in movies? Does she realize that you wouldn't know romantic if it bit you in the right nut? You don't know shit about foreplay, unless you are on the receiving end of it, and you would NEVER even consider going down on a girl! The only thing you have going for you is your dick and your stamina, but that won't keep a girl forever, Edward! Your selfish attitude and complete lack of compassion for anyone else, including your best friends, makes you such an asshole that you are barely tolerable on a good day. The only reason the guys in the band hang around with you is because you pay them. If you weren't their bread and butter, they would leave your ass in the dust!"

When she finally took a breath, I said, "It was good talking to you, Tanya. Is there anything else you need to get off of your chest before I let you go?"

I heard her voice crack as she was starting to get emotional, "Why was I not good enough, Edward? Why couldn't you pick me?"

I tried to clear my head and put my words in order before I spoke because I knew that I would only have one chance to get this right, so after a long pause, I said, "Tanya, you were a great friend to me, but that was all you ever were. You are a beautiful woman and you will make someone incredibly happy someday, but it could never be me. When we started, I thought I made it clear that it was only an arrangement and not a relationship. I enjoyed our time together, but when I look back, I don't see it as anything but time with a good friend and some pretty good sex on the side. I don't see it as time with an ex-girlfriend or time with a past lover. That was never what we were. I'm sorry if I gave you any impression otherwise."

I could hear her crying on the other end of the line and it made me feel like a total tool.

"Tanya, please believe me when I say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are smart, beautiful, and fun to be with. You are going to find someone someday, it's just not me. When you do find that special someone, you are going to rock his world."

I heard her chuckle and then blow her nose. "Do you really think so?"

"Definitely. The only suggestion I would give you is to not put out so easily. You need to have a little self-respect. Make him work for it. Once you are convinced that the guy is worth the effort, then let him have a little. When you know he's the one, then you can go all out and show him what he's really getting."

Tanya really laughed now. "You're full of shit, Edward. You have never put forth any effort when it comes to getting a woman. How was I going to convince you that I was worth it if I didn't put out? I bet this new interest put out for you on the first night, didn't she?"

I thought back to Bella. "Not exactly. I wanted her much longer than she even realizes."

"But she did put out, didn't she?"

I cleared my throat, unsure if I wanted to discuss this with her or not. "Sure, eventually. We hooked up for a little while, but now we're apart."

"You miss her?"

"More than I ever expected."

"Did you ever miss me?"

I didn't want to hurt her, but I didn't want to give her false hope either. "I've never missed anyone like I miss her."

There was a pause and then she said, "Why are you calling me, Edward?"

"I needed to know what I have to work on in order to get her back."

I heard Tanya gasp softly. "Oh my God. You love her, don't you?"

"I think I do."

I heard her shift and say, "Edward, you shouldn't have to become something that you're not just to make someone else happy. You need to be yourself. You're never going to be the guy in the white shorts playing tennis at the country club. You are who you are. Don't be a fake."

"She's not asking me to change."

"Then why are you trying?"

"Because I don't really like the person that I've become."

"That sounds like a good reason. So, what do you need from me?"

"What would you say are my biggest flaws?"

"You are spoiled, selfish, inconsiderate, unromantic, hardheaded, opinionated, and arrogant. You jump to conclusions and you don't listen to a thing anyone says to you."

I laughed. "Wow. How do you really feel?"

Tanya snorted, "It doesn't matter what I just said. I've known you long enough to know that all you heard was blah-blah-blah. I'll save myself the time and send you the list in an email, along with examples. Is there anything else you need?"

"No, that will be good enough. Thanks, Tanya, I really appreciate it."

"Sure thing, Edward. If the chick doesn't take you back, give me a call."

I didn't want to make any promises that I wasn't going to keep, so I just said, "Good night, Tanya."

"Good night, Edward."

I got the email about an hour later and spent the rest of the night doing some serious thinking. When I had gone through rehab a few years ago, I had to spend time with a shrink who helped me realize that I can't deal with things all at once. It's best if I break things down into pieces, that way they don't seem like such a huge burden. I can handle 100 baby steps up a mountain, but I can't handle climbing the face of a cliff without a safety rope.

He also taught me that there is no shame in getting help from others. Unfortunately, I really believed that Peter was right about me needing to do this on my own. Besides, I didn't want to rely on someone else to guide my life. I've never been good at following directions anyway.

I printed my list of flaws and cut it into individual strips of paper. I folded each one and put it in a bowl. My plan was to mix them up and then pull one out at random to work on. Once I felt that I'd tackled that topic or at least come up with a feasible game plan for improvement, I would throw it away and pull out another. My original plan was to start the next day, but I found that I couldn't sleep, so I pulled out the first strip of paper. The description was short and simple, "You are completely unromantic."

I went into the kitchen and popped open a beer before kicking back on the couch to think about it. Unfortunately, by the time I finished the beer, I still wasn't any closer to figuring out what she meant by that. Sure, I wasn't romantic with her, but I didn't want to be romantic with her. I wanted to be romantic with Bella. Did Bella think that I wasn't romantic enough? I did make sure she was on my bus so that I could get to know her better. I did buy her at the auction to keep her from being forced to eat dinner with a stalking fan. That could probably be considered romantic if you ignored the fact that I was too damn jealous to allow her to spend private time with anyone else. Does jealousy counteract romance?

I needed to do a little more research on what women considered romantic, so I flipped through the billions of channels that I never watch until I found the women's romance channel on TV. Apparently late at night, women's romance turns to soft core porn. That was interesting, but not quite what I had in mind, so I went to the pay-per-view channels and found the latest chick-flick.

Three days later, my mom showed up to put even more stuff in the garage. When she walked through the front door, she immediately dropped her purse on the ground and ran over to me on the couch. "Oh my God, Edward, are you on drugs again?"

I paused the TV and looked up at her. "What? Hell no. What makes you think something like that? You know I don't touch that shit anymore."

Mom was looking closely at my eyes to make sure my pupils were not dilated. "Edward, you look like you haven't had a bath in a week and you smell bad. Your clothes are all wrinkled. Your hair is greasy and matted. You have beer cans and trash all over the place and your eyes are blood shot. What am I supposed to think?"

I lifted my arm to smell myself and cringed. She had a point. I did smell like shit. I had been so focused on watching every romantic movie that I could find that I completely forgot about taking care of myself. "Sorry if I made you worry. I've just been lying around watching movies."

Mom picked up one of the three empty tissue boxes from the floor. "Edward, are you feeling ok? You've gone through a lot of tissue. Do you need me to get your dad over here to check you out?"

"No, mom, it's just the movie."

"What are you watching?"

"The Notebook."

Mom turned to the TV and looked at the screen. "I love that movie. Where are you at?"

"It just ended." I plucked another tissue out of the box and blew my nose. "That is seriously the saddest movie I've ever seen."

Mom nodded. "It is, but it's so romantic."

I sat up and started cleaning up my mess of beer cans, pizza boxes, and tissues. "I think you're right. It's not like the other movies, where the guy does one thing and wins the girl's heart. In this movie, the guy spends his entire life working to keep winning the girl's heart, even though she doesn't remember who he is."

Mom gave me a soft smile. "You're right, Edward. That's what makes it such a good movie. He loved her so much that he wouldn't even consider giving up, even when the odds were against him."

I blew my nose one more time and then went into the kitchen to put the trash in the garbage can. "So, what brings you by today, Mom?"

"I was just dropping another box off in the garage for Bella."

My ears perked up. "Really? What did you bring?"

"Just a vase that I found at a flea market."

"How's the house coming along?"

"It's coming along really well. Did you see her on TV last night?"

I almost tripped over myself stepping out of the kitchen to see her face to face. "Bella was on TV?"

"Sure. They interviewed her on that entertainment show that your dad watches all the time. You know the one."

"Did he record it?" My dad always recorded shows from TV so he could fast forward past the commercials when he sat down to watch them later.

"Sure. Would you like me to make you a copy?"

"I can probably find the episode online, but just in case, will you keep it for me?"

Mom gave me a knowing look and said, "I'll go home and burn a copy onto a DVD, so we don't take a chance of accidentally deleting it."

Mom insisted that I jump in the shower while she straightened up the place and made a few phone calls, so I went upstairs. When I was clean and feeling human again, I came down to find my mom sitting at the kitchen table flipping through the mail that I hadn't picked up for the past three days.

"Edward, it looks like Jane has decided to pursue her civil suit against you independently. I've already called the lawyer. He said he got a copy of the papers yesterday. He's already working on it."

I picked up the paper that she was reading. "What the hell? Don't they have to serve me or something like that?"

"That's just a letter telling you that they are going to take you to court. It's like a warning. It's not the actual summons. That will come later. Sometimes lawyers do this as an attempt to scare you into settling."

"I didn't do anything, mom."

"I know you didn't. I believe you. I think you need to sit down with the lawyer and explain everything in detail. That way he knows exactly what he's up against." Mom stacked the mail into a neat pile and said, "I'll go with you, if you like? I am still technically your manager."

"Thanks, Mom, but I think I need to do this myself. I'll let you know what happens."

When she left, I called my lawyer and made an appointment for the next day. I then called Peter and made arrangements for him to come with me to my appointment. My last call was to Aro, to let him know what was going on. I was sure he would call Marcus and Demetri, so I didn't even bother.

With all of my phone calls made, I decided to distract myself by watching Bella's interview. It wasn't hard to find the episode online. They were pretty good about posting previous shows into the archives quickly.

Bella looked absolutely beautiful. She was wearing white Capri pants, a thin mint green sweater, and white sandals. She was sitting on a sofa with her legs crossed. Her hair was shiny and hung in loose waves around her shoulders. I watched the interview twice, just taking in every detail about her. The way she sat, the way she smiled, the way her head tipped back slightly when she laughed, the way she looked at the little girl beside her.

It wasn't until I watched it the third time that I actually paid attention to what the interviewer was actually saying. She told the story about how Bella ended up with the little girl. Her name was Lucy. I already knew that from my cyber stalking. Lucy was a pretty little girl. She really looked a lot like Bella. If you saw them on the street, you wouldn't know that they weren't blood relatives. In the first part of the interview, Lucy sat on the couch beside her, flipping through a book and pointing at the pictures. In later parts of the interview, she was coloring a picture on the floor at Bella's feet. I couldn't make out what the picture was. It looked like a bunch of orange and purple scribbles to me.

When Lucy looked up at Bella and said, "I love you, Mommy," something deep inside me ached. I wasn't sure if it was a good ache, like I wanted someone to say that they loved me like that, or if it was a bad ache, like the pizza was finally catching up with me.

I watched it two more times, just focusing on Lucy. From her movements and positioning, I could tell that the original interview lasted much longer then just the scenes that they showed on TV, but she was still good. She didn't seem to be all that noisy. She wasn't really getting into anything. She wasn't running around. She was just being a good kid. Could I handle having a kid around that was good like that? Would it really be so bad if I had to share my time with a kid like that?

Before I could overanalyze things any further, I went online and found a florist in Seattle. I looked at the different arrangement options and decided on one that I wanted to send and then I logged into mom's design account and found Bella's current address before I actually called the florist to place the order. When the lady on the other end of the line said, "What would you like to say on the card?" I froze.

"Ummm. I don't know."

The lady giggled, "What's the occasion? It is a birthday, anniversary, sympathy, congratulations, or what?"

"No. It's not that."

The lady sighed, "If you could only say one sentence to her, what would you say?"

"Only one sentence?"

"It's a small card."

"Can I get a bigger card?"

"No, but I can write small. What do you want me to say?"

I struggled to get the words right before I spoke. "I watched your interview. You looked beautiful. I'm glad to see you are doing well. I miss you."

"How do you want to sign it?"

"Just 'Edward' is fine."

"Ok, it will be delivered in the morning. Would you like for me to send you an email when it gets delivered?"

"Yes, please."

I got off of the phone and paced the floor for almost an hour debating on whether or not I had done the right thing. Would she be pissed? Would she be offended? Is the timing right? Should I have called her instead?

I think I checked my phone a thousand times the next day, as I sat in the lawyer's office talking about Jane and her false claims of sexual harassment. It was hard to stay focused on the conversation when I kept wondering if my phone was broken because Bella never called.

By the time I went to bed that night, I was debating if I should call and make sure the flowers were delivered to the right address, but the shop was closed and I was sure Bella would already be in bed. She had a little girl now and little girls had bed times. I had been able to go to bed whenever the hell I wanted for so long, the idea of actually having a specific time that I had to go to sleep seemed strange to me. Could I live like that?

I waited for three days for Bella to call, but she never did, so I assumed that she hadn't forgiven me yet. Maybe she needed more time. Maybe I needed to come up with a better plan. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed to work on fixing myself before I worked on fixing things with Bella. It wouldn't do any good for me to pursue her when I wasn't any better than the guy that broke up with her in the first place. I was only going to get one shot at this. If I wanted to succeed, I needed to make sure that I was ready to prove to her that I was worth fighting for.

During the weeks that followed, I started focusing on myself. I know that sounds selfish, but that's really not the way it was at all. I took the time to mend my relationship with my friends, spending time with each one of them individually and really paying attention to what they had to say about things and what was going on in their lives.

I spent the most time with Marcus. His wedding was coming up and Heidi had convinced him that they should write their own vows. This was especially hard for Marcus, due to his mental issues for which I felt eternally responsible. Back when we were stupid teenagers, I convinced Marcus to try some coke with me. He had never touched drugs before, but I was already trying all kinds of stuff. We were at a party celebrating something unimportant. Aro wasn't at the party, so there was no one there to tell him to ignore me.

He did two lines of coke with me and almost immediately went into convulsions. He slipped into a coma on the way to the hospital. It turned out that he was highly allergic to whatever shit they used to cut the coke. It took almost a week for him to come out of the coma and when he did, they said that he had some minor brain damage. He hasn't been 100% ever since. You would think that seeing one of my best friends lying in a hospital bed would be enough to convince me that I should walk away from the shit, but I was already addicted. It was enough to convince me to go to rehab, but I fell off the wagon two more times after that before I finally gave it up for good.

Marcus can still play the drums like no one I've ever seen, but he can't remember simple things, like how many pairs of socks he should pack if he's only going to be gone for two days. That's why I have always watched out for him. I try to help him out whenever I can, so I spent a lot of time helping him come up with the perfect vows. I didn't just write it for him. Like me working on my own issues, I knew that this needed to come from Marcus' heart. I just helped him write it down, put it in the right order, and make sure it would make sense. I might have helped him come up with the right word here and there, but the sentiment was all his.

After making things right with my friends, I spent some time with my dad. He has always been the backbone of the family, but we weren't always close. Dad was the one who helped get me clean and supported me whenever I would allow him, but I didn't allow it very often. While I was on tour, my dad was working. When I was home, my dad was working. When I was sick, my dad would give me a prescription on his way to work, but it was mom that took care of me. I loved my dad, but we didn't have much in common.

When I called dad and asked him if we could go to lunch, he invited me to the hospital to eat lunch with him. Normally I would have said no, because hospital food sucks, but dad seemed really excited about the idea and I thought it would be a good idea to see him in his element. I had never been one of those kids who was interested in going to work with my dad. I was too busy being a cocky young rock star.

After eating in the hospital cafeteria, dad took me on a tour of the hospital. We ended up in the pediatric wing, where I watched some of the kids playing in a giant playroom that they called physical therapy. I was nervous and uncomfortable, but my dad insisted that I join the little kids in a game that required them to sit in a circle and pass a big ball around. That was not a big deal for me, but it was tough for a little boy named Joshua. He was a five year old burn victim who had lost some of his fingers and both of his thumbs. Dad told me that the boy had accidentally knocked a large pot of boiling water off of the stove. The boiling water damaged his hands, arms, and chest. He was lucky that it didn't burn his face.

After that day, I started spending more and more time with the kids at the hospital. These weren't the horrid little beasts that I'd imagined. These kids were fighters. Dad would come and hang out with me and the kids and then make me walk with him to the nursery to check on the newborn babies. I had no idea why. He doesn't work with babies, but he sure liked to go down there and look at them through the window. No matter how many newborns I looked at, they all seemed to look the same to me.

The first week of November, I had to pack up and head to Rio to film the video that I had committed to doing for my now semi-official ex-record production company. They were very aware that I had no intentions of renewing my contract with them. I think that was part of the reason they were trying every thing they could to delay the official separation and the press release that would go along with it.

Rio was horrible. It was a security nightmare. Within two days of arrival, all of my underwear, my toothbrush, my watch, and my hair brush had been stolen from my room. Peter ended up having to bring Garrett, Sam, and Paul along with him just to make sure that I was safe.

The video that we were recording was for a love song that I had written what felt like a billion years ago. Back when I wrote it, I was lusting after a Victoria's Secret supermodel who was really popular at the time. When I had a chance to actually meet her, I realized what an idiot she really was and never pursued her, but it was still a good song, so I kept it.

The director hired a Brazilian supermodel named Zafrina to be my love interest in the video. She was beautiful, but I really wasn't interested and she wasn't interested in me either. When we kissed and made out for the camera, I didn't even get hard. She was the kind of woman that flirted with everyone and called them "baby" or "darling," which I usually find incredibly annoying, but learned to ignore. Half way through filming the video, it started raining practically non-stop, so we ended up doing nothing for almost a week.

During that time, Zafrina and I got a chance to really get to know each other. She listened to me spill my guts about Bella and agreed that I was doing the right thing by trying to fix myself before trying to fix things with her. I listened to her talk about her secret crush on a clothing designer named Senna Bacilli. Zafrina's problem was that no one, outside of a very small circle of close friends, knew that she was a lesbian. Her parents were very religious people who would never accept it and she was afraid that it would damage her career if people found out.

I admitted to Zafrina that I really didn't care much for Rio and I thought the giant Jesus that overlooked the city was creepy, so she insisted on dragging me out to show me the good parts of the city. We ate at some pretty nice restaurants. She even dragged me out to a couple of night clubs. It was actually pretty nice to be able to hang out with someone who didn't have any desire to sleep with you. Of course, the press assumed differently and made a big deal about it when we were out in public together. They released pictures of us kissing, which were taken on someone's phone while we were filming and made all kinds of assumptions.

The worst part of all was when I was being interviewed by a Brazilian reporter with an accent that was so thick that I could barely understand her. I thought she asked me why we hired Zafrina, so I said, "Have you seen her? She's absolutely beautiful." What she really asked was if I was dating Zafrina. I didn't realize this until after the article was published. I thought about contacting the magazine to publish a correction, but then I realized that it would probably stir up a lot of attention and make Zafrina look bad. I didn't want to do that, and I figured Bella would probably never read a Brazilian magazine anyway, so it would be best to just let it slide.

When I got back home, I made a few calls and found out that Zafrina's love interest, Senna, had two homes. She lived in New York most of the year, but she also had a home in Los Angeles, not too far from me. Through a friend of a friend, I was able to set up an opportunity for Zafrina to meet Senna the day after Christmas. I wanted it to be a surprise, so I invited Zafrina and her parents to spend Christmas in Los Angeles with me. Her parents had never been to the United States before, so they jumped at the chance.

They were really nice people. They dragged Zafrina to church for midnight mass on Christmas Eve and spent all of Christmas Day driving around and seeing the sights while I had Christmas with my parents. It was a long day for all of us. Later that night, I started a fire and opened a bottle of wine so that Zafrina and I could wind down. Her parents had just gone to bed, so I was planning on telling her about her surprise meeting the next day, but the phone rang.

My heart skipped a beat when I realized it was Bella. I answered immediately and said a secret prayer that she wasn't calling to tell me that she hated me, though I doubt she would ever do that to someone on Christmas. That would just be cruel.

It was so wonderful to hear her voice. She didn't sound like she was angry at all.

Zafrina asked who was calling and I didn't want to let her know. She'd been threatening to track Bella down and tell her that I was hopelessly in love with her if I didn't grow a pair of balls and do it myself soon. I was afraid she would grab the phone and do just that if she knew it was Bella. Instead, I slipped off into another room to talk in private.

While we were talking, I made sure to ask about the new house and Lucy. I wanted her to know that I was keeping up with what was going on with her through my parents, and that I was still concerned about her life. We talked about my parents and the house they'd recently bought and were having renovated. They had always loved Mercer Island, so it didn't surprise me that they chose that place to retire. What I did find strange was that my parents were planning on setting up a playroom for Lucy. They were really taken with that little girl. It turns out that I was going to end up sharing my loved ones with Lucy no matter what and honestly, I was kind of looking forward to it. The time I had been spending with the kids at the hospital had really made a difference in my outlook when it came to kids. I could even picture myself having one of my own someday, of course that would all depend on how things went with Bella.

After we talked about Lucy, I asked about her music. My mom had bought me a copy of Bella's latest CD. Of course, I had already downloaded the music on iTunes, but it was nice to have the real thing as well. While we were talking, I opened the CD and looked at the insert. As I saw the pictures of Bella a wave of emotion came over me. The pictures were beautifully done. They made her look sensual and not slutty, but the realization that some other guy had seen her naked was killing me. Rage and jealousy were welling up inside, clouding my thoughts. It was only marginally better when Bella told me that the photographer was gay and that she wasn't dating anyone.

As I looked at the pictures, I recognized the stockings from our last night together. When I asked about them Bella confirmed that I was right. They were the same stockings. I had taken the rest of the outfit with me when I left her. I still had them safely tucked away in my nightstand. It had been so long ago that they no longer smelled of her silky skin, but they brought back the memories all the same. Most people would think that I kept them for sexual inspiration, but that wasn't the case at all. I had cried more lonely tears while holding that lingerie than I had ever spent jacking off with it. I missed her so much that it hurt and talking to her reminded me of how much I was still missing her.

I wiped a tear off of my cheek just as Zafrina came in to check on me. She asked if I was going to sit with her by the fire before she looked up and saw that I was crying. As soon as she noticed, she was instantly alarmed. I put my hand up to stop her and said, "I'm coming, Zaf. Hey, Bella, can I call you tomorrow, or something? I have some people over and I'm ignoring my guests."

I needed to get off the phone before I turned into a blubbering mess and Bella realized that I was crying. As soon as Zafrina realized I was talking to Bella, she bounded across the room and snatched the phone out of my hand. She held it to her ear and said hello before saying, "Damn it. She hung up."

I let out a sigh of relief, thankful that Bella didn't end up talking to Zafrina. There is no telling what Zafrina would have told her about me and my feelings. That would have been humiliating. Besides, I thought it would be better if Bella heard about it directly from me and not from some stranger.

"What the fuck, Edward? Why are you crying? What did she do to you? Did you tell her about your love?"

"No, Zaf. I didn't tell her. We were just talking about regular stuff."

"Why did you not tell her?"

"Because this is the first time we've actually talked in a long time. I told you that I wanted to fix myself first."

"You are cavarde."

I gave her a confused look.

She thought about it a second and said, "You are coward, Edward Cullen. You will lose this woman because you have no courage. If you want her, you need to go get her. You can fix your problems together, Edward. Call her back."

"I need some time to think about what I'm going to say first. I don't want to put my foot in my mouth again."

"You will need to pull your head out of your ass before you can talk anyway. You can call her in the morning."

I followed Zafrina back out to the living room and told her about the surprise introduction I had planned for the next day. I had arranged for Peter to take her parents to a museum and shopping while Zafrina and I met Senna and a couple other friends for lunch. This changed Zafrina's attitude in an instant. Suddenly the ballsy, 'Go get what you want' attitude changed to an excited but timid, "What if she doesn't like me?"

I laughed, "What's not to like? Besides, even if the relationship thing doesn't pan out, it is still good for your career. She is looking for a model to show off her new designs in Paris in the spring. You might get a job out of this."

I really hoped that things would work out for Zafrina. Now I just needed to work on myself and Bella.

A/N: So, how do you feel now that you know what's really going on with Edward? We will check back in with Bella next week, when I post the next chapter.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy Memorial Day Weekend. For those that are not here the United States, Memorial Day is a day of remembering the men and women who died while serving in the United States Armed Forces. We celebrate it with parades, barbeque, different stores hold pretty good sales so we go shopping, and almost everyone has the day off from work on Monday. Many people who have loved ones that have died in the military, go out to the cemetery and put flowers at the graves of their friends and family members. It is a good time to remember all of the people who have given up their lives so that we can continue to live ours in this land that we love.

I don't know if other countries have similar holidays. Maybe someday I will have a chance to travel around the world and learn a little more about the holidays and traditions of other places from the people that live there. I think that would be a wonderful thing.

Until next week…

A Little Distracted