Here's chapter 4! I like this one so much! I started it last night and I couldn't stop. Anyway I talk too much…read and review! I'll talk more at the end! :)
We spent the next week cleaning the house from top to bottom. Peeta brought home several huge packages from the bakery, but he wouldn't let me see what was inside any of them. That is until the night before Cressida and Pollux arrived to film the interview.
After a long day of cleaning we had dinner and Peeta led me upstairs.
"I want to show you something." He says, grinning widely. He leads me to the door to the nursery and stops. He moves behind me and covers my eyes, I feel his arm go around me and open the door. He carefully guides me inside.
"Okay, open your eyes."
"Oh Peeta, it's beautiful!" I look around the immaculate room, and I am truly amazed at his work.
The wall behind me and the two side walls were painted a soft yellow with all the doors, door frames, and window frames were painted a crisp white. All of it was beautiful, but it was the far wall that really caught my eye. It was coated with layers of pinks, yellows, purples, and oranges. All swirling together to form the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen. Along the wall to my right is a white painted toy box, the closet, then the changing table. On the back wall, right in the middle of the sunset is a freshly painted white crib, and in the back left corner sits a beautiful wooden rocking chair with an orange and yellow quilt draped over the back. Along the left wall I see a white changing table with a diaper pail sitting next to it, as well as a cute little stroller. The whole room is perfect.
"Peeta this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!"
"You really like it? Cause seriously if you don't I can paint over-"
"No Peeta this is perfect. Where did you get all this furniture?"
"It's all custom made shipped from district 7, courtesy of Johanna." He said with a smile. "Oh and the quilt is from 4, your mom and Annie made it. And they sent a ton of baby clothes." He says opening the closet door. It's completely full. He pulls out a tiny little dress and holds it up for me.
"Isn't it cute? I love this one." He says.
"Wow, they're all really cute." I say as enthusiastically as I can. This is all so real. I'm really almost 6 months pregnant, and in a few months we're going to be responsible for another human life. I'm going to be a mommy. And right now, I'm only sure of one thing.
I absolutely cannot do this.
I am not cut out to be a mother. Peeta, well he was made to be a father, but this is not my thing.
I smile and laugh as he tells me all about his work on the room. Then we head to bed. I lay in bed as Peeta sleeps soundly next to me. Sleep eludes me as my mind wanders through what things are going to be like after the baby comes. Once again I will be responsible for another human life. Something I haven't experienced since prim died, and look how well that turned out.
I carefully slip out of Peeta's grasp and slip out of the room as quietly as possible. I creep to the next room and make my way over to the rocking chair. I sink into the seat and slowly begin to rock. The only thing I can think about is that in just four more months there will be a child living in here. A child that Peeta and I are going to have to take care of, a child that is going to deserve all the love that it can get. Love that I'm not sure I can give.
"What are you doing in here?" Peeta interrupts my thoughts.
"I couldn't sleep, too much on my mind I guess." I reply.
"Well, talk to me, what's on your mind?"
"Lots of stuff; the baby, the interview, you, Prim…"
"Okay I get the other stuff but why me?"
"You're always on my mind, but right now I'm thinking about how much love you have in you, and how much I want you to give to this child."
"Uh-huh and how much is that?"
"Enough for the both of us."
"I don't think I get what you're saying."
"What if I don't love it?"
"But you will. You are going to love this baby with every part of yourself. That's one of the many things I love about you, you love so intently and with so much passion that I just hope that there will be enough left for me."
"There will always be enough for you." I say running my fingers through the tufts of soft blonde hair that cover his forehead. "But I still can't shake this feeling. You have to promise me Peeta. You have to promise me that no matter what happens with me you will always love this child enough for both of us." He hesitates, "promise me!"
"Okay! I promise."
"Good."
"Can we go back to bed now?" he asks. I nod, knowing that that is the best answer I am going to get from him.
The next morning we get up early and get ready for the interview. I refused to let Plutarch send a prep team for us. If the country really wants to see us, they'll see us just as we are. Cressida and Pollux arrive around ten o'clock and after a brief chat, we begin filming.
Peeta and I show them around the house, our bedroom the nursery, the kitchen, things like that. They too marvel at Peeta's work in the nursery. Then we sit down in the living room to talk.
Cressida asks us a bunch of questions and we answer almost all of them. I invoke my usual method of referring as many questions as I can to Peeta. It all goes well…until the end.
I see it fly in through the open window first…the shimmering gold tracker jacker.
I can't do anything to get rid of it without alerting Peeta that it's there. I feel like I did on the beach with the monkeys. All I can do is try to keep him occupied with the interview so he doesn't see it. I fail…
I feel his muscles tense on the couch next to me, and I make a cutting motion across my throat. Cressida gets my message and calls cut, giving me a quizzical look. I haul myself to my feet as fast as possible and drag Peeta from the room calling for someone to call Haymitch.
I shove Peeta into the dining room and yank the door closed. When I return Haymitch is coming through the front door.
"Tracker in the living room." I say quickly. His face hardens and he moves into the other room. I watch from the doorway as he finds it resting on the wall. He gets the poison kit from the drawer in the end table and in a few minutes he's killed in and closed the window. I can't kill it myself because if I get stung or somehow ingest the poison, it can harm the baby.
"Okay, it's done."
"Can you check on Peeta? If he's having a violent flashback he'll never forgive himself for hurting me." Haymitch carefully opens the door to the dining room. It's a shambles. There are two broken lamps and a few other things around the room are smashed and cracked. Peeta is clutching the back of a chair and holding on for dear life.
It takes a few minutes of talking to him, but we manage to get him calmed down and lead him back to the living room.
"What in the world happened?" Cressida asks as soon as we reenter the room.
"It's nothing, he just had a flashback." I say.
"Does that happen often?" she asks
"No, not really." Haymitch says. I glance at Peeta he still looks like he's fighting off remnants of his flashback. I'll have to talk to him about it later.
"Do we have to continue?" I ask, hoping they got enough footage to fill the entire hour. I know Peeta isn't up to finishing the interview, and I can't do it without him.
"Yes I think we have enough. Besides Plutarch can make anything work. You both did wonderful!" Cressida gushes. We both nod our thanks and they begin to pack up their equipment. As soon as everyone's gone I pull Peeta down onto the couch with me.
"What happened?" I ask quickly. He knows exactly what I mean.
"A hovercraft came and kidnapped you while you were in the woods. I saw it coming and was running to save you, but no matter how hard I ran I couldn't get to you. Then I was just angry that they had taken you away from me. I wanted to destroy everything in sight." He says blankly. He hasn't had this one for a while. He hasn't had a flashback in over a year and a half. The nightmares still come for both of us, but he hasn't been violent in a long time.
A few months after we returned to 12 when the war was over the capitol sent people to spray and kill off all the tracker jacker nests they could find. We hadn't seen any around in a long time, but it was always one of Peeta's triggers for those awful moments when he had no control over himself. I knew I would have to call and have them come and spray around the house for the nests again. I can't have this happening more often, not with it being so close to my due date.
Peeta sits with me on the couch for a while longer, but I can tell he has plenty on his mind. I don't press him to talk; I convince myself he'll come to me when he's ready.
But he doesn't. For the next 2 days he barely touches me. We sit in an uncomfortable silence at the dinner table and he won't sit next to me anymore. Our conversation doesn't go past how's the weather or who's turn is it to check on Haymitch. And I don't know why.
Finally, I'm to the point that I can't take the silence anymore. I have to know what's bothering him.
"Okay I've had enough of this!" I say one night at dinner.
"You've had enough of what?" he asks, as if he hasn't realized how distant he's been for the last two days.
"This silent treatment you've been giving me! Ever since that stupid interview you've barely spoken to me, and you won't come within two feet of me! I won't let you do this anymore! You can't undo this Peeta!" by now I'm yelling, and I can't bring myself to care.
"Undo what? I don't want to undo anything!" he retorts.
"This baby! I am having a baby for you! You don't get to take it back, this kid is coming and you better be ready for it!" I yell. I'm not really sure where all this is coming from. "I let you get me pregnant, and I let this kid take over my body for you. You don't get to check out on me just because things got a little tough!"
"I destroyed our dining room!" now he's yelling too. I see the tears forming in his eyes. "You saw what kind of damage I did, what if you'd been in the room with me? What if I'd hurt you?"
"But you didn't, it's over, the nests have been sprayed, they're gone."
"I didn't, but I could have. I could have hurt you or the baby." He says with tears running down his cheeks. I see the look of hurt and regret in his eyes. "Katniss I would never forgive myself if I hurt you."
"Peeta you are never going to hurt me." He starts to interrupt, but I clamp my hand over his mouth, forcing him to listen to me. "You have never hurt me. The capitol used you to hurt me. The mutated capitol version of you tried to strangle me. They trained you to kill me. It was never you. I have never blamed you for anything that happened to me. Well except this." I say laying a hand on my protruding belly.
"But I-" he begins but I cut him off.
"No! That's the truth of the matter Peeta. I don't want to hear anything more about it. I meant what I said; you don't get a do over. This baby is coming no matter one way or another." And with that I leave the room. I go upstairs to our bedroom. I take a long shower and lay down. A few minutes after I lay down I feel the bed dip in behind me, I feel his hand slide around my waist and caress my belly. He presses his lips against my ear.
"I'm sorry." He whispers.
"I know. It's okay."
"I love you."
"I love you too." And we fall asleep wrapped in each other's arms.
The next day I wake up and find the bed empty next to me. It takes a minute for me to get downstairs, but when I do I find Peeta standing over the stove and I can smell the sausage and eggs cooking. He turns and smiles, he hasn't looked this happy in two days, and I know he's back to himself.
"Smells great." I say returning his grin. He moves over to me and pulls me in for a kiss. I savor the moment. This is the first real kiss he's given me in over 48 hours and well…let's be honest his kisses are one of my worst cravings.
"I missed that." He says after I finally let him pull away. I grin and nod. I missed it too.
"Katniss," his tone is hesitant. I can tell he doesn't think I'm going to like what he says next…he's right.
"Look I don't want to start another fight, but I have to talk to you about something you said last night." I cringe knowing what he's likely to be talking about. There are a few things I said last night I'm really wishing I could take back right about now. But I know this conversation is inevitable, he'll never let it go. I must let him ask me about it and try not to get too angry with him.
"Katniss why did you say you were doing this for me? You made it sound like you don't want this baby."
"No Peeta that's not it-"
"Well that's what it sounded like to me. You said you let me get you pregnant. You said you let the baby take over your body all for me. I want you to be happy too."
"I am happy. I'm happy because you're happy. It doesn't matter anyway, I can't take this back either."
"But Katniss-"
"Look Peeta, it's okay. You are going to be an amazing father, and I promise I'll help you any way I can. I'm just not sure this whole mommy thing is going to be my forte."
"You are going to be a fantastic mother."
"Whatever you say…can we eat now? I'm starving, and I'm still eating for two." He laughs.
"Of course sweetheart, you can have as much as you want." I grin. We share a big breakfast and he gives ma another long kiss before he leaves for work.
Later that night we watch the new T.V. special. It's exactly what I thought it would be. Thankfully you can't even tell that Peeta had a flashback. He doesn't say anything, but I can tell he's watching for any kind of sign, any kind of hint that it's coming. But we don't find one. And for that I am grateful.
It happens a few days later. I don't see it coming, I don't know what's happening, and it scares the life out of me.
The pain is horrible. I move carefully over to the phone and dial the number for the Mrs. Hobbs. She comes right away. I ask her not to call Peeta. I can't scare him until I know what's going on.
Mrs. Hobbs arrives and helps me to the couch. She sits me down and helps me get into the right position for her to check me.
"Alright honey, calm down everything is fine. It's just Braxton-hicks contractions." She says in the same soothing voice my mother would always use with her patients.
"What does that mean?" I ask.
"It just means that your body is getting ready for the baby darling. It's normal, everyone has them. And they usually start towards the end of the third trimester."
"So the baby isn't coming?"
"No honey, at least not yet." I breathe a sigh of pure relief; just as Peeta walks through the door…I didn't realize it was so close to time for him to get home.
"What's going on?" he asks the second he sees Mrs. Hobbs.
"Nothing Peeta, I'm fine."
"What happened? Why didn't you call me?"
"I didn't want to worry you until I knew what was going on. It was just a false alarm." He breathes the same relieved sigh I did just minutes before.
"Yes it was." Mrs. Hobbs adds. "She just had some Braxton-hicks contractions. There will be plenty of those. Just stay calm, everything is fine."
"Thank God!" Peeta says.
After Mrs. Hobbs leaves he makes dinner and makes me relax the rest of the evening.
The following morning I'm in for another surprise…only this time I feel more like punching my husband in the face rather than kissing him.
"Peeta I do not need a babysitter!"
"It's not a babysitter, just someone to stay with you while I'm at work. I just worry about you and the baby."
"No! No! No!" I yell at him. "If you call her I swear I'll run away! I'll move in with Haymitch!"
"See here's the thing…"
"You didn't!"
"He did." Oh. No.
"Wow brainless, first you go and get yourself knocked up, then you don't even tell me about it, and now you're not even happy to see me." I cringe at the voice coming from behind me.
"Johanna, how…nice to see you again." I force through clenched teeth.
Hope you guys liked it! This was the longest and most fun chapter to write. It was originally almost 4,000 words long, but I decided that it was a little too long. So I have about one fourth of chapter 5 written. I'll leave the author's note up so make sure you check that out. I have a few questions in there, and I replied to a few comments. Anyways once again, please read & review! :)