Hey readers! Oops, I'm a bit later in updating then I would have liked. But it's here now, and that's what counts! And thanks for the reviews, everybody!
Enjoy!
That morning/mid-afternoon, Vyvyan Basterd was having a brilliant dream. It mainly involved having people (namely Neil, Rick and several university professors) tied down to operating tables while Vyvyan wielded his giant chainsaw, when suddenly halfway through sawing through Rick's midriff, he found himself suddenly hugging something warm and soft. A gigantic, strawberry-patterned bra! Yes! And it smelled a little bit like apricots!
...
Groaning a little bit, Vyvyan slowly opened his eyes and discovered that some of it had not actually been a dream. Not the part about sawing Rick in half (sadly for Vyvyan) but the other bit.
"Eh?" grunted Vyvyan, brain working at about half its usual capacity. The blanket twitched.
"Oh," mumbled the warm, soft thing, turning over and looking at him with bleary, half-lidded eyes. "G'mornin', Vyv."
"Uh, Evelyn?" Vyvyan said, sitting up a little straighter and blinking, "What are you doing in my bed?"
Not that he particularly minded having a pyjama-clad female lying next to him in bed or anything, but if it turned out they'd had sex or something and he was too drunk to remember, he was going to be cross. He squinted as the sun annoyingly shone in his face.
"I sort of, uh, sleepwalk." mumbled Evelyn, addressing the pillow she currently had half her face buried in. "Only I'm sorta aware that I'm doing it, and I just happen to think it's a good idea at the time,"
"Oh," articulated Vyvyan, trying to figure out how to ask the blazing question in his mind without risking the possible loss of his hearing.
Because, well...he didn't feel any different, and you were generally meant to know about such things, but he did have a bit to drink last night, so his memory was a little hazy...
Finally, he just went and blurted out, "?"
"Wha?" yawned Evelyn, who wasn't listening.
Vyvyan was disappointed, and sensibly decided not to push his luck.
"...Nothin'."
"Will you two shut up!" howled another voice, a voice with a distinctive lisp, "I am twying to sleep!"
"GET OUT OF MY BED, RICK, YOU BLOODY SNOT-NOSED BASTARD!!"
Mike was fishing through his cornflakes, ignoring the semi-incoherent screaming and the loud smashing noises coming from upstairs. He was trying to figure out what exactly the thing he had just fished out of them was supposed to be. He couldn't make up his mind whether it was supposed to be a dinosaur or an elephant. Perhaps it was some sort of cross-breed?
Mike's reverie was interrupted by Vyvyan, who came thumping into the kitchen, muttering something about apricots.
"Hello, Vyvyan,"
"Morning, Mike," replied Vyvyan, who seemed unusually distracted this morning. He began rooting around in the cupboard, apparently searching for something at least halfway edible, since Vyvyan didn't typically count lentils as "halfway" edible. They were more only-eat-in-life-or-death-situations-like-when-some-bastard-like-Prick-steals-the-emergency-Shreddies.
Mike wondered if it was because SPG had managed to get inside the walls again. What a disaster that had been. In the end, Vyvyan had been forced to rip away a good portion of the wall, only to reveal SPG playing what appeared to be a poker game with some of the mice that lived in the wall.
Before Mike could ask Vyvyan what was up (or go back to puzzling out whatever the four-legged thing he was holding in his hand was supposed to be) when Evelyn came drifting down the stairs. Evelyn's eye make-up from the previous day had smeared, making her resemble some kind of raccoon-girl crossbreed. One that liked to hang around in fairy grottos, apparently, judging by the fact she seemed to be wearing a set of fairy-lights as a necklace.
"Morning, Evelyn." Mike greeted calmly, pleased that he had had the foresight to wear sunglasses- it gave him a perfect advantage at looking at Evelyn's boobs without her actually noticing.
Although in fairness to Evelyn, she was still apparently only semi-conscious, so her observational skills were sub-par, to say the least.
Evelyn didn't bother responding; she just kind of grunted in Mike's general direction and flopped down at the table, her forehead gravitating towards the table as though her neck had suddenly lost the ability to support her head. Luckily, she avoided having a cereal facial, since Vyvyan snatched the bowl out of the way before Evelyn's nose made contact with it. This wasn't for her benefit though- Vyvyan had just realised that his bowl had a hole in the bottom, and was now inspecting it to see if it was of natural causes or SPG-related.
Just then, the front door opened and Neil came in, wearing his strange rain-cap, overcoat and a mildly perplexed expression.
"Hey guys, I just saw something incredibly weird outside." Announced Neil, placing the shopping bags he was clutching on the floor.
"Nevermind that right now, Neil, did you get the emergency supplies?" interjected Mike.
"I don't see why doing the food shopping and visiting the chemists classed as an emergency." Pouted Neil, nonetheless collecting the titbits from the shopping bags and stuffing them haphazardly into the fridge.
"Because, Neil." replied Mike, swooping down on the solitary bag from the Chemists, where there was a box of condoms stashed. "You never want to be caught unawares."
Evelyn snorted.
Suddenly, another figure came bursting in through the doorway. It was hard to identify who it was at first, considering they were coated in bits of grass and dust. Upon closer inspection, however, it was-
"You utter BASTARD, Vyvyan!" yelled Rick.
"Oh yeah, that was the really weird thing!" Neil said, in a tone of voice one uses when a Great Realisation dawns on them. "I thought that the crab-grass pile had, like, sprouted its very own pair of legs or something!"
"What happened THIS time?" asked Mike, in a sort of benevolently authoritative way.
"Vyvyan ONLY threw me out of the window!" screamed Rick, pointing an accusatory figure at the orange haired punk.
Vyvyan's rebuttal was to throw his bowl at him, which went whizzing past Rick's left ear and shattered against one of the random selves that seemed to serve no purpose in the house. It was sufficient enough to make Rick squeal girlishly and fling himself to the ground.
"I hate to ask the obvious, but why did you do that, Vyvyan?" sighed Mike.
"Because he's a twat!" came Vyvyan's prompt reply.
"No, I mean, throwing him out of your window."
"Um. Because he's a twat!"
"Why else?"
"Because he climbed into my BED, that's WHY!" yelled Vyvyan, in his typical screech. "He has a pervy crush on me or something!"
"Ugh, don't FLATTER yourself, Vyvyan!" yowled Rick, pulling a face what was supposed to be a sneer, but came out as a sort of toothy grimace. "As if I'd have a cwush on YOU!" Anyway, I wasn't the ONLY one in your be-"
This time, Rick WAS unconscious on the floor, but to the surprise of the others, it was due to a well-aimed cup from Evelyn. The fact that she only seemed to just now have realised she was, in fact, conscious was the most surprising thing of all.
"That shut him up." Mumbled Evelyn into the table.
"Nice." Supplied a surprised Vyvyan, after a brief pause.
"You were in VYVYAN's bed?" repeated Mike, slowly.
"RICK was in Vyvyan's bed?" asked Neil, gaping. "Is that true, Ev?"
"Cheese!" demanded Evelyn abruptly, hitting the table with unnecessary force and addressing the room at large. She then got up and stuck her head inside the fridge.
"Well, tha's one way ta avoid tha subject!" SPG said, from the top of the fridge. Vyvyan threw a fork at him.
Evelyn wasn't listening- she was busily chucking everything that wasn't cheese out of the fridge over her shoulder, whilst Neil ended up frantically scrabbling about to collect it, and to catch anything fragile before it smashed and he was inevitably blamed for it. Unfortunately, he missed a jar of tomato sauce.
"Oh, no." Moaned Neil sadly, kneeling by the smashed jar. "Now you'll never be eaten. Imagine all that time, right, if you were a tomato and you got ground into sauce, only to be smashed all over the floor."
"I never wanted to be tomato sauce, anyway." Complained the smashed jar.
"Yes, it's true." Evelyn announced, as though there had been no break in the conversation at all. "By some bizarre chain of events, me and Rick magically ended up in Vyvyan's bed. Personally, I blame the schools."
"Putting blame aside for the moment, exactly why were you in Vyvyan's bed?" asked Mike, quirking an eyebrow.
"Exactly what I want to know!" agreed Rick, who had by now woken up from his short period of unconsciousness.
"I was hoping that I was in this dream I once had, and that if I climbed into Vyvan's bed, he'd turn into Billy Idol and then snog me." explained Evelyn, smiling dreamily to herself as she continued to ruthlessly hunt for her spreadable cheese. Vyvyan had a rather stunned look on his face.
"Why Vyvyan's bed?" pondered Neil.
Evelyn momentarily stopped hunting around in the fridge and raised her eyebrows.
"Do you see anyone else more likely than him to turn into Billy Idol?"
"Good point." conceded Mike.
"I think the bigger question is what RICK was doing there!" added Neil, who looked puzzled. Then again, Neil looked puzzled often.
"Something about a nightmare." Evelyn said, shrugging.
"Yeah, that's one way of saying it!" agreed Vyvyan loudly.
"So is referring to an innocent observer as a peeping Tom, but that would be labelling." Mike quipped. "And while all of you are down here, I have an announcement. And that would be that I am going to a party tonight, and since I am a generous man, you're all free to tag along."
"What?!"
"What I mean, Rick, is that you can follow me in to the party. Ride in on the coat-tails, so to speak."
"I know what 'tag along means'-!" began Rick, indignantly.
"And you should be very proud."
"-What I MEAN, Michael, is who's party is it, and WHY did you only wait until just now to mention it?"
"Rick, you can't possibly expect me to keep track of all the girls who invite me to places in the future, alright? But just this once, I'll tell you that it was Mary Rodgers who invited me yesterday."
"Hold on." Vyvyan said who had been experimentally trying a daring new flavour combination that involved milk, ketchup and Shreddies. "Isn't she the one who-"
Vyvyan's observation (and the hand gesture that would inevitably go with it) was cut short suddenly by something VERY bad.
"Hello, boys!" cried a familiar (but none too welcome) voice. "It's your landlord, Jerzei!"
This was followed by a boot that came crashing through the living room window, which landed on the floor with a very loud bang.
"Oh no!" lamented Neil, "He's probably come to charge us more money."
"Nevermind that, Neil!" whispered Mike urgently. "If he sees Evelyn here, a girl that hasn't been in Season One, he may just figure out we've secretly taken in another lodger."
"Oh, right!"
Mike looked about frantically, then, inspiration struck.
"Ev, hide in the cupboard!"
"What?" cried Evelyn, confused and now rather annoyed. "No way!"
"Vyvyan!"
"Gotcha, Mike!"
Evelyn turned and tried to fend Vyvyan off with one of the deadliest weapons known to mankind- a slap fight. Vyvyan was, admittedly, distracted for a moment, then he somehow managed to grab Evelyn by the collar of her T-shirt and push her into the cupboard, shutting the door and pushing himself against it as Evelyn immediately started thudding violently against it, using a variety of very interesting swearwords. He waved at Mike to signal the all clear, and the aforementioned CoolPerson opened the door.
"Oh, hello, Mr. Balowski!" said Mike, in a would-be jubilant voice, opening the door the smallest amount possible whilst still being able to see him. "Nice to see you!"
"Yes, yes, wonderful, now go AWAY, fascist!" shouted Rick, trying to sound 'ard.
Nobody was convinced.
"Now, now, boys!" Mr. Balowski tutted, pushing the door wide opening and strolling in without so much as a how-do-you-do. "I just wanted to check up on my favourite lodgers!"
"And charge us the moon, while you're at it." added Mike, wryly, to one of the cameras.
"Actually, yes!"
"Why am I not surprised...heavy." mumbled Neil.
Mr. Balowski, either not hearing or ignoring Neil's unusually dark remark, whipped out a clipboard and fountain pen, seemingly from nowhere. The pen glimmered irritatingly in the sunlight- there was a theory (mostly encouraged by Rick) that the pen was made of solid gold, being a metaphorical middle-finger to the hapless students that Balowski exploited in his evil money-grubbing (fascist) ways.
"Right, for a start, that's £300 for the broken window." began Balowski, indicating it.
"But YOU broke that!" shouted Rick.
"No proof!"
Whilst Balowski argued with the others about whether a solitary boot that matched the one his foot on the carpet constituted as proof, Vyvyan was still leaning against the door, trying and failing to look casual. Unfortunately, Evelyn's muffled thuds on the door were still going strong, probably just to be annoying. Then, all of a sudden, they stopped. Frowning, Vyvyan turned and peered through the keyhole in the door. He couldn't see anything sparkle, so he was forced to assume that she had simply vanished. Possibly into an alternate dimension.
"Right, so, that so far comes to a grand total of £2,460." Balowski mumbled, still scribbling.
"You utter BASTARD!" shouted Rick.
Vyvyan groped for his cricket bat, and crept up behind Rick and clubbed him on the back of the head, an effective way of shutting him up. Or he might have just been bored.
"Now, come on, Mr. Balowski, don't jump the gun." Mike said conversationally, clapping him on the back. "Why not have a cup of tea first?"
Suddenly, there was a strange thudding noise from upstairs. Vyvyan backed even further away from the door, frowning at it as though it had just tried to explain quantum mechanics to him. Just then, however, a door to Vyvyan's left opened and Evelyn came staggering out, looking as though she had suddenly been caught in a violent wind.
Michael shot Vyvyan a rather exasperated face. Vyvyan kind of shrugged empathetically at him, as if to say, "It wasn't my bloody fault!"
Which it wasn't, because how was Vyvyan supposed to remember that he discovered Narnia in that cupboard the one time? Although, really, the fact that some woman dressed up in furs had offered him Turkish Delight had made his memory a little fuzzy around the edges.
"Annnd...who are you?" said Balowski, finally noticing a rather dusty Evelyn, who was coughing rather violently.
"I'm the tooth fairy!" Evelyn shouted, in between wheezy coughs. "Who the hell do you think I am?"
Just then, there was a flash of light, and a rather stroppy-looking figure in a tiny silver dress appeared, complete with wings, a crown and long, platinum-blonde hair. The figure promptly smacked Evelyn on the head with her sparkly wand, and then vanished again. Evelyn rubbed her forehead.
"Ow."
"Well, that's an extra £70 for the stripper." added Balowski, writing something else on his infernal clipboard.
"St-strip-stripper?!" screeched Evelyn, her face going an interesting shade of pink, and she made a kind of weird lunging motion towards Balowski, though luckily she tripped over the hem of her jeans and landed with a thud on her face. Vyvyan laughed.
Feeling that Evelyn wasn't the type to give up on the first try, particularly after being accused of taking her clothes off for money and that Balowski might not appreciate being violently attacked by an elf with racoon make-up, Michael quickly took control of the situation.
"Oh, wouldja look at that?" he remarked, all casual-like. "Some students from the house next door seem to be selling their rented furniture for a tidy profit."
And with that, Balowski cried, "What?! Jerzei doesn't think so!" and rushed out, shouting over his shoulder. "I'll be sending you the bill within a fortnight!"
"That was heavy." moaned Neil.
"I can't BELIEVE you hadn't thought of that before!" yelled Evelyn, pushing herself to her feet. "How bloody stupid do you have to be to just ASSUME your landlord won't even bloody NOTICE that suddenly somebody else lived here!"
"Come on, Evelyn, you saw what he was like." said Mike reasonably. "Just be happy that you won't have to pay extra after moving into different accommodation."
"Nobody KNOWS I've moved yet." snapped Evelyn. "I haven't even got all of my stuff back, since those stupid worthless bitches I used to live with haven't even bothered to send it yet, which I'm going to have to ring them for, AGAIN-"
Evelyn went on an angry diatribe about her ex-flatmates, which was a sufficient diversion from her rage towards Balowski, and probably everyone else as well for forcing her into a cupboard and lying about her existence. It wasn't something most people would generally approve of, after all.
"Er, Mike, do you think he's really going to send us a bill?" inquired Neil nervously, as Evelyn carried on ranting to nobody in particular. "Cause the last time he did that, we did get evicted and then we robbed a bank, and you know, I really don't think robbing places is good for my cosmic balance."
"Don't worry, Neil, Balowski's been ordered by the Court- he's not allowed to throw us out of the house for the rest of the year, considering what happened to that double-decker bus."
Rick coughed and began humming to himself. Despite the fact that stealing the bus was the most anarchic thing he had ever done, the fact that him and the others had only narrowly escaped being blown up had made the incident all rather traumatic.
"Well, anyway." Evelyn went on now, apparently having calmed down sufficiently and stalking across the room. "I have some stuff to attend to."
"Eh?" Rick articulated. Evelyn shot the boys a dark look.
"I have some phone calls to make."
Several hours later, the boys had found themselves getting ready to go out again. It was all rather exciting. However, they had soon discovered that if they thought they took a long time to do everything, then Evelyn seemed to do everything in bullet time.
"Uh, guys, exactly how long ago was it since Ev said 'Just give me five minutes'?" queried Neil.
"About an hour and a half." replied Mike, laconically.
"Oh,"
After Evelyn had made a few rather heated phone calls (included one that ended with Evelyn screaming, "FINE! Well tell her that her arse would look fat if she was wearing a CIRCUS TENT!" and then throwing the phone down so hard she nearly cracked it, she had calmly announced that she was going to go get ready for the party. It was a little unnerving, actually, but wisely nobody had questioned her sudden mood change.
"This is bloody widiculous!" shouted Rick, hands on hips. "What an earth can she be doing up there?"
"Girl things," suggested Vyvyan, who was lounging on the sofa.
"Evelyn!" yelled Rick, stomping angrily over to the bottom of the stairs. No reply.
"Ev?" tried Neil, timidly.
Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
"This calls for drastic action." Mike announced seriously, to the camera.
Getting quickly bored with Vyvyan and Rick's pathetic attempts to get a response (plus, he couldn't hear the telly over their bleating) Vyvyan decided to give it a go himself.
"EV! I'm gonna count to three, and if you don't come down by three, I'm gonna break the door down!"
"Let's hope you remember how this time!" retorted Evelyn's slightly muffled voice.
Rick giggled shrilly, only to shriek when Vyvyan shoved him over and meandered over to the bottom of the stairs.
"Alright, fine! ONE! TWO!"
Creak. Thud. Creak.
"...Three?" said Vyvyan, slowly, as though he had indeed forgotten how.
The stairs creaked slightly as Evelyn descended them. She was wearing possibly the tightest jeans in the entire world. On her feet were turquoise wedges, which matched the impossibly glittery boob tube she had on. The air reeked of some kind of perfume.
"Wow, Ev," commented Neil, awed. "You look, like, you know, you've come out of your cocoon or something."
"Um, thanks, Neil," Ev said, not really sure how to take that. Rick snorted.
"Yes, well, I supposed an ACTUAL caterpillar coming out of its cocoon would have taken considewably less time then you!"
"Oh, shut up!" retorted Evelyn, putting her own hands on her hips and leaning forward, "At least I don't wear the same yellow dungarees to everything!"
"I'll have you know that the girlies think my dungawees are the sexist things since...sex," finished Rick, lamely.
"You look like a ferret in a banana skin!"
Vyvyan let out a screech of derisive laughter at this, Neil giggled tentatively and Mike smiled to himself.
"I do NOT!" shouted Rick, with much stomping of his foot.
"You do!" yelled Evelyn.
"Do not!"
"Do too!"
"I bloody well do not!"
"We're late for the party," Mike pointed out.
"Oh bugger!" shouted Evelyn, with renewed vigour, "We'll never make it in time!"
"Don't be stupid." snorted Vyvyan, "It's just down the road."
The party was delightfully noisy and crowded, and Mike prompted vanished into the crowd, presumably to find a girl drunk/bored enough to talk to him, and possibly for him to somehow persuade into getting into bed with him.
Rick was unimpressed.
"A bit low-bwow, isn't it?" he inquired, wrinkling his nose. He, Evelyn and Vyvyan, who had been loitering uncertainly in the doorway, made their way inside and kind of perched around one of the tables littered about the room. "I feel like a motorbike gang will come cwashing thwough the window at any moment!"
"Excellent!" agreed Vyvyan. "I can get off my tits on Babysham, fight some bikers and smash the place up!"
Vyvyan glanced beside him to see that Evelyn was suddenly conspicuously absent. However, something shiny caught his eye and he looked down to see Evelyn hiding under the table again, which seemed stupid considering the trillions of years she had spent in the bathroom getting ready.
"S'alright, Evelyn, I wasn't serious." Vyvyan told her, failing to mention which part exactly he wasn't serious about. He couldn't help wondering if Evelyn had some sort of fixation with hiding under things.
"That's not the problem," whispered Ev, peering out from under the table and staring at the doorway, eyes bugging in their sockets. "That's my ex-boyfriend!"
I'll try to update sooner next time!
Until then!