A/N: Between my busy holiday schedule, one beta being on vacation without Internet access and the other deserving a much-needed holiday break from my demands, I didn't think I'd have this chapter ready before the new year. But once again, Evelyn-Shaye and Munkeerajah, the most wonderful betas a gal could be blessed with, came through for me. Evelyn did a great job catching all my mistakes and even without reliable Internet access Munkeerajah managed to review and contribute!

I started SSW a little over six months ago and it's been a great ride! Thanks to all of you for taking it with me. I hope 2012 brings everyone happiness, good health and everything you need to keep your family safe, warm and loved.

Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

Chapter 26 – Slow Burn

Leah POV

Six hours after Nahuel took my breath away with his sweet, romantic proposal, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with all those flowers.

I wanted to take every one of them—every freakin' stem, bud and petal—and shove them up Sam's ass. Then, I wanted to light them on fire. And, thanks to an overt display of Sam's barely concealed aggression, there was even a huge, intimidating bonfire on hand to light them with.

The dusky reds and burnished golds of twilight were fading into purple darkness by the time we arrived at the council meeting grounds. Sam's pack had already lit the fire and arranged a ring of logs, stumps and low benches around it.

Obviously, the participants were meant to sit there. And understandably, the vampires were a little put off by the arrangement, what with them being naturally … um, supernaturally … highly flammable.

Carlisle, Jasper and Edward—looking about a hundred years older than the seventeen-year-old he pretended to be—stood as far away from the fire as they could while still being in the circle. As soon as we arrived, Nahuel took up position behind them, sitting on the ground in the shadows, his elegant hands folded neatly in his lap. The remnants of Jake's pack—Paul, Embry, Quil, Beau and Seth—sat in a huddle close to the Cullens. Sam's guys sat on the opposite side of the fire, closer to the elders.

It was difficult to ignore the symbolism of everyone's positioning. Wood smoke and tension hung heavy in the air.

As soon as the chief elder—a sour-looking, goat-faced geezer who probably was young when dinosaurs roamed the earth—called the meeting to order, Sam launched his attack.

"The wolves are both the soul and the muscle of our tribe," he said, pacing like a powerful predator between the packs and the elders. "Since the time of Ephraim Black, all wolves have followed an Alpha. The Alpha provides the pack with the conscience and judgment needed to protect the tribe. With danger so close, we cannot afford to have even one wolf …" his eyes darted to me, "… useless and without direction."

He halted in front of the elders, his back to Jake's pack. "With Jacob missing, his pack is exactly that—useless and directionless." He paused for effect, allowing his words to sink into the slowly processing brains of the elders. "I ask the council to give them the direction they need by ordering the members of Jacob's pack to rejoin mine."

When Paul had told me what Sam planned, I'd had trouble believing he'd go through with it, even knowing, as I did now, that Sam's capacity for assholian behavior was boundless. Some small part of me clung to the memory of the man I'd once loved, and just couldn't believe Sam would try to steal Jake's pack from him.

I'd come to tonight's meeting telling myself I'd wait and see what he had to say before passing judgment. Now, barely ten minutes into the council meeting, I was gritting my teeth, trying my damnedest to hold back the string of profanities I so wanted to screech in Sam's arrogant, self-righteous face.

Long ago, when I'd been blindly in love with him, I'd thought the warm, flickering caress of firelight made him look heroic and noble. Yeah, you can only be that stupid when you're young and getting laid for the first time.

Sam had just made his power play to take over Jake's pack. The words were barely out of his mouth before Paul was on his feet, challenging our former Alpha in a way that was only going to convince the elders that Sam was right about Jake's pack needing to be brought to heel.

"There is no fucking way any one of us is going to follow you," Paul raged. "Jake's our Alpha and we are not going to abandon him."

Paul might as well have hung the words "push here" in obnoxious red neon over his head, because Sam knew exactly which buttons to finger to set him—and me—off.

"At least one of you already has," Sam said, his deep voice dripping with contempt as his eyes flicked to where I stood midway between Jake's pack and the Cullens.

Heat surged up my cheeks and the muscles of my back tightened painfully, but I held my tongue. If I reacted to Sam's barb, it would only look bad for our side, and might make Nahuel feel he needed to defend me. Beside, what could I say when Sam was right?

"Half of you were planning to rejoin my pack anyway when Jake left with the Cullens," Sam continued. "What difference should it make if you do that a little bit sooner than originally planned?"

There were four other elders besides my Mom, Billy and goat-face, and they'd been watching the confrontation like armchair quarterbacks whose mouths were too full of Buffalo wings to manage a coherent word. They thought they were going to sit back and let things play out before they made a decision that they imagined would bind both packs.

They had no fucking clue how quickly things were slipping in a direction from which none of us would easily be able to return. If something didn't give soon, I was pretty sure Paul and Sam were going to throw down right there in the middle of the council circle. If that happened, someone was going to get hurt—or worse.

Paul was barely holding it together. His body vibrated with fury. "You fucking know that if we all join your pack, that leaves Jake with no connection to any of us," he snarled, spittle spraying across the short distance between him and Sam.

My ex studied Paul as if he were half a worm in an apple Sam had just bitten into.

"If you really are concerned about finding Jacob, then your pack needs a leader to be useful," he said. He cast a derisive glare at me again. "Without an Alpha, you have no direction. Maybe if you still had a beta …"

He let the statement hang in the acrid, chilled air.

And there it was.

The real reason we were all in this cluster fuck. By breaking my link to Jake, I'd also cut myself off from my other pack brothers. If I couldn't communicate with them through the pack mind, I couldn't lead them as their beta. Sam—and Seth, too, though he hadn't actually come out and said it—clearly thought I deserved to get my bare ass spanked in public for what I'd done.

I had to agree, but Sam sure as hell wasn't the wolf to do it. No, that privilege belonged to my rightful Alpha, and I'd happily let Jake kick my tail sideways if he wanted to.

Just as soon as we found him.

The moment seemed right for me to open my mouth and give Paul the backing he'd asked from me. I strode into the circle to stand beside Jake's brother-in-law, raised my chin and glared at Sam.

"I made a mistake," I said, mercilessly slapping down my pride. "Jake and Renesmee—the rest of the pack—shouldn't have to suffer any more because of my mistake."

"They're already suffering," Sam replied, scornfully. He nodded toward where Jake's remaining pack members sat in a huddle. "Look at them."

Against my will, my eyes slid to follow Sam's nod. Five pairs of desperate, frightened eyes skewered me. I'd never seen a sadder, more lost-looking lot of muscle-bound losers. Sam was right again: they needed direction. But not from him.

If they rejoined his pack, Sam would never allow them to go looking for Jake, which is what every last one of them wanted—and needed—to do. Yet because of my own selfish stupidity, I couldn't give them the leadership they needed.

Long seconds stretched between us as I pondered what to do. Paul's angst gained momentum.

"You're only making everything worse by trying to force us all to abandon our Alpha," he growled at Sam, aggression deepening his voice. "You can't do it, Sam. None of us will give up on Jake to follow you."

Finally, goat-face found his voice.

"She doesn't deserve it for her disloyalty, but we're permitting Leah Clearwater to speak out of respect for her mother's place on this council and for her father's memory," he said, sharply. "But the elders have not agreed to allow you to speak, Paul Lahote. You will sit down and be quiet."

For a horrible moment, I thought Paul was going to tell the old bastard to fuck off—which is what I wanted to do. Hell, the old Leah would have done exactly that, and even now, part of me thought, why not? How could that possibly make things worse?

My throat closed tightly, which was probably the only thing that kept my dinner from coming back up. I was nauseated and paralyzed with guilt and uncertainty. I didn't know how to fix this, and the only person I could think of who would know … was missing because of me.

Maybe my prolonged silence made Paul think I wasn't going to back him up anymore, because the anger on his face rapidly gave ground to hopelessness. He sank back to his seat and slumped forward, his chin drooping onto his chest in defeat. Giving up was totally out of character for Paul, and a symptom of how lost he—and all the others—felt without Jake's presence.

Seth dropped his hand on Paul's broad shoulder and gave it a comforting squeeze. I looked at my baby brother's massive hand, and suddenly, I knew what to do.

I didn't trust my brother's imprint, but I did trust Seth.

"Seth can lead them," I said.

My brother's head snapped up, his disbelieving eyes shot to me and his mouth dropped open. The rest of the pack stared at me like I'd just announced I was giving them all free cars. Behind me, pitched so low I doubted anyone on the other side of the fire caught it, I heard Edward's whisper.

"Well played, Leah."

Of course, he'd digested my thoughts before I'd even fully formed them. His smooth voice sounded like he might actually approve.

Sam's reaction was not so positive. "Oh, come on! He's just a kid," he cried, appalled by my suggestion. "He's not Alpha material!"

I turned on him fiercely, taking three steps until we were chest-to-chest. "Neither are you, Sam Uley," I growled. "Jacob Black is the only rightful Alpha in this tribe, and everyone knows it, including you."

Sam's face purpled in the dancing firelight and the muscles in his strong jaw leaped. I had just pushed the one button we both knew was almost guaranteed to make him blow. Only the presence of the elders—and his need to impress them with his leadership qualities so they'd give him Jake's pack—held him back. Because he couldn't very well tell me to fuck off like he wanted to, he said nothing and just continued to glare at me.

I pressed my attack. "Since Jake isn't here right now to lead the packs …" I intentionally emphasized the plural, "… Seth is the logical choice. His bloodline is as pure and long as Jake's, and he's older than Jacob was when he assumed leadership."

Over Sam's shoulder, I saw my mother's worried eyes darting between me and Seth. Beside her, Billy Black was nodding enthusiastically, as if he'd just heard the most brilliant idea ever. The other elders sat quietly, wearing expressions that ranged from contemplative to outraged. It was typical of them to let others hash out disagreements before they stepped in at the eleventh hour and made a decision, whether anyone else liked it or not.

As if no one else was around, they bent their grizzled heads together and muttered amongst themselves, apparently forgetting that the vamps on the other side of the fire would be able to hear their whispers as clearly as a shout. After tense, torturous minutes, they broke apart and goat-face turned to address the larger group.

"We find Leah's proposal acceptable," he said solemnly. I rolled my eyes. Dude was taking his role way too seriously. "We will accept Seth Clearwater as a temporary substitute for Jacob Black and permit him to lead the pack."

Sam looked like he'd just been snapped on his naked ass with a wet towel. He wheeled to face my former pack brothers.

"Maybe Seth doesn't want to lead the pack," he said calculatingly. "It's a helluva responsibility. How about it Seth? Feel like taking over for me?"

Seth hadn't uttered a peep since the council began. Now, he rose slowly to his feet and stepped into the circle to face Sam. In the past year, Seth had finally stopped growing, reaching his fully matured height, which put him a good three inches taller than Sam—the same height as Jake, although he hadn't yet muscled out quite as much as our Alpha.

Challenge and animosity radiated from every line of Sam's muscular form. I knew he was trying to bait Seth into doing or saying something rash and immature—anything that would convince the elders that my brother wasn't up to leading Jake's pack. But if Sam really thought his confrontational attitude would get a rise out of Seth, the joke was on him.

"No, Sam," he said calmly. "I won't take over for anyone. But I will help my pack brothers lead the search for our Alpha. We're not giving up on Jake, and I don't think the elders want that, either. Otherwise, why would they invite Carlisle, Jasper and Edward to be here tonight?"

Sam deflated faster than a balloon poked with a hat pin. Across the fire, I saw the elders, one by one, slowly nod in agreement. A few of them turned to whisper to each other. Billy was gripping my mother's hand, his weathered face creased with a mixture of hope and anxiety.

"I think we need to get this meeting back on track and address what's really important," Seth said, his voice calm and commanding. I had a sudden flashback to how he'd taken charge that awful day in my mother's kitchen, when I'd been sure my world was collapsing around me and the only thing I could think to do was sit on my imprint with my teeth at his throat.

"We all want what's best for the packs and our tribe, and right now that means finding Jake," Seth said.

"Dr. Cullen, would you tell us what your family is doing to find Jacob and Renesmee?" my mother asked, seizing the opening Seth had made to divert the meeting in the direction we wanted it to take.

Carlisle stepped a few paces closer to the elders, still maintaining his distance from the fire. The glow of the firelight underscored his unearthly beauty, and I hoped it wouldn't remind the elders of their innate distrust of all vampires.

"We've been backtracking along the trail established by Nahuel's captors," he said. "Unfortunately, we haven't yet been able to locate the exact spot where we believe Jacob and Renesmee were captured. We believe it is near the barn where Nahuel and Leah were attacked, but we haven't been able to find that structure yet."

Goat-face interrupted. "Wait. Captured? Do you assume this rogue vampire has them?"

Behind me, Edward's low, anguished groan hit me between the shoulder blades with a stab of fresh guilt. If Carlisle had heard Edward's torment—and he must have, given that vampires hear everything—he didn't react to it. I cast a glance over my shoulder at Edward, and remembered Jake's description of how the mind-reader had looked when Bella was pregnant and dying. His eyes were hollow, and his shoulders hunched forward, as if he would collapse in on himself if anyone so much as brushed against him.

"That seems the most logical explanation for Jacob and Renesmee's disappearance," he said, continuing to address the elders. "We have come here tonight hoping to enlist the packs' aid in searching for our family members."

"What would you have us do?" goat-face demanded.

"We ask that you allow Jacob's pack to join our search," Carlisle answered. "Until now, we have been limited in the distance we could cover and the time we could spend because my family is so few. We need to range farther and spend more time looking. The extra numbers and skills of Jake's pack will give us that ability."

If Jacob had been here, Carlisle wouldn't have had to ask for help with anything, I thought, swallowing down my remorse. Jake would have given it immediately. So would I, actually, if I'd been in charge as his beta.

Sam stepped rudely and arrogantly between Carlisle and the elders.

"We can't risk the lives of so many pack members on what could already be a lost cause," he said, raising his voice to be heard over the low growl that was rumbling out of Edward. Billy moaned and hid his face in his hands. Mom wrapped a comforting arm around his shoulders and glared angrily at Sam.

Sam's face softened. "I'm sorry, Billy," he said quietly. "We have to face the very real possibility that Jacob is already beyond our help."

He turned his attention to the other elders. "We don't know where Jake is or if he's even still alive. What we do know is that this rogue vampire and his coven are still out there. They're murdering humans and we need every available pack member here to protect our people and our lands."

As Sam spoke, a few of the elders nodded in agreement. My heart plummeted to my toes in the same instant my stomach headed north again, pushing bile into my throat. Would they really refuse to allow anyone to help find Jacob? The packs were bound by tribal law to follow the council's commands. If they said no, it wouldn't stop me from joining the Cullens, but most of the other pack members had much more to lose than I did if they disobeyed the council.

I took a step closer to the elders, drawing their attention back to me. "Look, I've seen what Joham can do," I said, purposefully meeting their eyes one by one. By now, they all knew what Nahuel and I had been through a few days ago. "We need to find him and stop him before he ever gets to our lands. To do that, we need to find Jake because that's where Joham will be, too."

"Leah's right," Jasper agreed. "Initially, Joham might have taken Nahuel as a diversion, hoping we'd let our guard down and give him an opportunity to take Renesmee. But if he has her now, and has Jacob, too, he's not going to be satisfied that Nahuel got away. He's going to be back."

"So send the half-breed to him and maybe he'll leave the tribe alone," Sam sneered, casting a glare over my shoulder at Nahuel.

I saw red. Literally. Sam's belligerent face swam before my eyes in a crimson haze. I turned on him, snarling, and whatever he saw in my face was intense enough to actually make him retreat a step.

"Fuck you, Sam Uley!" I screamed, shaking my finger in his face. "No one is fucking sending Nahuel anywhere."

His face purpled instantly … and drained of all color almost as quickly. He stared at my hand—my left hand—as if I were holding a hissing viper to his throat. The ring on my finger caught the light and scattered tiny, shattered prisms across Sam's shirt front. His jaw flexed, and his lips curled back from his white teeth. Hate-filled and icy, his eyes held mine for a long, pregnant moment. I held my breath, waiting for him to make a move that would finally bring Nahuel into the circle and at his throat.

Before Sam could do or say anything, Seth diverted his attention, striding boldly forward to place himself between my ex and me.

"I'm sure you spoke without thinking just now," Seth said quietly, his dark eyes glittering with uncharacteristic anger. "I'm sure, now that you've had a moment to think about it, you realize handing Nahuel over to Joham would be breaking the pack law against harming another wolf's imprint."

Seth's round-about accusation hit Sam like a slap. He blanched and backed up a step. Whether he liked it or not, Nahuel was my imprint. He could rage and challenge my desire to marry Nahuel, could even reject his right to be on the res, but he couldn't fight the pack's one unbreakable law. That law had protected Renesmee against Sam's bloodlust six years ago, and it would keep Nahuel—and Anjali, even if she turned out to be a betrayer—safe as well.

In a move that, more than any other, illustrated why Sam would never be the Alpha that Jacob was, he dropped his eyes from Seth's and turned his head slightly to the side.

"I'm sorry," he muttered stiffly. "I wasn't thinking. Of course you're right. Pack law binds us to protect all wolves' imprints, regardless of their … heritage."

Seth studied Sam for a moment. He probably didn't trust Sam's apparent submission any more than I did, but like Jake, he knew when to pick his battles. Without waiting for any kind of confirmation from the council, he turned to Carlisle and Jasper.

"We'll help you, doc," he said, confidently. "What do you need?"

Jasper didn't even try to hide his satisfied smirk. "Just show up first thing tomorrow with your guys." His golden eyes flickered to me. "We need Leah and Nahuel, too. With their help and Anjali tracking, we should be able to pick up the trail and follow it all the way back to the barn where Nahuel was being held. We think that's where Jake and Nessie were when they got grabbed."

I fought down another wave of nausea at the thought of having to go back to that hellhole, but if it would help find Jake, I'd dance into that fucking barn naked and singing the national anthem. And at least they were done excluding me.

"It's agreed, then," goat-face said with an air of finality that said the matter—and the meeting—was closed. "Seth will lead his pack in assisting the Cullens in their search for Jacob Black." He hesitated, his eyes drifting to where Billy sat clutching my mother's hand so tightly his knuckles were white.

"We wish you good luck and Godspeed," he added, demonstrating for the first time that night that maybe he wasn't the complete asshole I'd assumed he was. Without another word, he rose, signaling the meeting was over, and the elders and other pack members began to leave the circle.

I turned to look for Nahuel in time to see him rise from the ground, brushing dirt from his fingertips. Deep gouge marks scored the earth where he'd been sitting. I'd wondered how he'd managed to stay silent through the tense moments. Guess now I knew.

Before Nahuel reached me, Seth swept me up in a smothering hug. He didn't say a word, only held on to me like he'd just rediscovered something precious that he'd given up for lost. My arms came up to hug his shoulders, even though he was really too big to embrace comfortably.

"I'm sorry," I choked. My nose was smashed against his vast chest and I had to struggle for air. "I'm so sorry, Seth. I fucked up. And then I didn't know how to fix it. I should have asked you first before I said anything but … I d-didn't kn-know what else to do."

Oh, fuck. Why the hell am I crying again?

Seth pushed back to look at me. I was even more appalled by his tears than my own. "S'okay, Leah," he said, his voice low and husky. "Thank you for having so much faith in me." He took a step back, but kept his hands on my shoulders, and ducked his head to keep our eyes at the same level.

"We're going to find Jake and Renesmee," he said, his dark eyes intense and determined. "And then we're going to get you back in the pack where you belong. We're going to fix everything."

Glittering and angry, Sam's eyes met mine over Seth's broad shoulder. They turned hard and hate-filled when his gaze ranged beyond me to where Nahuel stood waiting patiently. A chill scurried down my spine, despite the overwhelming heat of Seth's embrace. I knew without a doubt that if Seth and the council had allowed it, Sam would have personally delivered my imprint to Joham.

My eyes must have hurled that accusation at him as emphatically as if I'd spoken it aloud. Realizing Sam was still standing behind him, Seth released me and turned to face our former Alpha. Nahuel's heat replaced Seth's as he pressed his length against my back and looped his arms around my waist from behind.

"I know you all think I'm an asshole right now," Sam said, his voice icy and rigid. "But everything I've said and done here tonight was to protect our tribe, our packs and my children."

As if he hadn't yet fucked up my night badly enough, he salted the wound that he always knew waited, open and oozing, on my soul.

"You'd understand if you had kids of your own."

SSW/SSW/SSW

Dreaming. I knew I was dreaming.

Part of my unconscious mind actually remembered the council meeting. Sam's hate-filled words. Seth's easy forgiveness, and the relief and gratitude of my other pack brothers. The drive home in my mother's car, so exhausted and emotionally drained that I fell asleep before we reached the house. Being lifted and carried and tucked into bed, surrounded by warmth and comfort and Nahuel's spicy-sweet cinnamon scent.

I was home, in my bed, snuggled up next to my imprint.

There was no way I was back in that fucking cold, bleak barn. No way I was watching Sam, Emily and their spawn playing Frisbee on the snow-covered ground visible through the hole I'd bashed in the barn wall when I jumped Joham's lackey.

I was dreaming, and I knew it.

That didn't help at all.

I stood inside the dark barn, at the edge of that jagged, gaping hole, laughing like a loon at the antics of the Uley clan. Nahuel's strong, scarred arms wrapped around me from behind. His warm body shook with laughter, too.

Suddenly, the snow was gone and the small, brush-clogged clearing around the barn had turned into a sprawling open lawn that was lush and emerald green, and bounded on all sides by towering, sentinel-like trees in full leaf. The Uleys' Frisbee was gone and they were all playing croquet.

To one side of the wickets, my dead father and my undead doctor sat side by side, comfortably and companionably, at a white wrought-iron bistro set. They were sipping tall, narrow dew-covered glasses of iced tea topped with springs of mint. They laughed and applauded as Sam's daughter whacked a ball through a wicket.

Everyone was dressed like something out of the Great Gatsby, and while the style worked for Carlisle, even in my dream Dad looked like he was wearing someone else's clothes.

The blue-striped ball rolled across the lawn, coming to rest against the side of Carlisle's too-shiny white patent leather shoe. He reached down, picked up the ball and held it out toward Sam's daughter. The little girl, all dark dancing braids and cotton-candy-pink frills and sugar-sweet giggles, skipped over to the table. Her chubby little fingers reached for the ball.

As she retrieved the toy from Carlisle's hands, their fingers brushed lightly. Sunlight sparkled off his skin, casting a myriad of rainbows across her little face and hands.

Suddenly, Sam's colossal, black wolf form careened into the vampire, tipping over his chair and carrying them both down to the grass. His wickedly long, sharp teeth ripped into Carlisle's prone body, tearing huge white chunks of flesh from his face, throat, shoulders and chest.

I screamed wordlessly, struggling against Nahuel's grip. I had to help Carlisle. Had to save him. But my imprint held fast, and I could feel his body still shaking behind me. Still laughing.

Wolf-Sam gnawed off Carlisle's right arm, and then, just before turning his attention to the doctor's left, speared me with his yellow glare.

"You'd understand if you had kids of your own," he rumbled in a sonorous, malevolent growl. "Then you'd understand."

"Quite right," Carlisle agreed, proper and placid as ever as his breath hissed and rattled through the ghastly, gaping wounds on his face and throat. "Quite right. You would understand if you were a parent."

"If you had kids," wolf-Sam repeated before dipping his head and ripping open Carlisle's stomach.

"Daddy! Daddy! Do something," I screamed at my father, who'd continued to blithely sip his tea throughout the horrific scene.

Dad finally looked at me and smiled brightly, raising his glass in salute. "Nothing is impossible, sweetheart. Remember that."

Nahuel's arms tightened around me, and his left hand dropped to press into my abdomen, driving my ass back against his erection. It was hard and hurtful … and cold. I screamed again, realizing now who—what—held me from behind.

"Nothin's impossible, sweetness," that silky whiskey voice whispered in my year. "Nothin' a'tall."

I snapped awake. Pain rippled along my jaw as I struggled to contain the shriek trapped behind my gritted teeth. My muscles contracted painfully with the effort to remain immobile so that I wouldn't wake Nahuel. My heart thundered so loudly in my ears that I could barely hear his low, even breathing over the rush of it.

By some miracle, he wasn't sleeping with an arm and leg draped over me, as he normally did. Quietly, I slipped out of bed and out the bedroom door. My stomach kindly waited until the door clicked shut softly behind me before attempting to launch itself out of my mouth.

I made it to the bathroom just in time to pay homage again to the porcelain god. The force of my heaves drove me to my knees, and I clutched the cold bowl as my stomach rejected what was left of the lovely pancake dinner Nahuel had made for me. When the last of my stomach contents was swirling away with the flush of water, I sagged onto my butt between the toilet and bath tub.

This was the most terrifying dream yet, but even so I couldn't believe it had actually made me vomit. I was mortified and disgusted with myself.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Just as I'd done with every one of those fucking, vivid dreams, I turned each hazily remembered fragment of this one over and over in my mind, trying to ferret out any meaning. As with every other dream, I was coming up blank on any possible meaning behind this one.

I slowly levered myself off the floor, and grabbed the vanity for support when a wave of dizziness swept through my head. I could actually feel it move from ear to ear behind my eyes before traveling down my throat to nudge provocatively at my stomach again. I breathed deeply, drawing air in through my noise and expelling it through my mouth in an effort to quell my queasiness.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Guess it's a good thing I agreed to let Carlisle have one more look at me tomorrow before we start out on the search.

It was time to 'fess up to what was going on with me, whatever the hell it was, and get some help. I mentally ticked off the symptoms I'd discuss with Carlisle tomorrow: Vivid dreams. Frequent dizziness and weakness. Barfing at random times of the day and night. Crying at the drop of a hat. Sudden, inexplicable exhaustion.

What is wrong with me? I wondered again, turning on the tap and letting the cool water run over my wrists. I picked up the glass tumbler we kept on the sink and filled it.

As I raised the glass to my lips, I suddenly heard my father's voice, as clearly as if he was standing in the tiny room beside me. His tone was full of humor and love … and just a hint of reproach.

Nothing is impossible, Leah. Nothing.

The glass slipped from my fingers and clattered into the sink. Water splashed on the front of my nightgown, but amazingly the glass didn't break. I stood there stunned, staring at my reflection in the mirror. My heart was racing and I couldn't get an even breath.

Before I could really think about what I was doing, I was on my hands and knees, tearing through the accumulation of stuff hidden away in the vanity cabinet beneath the sink. When I found what I was looking for – crammed in the back of the cabinet behind an old can of Seth's shaving cream and a ripped roll of toilet paper – I flopped on my ass on the floor and just stared at what I held.

Eight months ago—long before Charlie proposed or Nahuel arrived in Forks—my forty-six-year-old mother had the kind of scare that makes every woman an expert in prayer.

Too embarrassed to go to the drugstore herself, she'd slipped a twenty into my hand one morning, explained what she needed, and asked me to make the purchase. By the time I got back with the requested item discretely tucked into a plain white paper bag, she'd gotten her period and the scare was over.

We'd laughed about it and I'd even jokingly offered to show her how to roll a condom onto a banana. But I'd secretly felt jealous and humiliated and just plain hurt that my mother would be so insensitive to my feelings as to risk an unplanned pregnancy—and then ask me to buy the pregnancy test for her.

There was no way I was going back to the drugstore to ask for a refund, so I'd thrown the pregnancy test into the cabinet and quickly forgotten it was there.

Until now.

It's not possible. It's just not possible.

Is it?

I wasn't sure I could figure out how to use the damn thing. I vaguely remembered Rach complaining she couldn't read the first one she took when she and Paul got pregnant the first time.

Was the fucking thing even any good? Didn't these things have an expiration date or something? It'd been lying in a cabinet for more than half a year.

It's not possible. It's NOT.

If it was impossible, what was the sense of wasting a perfectly good test? If it wasn't possible, what was the harm in taking it?

It's not possible.

But what if it is?

My hands shook as I ripped open the box.

End Note: Just call me the queen of the cliffee and have yourselves a happy New Year!